Chapter 25

It took all of her strength not to leave.

Her chest started to tighten and she knew tears were going to come falling down if she let them. It had only been a few seconds, maybe a minute, since he had stormed out of bed; but she felt like he had been in there for hours. She pressed her forehead on the mantling beside the door and tried again to turn the doorknob. If she had been in her right mind she would have poked fun at him for doing such a girly thing. He had run away from sex and locked himself in the bathroom. But something was wrong. She could tell it when he was looking down at her. He looked scared and that was a look she hadn’t seen much on him until that day. She didn’t really like that look on him.

“Justin, please…”

She sighed and waited. Finally, he said in a quiet voice, “Hold on while I pee.”

“O- Oh k…” She was startled, hoping she hadn’t just made a big fuss when all he had to do was use the bathroom. It was a little weird listening to him pee, but he had a habit of not closing the door when he did that and she was in the room, so she didn’t think much of it. She heard the whooshing of the toilet flush and a few moments later the door unlocked.

She was quite reserved about making the move to go in there. Ok, she was terrified. She didn’t know what had caused this. It was very sudden. She knew it wasn’t because he wasn’t attracted to her. She knew he was. She had felt him and had been with him before in a way that she knew he wanted this. But he hadn’t been there mentally all night, he hadn’t been there since she had got back and she had a weird feeling that he wasn’t being totally honest with her. Something else had happened while they were broke up, or either he was still getting over the weird little spell she had.

But then she heard it. She had never heard a guy cry before and hearing the throat-choking sob that came from him and the sniffs from inside the bathroom- she couldn’t hold herself back anymore. She turned the knob to the door and pushed it opened.

He was leaning over the sink, his forehead against his folded arms that were resting on the counter. If she wasn’t so worried she would have cracked up. He was naked and his position was less than flattering.

“Justin what the hell is going on?”

He lifted his head and looked at her through the mirror. He heaved a few times with quiet sobs and asked, still looking at her, “Why are you with me?”

She groaned aloud and covered her face with her hands, rubbing them over her skin and massaging it. She could not believe this. Him, of all people, saying THAT. That was something someone insecure like she would say, not him. She knew he wasn’t perfect mentally. She believed no one was. But he knew how to hold his own and try and stay stable in his unstable life. “Please do not tell me this is all about some low esteem issue.”

He scoffed and let his arms dangle by his side, his shoulders slumped over. “Seriously, why are you with me Kristen? Why are we together? You are RIGHT! We are nothing alike. I’m… You deserve better.”

He was actually pouting and sniffing and if she couldn’t see him right now from the neck down and see his manly body, she would have thought he was 5 years old. His finger ran underneath his nose and then he rubbed under his eyes. “Ok, this is like déjà vu. Except now you’re the one with too many tequila shots and your grandma just died. Justin I love you, you know that. And you love me. It shouldn’t matter if we are twins or not. I want you. And I think you want me.”

He sighed and looked up to the ceiling and then made a step forward like he was going to reach out to her. But he stopped after one step. “God yes, but...I just. Kristen, I’m- I’m not as perfect as you think.”

She rolled her eyes and muffled a frustrated groan. He was annoying the hell out of her and pulling her heart at the same time. She knew he needed her right now but she couldn’t help but give him tough love. She couldn’t just pet him and coo in his ear about how perfect he was. She’d be lying to him and her character.

So she took charge. She stepped forward, grabbed his cheeks in her hands and widened her eyes to lock on to his. “I know that Justin. I know. That’s one thing that attracts me to you. Everyone else sees you that way but I get to see all the shit you do. I know that you drool and snore. I know that you cut yourself shaving more than not. I know that you get constipated before big shows”

His eyes widened and he pulled away breathing out, “oh my god.” He looked at her and she was smiling at his red stained cheeks, “You did not just say that.”

