Chapter 23

She missed him.

She missed him so bad that it hurt to breathe. Everyone in her family had soggy cheeks and red eyes. Her grandfather was a wreck and she could already hear people whispering about how they were pretty sure he was going to be next and soon. Her aunts and uncles and cousins had swarmed her when she arrived, asking her questions and dodging the fact that now she had no family left. Her father’s parents had died before she was born, so he said, and he was an only child, so he said. Her mom had had two older sisters. She was the only person in her family under the age of 27, besides Kylie and Kyle, the twins from her cousin Kaleb. She didn’t know what it was with Ks in her family but it was quite annoying.

She had no one. No family left. And the person that was closest to her and the person she wanted there more than anything was thousands of miles away on stage making thousands and thousands of 14 year old girls squeal.

She was shocked when he had taken her to the airport and right before she had gotten out of the car handed her a heavy brown envelope with something in it and told her not to open it yet. She had to open it before she got to security and what she had found was a cell phone, numbers already programmed and a letter from him. She didn’t know when he had found time to write it but figured it must have been while she packed and showered.

It wasn’t a long letter, maybe a half a page at most, but it melted her heart to see the words “I love you” in his handwriting. He didn’t say anything extraordinary, just told her to call him anytime and even though he might not always pick up with the show and everything, that he’d always call her back at soon as possible.

That night they had had the visitation and she had stood at the end of the line, numbly shaking the hands of people she had never met before in her life. She rode in the back of her Aunt Kathy’s car and stayed with her in their guest bedroom that night.

But she couldn’t sleep. It was weird sleeping alone and it was weird sleeping in a unusually fluffy bed. The room was covered with scary dolls her aunt collected and she swore they were staring at her ready to come alive like Chucky.

She needed him with her.

She reached over and flicked on the light, which caused her to squint her eyes to let them adjust for a second. She looked over the side of the bed to where her small duffel bag was placed and reached to drag it over toward the bed so she could get one of her games out.

She looked at the nightstand to see what time it was. As her brain registered the numbers 12:48 her eyes saw the small, plain black device sitting on the nightstand beside 4 cell phone batteries. He must not have had time to worry with a charger.

Without thought, she picked up the small phone and fiddled around with it until she pressed the one and send buttons. She had fumbled with how to use it when she had landed and finally, on the 30 minute drive home with her Aunt Karly, had figured out how to dial his number. He didn’t answer and it bummed her out but made her feel better a couple hours later, after the visitation, when she had a short but much needed voice mail from him. It was near 9 when she got home and knew he would be on stage at that time so she didn’t bother calling him.

But now, she needed him. And even if he didn’t answer, she needed to just call and talk, even if it was a voice mail.

It rang 5 times and his voice mail came on.

She sighed, “Hey it’s- fuck.”

She growled when the cell phone beeped and when she looked at her cell phone she realized her phone had shut off. She turned it back on.

As soon as she did her phone shrilled and vibrated. She made her dropped the phone the bed. She grabbed for it and pressed a button and shakily said, “Hello.”

“Hey baby. Did you just try callin’ me?”

She felt like skipping and dancing. Hearing his voice, hearing him actually respond to her and be there made everything crummy that she had had to experience that day float away. It made her see how much she truly did love him. “Yeah. Damn this thing comes alive when someone calls me. I thought my hand was going to get bitten off.”

She wanted to be swallowed in his deep gravely chuckle. “You’re silly. Just go under options and turn off the vibrator or change the rings. You can put “Gone” as your ring tone if you want.”

“Gay. No thanks.”

“Awwe come on now, girl.”

She sighed. It was silent for a second and then she began to whisper, “I miss-Fuckin’ shit!” Her phone beeped again and once again it was cut off.

She growled, and moved around in the room towards the window. The cell phone magically came back on somehow and she quickly called him back. “Problems?”

“What kinda piece of crap phone did you give me? Keeps turning the fuck off.”

He chuckled lightly again. She didn’t find it too funny. “Maybe you’re in a bad spot.”

“Apparently. Should I go outside or something?”

“That would be a good idea. That way you can hear me clearly and you don’t have to worry about waking anyone up with your phone sex noises.”

She could picturing him there laying in bed or laying on in his bunk, just in his boxers, one hand behind his head and the other with the phone pressed to his ear. She wished he was with her so she could curl up with him. “In your dreams. I’m gonna go try and find another place. I’ll call you back ok?”

He sounded like he was doing something. His breathing quickened and he let out a deep groan like he was stretching. “I’ll be waitin’.”

She smiled to herself having a perverted thought. “Ok, and Justin?”

“Yes baby,” he half sighed, half moaned.

“Get your hand off your cock.”

“What!” She had to pull the phone away from her ear at first because his shout echoed loudly.

