Alice was all too happy to be greeted by the smell of pancakes as she exited the shower. She wrapped herself up warmly in her robe and took her breakfast tray out onto her porch to enjoy the view as she ate. A smile crossed her face as she thought back again on the morning. She couldn’t remember the last time a guy made her feel…normal, as if she was just like any other woman around. So many people spent their lives wanting to stand out but all Alice ever wanted was to fit in.

A gentle strumming filled Alice’s ears as she sipped her tea. She tensed, immediately remembering how JC had said he hadn’t been inspired in a while. She felt like she was eavesdropping on JC’s creative process yet he was outside where anyone walking by could have observed him. Alice stayed still, watching the privacy wall between them intently.

Don’t size me up

Just say my name

I wanna hear it fall down your chin

Dribble like…

He worked over this bit for some time, adjusting the tempo, playing with different words to finish his lyrics. Alice quietly listened as JC tried to find something he was satisfied with. His voice was soft, tentative…different from the confident belt she’s grown accustomed to hearing from him. She didn’t know if it was because he wasn’t sure of the song, his singing or just being courteous of his neighbors but Alice made sure to pay attention to every note he uttered as she didn’t know the next time she’d ever hear him sing again.

A knock on Alice’s door drew her attention away. She opened it to find Michael on the other side. “Morning Alice. Heard it was a rough one today,” he smiled at her as she moved to let him enter.

“Do you all talk about us on your breaks or something?” Alice asked with a laugh as she shut the door.

“Oh hell yeah,” Michael confirmed. “There’s no TVs around this place…gotta find entertainment somewhere.” Michael proceeded to get the massage table set up as Alice cleaned up her dishes. “I’m ready when you are,” Michael informed her after a couple moments as a warm crisp spearmint scent began to fill the air.

Alice suddenly realized that she was very naked under her robe. She ran to the dresser to grab clothes and quickly disappeared into the bathroom to change. Sports bra and underwear on, Alice reached for the pair of shorts and paused. She turned and looked in the mirror, assessing the situation.

She pinched the bit of belly fat she had. Not a gut but still soft and fleshy, stretch marks that had barely faded since they were formed over a decade ago. Alice adjusted her breasts in her bra. They weren’t big, a solid C, but far from perky anymore. She turned to the side and gingerly ran her fingertips down the nearly eight inch scar on her left hip. Had JC grabbed her there when he lifted her up? She couldn’t remember. It hadn’t hurt but that could have been purely due to the adrenaline.

Alice breathed as she left the shorts on the edge of the sink and pulled her robe back on. She’d be under a sheet, she reminded herself, but still knew Michael would be able to see more of her than nearly any man ever had. Michael was professional though, she reasoned, so if she couldn’t start letting her guard down in front of him, she’d never be able to if she met someone she wanted to be naked in front of. 

A quick flash of JC’s gaze as they sat under the rope climb entered her mind and she forced herself to push it away. She gave Michael an uneasy smile before he held up the sheet and turned his head as always to let Alice climb in. Alice disrobed and did her best to relax. As soon as Michael’s hands touched her, however, she felt her concerns soon melt away.

JC put his guitar away as his own masseuse soon visited him. He lay naked face down on the table as the young lady worked over his upper arms with extra care given their recent work out. He kept thinking about his song in his head, about Alice, about how sore and old he was. His own advice to Alice was coming back to haunt him. He was healthy, just not as fit as before. He’d found a nice balance in his thirties between the two and wondered if he could get that back.

He thought back to the better version of himself he’d envisioned the day before. It was pretty good for forty five, he reasoned, but not great for a pop star. He remembered talking to Justin a few months prior about how much harder he had to work now to stay in shape to tour and keep up with two kids. JC didn’t envy him but missed when the two of them would lift weights together, smiling at how young and vain they had been to see who could get the biggest biceps.

His body felt like one big ache from the past few days but he was learning to not hate it. Again, his thoughts traveled back to Alice and her own admissions about her body. It was clear she struggled before she met Donny but he certainly made matters a whole lot worse. Could she lose some weight? Sure but so could he. It wasn’t going to change the beautifully fragile but resilient soul she was. He wished she could see that and began to wonder if hearing it from him might just be the way to get it through to her.