“See…” She paused and smiled. “I know you, the real you. I know you hate oranges but will eat all my orange skittles and you steal my Sunkist whenever you think I’m not watching. I...I know sucking on your bottom lip can get you harder faster than anything else. And I know you think you’re ass is ugly and I know you hate wearing shorts because you think your legs are weird. I know I feel a little embarrassed standing here naked in front of you and you standing there naked in front of me while we talk about this. So can we either put on clothes and talk some more or either get back in bed?”

He smiled at her and she reached out for his hand and he grabbed it. She felt better even though it was such a simple connection. He followed her as she pulled him into the bedroom and didn’t even drop his hand as she got in the bed. She pulled him down with her and he situated himself beside her. She watched him closely as he fidgeted, trying to get the pillow to elevate and support his head and neck correctly. Finally, after he was still for a moment he sighed. “I’m sorry Kirsten I just…”

“What happened?”

“What do you mean?”

She rolled her eyes. He was playing stupid and it was annoying. It wasn’t like him to be this down on himself and she was going to talk before she let him seduce her or they went to sleep. Resolving whatever it was that was going on was a priority for her. “Something must have happened. Why were you bein’ so down on yourself?”

“I…”

She knew something must have happened in the few days she was gone. She had noticed it from the moment she had walked in. Ok, maybe not the moment she had walked in, but soon after. He had taken her back too acceptingly, had been too clingy with her that day, and hadn’t been the normal Justin she was use to. “What happened while I was gone, Justin?”

He breathed it out his answer and with the deep inhale that occurred afterwards, it sounded like he had just come up after spending 3 minutes underwater. “Britney.”

She knew.

Somewhere down in her she had suspected this. She had had a nightmare while she was in Michigan that Justin and Britney had met back up and had sex and when she came back he ignored her and was with little miss perfect again. She didn’t think he’d sleep with her, but still, she figured his ex must have fucked with his mind.

But she couldn’t let him know that she knew. “What?”

“She came over the night you called and said we were through.”

“Oh.” Her heart was beating fast, so fast she could hear it in her ears. She got the instinct feeling that Britney and him didn’t sit around and watch Sesame Street together.

“I was really drunk.”

He sounded like he was making excuses and trying to defend himself. She didn’t like that at all. That meant he felt guilty. Things were starting to click and come into place like a puzzle. She hated puzzles.

Kristen tried to keep her temper from flaring up. If it had been 3 months ago she would have already slammed a couple doors, slapped him and cussed him to Bosnia and back. But she was different now. She took deep breaths and tried to steady her heart beat. She couldn’t guarantee she wouldn’t blow up, but she was going to try her damndest to get all the facts first. “Did you call her up?”

“No, she just showed up. I don’t know how, or why or anything.”

“What happened?”

“We talked. Drank.” He was avoiding the obvious and she couldn’t take it anymore. She already had the sheet ringing in her hands. He was looking off to the side, away from her. Without seeing his face it just made her more nervous.

“Did you have sex with her?” She didn’t mean for it to come out, but it was already out there now and she was scared by the silence that followed.

“S- Shit Kristen.” He glanced at her for a moment and ran his hands over his face, pulling up on the skin of his forehead and then over his head, looking like he was in pain.

She was terrified. She didn’t know what that meant. Yes? No? She sat up and looked down at him, her eyes boring into his and her stuttering unlike normal. “D-Did- Did you have sex with her?”

“No.” He said in a voice that sounded like he couldn’t believe she asked him.

Her lungs finally filled with air fully and she eased back down on the mattress. “Whew…scared me for a minute.”

“Can we just go to sleep, please?” He rolled over and pinned her underneath him. She still wanted him. His eyes were incredibly blue that night and his body was hot and hard against hers. She knew they probably wouldn’t make love that night, not after everything, but still, to have him against her and maybe to make out with him a little bit would still be enough.

But that could come later. She wasn’t finished with him. “No, you need to tell me why you’re so down on yourself.”

“I felt bad that Britney came over when you were gone.” He pouted and rolled so he was lying on his side, beside her.

“Why? She’s your ex-girlfriend, so what? Nothing happened.” His eyes darted away to the mattress and he drummed his fingers against it.

