Chapter 24

5 days later

Everything about her, hurt. Her head had a permanent migraine it seemed. Her legs ached from running through the airport like she did. Her stomach hurt from anxiety. And her eyes hurt from crying.

She had been drunk. And when she was drunk she did extremely stupid things: like kiss people and become overly flirty and accidentally fall down and break up with her boyfriend.

Oh, her ears hurt too, from being cussed out repeatedly on the phone by Rick. She had called him the night before and spilled everything. She had told him how in love she was with Justin, how she felt unworthy of him, and how she had had a few too many shots in her system.

She had been bumming all day and her 27 year old hippy cousin, Ted, finally one without a K, invited her over to his place to watch TV and drink, because according to him she looked like she could use a couple in her system. Well, a couple became a little more than a few and she ended up calling Justin and drunkenly breaking up with him with out much of a reason.

She woke up the next day with a headache and a terrible desire to call him, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She was too ashamed now. She knew he probably woke up to his senses and went out that very night and fucked some blonde twit.

He was free of her finally.

But then she talked to Rick.

He had yelled at her for being so childish and then softly told her about Justin. He told her how he wasn’t saying a word to anyone. He told her how Trace and him got in a huge argument the other night that half the arena could hear. Then she found out that fights between Trace and Justin, like the screaming match that took place, were something that rarely ever happened. He explained to her how quiet he had been and how one time he had thought he caught Justin crying.

That broke it for her.

And that broke her. She sobbed to Rick over the phone at that moment. She realized how much of a fool she had been and finally, she realized how much he really loved her.

So she left her family, most of who had already went their separate ways, booked a flight, and was now in a cab in New York, hoping to get back to hotel before the show was over and hoping that she had enough cash in her wallet to pay for her cab fare.

And she hoped when she got there and pulled out the key to Justin’s room she still had, that it would work, and that when he’d come back he’d be happy to see her and they’d cry and kiss and make up.

It was exactly 11:50 when the cab stopped. She said thanks and opened her door but then realized that this was not the hotel she had said. Of course a fight between her and the guy who barely spoke English ensued and finally after a battle of words, awkward silence, and slow traffic, they arrived in front of the hotel. She saw someone from their security standing out front and a couple girls and that made her feel better.

She smiled. And then that anxiety built up again.

She paid the cab and was sure he called her a bitch in whatever language he was native to. She grabbed her small bag and hoisted it over her shoulder. She walked through the doors, weaved her way through the lobby, seeing a couple people that looked familiar hanging out, and then straight to the elevators. She ignored all the glitz and glam; she had had enough of a culture shock when they had arrived here to begin with. She made it to the elevators and pressed the up button when she was stopped by one of the security guards from the hotel.

“Excuse me ma’am, do you have a key?”

She rolled her eyes and turned around on her heel. She gave the guy a bored look. He didn’t look much older than her. “Are you seriously gonna make me get it out?”

He nodded quickly. “Yes, security precaution.”

She waved her hand in the air and looked off to the side. This was the last thing she needed right now. She wanted to go up the damn elevator, to his room, and finally get rid of all those damn butterflies in her stomach. But no, her anxiety had to be prolonged. “Look, I’m with the tour. Believe me I’m not a teeny.”

“Key please, ma’am.”

She growled under her breath and let her bag fall off her shoulder and hit the ground with the thud. She mumbled curse words under her breath as she squatted down and unzipped her side pouch where she kept all her keys and important stuff. But as she flipped through she didn’t see anything. She started to panic a little. “Shit, I must have left it in his room. Dammit.”

“Ma’am if you are not checked in here you need to leave.” The guy’s voice got a little edgier and it made her want to scream. She could see herself now behind bars all over a stupid room key.

She thought about looking for her tour pass. Maybe if he saw that he’d cut her some slack. She kept frantically searching. “Shit, I bet my pass isn’t anywhere around either.”

“Ma’am will you please follow me.”

She looked up at him and then over his shoulder to see two larger men with hotel uniforms on, barreling their way. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

A few seconds later, hands were on her shoulders trying to lift her, but her hand caught something at the bottom of her bag. She pulled it out and pushed it into their faces, yelling. “LOOK! SEE! PASS THINGY! And look, ooo, a key to a room too. Get off me punks!” She pushed the younger guy off her and the two other security guards backed down and exited the scene.

The young guy bowed slightly and gave her a pitiful look. “I’m sorry ma’am. I’m just goin my job.”