“I know you’re over there thinking about me, but it’s rude. I want to talk to you seriously and you-”

He laughed annoyed. “Just go will you!”

“Fine.”

“And I do not have my hand on my cock.”

“Sure.” She cut the phone off and slipped on some socks and shoes. She had on pajama pants and one of his white t-shirts that she stole from him. She pulled a jacket over her arms and then quietly maneuvered around the house and out on the front porch.

She called him again and sat down on the wooden steps.

“Hey.”

She parroted, “Hey.”

For some reason those 5 minutes from the last time she had talked to him had calmed her down and made her quieter. Maybe it was the cool, late spring Michigan breeze, but chill bumps scattered on her arms and her eyes began to water.

“How’s my girl holdin’ up?”

“Ok. Visitation thing was bad.”

She heard him sigh over the phone. Not annoyed, not tired, just clearly sympathizing with her. “I’m so sorry Kristen.”

She sighed herself and rested her head in her hands, with her elbows on her knees. “I just, I didn’t know anyone, ya know? And every time someone said something to me it was how much they remembered my mom or my grandma or knew me when I was 2. All I wanted to do was stand up on a table and yell ‘I don’t give a damn! Now can we get this over with so I can go back to my boyfriend?’”

“Really?”

“I…” Her voice caught in her throat and a tear slipped from her eye. This time it wasn’t because of the cold air.

“Kristen…”

She couldn’t hold it back anymore and her tears fell freely. She hadn’t cried once since she had arrived in Michigan, and now it all just rolled out of her. “I miss you so much. I feel so alone out here. A-an-and what’s the worse is I have to stay out here and help my aunts move all this shit out of my grandparent’s place.”

“What about your grandpa?

“I- I think they’re gonna put him in a home.”

“Shit,” she heard him breath out.

“I know. But he’s so bad Justin. It’s like he’s not even there. And I don’t know. My aunts have all lives of their own and can’t really just drop everything to take care of him. I mean, fuck it Justin.! I heard them arguing over it in the kitchen last night when I got here and they basically just said they knew he was gonna die soon too. What next? Are you gonna break up-”

He cut her off and she sniffed. “I can’t see myself breaking up with you. Ever.”

She used her free hand to dry her cheeks and wipe at her eyes that were starting to ache. “Wh-what?”

“I just can’t see it happening. I look ahead and I do not see ANY reason to arise for me to loose you.”

“I just…”

“Shhh, I know love.”

She took a deep breath during the silence on the phone and closed her eyes. She prayed that some how he’d be there with her when she opened them; somehow he’d just appear beside her and hold her and kiss her and make everything better. But when she opened her eyes she was met with nothing but the dark small front yard and black asphalt of the street her aunt lived on. The moon made everything look dark navy. She heard bugs chirping in the bushes beside the steps and looked up at the clear sky.

She was alone.

“I need you so bad right now.”

It was quiet again and she heard him say in a small but honest voice, “Kristen, do you need me there?”

“Justin you cant-“

His voice raised a little and seemed even more determined. “Do you NEED me there?”

“I’m fine,” she lied.

“You don’t sound fine.”

She was trying to cover up how much she needed him. She couldn’t have him dropping everything and flying out to see her. It just wouldn’t work. He had too much responsibility and too many other important things to deal with than her being upset that her grandmother died. It happened everyday to lots of people. People died and there was nothing she could do about it except move on. She didn’t want to drag him down. “Just, I’ll call you tomorrow after the service, ok?”

“Baby, seriously? Are you ok?” His voice was worried. It was the last thing she wanted from him and she almost started to wonder if this was good for him. He didn’t need this right now. Tour life was already stressful enough on him and she knew, being in New York, the guys itinerary was 100 times busier than normal with all the press and media right next door. He didn’t need her in his life right now. She was just holding him back and she didn’t want to keep him from what he loved the most.

“Fine, just fine.”

His voice was angry over the phone, but she didn’t care as long as it got her off the phone with him and let him do his business and got her out of his way. “Fine.”

“I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Ok.”

“Night.” And then she hung up.

She walked upstairs after locking the front door, got in bed and closed her eyes. But she didn’t fall asleep.

She couldn’t get him off her mind. And she couldn’t help but wonder if he’d be better off without her.

What was she anyway? She wasn’t anything special. She wasn’t a singer and wasn’t famous and wasn’t gorgeous. She was a normal 20 year old with a bitchy attitude and a fucked up past. Who cared?

He did. And that hurt.

He could do so much better and she started to wonder what would be best for him.

She loved him, yes. She loved him more than she had loved anyone in her life. And because of that, she starting thinking that maybe, just maybe, she should get rid of him.

Or maybe, rid him of herself.

-----

The next night.