Oh, that made her feel confident. “Or did something happen?”

He was silent. “Justin…”

He licked his lips and she knew what had happened. She stared at him. “You guys kissed, didn’t you?”

“Yeah…” His voice was quiet and that was all he said. She couldn’t take that. He wasn’t given her any information and when he did it was because she was prying. It was annoying the hell out of her. Maybe she was just mad that she had found out that he had kissed his ex girlfriend less than a couple days ago.

“Ok, you’re gonna have to say more than that. I feel like I’m pulling your fuckin’ teeth out. Just tell me what the fuck happened. You’re making this more painful for me AND you!”

Justin rolled back on his back and let out a deep breath, pursing his lips as he went. He reached for her hand but she jerked it away. She wouldn’t let him do anything to her yet. “She came over. We talked about nonsense shit. We drank a little, I was already pretty plastered and then she started getting all ‘I miss you’ and shit. I mean I thought I had lost you and I don’t know. I mean I’m over Britney, that night told me that I was. But I just, I was so drunk and I wasn’t thinking…”

“And you kissed her.” She finished for him.

He stared at the ceiling at he talked but she stared at him. He was nervous and she could tell by the way his hands were shaking against where they were lying on his chest. “Yeah, I did. And I’m sorry I, I wouldn’t have if I wasn’t drunk. I just…”

“Then what?”

“What do you mean?”

Playing stupid was really getting on her last nerve. “After you kissed her Justin. THEN what?”

“Oh um, she left.”

It sounded like a lie. “You don’t sound sure.”

“Its kinda hazy but she left.”

She mumbled a “whatever” and rolled over then mumbled a “goodnight.” She was tired of this shit. If he wanted to lie to her and make their night hell, THEIR night, the night they were supposed to be together, then fine. He could fuck it to pieces; she’d just go to sleep and then leave in the morning and be a bitch to him forever.

But then he pulled her shoulder so she was on her back and leaned over her. “Look at me.”

She narrowed her eyes at him in a challenge. But he met it and looked directly at her. “I swear she left Kristen.”

They’re eyes stayed connected for a while and finally she broke their gaze and licked her lips. She was happy but she wasn’t going to just jump up and kiss him. Even though she really wanted to. “You know I would never hurt you intentionally. And I would never do anything like that if I was in control, but I wasn’t.”

She smiled and linked her hands behind his neck. He rolled over a little more and settled himself in-between her bent legs. She felt lighter. She knew how he felt. When she broke up with him she hadn’t been in control. “I know. Hell, I broke up with you when I was drunk!”

“So you aren’t mad?”

She looked at him hard. She didn’t like thinking he had kissed Britney, but he was drunk and it was kind of her fault he was in that state to begin with. He looked scared, still and it made her uneasy. She wrote it off as him just getting over all his emotions that had surfaced. “No more than you are at me.”

“Ok, good.” He smiled then, and all the freight in his face washed away as he leaned down and kissed her thoroughly. It felt good, more than good. His lips were soft against hers and his tongue, smooth. His body was hard against hers and she wanted more.

But she couldn’t let herself indulge yet. Her body was screaming for her to take him and hold him and do everything to and with him, but her mind was elsewhere. She was being pretty damn mature and was proud of herself in that fact, so she wasn’t going to fuck everything up now by letting her desires take over.

“I do think that before we do anything we need to talk some more.”

He sighed and gave her a bored look. “We’ve talked all night.” She wanted to be pissed off at the comment but didn’t want to make the night more tainted than it already was, so she let that slide, blaming the male part of him.

“I know, but Justin, me and you need to communicate with each other more.”

He laughed and it caused a grin to appear on her face. He was gorgeous when he laughed and dammit, he was laughing. She had to stop looking at him or she wasn’t going to get anything accomplished. Ten minutes ago she was giggling quietly to the awkward sight of him naked and upset in the bathroom and now she wanted to throw him on his back and ride him until she made him fall asleep with exhaustion. “Don’t laugh, I’m being serious. I know I have a problem with just pushing people out of my life when I’m afraid I’ll get hurt, but I know now I don’t have to worry about that with you. So I’m gonna try not to be so pushy. But you gotta open up to me, too. You can’t just run off to the bathroom or pretend that everything is peachy when its not. Ok?”