She just rolled her eyes, zipped her bag back up and turned around. “Whatever.”

She got in the elevator and sighed. She rode up to the floor and when the doors opened a wave of nervousness came to her. She didn’t know what to expect and she was scared out of her mind.

She shot through the doors and made her way quickly to the left, towards his room. “Excuse- Kirsten! Hey there.”

She was startled for a moment, thinking she was going to get checked again, but it was only Todd. She sighed and smiled. “Hey Todd.”

He stopped about 5 feet in front of her and looked back at the elevators, double checking to make sure no one snuck by. “I didn’t think you were coming back.”

“Me either.”

Todd smiled secretively. “You come back to make up with the J man and stuff?”

She just shook her head and turned around, hoping he would take the hint that she really didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. “I’ll talk to ya later Todd.”

“Oh ok, I get it. Be nice to the boy.”

She looked over his shoulder and he was already back to his post. “I’ll try.”

She was at the door to his room when she realized the butterflies were still there. She looked down the hall at Todd and called out, “Hey wait.”

He leaned forward on his chair and turned to her. “What?”

“They back from the show yet?”

He nodded and then leaned back more comfortably. “Just got back.”

Forget the butterflies, these were bees. And if she wasn’t careful, she was going to get stung. And she was allergic to bees. Actually she wasn’t. She was just so terrified of them that she told everyone she was so they’d wouldn’t think she was a wuss when she ran away screaming. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want to barge in, but she didn’t want to knock. Finally she decided to do both. If she got stung, then she’d run away screaming. But she had to take the chance.

She stuck her key in the slot, cracked open the door and knocked. She heard the TV on pretty loud and then heard it go to mute and when she opened the door up a little further and stuck her head in she wasn’t prepared for what she saw.

It was just him and Trace. Trace was sitting in a chair in the corner looking up at her peculiarly, a beer can resting in his hand. Justin was standing up, eyes wide, looking a little afraid. He was in track pants and a wife beater.

She wondered what the hell she had been tripping on to make her want to break up with him because he looked damn good right then. Tired, but damn good. Silence was so thick in the room, but she had to speak. So she stepped in a little farther.

“Hey.”

He took a deep breath. He seemed slightly relieved, but also scared. “What are you doing here?”

She licked her lips, the anxiety at its max right then. She was ready to run away. She didn’t want to be rejected and she had a big feeling she was about to be. “I- I came back.”

He changed. Something in him changed. He wasn’t scared anymore. He seemed annoyed and frustrated and somewhere in her got pissed off. The old Kristen got pissed off and defensive. But the new one was still showing. Her eyes were watering. “I see that. But what are you doing here?”

His hands were on his hips and she mocked his position, but first letting her bag fall to the floor with a thud and then throwing her key down on it. “I came to apologize.”

He rolled his eyes at her and plopped down on the edge of the bed in front of the TV. “Apology accepted.”

She scoffed and looked over at Trace who was staring at her wide eyed. “I haven’t even said anything yet!”

She watched Justin as he groaned into his hands and then lay back on the bed. His hands fell to his sides and he looked up at the ceiling. “Kirsten, what the hell do you want from me?”

Now it was her turn to roll her eyes. She could smell fresh soap from her position right by the bathroom and feel the humidity coming from the steam. He had just taken a shower. She wanted to be against his body, smelling his clean skin and feeling the heat radiate off from him. But he was being distant, he was picking a fight intentionally, and he was getting under her skin. “Please don’t start this shit.”

“I don’t wanna be messed with.” His head lifted from the bed for a moment to look at her, and then went back down against the floral pattern. “Truthfully what do you want? You wanna drag me around? You wanna do what every other girl I’ve dated has done?”

It was like he was a Sioux or something and she was a doe. She could feel the arrow going straight into her stomach. “Jus-“

Trace caught her attention. His eyes were wide and he looked more uncomfortable than the fat kid in gym class. “Uh, you guys want me-“

But he was interrupted and she was startled. Justin rolled his body forward off the bed and stalked over towards her. It was the closest they had been in about 5 days. He took a deep breath, looked at the ceiling and let it out. His blue eyes smacked into hers and she was forced to stare at him and listen. “I love you. I told you over and over. I tried showing you. And maybe I’ve fucked up a few times on the way but despite what people might tell you, I’m not perfect. God, I don’t understand it why everyone thinks this. I’m human, don’t you GET that? But since I’m who I am every tiny STUPID NORMAL mistake that I make that tons of guys make every day, since I’m who I am, it gets blown out of proportion. I thought you understood this. I thought maybe you’d cut me some slack. You treated me normal and then you brought out this you don’t deserve me shit. YES I do Kristen. I deserve someone that keeps me grounded. I deserve someone that cuts my ego down. I deserve someone that treats me normal. You did that, but now it’s changed. So what do you want Kirsten? Do you want me to be your boyfriend? OR do you want that guy on the stage? The guy I am when I’m working. Who do you want Kirsten? Ya know sometimes I just wish that I-“

