Epilogue

4 months later

All it took was one phone call. His thought process was broken and he didn’t realize until he was sitting there, staring at the familiar scene, having that process come back into play and doubts fill his mind and nerves flood his stomach. He couldn’t even bring his hand up to turn the engine off of the car. It had been 4 months and he was probably going to see her.

But he wasn’t there to see her.

Rick had called him up the day before, told him they had rolled into town on a date and asked him to come out to Ozzfest to hang out and catch up. He had taken a deep breath and asked, “Is she there?”

Rick had coughed and lowered his voice a little. He seemed sympathetic. “Yeah, man. She’s here.”

No one knew what had happened between them. She had stayed on tour for the last 2 weeks but never talked to him and when he entered the room she vanished. Everyone knew they had broken up. Everyone had asked, but he wasn’t about to tell them it was because he was a pathetic boy who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. And he was astonished that she didn’t broadcast it on national television. He was terrified that she was going to tell everyone and make him pay. He wouldn’t have blamed her. He probably would have done it if he were her to make sure everyone knew he was scum.

After the last show they had a big blow out party and she wasn’t there. He had wanted to talk to her and see if he could at least apologize, but Rick had told him she had got on a plane that afternoon back to Michigan to get some of her belongings for her grandparents house, since it was up for sale.

It had been 4 months since he had seen her. After she found out, she had gone back to wearing her normal low, huge jeans, a black tank top and hair long, straight and covering most of her face. No longer was her hair pulled back in a ponytail. And the shirts that she stole from him and wore all the time mysteriously ended up in his hotel room, piled on his bed one night.

She hated him and had every right to.

Yet he still loved her more than anything.

He tried dating around that summer. He tried putting all his focus on the solo album he was working on. But nothing would work. He’d lay in bed for hours thinking about her, thinking about how stupid he was, how good life was with her, how much he cared for her, how soft her skin was, how beautiful her eyes were, how she had made him see more of himself than he had seen before. And then he’d fall asleep in tears thinking about his one stupid mistake.

Why’d he have to get drunk? Why’d she just HAVE to been in town that week? Why’d she have to show up? Why couldn’t he say no?

He would have given his soul if he could go back in time but he couldn’t and now he was there, sitting in his big SUV, towering over people moving boxes, holding the pass the man at the gate had given him in his hand, and feeling so low and small. The building was familiar. He had played there before. The crew and people hanging around looked a little grungier and scarier than the ones on his tour but he figured that was just because he knew his crew better.

He didn’t know what he was more nervous about, seeing her, or not seeing her at all. Or there was always seeing her and having her kill him.

He couldn’t deal with this.

He couldn’t risk it. His heart had already been broken by her and stolen and he didn’t know if he could handle her handing it back to him.

-----

She was fucking pissed as hell. She couldn’t see straight she was so pissed off. She couldn’t even remember a time when she had been more pissed off than right there in that moment. The band absolutely sucked and that wasn’t even the bad part about them. They were whiney college guys who thought, hey will make a semi-punk band and scream about how hard life is and how we want to kill ourselves, when actually they only screamed at HER because she couldn’t find the box with their play station games in them. Bastards. And the only reason they were on tour was because the lead singer guy was particularly good looking and charming with the ladies and they had a video on TRL and now here they are, on Ozzfest and definitely on her last nerve.

Sometimes she really wondered why she took this job with Rick. The people were kind of nice and the crew was a lot like the one from the Nsync tour, but the bands were a lot more, well, more. It was definitely more her type of music but not her type of lifestyle.

Shit, she didn’t like it when this happened. When she started comparing her life now to the life she had before. It made her think of him. Rick never said anything about him to her and for that she was thankful. But she had broken down to him about 3 times since then about it. And as much as she hated to admit it, she wasn’t over it or him, and she wasn’t going to be for a while.

He had hurt her more than well, almost more than her dad. She didn’t comprehend it all. He had tried to tell her what had happened but she didn’t want to hear it. She couldn’t trust him, she couldn’t believe what he said, and she had to wonder if the whole time they were together if it was just her wild imagination making up everything that she had felt for him. If people thought she was a hard ass bitch before they hadn’t seen her lately. She was cold and borderline plain right down mean.

She had wanted to call him, wanted to crawl back to him, wanted to let him crawl back to her, but something in her was too afraid. She couldn’t handle being hurt like that again. She understood he was drunk, but how drunk? And she understood he thought they were through, but he should have known her better.

Every time she thought about it the more and more it made her ache and made her realize that maybe, just maybe she should have listened to what he had to say.

Or maybe she should just forget about him all together. It wasn’t like she was ever going to see him again anyway.

It wasn’t like he really wanted to see her. He had proven that by not trying to get in contact with her once the tour was over. On tour he tried hard at first to talk to her, after a while he given up and she thought once it was over he’d try calling or something but he never did.