“Ok.” He was kissing her neck and she wondered for a moment if he had listened to anything she had said.

“Cause I-I want us to last.”

His lips stopped against her neck and she wondered what he was doing, if anything. She laid there staring at the ceiling and starting to get an anxious feeling for a good 30 seconds.

And then she felt his lips against her ear, whispering, “I love you Kristen. I really do.”

That made her smile.

And when she turned her head to look at him, she couldn’t hold back. And she didn’t.

All she did was whisper two words: “Kiss me.”

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The Next Morning

He had lied to her.

Well, it wasn’t a direct lie, but he hadn’t really told her the whole truth. Yes, he and Britney had kissed. No, she had not stayed the night and No, they didn’t have sex, per say. But, had he cheated on her?

He would say no. He had been drunk and didn’t know what he was doing and wasn’t in control, even though he could sort of remember it. But what would she think?

He couldn’t let her know.

Fuck.

He breathed in.

I should have told her. Asshole, you could have last night.

He breathed out.

And he couldn’t believe he let himself do what he did to her the night before. He hadn’t been honest with her and yet they still fooled around. Everything was just snowballing. He was burring himself into a deeper hole and making himself worse and worse of a person.

And yet when he closed his eyes he couldn’t help but smile.

He could feel her soft small breasts in his hands and the taste of her skin on his tongue. He could hear her sighing out “more” and felt her body push into his as she arched up at the small movement of his fingers. He could feel her lips against his neck and her tiny hand moving over his hard-on. Pulling up and pushing down. He groaned and rolled over, pushing his hips into the mattress.

The bed was empty except for him and some crumpled sheets.

He freaked out for a moment and then remembered that she went to go get them breakfast since he wanted to sleep some more and she was awake and didn’t want to wait on room service. He pushed his hips harder and smiled to himself, keeping his tired eyes closed.

There was a knock on the door and he figured that she must have left her key. He didn’t want to roll out of bed but he had to. He pulled his boxers over his hips and shuffled to the door, yawning and rubbing his eyes in the process.

But as soon as the door was unlocked it was pushed open by the person on the other side and he stumbled back. “So did you hit it?”

His best friend was dressed for the day, had a bright smile on his face and no concept of courtesy, apparently. “Trace what the fuck?”

“Did you?”

He was already sitting down on the bed, remote in hand. Justin strolled over and hit his best friend’s hand, sending the remote flying. “First of all, no. Second of all, you’re a dumbass! She could be in the bathroom for all you know or in bed and you just bust up in here.”

“Oh shit, is she?” Trace looked around nervously.

“No, she went to get breakfast.”

“So, did you tell her?”

Justin crossed his arms over his chest and stared down at his best friend; a little pissed he barged in like that. “What?”

“Did you TELL her?”

He shrugged and went over to the table in the corner and plopped down in a chair after he turned it around. “I told her Britney came over.”

“But you didn’t tell her what Britney did to you?”

“She didn’t ask.”

He didn’t have to look at his friend to know that his eyes had widened and his mouth had dropped. “Shit man, did you tell her anything?”

“That we kissed and she didn’t stay the night and that we didn’t have sex.”

“You are an asshole.”

He looked up and Trace’s eyes were staring at him hard. He was tired of that. Kristen stared him to death the night before and now his best friend was doing the same thing. “I’m just, shit man! I don’t want to fuck this up.”

“Too late now.” Trace half laughed.

“What do you mean?”

“Women always find out man. And each day that goes by adds on about 100 pounds of pain. And that much more surety that you wont be able to get forgiveness.”