The duo met back up after their respective therapy sessions for lunch. “How you feeling?” Alice asked as JC sat next to her, seafood salad appetizers quickly appearing in front of them. 

“Mentally or physically?” he questioned.

“Both,” she smiled before taking a bite.

“I kind of just want to sleep but my mind is racing with like a thousand different intersecting thoughts,” JC told her.

“Welcome to my world,” she chuckled.

JC wanted to continue their conversation about how Alice viewed her body to hopefully get a better sense of how he was feeling in his own skin but had no clue how to broach the topic. “What’s your afternoon look like?” he asked instead.

“I was supposed to do a cycling class but my therapist suggested I switch to boxing.”

“Boxing? Really?” JC couldn’t hide his surprise.

“Yeah, apparently she thought today would be a good day to work out some of my, uh, pent up feelings on a punching bag.”

“Why today?”

“I don’t really know. I’m feeling…well, I guess I’m feeling just lots of feelings today. Some happy, some sad, some angry. I didn’t think that course would mentally mess with me as much as it did.”

“Same, actually. I’ve been thinking a lot about it all morning. I, um, I don’t really know how to say what I want to you about it,” JC stammered.

“Shit,” Alice dropped her fork and turned to face him. “You got hurt, didn’t you? I told you you shouldn’t have…”

“No, Alice, I’m not hurt, I swear,” he reassured her. She stopped and looked at him confused. “Damn, now I really don’t know how to say it.”

“Just say it, it’s ok,” Alice told him, concern in her voice.

JC swallowed and tried to remember the things his therapist had pointed out to him just twenty minutes prior. “I lied to you, Alice. When you asked about how I’m kind to myself; I’m not. Not at all. I beat myself up a lot mentally and it’s…it’s been getting harder and harder not to as the years drag on.”

“I get it,” Alice said softly, giving his hand a squeeze.

“I don’t…I didn’t like hearing the way you talk about yourself, back at the rope climb. Getting to know you just these past few days, I do get where some of it comes from but I wish you could just see all the amazing parts of you. And I know, “ JC held up his hand as he saw Alice start to open her mouth, “that’s pretty hypocritical coming from me but I don’t think I would have seen it that way before I met you. You somehow make me think a lot about the things I’ve been purposely ignoring for a while now.”

Alice blinked at JC, now unable to speak. She didn’t understand how she was helping him at all. She could barely help herself. He was talented and famous, richer than she’d ever know and could have any woman of his choosing. She was just…her. She wasn’t influential or inspiring. Nothing he was saying made sense in her mind.

“Uh, well, good,” she finally got out. “I mean, that’s the point, right. Come here, work your shit out. Guess there was a method to their madness of pairing us together,” she turned back to her food.

JC watched her for a moment, noticing her body hunching over her plate more prominently than before. It reminded him of their hike the prior morning, the uninhibited moment of tenderness they shared before Alice backed away. He was noticing a pattern of her retreating into herself when things got serious with them and didn’t really know how to take it.

Some late comers joined their table so JC unfortunately left the conversation stand where it was. Alice slowly grew more talkative as the meal continued, interacting with other guests and sharing stories of their experiences thus far. JC knew the tactic well; engaging in the easy topics masked the turmoil going on underneath. 

As lunch came to an end and everyone started to head out to their afternoon activities, JC grabbed Alice’s hand to keep her just a moment. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said dismissively.

“No you aren’t,” JC countered. “I’m not sure what I said that…”

“It’s fine, you’re fine,” Alice swallowed, not wanting to get defensive. “I just…it’s hard to hear nice things about myself because I just don’t believe them. I feel like I’m getting lied to.”

“We have the same problem,” JC finally admitted. “I don’t take compliments well anymore, or rather just brush it off as lip service. We…we gotta figure out a way to…”

“You don’t know. You don’t know, JC,” Alice felt the tears coming.

“What don’t I know, Alice?” JC looked her in the eyes.

Alice shook her head, dropping her eyes from his gaze. She needed to come clean but she just couldn’t do it. “Not now,” she whispered.