They had made it to the hotel about 2 hours before after a day full of interviews and press conferences. Most of the guys had either retreated to their rooms or gone out for the night. He was too anxious to sleep and too tired to go out. So he had booked the weight room and was in there bench pressing with Todd. Kristen had confused the hell out of him the night before, crying one minute and being weird and distant the next. He knew he hadn’t handled it well and should have been more considerate but when he tried to call back her phone wasn’t on. He had called and left messages on her phone 3 times that day and not once had she returned his calls.

He was very worried.

And having Trace run in, out of breath and swearing he just saw Britney in the lobby didn’t help.

And then having Trace leave him there, alone besides Todd, to go see if he could find her again, for reasons beyond him, didn’t help either.

After three more presses a familiar plain ring went off in the small bag he had brought down to the gym filled with bottled water, a hat, a towel and a minidisk player. He normally would have had the music up so loud to drown out his thoughts, but an hour of trying to get that to work didn’t help, so he had resorted to silence.

He slowly set up, trying not to pull or strain anything by moving too quickly and reached over to his bag. He pulled out the device and knew instantly he shouldn’t have put on an extra 10 pounds on the bar. His arms ached.

He sighed annoyed, knowing it was probably Melinda or someone wanting to go over press shit. But when he looked at the number he smiled slightly and felt a weight of worry lift from his shoulders. His arms didn’t hurt as bad anymore.

“Hey baby.”

“Hi.”

He leaned back against the bench again and rested. He was ready to call it a day and go upstairs, talk to her on the phone and chill. She had that way with him, she knew exactly how to relax him and all she had said was “hi.” “Did you get my calls?”

“Yup.” The p of her word popped loudly.

“How is everything?”

“Perfect.”

His eyebrows bunched together and didn’t like this short attitude she had going on. His anxiety started to creep back a little. “One word answers, my favorite,” he said sarcastically.

“Yup.”

He hoped she would just say she was busy doing something important. But she sounded pissed off and her words were extra clear. “Ok, spit it out.”

“You really want me to?”

“What’s going on Kristen?”

“I think we should break up.”

“Funny.” He rolled his eyes.

“Not really. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in the past few days. I think we were both lonely. I probably wont be coming back to the tour so just forget about me. You’ll probably never see me again anyway, so don’t worry.”

He rubbed his forehead, getting a very very very bad feeling about this conversation and where it was going. She seemed sure of herself, too sure of herself. “Kristen this isn’t a nice joke.”

She coughed a little and continued to speak extra clearly and a little slower than normal. “Well good, because I’m not joking. I think we’re better off without each other. I mean what the fuck do the two of us have in common ya know? What the fuck are the two of us doin’ together?”

“Bu- but I love you.” He said in half laugh and half shock.

“No you don’t. You can’t love me Justin. It’s impossible.”

“Baby, did something happen with your dad? I mean if you-“

She interrupted him and his stomach started to churn. He was confused and when he was confused his life sucked. He liked being in control and liked knowing what was going on. He was clueless and therefore he was nervous. “This has nothing to do with my fuckin’ Dad, Justin. I think me and you should break up. In fact, I don’t just think it. I’m breaking up with you. That’s final.”

He shot up on the bench and for a second thought he was gonna faint because he got very dizzy and lightheaded. “This is shit Kristen. You aren’t making any sense.”

“It was fun. Thanks. If you’re ever in Detroit, look me up if you have time- wait, don’t worry about it. Just don’t worry about me. See ya around.”

“Kristen what- what the FUCK!?”

She had hung up.

He stared at his phone, nostrils flaring, confused, angry and hurt more than he had been in a while. His jaw tightened and his eyes watered.

Not again.

“What happened?”

God, not again.

“She just broke up with me,” his voice was even but cold.

“You didn’t tell me you guys were-“

He shot up and got in Todd’s face. He needed to let his anger out somehow and Todd seemed to take it well sitting on one of the benches, a weight in one hand, staring up at his pop star friend. “WE WEREN’T! We were fuckin’ PERFECT! I was an ass the other night but then all this shit happened with her grandma and I thought we had just patched it up. She didn’t even give me a reason besides we aren’t good for each other.” He angrily tried to redial. “What the fuck? Her phone isn’t on! What type of- I’m calling Rick.”

He stormed off.

“Wait Justin you cant just leave. Hold on a second boy!”

His hand was poised like a police man stopping cars, ready to push the doors open, but something was holding him back and then he felt his shirt choking him. He stopped his forward motion, turned around and found Todd, holding on to the back of his cut off tee. He kept dialing Rick’s number on his cell and shoved the phone up to his ear, pouting.

“Rick. Yeah, what’s Kristen’s number in Michigan?”

He heard Rick yawn over the phone. “Hell, I don’t know.”