Justin felt his stomach knot. He thought he might throw up. His mouth went dry and he had a bad feeling. Trace might not have had a relationship as long as Justin had, but he had dated a lot of girls and had had his share of drama. “B- but that’s the thing man. She…If I had told her two seconds after it happened- Kristen…she’s not the type of girl that’d take me back.”

“Well, you fucked up. It’s not her fault, ya know? You have to deal with the consequences of your actions. If you’re lucky she’ll forgive you. And maybe, just maybe, by a miracle she’ll take you back. But don’t go in this expecting it.”

“That’s why I’m not telling her!”

“Shit man!”

They were yelling at each other, or at him, or something. He didn’t know, but it was causing him to have a headache. He had woken up ok, a little nervous, but after thinking about the night before and their little rendezvous he felt better. Now he felt like he was going to die. For he second he almost wished he had.

He thought about what it’d be like if she wasn’t with him anymore. What if she broke up with him but he still had to see her everyday for the rest of the 15 days of tour? Or what if she left and vanished and he never heard from her again? He could see her doing that. It’d be exactly like her to just say, ‘fine, I’m done’ and leave him and just say ‘fuck it’ to the world. But he had gotten her this far. He had pulled her out of her shell; made her likeable and confident in herself. She had grown up a little. And he couldn’t stand it if she was taken from him. “I…I can’t be without her.”

“Can you not be without her, or without women?”

“I can’t be without HER, man. She’s…She’s everything.” He looked down at the floor and rested his head in his hands, which were being supported by his elbows on his knees.

“How do you know?”

His voice was quiet and it seemed to dawn on him in that moment everything that had happened the past few days. Everything with her grandma, them breaking up and getting back together, everything with Britney. He realized how deeper, or different, his love was for Kristen. With Britney he had known her for forever. He knew everything; there was no mystery to her. With Kristen, there was. She was moody and temperamental and edgy but she was mysterious. And he found hat undeniably sexy. He couldn’t get enough. She had put a spell on him and he couldn’t break free. When they were together no one else existed and nothing bad could happen and if it did he knew they’d’ make it right. “I just know. I knew the other morning when I woke up and I was so fuckin’ upset because I had prayed before I went to sleep that I wouldn’t wake up. Cause then I wouldn’t have to tell her what had happened.”

“Well you still haven’t done that.”

Justin half laughed at the thought as he relaxed back a little, getting more confident with the situation in the fact that he loved Kristen that much. Maybe telling her wouldn’t be that bad. He had to eventually and sooner would be better. He had tried time and time and time again of ways to gently tell Kristen the truth. Everyway sucked. “How the hell do I tell someone something like that? Especially someone I love. Someone like her.”

“Well…” Trace cleared his throat. “You sit her down and say, ‘Kristen, Britney gave me head’.”

Justin’s eyes popped open and he leaned forward in his chair. “Shit man…Don’t- God that sounds bad.”

Trace shrugged, “It’s the truth.”

But then he heard it. It wasn’t that loud but it rang in his ears. The door clicked.

When he looked up she was standing there. He couldn’t tell if she was upset, sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, confused or a mixture of it all. But she didn’t look happy.

She had heard.

“Yeah, sounds pretty fuckin’ bad.”

“Kristen-”

She knew.

“Don’t.” She closed her eyes and put a hand up.

He couldn’t control himself and he had shot up and walked over to her. The McDonald’s fast food in her arms smelled strong and made him feel nauseous. “But-“

She jerked away from his touch. “But you weren’t man enough to tell me yourself? You were so fucking scared that you’d loose me? You had THAT little faith in me, in our relationship that you did this to begin with and then you were terrified to tell me? Thanks Justin. Thanks.”

“But Kris-”

“Save it.” She threw the bag of food and two drinks onto the bed, letting the contents spill and stain the wrinkly white sheets. She turned around and he didn’t have the strength to follow her. He knew it was happening.

She opened the door and looked back. He saw tears building up in her eyes.

He heard her take a deep breath. “Just- whatever…”

And that was it.

She left.

He couldn’t think. He saw things and heard things and all the other things that deal with his senses, but he didn’t feel anything.