“I want you Justin!” She had had enough. She was breathing like she had just finished the Boston marathon. Her emotions were about to spill over. Her eyes were glassy with tears and her body felt like it was shaking.

He stared at her and she was about to walk away from him. She knew he was going to reject her. His face was emotionless and if she looked harder she knew she would find that her little outburst just made him enraged. He hated her now.

But then the corner of the left side of his mouth was pulled tighter. His left cheek got a little fuller, and soon she saw the white of his teeth shine through. He was smiling at her. It was a small smile, a half smile. But it was a smile and a genuine one at that.

She started smiling herself and then felt her cheeks get hot. She didn’t know why she was blushing but she was. He stepped forward and it was silent but she saw his mouth, saw the movement and her heart heard him when he barely whispered, “Baby…”

She jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder and looked to her side to see Trace smiling between Justin and her, with his hand on each of their shoulders. “Ok, normally I would make a really lame excuse like I had to go make a call or something but, I can tell you two want to rip each others clothes off so I’m just gonna go. Kristen, good to see you sweetie. Justin, always remember, no glove no love.”

She felt a kiss on her cheek and seconds later heard the door shut and then click when the lock latched.

Justin’s eyes moved from behind her, to her face. He chuckled, “What an ass-“

She wasn’t in the mood for laughter. “I love you.”

“Baby…” His arm opened to her and she stepped into his body and wrapped herself around him. She clutched his shirt in her hands and pushed her face into his chest.

The fabric made her voice muffled. “I’m so sorry. I- I was drunk and I wasn’t thinking.”

She felt his arm around her and his hand running over her head. It made her feel safe. It made her feel good. It made her feel home. “Shhh…It’s..it’s ok.”

She held him tight and started to feel the heat from his body warm her up. She took a deep breath and took all of him in. He was hers and she wasn’t going to make that mistake again and let him free. She needed him and so what if she held him back? It was time for her to be selfish and that meant keeping him at all costs. “So, y- you want me back.”

He smiled down at her and she wanted to take a picture so it’d last forever. “You know I do.”

“You forgive me?”

His smile was playful and that was a good thing. “Maybe…”

But this was off. Something was weird. He forgave her way too fast. She pulled away and looked at him very critically. He seemed different and she couldn’t put her finger on it but he seemed that way. She shook her head. “Whoa, wow.”

He asked, following her to where she had plopped down on the bed. “What?”

“I thought I was gonna have to beg or something. This is a lot easier.”

He lay down on the bed and pulled her up beside him. He situated her into his body and held her tightly, very tightly. Any tighter and she’d suffocate. “I’m an easy goin’ kinda guy. So you want me? Regular Justin?”

She wiggled a little, trying to get out of his gasp and more comfortable. “Yes, Justin. I want you, just you.”

“Yes…” His voice was quiet, like he had won a personal victory.

She looked him again in the face. It was still there. Her eyebrows merged and she stared hard. “Something’s up.”

“What do you mean?” His voice was too casual.

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re being a little weird.”

“I am?”

“Clingy.”

He tensed but when he took a deep breath and let it out the tension seemed to leave him and she felt better about the situation. “Well I thought I had lost my girlfriend and then she comes back and tells me she’s sorry and she loves me. So I’m clingy and happy.”

“Yeah, but still...”

He took his hand and placed it on her cheek. She noticed it was cold and clammy, unlike normal. His big dark eyes looked lost and worried and she felt bad and wanted to keep him from whatever it was that was causing him to be that way. “I-I just don’t wanna lose you.”

She placed her hand on his cheek and found his face unusually hot. She watched his eyes close as his forehead hit hers and she whispered, “You won’t, you won’t.”

----

He was nervous.

He was going to loose her. He felt it. But she couldn’t know.

He loved her. He loved her desperately. And it scared him that he had such strong feelings, and that they had come that fast and that they were for someone who was so different than him. When he was with Britney he thought he was with the person he was going to spend the rest of his life with. With the girlfriends before that, he was just too immature to know any better. He didn’t know if he could see himself being with Kirsten for forever. He couldn’t see her having children, and whenever he thought of that he was reminded of what she had told him about her past.