JC pulled her into a tight hug. “It’s ok, Honey. Whenever you’re ready.” He held her there a moment, waiting for her breathing to settle. “Come on, you need to get to class,” he told her, giving the top of her head a kiss before releasing her.

“I’m sorry, I’m just…” Alice tried.

“Hey, it’s ok. Go to class, we’ll catch up later,” he tried to reassure her. JC watched as Alice quickly exited and sighed. He knew there was stuff she was holding back but she’d hinted enough, he had an overall idea what she had been through. The story couldn’t get any worse, right?

Alice hit the weighted bag hard and reset herself, this time punching with the other hand. She found it ironic she was now learning how to throw one safely as she alternatively kicked the side of the bag as well. She purposely waited in between moves, knowing if she went too fast, if she took out her emotions fully on the inanimate swinging bag, she’d likely completely break down.

What the hell was JC getting at? She didn’t like being that vulnerable in front of anyone. So many people back home had no clue about the real story with Donny until he died. Until it was in the paper, on the local news. All the secrets suddenly poured out of the closet she’d worked so hard to keep shut. Even in death, Donny continued to torment her.

This retreat, however, had her hitting her tipping point much faster than normal. Part of it was just all the work being done, mental and physical, but she had to admit it mostly had to do with getting so close to JC. Maybe it would be easier if it was someone else, she wouldn’t care about their opinion of her. She couldn’t bare to have JC hate her yet she desperately wanted to let him in. She wanted to confess everything to him, hear him say that she’d done the right thing, be held tightly in his arms, kissed and caressed and…

Alice punched the bag with renewed force. That was the problem, Alice had to admit. The real JC, compassion wise, was too close to how she imagined him. Giving in meant giving into the fantasy they could be together and she knew that would never ever happen. She didn’t want to get hurt again, especially by him. She knew it wasn’t his fault, he had a lovely girlfriend, a whole other life back home. Yet she still selfishly craved it and she knew if she kept thinking that way, she’d ruin it all. Best to keep the focus on being friends.

JC kept kneading the clay in his hands, trying to take his mind off of Alice and onto the sculpture he was supposed to be making. He wanted to be creative and not just make a bowl or something easy but nothing was sparking his brain except Alice. That talk…that look on her face, looking at him for guidance, for help. It lingered still in his memory. He felt like he let her down, his fans down, his band mates, his parents, his girlfriend…the list seemed endless.

He went back to his advice to Alice that she needed to be kinder to herself. He believed that yet somehow didn’t think the same applied to him. He breathed through his frustration, it growing as he knew getting mad at himself that he couldn’t be nicer internally was counterproductive.

“Ok, grace,” JC thought to himself as he stared at the clay. “I need some grace. What’s graceful?” He tossed the ball of clay from one hand to another. Swans were graceful. Doves maybe? JC smiled as he settled on an image. A horse. Running free, mane blowing in the wind…yeah, he could do that.

For once, however, JC’s ambition exceeded his talent as he stared at his bit of molded clay. The body was way too round, the legs too short and the neck too fat. The tail kept falling off and the face…JC curled his lip in disgust at whatever he had done to this poor creature.

“That’s cute,” the cheery blonde next to him commented with her southern drawl. “What is it?”

“A mistake,” JC grimaced as he inspected it once more. “I was trying to make a horse and I made…this.”

“No, I like it.  Very Lindberg inspired,” she told him as she took a closer look. “You have a good eye for art.”

JC shrugged and looked over at the bowl the woman had created. “Yours looks…sturdy.”

The woman gave a high pitched laugh. “Oh I gave up years ago trying to actually make something at one of these types of “expression your feelings through art” shindigs. Now I just show up hoping one day to get the full Patrick Swayze experience, if you know what I’m saying,” she winked and eyed JC up and down.

“Oh, well, good luck with that,” JC tried to smile politely as he could feel his cheeks growing red.

“Hey wait, I know you,” the woman looked at him closer. JC gulped and braced himself. “You’re Alice’s partner, uh, something with letters…AJ, right?”

“JC, but close enough,” JC smiled as he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Millie,” she extended her hand, introducing herself. “You two have gotten cozy pretty quick.”