He snapped. “What the fuck man? You know you know!”

Rick’s voice got into a raspy, non-chalant, ‘told you so’ attitude. “You told me you were getting her a cell a little while back. So I threw them away. I didn’t think I’d need them anymore.”

“You’re so FUCKING irresponsible!” He yelled into the phone and then whipped around and slammed through the doors. His world was collapsing. He was red.

So yeah, he was acting like an alpha male, which typically he didn’t do. Normally when he was upset or mad it was more like a baby alpha monkey, with a few huffs and puffs, a lot of pouting and whining. This time, he was enraged.

“What happened? Are you ok? Is she ok?”

“Fuckin’ wonderful.” He flipped the cell closed in an angry manner and walked into the awaiting and empty elevator doors. He punched the top floor and watched Todd barrel into the door with their bags in his hands.

He breathed a second as the doors closed and then turned and kicked the inside of the elevator. “SHIT!

“Calm down, son!”

“I fuckin’-” His voice caught in his throat and he realized he was getting choked up. He sniffed and swallowed hard.

“What?”

He shook his head and sighed, his voice increasing in volume as he talked. “I love her Todd. What the hell was that? Like I totally just got SIDESWIPED here. WHAT the FUCK?!”

“I don’t know, man. Just calm down.”

The doors opened and he snatched his bag from his companion and left the elevator. “I’ll be in my room.”

Todd followed him a few feet and stopped, staring at him and making him annoyed as he dug for his keycard. “Hey, don’t do anything stupid. She’s probably just bumming over her grandma. Just cut her some slack.”

He fumbled with the card and finally after kicking and cursing and almost breaking off the handle, got the door open. “Cut her some slack? I’m sorry Todd but having your grandmother die isn’t a really legitimate reason to call your boyfriend up out of the fuckin blue and say, ‘oopps, sorry we made a mistake. See ya like, um, never!’ That’s just bullshit.”

“Just go in your room and sleep it off, ok?”

“Whatever.” He stomped into his room and threw his bag on the floor, not caring that it sounded like he broke his minidisk in the process. He heard the door slam behind him and stood there in the room alone with ragged breath and his hands on his hips, one hand filled his with phone.

He sighed and then quickly wiped at his eyes. He wouldn’t get upset this time.

And if she came back, he wouldn’t be drug around. He’d be strong this time.

-----

1.5 hours, 2.75 various mini bar liquor bottles, 4 beers and a half a bottle of coca-cola later

“Answer…” He slurred as he dialed her number.

All he got was the pre-recorded voice mail lady. “Stupid bitch.”

He threw the phone on the end of the bed and when he rolled and fell on the floor he didn’t care. He really needed to stop with the throwing cell phone fetish he had. It was his 2nd that year, and was already a little beat up from his temper tantrums.

He couldn’t believe that she had broken up with him. This was the second time for him in a period of three months. That had to be a record for a guy like him. He was supposed to be popular, hot, sexy, the most wanted man in the world. And he couldn’t even keep a stupid fuckin’ little 20 year old toy girl from Detroit.

He was the best thing she had ever experienced. She should be grateful. She should be down on her hands and knees right now worshipping him. He was Justin.

Bitch.

He was in shock. And for Justin, that was a weird feeling.

But the alcohol helped bunches and now he was just pissed. Pissed and tired.

He thought he heard a light tapping but figured it was probably just his brain. All he wanted to do was pass out now. He wanted to fall asleep. Then maybe when he woke up she would be with him and this would all have been a nightmare.

Or maybe he’d wake up and still be with Britney, or still be alone or something and his time with Kristen would have been a dream.

But 5 minutes later he thought he heard a female voice: a familiar female voice and another knock, this time louder.

He’s heart began to race.

He was nervous. What would happen if she was there on the other side, staring at him, wanting to “talk” about all this that had gone on? He wasn’t ready to see her, not after all that she had put him through. Maybe he was just hearing things. Maybe not.

He laid there on the bed, perfectly still, almost ready to hide. He wanted to cover up in the covers and go to sleep. He was tried of her. She had broken up with him. Fine. He was through.

She never wanted to see him again. He didn’t give a fuck.

But the knocking was causing a headache and before he knew it he was at the door, swinging it open and staring at the petite figure in front of him.

Her hair was a little wavier than normal. Her eyes were wide and her smile wasn’t that big. Her jeans were tighter than normal and her top was a normal Rainbow Bright baby tee. She had on those damn sandals she always wore that he didn’t think looked too flattering on her feet.

He sighed. What now? Was she gonna step on his heart and play football with it and then give it back to him?

No Thanks. Keep it.

She bit her lip and looked at the floor ashamed, like she knew she had done something wrong. Oh she knew she had done something wrong.

“What the hell do you want?”