She was close. She was very close to being a mother at one point, but he couldn’t even imagine it. She was hard and she had had a tough past that had probably forced her to grow up a lot faster than most kids. So had he.

But there was a big difference between the two of them. He had been forced to grow up and forced to become very mature. He had the mind of a 35 year old.

She was still very very much 20 years old. She was naïve. She was immature. And it reminded him of the little visitor he had had a couple days before.

Being like that with her felt good. It felt good having her lips travel down him. But his mind was elsewhere and he hoped she didn’t sense it or maybe he did hope so. He didn’t know how it had gotten out of hand, but they got naked really quickly and started doing things. Her body affected him like nothing else. He had forgotten how beautiful her body was. How her skin seemed to radiate when the lights were off, no matter if it was day or night.

And when she started to get to that area, that area that was starting to push out the distant thoughts in his brain, he knew he was going to have to stop it before he did something he’d regret and something he’d have to pay for.

He wondered if she was doing this to make up for what she had done to him. He wouldn’t let her.

He looked down and was startled when he met her eyes. They were grayish blue, not brown. Her hair was light brown and pulled back in a straight ponytail, not dyed blonde and wavy. Her hands on his waist were small, the nails bitten off and free of nail polish except for a few left over specks of black, not French manicured, with long nails.

He was losing it.

“What is it?”

She stopped from where she was pulling him out of his boxers. Somehow laying there with her, having her comfort him and love him had turned into kissing. Kissing evolved into her being naked and him being in his boxers with her hand sneaking in the small slit over his crotch. “Don’t.”

“You don’t want me to?” Her eyes were big, wide, innocent, dammit, sexy.

“You’re doing it as a sorry. I don’t want that.”

“But-“

He rolled away from her and pulled his legs over the side of the bed. He sighed and stared at his feet. “I need to talk to you.”

“Oh god.”

He looked at her and she looked terrified. She curled into herself, covering her body. He had scared her and that’s not what he meant to do. “Its…lay with me.”

He pulled back the covers and watched her scurry under them. He got in after her and felt her body press into his. He looked over and she was inches from him, staring, trying to figure him out.

He was in trouble.

“You look scared.”

He was. He was terrified. He couldn’t tell her. But he had to. She’d find out someway somehow. That’s how it always happened.

But she was so beautiful staring at him. She loved him and he loved her. And he wanted to show her, with every part of him. He wanted to purify himself, get rid of all the negative and start over.

And he wanted her with him. He couldn’t explain it. It made no sense. But he couldn’t be with out her.

“I-“

“What?”

“I want to make love to you.” It came out of his mouth before he could seriously think about it. And by the look on her face he just knew was one of rejection. He shouldn’t have said it.

He couldn’t let her know.

“O- ok.”

He looked at her strangely, half not believe that all she had to say was “ok” and the other half of him convincing him that he didn’t hear her. “What?”

She stared at his chest for a moment and then lifted her eyes to his. She looked innocent and she looked scared but she seemed damn sure of herself. “I want to, too.”

“You do?”

She rolled her eyes and pushed him a little, a smile breaking through her lips. “No, I just said that because I’m a really good cock tease.”

But he wasn’t in the mood to joke around. This was serious. If he was ready and she was ready, then oh shit. This was it. They were going to do it. It seemed weird that it was such a big deal to him, to them, to their relationship. But sex was a big thing. He didn’t ever see it as just sex, just getting off, but it was more. For him it was really connecting with someone. He believed whoever you had sex with would always stay with you no matter where you went, and even though he knew the media liked to play him as the ladies man, he wasn’t.

Sex was special and even though he knew most guys would laugh their asses off at him, he’d deny it if he didn’t feel right about it. “Seriously Kristen.”

“I love you.”

He sighed. She was now trying to convince him that she was serious and he knew she was. It was going to happen. He was going to make love to her.

There was nothing to stop him now. “I know, you’ve told me.”

She curled up to him and began to softly kiss his chest. It felt good and that part below his belly started to stir. “What do you want me to say? I want to feel your body against mine.”

He met her eyes and smiled. “That’s a start.”

“I wanna feel that big dick in my pussy. Oh yeah, slap my ass.”

He shook his head. Only her. Her face tried to be serious but soon he felt her nose and her smile pressed into his skin over his heart and felt her body shake a little with giggles. “Why must you do that?”