He must have forgotten about her pretty easily.

“K?”

When she heard her nickname, she looked up from where she was digging through the pile of boxes, trying desperately to find the lost games. She looked up to see one of the crew poking their head through the doorway of the small room she was in. “What?” She turned back to her task.

“Rick’s looking for you.”

“Tell him I’m here.”

“Ok. You’ll never guess who’s with him.”

“Who?”

“Well, lets just say I would have never thought I’d see him here.” She had kept her head down until now and when she looked up the dude was gone. She didn’t know what was going on but she had an anxious feeling boiling up in the pit of her stomach. She had a chill come over her and tried to stay focus on finding the play station games. She did that for another couple of minutes until she heard a knock and looked over her should from where she had bent over. “Hey, what’s up Rick?”

“Nice view.”

“Snip, snip Rick,” she said, making her common reference about cutting things…off.

“Yeah yeah, I brought you something.” She looked up and watched him reach from in the hallway and pull a figure into the room.

Her heart stopped. Her eyes blinked and she couldn’t think anything but one thing….

It was him.

He was clad in jeans and a button down trendy flannel shirt with what looked like a backstage pass strap hanging out of his front pocket. His hair had grown out a little and he looked really… really… really good.

Her ears started to ring and she felt like she had a fever. Her mouth got dry and she couldn’t help but stare into his dark blue eyes. It had been so long, so very damn long. She didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to act. She wanted to go over there and punch him over and over again and scream and yell, but at the same time she wanted to cry and run to him and have him hold her and tell her they’d be ok-

-that she’d be ok.

“Talk to you later.”

The door shut and she had to get out. This was dangerous. She ran to the door and he was in the way. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to look at him anymore and said softly, “Move.”

He whispered, “Please.”

His voice was soft and deep and beautiful and she wanted to wrap herself in it. When she looked up at him she saw his soul looking back at her. He was pleading with her, begging her, ready to gravel at her feet. He seemed sad and lonely and she knew right then that no matter what happened in the next few minutes, no matter what had happened in the past year, he was forgiven.

And she was still very much in love.

“I just want to talk.”

They sat in silence for a while. Her looking at him, re-memorizing ever feature, trying to understand the dark part under his eyes, the chap on his lips, the hairs sticking out under the rim of his hat: He had grown it out. He had been worrying on his bottom lip. He hadn’t been sleeping. He looked at the floor, or his hands, watching them move against each other.

She watched his hands too, wishing she could feel them on her and then scolding herself for wishing such things.

“I-“

He stopped, took a very deep breath and sat back against the small couch in the room. She was on the opposite end from him, as far away as possible but too close, way too close.

“I know you said you don’t want to hear it, but I think you need to know what happened, Kristen. What really happened. I’m not here to beg you back ‘cause I know you don’t want me. I just, I want, I’m going to tell you what happened. Everything.”

She tried to think up some way to tell him she didn’t care, to tell him he was out of her life for good, to tell him to go to hell. But she wanted to know, and she felt like she needed to know as well. So she just swallowed and looked straight ahead of her, not daring to look at him anymore, too afraid to look at him. “Ok.”

He started out slow but the more he talked the more his words caught up to him. He stuttered a lot, which was a nervous trait of his. “When you called that day I- I lost it. I didn’t understand, I didn’t realize until that moment what my life meant without you. It scared me. It crashed down on me and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t call you back, I couldn’t reach you and I just started thinking the worse. I- And the funny thing is, I look back on it and I knew you so well, ya know? I knew you, I knew how you got. If only I hadn’t been so blinded I would have seen that you were just frightened and scared. But for some reason I just got upset and angry and hurt. I thought- I just, believe it or not I have very big fear that the person I love will stop loving me. I’ve given my every-fucking thing into everything I do and that includes my relationships. And I’ve had it all just taken for granted before and I was terrified that you were going to do the same. With…with her I didn’t, I didn’t see it at all Kristen.”

She looked over to him and his fingers were pinching the bridge of his nose and his eyes were squeezed tight. He was choking up and she had an urge to reach out to him, but she couldn’t. “I was ready to marry her and she tells me she needs some time apart because it hurt too much being with me. So, so when you said those things I just, I lost all train of-“

She interrupted him because she couldn’t take it anymore. She felt horrible, she felt like it was all of her stupid fault. If only she hadn’t gotten drunk and called him that night this would have never of happened. But no, she had to break up with him, he had to get sad and then do things with his ex. It all led back to her. “I’m sorry.”

Their eyes locked and he looked at her very seriously. His eyes tore hers apart it seemed and hers automatically started to water. She didn’t know if it was just because what he was saying or the fact that she could smell his cologne and hadn’t smelled it in so long, hadn’t smelled him in so long. He almost seemed mad at her for apologizing. “Don’t you dare apologize. This isn’t your fault Kristen. You did nothing wrong. Ok, so you got drunk and started feeling bad and called and made a mistake. We all do that. But I handled it horribly. I’m not trying to make you sympathize with me or feel sorry for me. I just want you to know how I thought about all this, what was going on in my head. I got drunk. I went to my room, paced the floor, tried calling you, and nothing worked, so I just started drinking and drinking and drinking and sometime in the middle of it the door knocks and I go to it and she’s there. And I just, I thought I had lost you. I didn’t want her to come in at first. But she forced her way in. She sat on my bed for about 30 minutes letting me yell at her and blame her for everything. I told her all about you and how much I was in love with you.”

With a turn of her head away from him and a quick wipe under her left eye she kept him from seeing the tear that had escaped. She hated that he had this much effect on her. Her mind was at war with itself. She kept thinking about what he had done to her and how it was an inexcusable act. She shouldn’t be listening to him, shouldn’t have even let him in the room, at least without a couple of bruises. But something in her kept her there, silently listening, growing use to his voice again and his presence and then realizing she never got unused to it, but had craved it during their months apart. “I…and I started drinking some more and she just sat there and didn’t do anything or say anything and finally I got so frustrated I just fell to my bed and cried. It was so hazy and blurry and I am not sure how it happened but the next thing I know she’s rolling me over and kissing me and dammit I kissed her back. I don’t know why. I guess it was just familiarity or loneliness or something but it happened. And I wish I could take it back. And it gets really foggy, I’m not going to lie. I don’t really know what happens next but do know at some point I’m- I’m –“

He trailed off and wasn’t looking at her but he had already told her a lot and she wasn’t about to let him chicken out and not tell her the whole thing. “Tell me.”

He covered his mouth and turned to look at her. She took in a deep breath seeing tears in his eyes. This was pathetic. They should have both been over this. It was nothing. He was a bastard and got drunk and cheated and that was that. They were through. There was nothing else to it.

But there was so much more to it.

He sniffed and wiped his face. “I’m laying there and she’s...ya know…and I’m crying. I’m getting a fucking blow job and I’m crying.” He laughs bitterly, almost embarrassed by the situation. “I don’t even know if I was hard. And I know that’s a weird thing to say but it’s true. All I could think about was you. I didn’t want to look at her but when I did I hated myself. And when her eyes met mine and they weren’t yours I pushed her off me and asked her to leave.”

She didn’t know why it mattered but for some reason it really did. It seemed to not make it as bad if he didn’t get pleasure from it. In fact, it made her feel better and she couldn’t help to let it brighten her spirits a little. She felt weird that it did, though. “You didn’t get off?”

“No. I don’t even think I felt anything. I was so numb to everything. I think I remember her putting her shirt on because it was off and then, then she left. And I laid there for what seemed like hours praying to God that he’d do something to make it all go away. I’ve never felt more low in my entire life. And finally when I passed out I just, Kristen I really didn’t want to wake up the next morning.” He reached over and grabbed her hand and she jerked it a little but not away. He squeezed it and held her gaze.

She couldn’t help but revel in the feel of his hands, warm, soft and big against her small, cold ones. “And then- god then…after telling Trace and having him be there for me and talk me through, you…you little…this little beautiful thing walks through my door and I have to try not to just crumble at your feet. I was terrified Kristen. I was totally, completely terrified when you came back. I could deal with not having anyone as long as I didn’t hurt you. But I couldn’t deal with hurting you. And now…now I’ve hurt you and I’m alone. I guess it’s what I deserve.”

She looked at him and found herself panting and sob after sob bubbling up, ready to come out. “I –“

And then it came. A tear fell and then another and soon she was sobbing and Justin was scooting closer to her, still holding her hand tightly. “What?”

“I hate it. I absolutely HATE it!” She yelled during her loud crying.

He backed away some. “Wh-what?”

“I hate it.” And she didn’t hold back. She let herself do what she had been dying to do since so long ago. She reached out and wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face into his shoulder.

She felt him sigh underneath her and when he wrapped his arms around her as well she felt like everything that had been wrong with her life suddenly came into place. “What do you hate?”

She turned her head to the side and whispered into his skin on his neck. “Loving you so much.”

He made a sound that sounded like the wind was knocked out of him. “Y- you still love me?”

She pulled up and looked him in the eyes. She was close enough to him to kiss him and she wanted to, but she wasn’t going to let her self fall that hard. She wasn’t that pathetic. “You think I could stop?”

He smiled through glassy eyes. “Well, honestly, yeah. After what I did.”