“Cause you like it.”

His arms wrapped around her and rolled over, pushing his body weight into her grinding his hips a little. “You know it.”

“Oww.” He pulled away, realizing he was smushing her a little and finally situated himself over her, most of his weight on his forearms. He hovered over her with him in-between her legs, resting against her and the bed. They had lay like this before, him pressing into her with no barriers or anything, but now, knowing they were going to make love, it felt different. His sensations were heightened.

But he wasn’t ready to get that serious yet. He needed to be playful first. He had learned that with her. Too much seriousness scared her, and he didn’t want to scare her. If they were going to do this he wanted it to be perfect. He just wished he had had time to plan it out. “Ya know you should break up with me more often if the make up part means we’re naked in bed together.”

“Pig.” She pushed at his shoulder.

“Oh my god, Jessie!”

“Jessie?”

He smiled at her confused features saying, “Ya know Saved By the Bell. Jessie always called Slater a pig.”

“No, you’re definitely not Slater.”

“I know, I’m Zach all the way.”

“No,” she smirked at him, “Screech.”

He sighed and laid his head down on her chest, hearing the soft thump of her heart. “Dude, Screech is the shit.”

“You would think so.”

“I bet you thought screech was hot. I bet you wanted to do him.”

“No. I want to have sex with you.”

He rolled his eyes at her, continuing their playful conversation. “Duh. Who doesn’t?”

“No Justin.” But then the playfulness ended. He realized she was pretty damn ready for him. Her eyes were sure and she didn’t look scared at all anymore. Her hands were on his shoulders and he could feel her body all against his, warm and wet and waiting for him. He didn’t have to persuade her, he didn’t have to comfort her or give a speech to her about how they could stop whenever. She wanted him now. “I want to have sex with you.”

And it shocked the hell out of him. “Holy Shit.”

Her eyes broke contact with his. “Please.”

“I- Damn.”

“I- I…” Oh no, he saw her eyes start to water. This wasn’t good. His mind couldn’t take much more. He didn’t know whether to be upset or happy or scared or concerned. She was so damn sure of her self and so mature and that was so out of ordinary for her.

“What?”

“I wanna feel you.”

He felt her hand on him. Felt her stroke him and then felt her lips travel up to his neck and start to torture him. He wasn’t sure. He was scared. He wasn’t ready. “D- don’t do this to me.”

“Please…”

But he was a man, and he had a penis and in that moment it took over him and he wanted to do nothing more than feel her around him and be inside of her. “O- ok…”

And so he kissed her. He kissed her hard and could feel how much she wanted him and was enjoying this. He started to loose his breath, started to get dizzy, but kept kissing her and touching her breast as she touched him. His mind was on one thing, her, fucking her. He couldn’t stop himself, he was a machine.

Her felt her tiny hands pull him closer. Felt them place him where he was supposed to go. All he had to do now was push. He wasn’t even thinking safety. He didn’t even have condoms on him. He looked down at her. She looked beautiful and he wanted her badly. And he was going to have her.

“I love you.”

But she loved him.

He caught his breath finally and the world stopped spinning. Everything became perfectly clear. It was clear she wanted him. It was clear they were about to have sex. It was clear he was not thinking clearly. And it was perfectly clear that he couldn’t do this.

Not after what had happened.

He was reminded of what he had done, or what SHE had done a few days before. He was royally fucked up. He saw she was getting worried. Could feel it the way her hands were gripping his arms tighter, hear it in her breath as it sped up, see it in her eyes as they got bigger and he eyebrows furrowed.

“I…” He rolled off and her stared at the ceiling. “I can’t.”

“Wh-what?”

He looked over at her and couldn’t stand the sight of her. He couldn’t look at her after what he had done.

He ran to the bathroom and shut the door. Cold water splashed against his face and made his skin prickle and sting. He looked up at himself in the mirror. His eyes look drawn in and lifeless.

“Justin, let me in. What’s wrong?” She banged on the door but he had locked it. He looked at himself again. He couldn’t believe he tried to forget her, forget it all, forget what they had done. Kristen was right. He wasn’t over her. He wanted to hurt himself.

He physically wanted to beat himself up. He didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve her to love him that much. He didn’t deserve to make love to her. He felt like a bastard, an asshole, he felt like a bad person.

No, he couldn’t make love to her. And he was ashamed to think that he could. He actually thought he could, even though he had just been with his ex girlfriend two nights before.