“You’re- You ever think that maybe I was just as terrified as you, if not more so? Justin I don’t have anyone to fall back on. You, you we’re…you weren’t just my boyfriend. You were my best friend. You were my family for 4 months. Every day, those last 2 weeks of the tour, I woke up in the middle of the night, went to your door and sat outside of it for at least 10 minutes. I prayed each time, and I am NOT a religious person, I prayed each night that you would open the door because in those 10 minutes I was so vulnerable I would have ran to you and taken you back before I could blink. My heart was telling me to forgive you but I just, I haven’t been in a relationship before. Ya know? I mean you see people on TV and the first time they catch their man with another girl that’s it, over with, done. But hell, it is NOT that simple. And people say that being drunk isn’t an excuse but I mean, I caused you to get plastered and how many times have I done something stupid when I was wasted. I mean you barely remember it.”

His eyes narrowed and he looked at her hard. “Why do you believe me?”

“Because I know you.” She cracked a smile and pulled away at little, keeping her hands on his shoulders. “Plus, you’re Justin fucking Timberlake remember? If you were lying you wouldn’t be here. You’d be with a young little blonde.”

“Red head, I’ve had a thing for red heads lately.” He winked at her.

“Kristen, found them?” With their hands still on each other, they both shot their heads to the door to see a guy in his early 20s with tattoos and piercing and gelled hair looking at them with wide eyes through the door.

“Leave.” Kristen growled.

“But-”

Before he had a chance to speak Justin barked out at him. “Leave!”

She started giggling, “Oh, I can not wait to tell everyone that that dude just ran away from a boy band member.”

They laughed but it died down soon. After a few minutes of staring at each other and then awkwardly looking elsewhere she sighed tiredly, like she had just doing exercise and for some reason she felt that way, all her emotions had just drained from her. “Justin…”

“Yeah?”

“I forgive you.”

He gasped. “Wh- what?”

She turned her eyes to his and gave him a hard look. She might have missed him and might have given in more than her head wanted her to, but she wasn’t stupid and she wasn’t going to set herself up to have her heart trampled on again. And she wasn’t about to lie to him. “But… but…I don’t trust you. Not…not yet.”

“I understand.” He nodded furiously.

“Do you…would you like my new number?” She felt shy asking and he seemed shy receiving. It was amazing to her how different they were now, scarred but not bleeding anymore, wiser and scared, but trying desperately to keep the little bit of innocence their relationship once had.

“I’d...I’d love it.”

“Can we…” She rolled her eyes in a typical Kristen movement and pulled fully away from him so she could talk with her hands. “Fuck it...let’s start over.”

“What a cliché thing to say.” His voice had mischief and she cut her eyes to him sharply, giving him her signature Kristen “fuck off” look.

“Do not make me change my mind.”

He laughed, “Do you want me to introduce myself?”

She slapped him against his shoulder and he mocked pain. “No dip shit. I just, friends?”

“And then talking?” Damn that pure, happy Timberlake smile.

“Well maybe if you’ll lucky we’ll skip right to the going out part.” She teased.

“Score. Sex.”

“Justin I’m not making any promises.” She cut off the playfulness because she didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. In no way was she trying to lead him on or think that they’d go back to the way they were. She missed him, yes, and she was still in love with him, but she was no where near ready to be his girlfriend. He had to win her trust back first.

“I don’t want you to. I’ve gotten a hell of a lot more out of this visit than I had planned and a shit load more than I deserve.”

She pointed at him. “And if you try to slip me the tongue within the next 4 weeks you’re dick will become approximately 4 inches shorter than its current status.”

He was smiling again. “Man, I’ve missed that. So who’s the band you’re looking out for, toy girl?”

“Eh, some little punks. 5 of ‘em, think they’re the shit. Especially the lead singer dude. He thinks he’s some sort of ladies man. I hate to let him know this but well, he’s rather gay. And kind of dorky, but in a bad way. Reminds me of someone? Hmm…”

The loud Justin laugh echoed in the room and it made her eyes shine with tears again, but different kind. “Lance, definitely Lance.”

“But alas, Lance wasn’t the lead singer now was he Justin?”

He wrapped his left around her neck and hooked her into him, squeezing her tightly and annoying the hell out of her in the process. “It’s good to have you back.”

She stood up and straightened her clothes out, needing to move around a little before she spazzed out at the fact that she was rather calm, they were going to be friends again, and that he, HE was back in her life. “I’m not back. And if you tell any one, even Rick, that me and you are, well, speaking again- I’ll kill you.”

“Ok.”

She flipped her hair over her shoulder and rolled her eyes. “I have to keep some sort of bad ass reputation.”

“You have my word. This…” He stood up and motioned in between them. “It’s just between the two of us.” He stuck his hand out for her to shake and she eyed it carefully as to pick on him before sliding hers against his and shaking it twice.

She smiled at him and he at her and she knew, they’d be ok.

Somewhere down the line, whether as friends, lovers, or whatever else, they’d be ok.