“Alice is a great lady,” JC simply confirmed as he shook her hand.

“She’s sweet. Just needs more confidence and a good dicking,” Millie stated.

If JC had been drinking, he would have done a spit take. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Don’t worry, I’m not implying you. She said you have a girlfriend and she isn’t your type,” Millie mused then raised her eyebrow. “Unless she is.”

“I like Alice as a person,” JC told her quickly.

“But do you like her?”

“I’ve known her for three days.”

“You’re avoiding the question,” Millie chided him. “Girlfriend aside, do you like her?”

JC thought about it. It wasn’t a simple yes or no. He did like Alice. He’d thought a few times about kissing her but nothing more. He didn’t find her unattractive but he wasn’t physically attracted to her either, which made him feel kind of guilty. Was he really that hung up on appearance? 

Millie could sense JC’s hesitation and smiled. “Let me guess. Not normally the type of woman you’d bone but you have this “connection” with her, right?” JC stared at Millie and she took his silence as agreement. “I can tell you right now you’re overthinking it. Just let whatever happens happen.”

“Well, as you stated, I have a girlfriend so nothing is going to happen,” JC tried to politely end the conversation.

Millie was having none of it and tried a different angle. “You know, Alice is like your dumpy little horse,” she said as she reached over and took the horse carefully out of JC’s hands. “She might look different than the other horses you’d want to ride but that doesn’t mean she isn’t still beautiful.”

“I never said…” JC stopped himself, thinking before he continued. He actually had thought of her as beautiful just that morning, but in regards to her soul, not her appearance. He shut his eyes and cursed at himself, realizing Alice had been right about their previous encounter; he really was about looks over substance back then.

“It’s ok, I get it,” Millie told him. “Hearing stories about her tragic past isn’t exactly going to make your dick hard.”

“I’m not sure what Alice has told you…” JC started.

“Dead shit bag of a husband,” Millie cut in. “Losing someone you love that didn’t love you back…it’s a lot of mixed emotions. I get it but it’s clear she wants to move on but doesn’t know how to.”

JC bit his lip, silently agreeing. Alice’s life was complicated but at least she knew that. JC felt like every day he was discovering a new way he was fucked up and the process was overwhelming at times. “I don’t know what advice I can give her,” JC confessed. “All I can do is listen.”

“I think that’s more than she’s had in a while,” Millie smiled at him and handed him back his horse. The rough edges had been smoothed down and the face given a bit more definition. Millie had even been able to add back on a simple short tail while they were talking.

“Wow,” JC looked the horse over. “This looks incredible.”

“Same horse, CJ, just gussied up a bit,” she began to clean off her hands. “Even the plainest things can be lovely, especially when you know the journey they took to get there.”

JC gave an appreciative nod of understanding to Millie as he walked the horse to the kiln to be set. He smiled, looking at the little thing and was amazed how ugly he thought it had been just a few minutes earlier. Still the same horse but it took the right person to see the beauty in it and make it come to life.

He started to clean up his station as his head filled with thoughts of Alice, of other women he hadn’t given a chance to. He wanted to blame it on youth, on being a global superstar but he had to admit vanity was in there as well. Millie, in her weird way, was right; he wanted someone he was attracted to in every aspect and he knew he’d finally found the one when he met Jen.

JC headed back to his room, truly missing his girlfriend for the first time since he’d arrived. He knew how lucky he was that she continued to stick by him, no matter how bad it got, and he knew how neglectful he had been of late. He wished he could tell her but they’d promised each other no contact while he was gone. Get your shit together and see where things stood when he got back home. 

JC almost wished he had another therapy session today. He checked his schedule and saw was supposed to get a detoxifying mud bath. Figuring he’d had enough mud for one day, he called the spa to cancel and pulled out his swim trunks. He needed to move and work out some of what was going on in his head.

Alice didn’t know what Aqua Yoga was before she got to the class but honestly wished she had a pool back home to continue doing it. It was the perfect cool down after her intense boxing class yet was a harder workout than she imagined. The feel of the warm water helped ease her mind from the current turmoil it was having and focus on her well being. She couldn’t believe she’d actually enjoyed an exercise class.

There was time before dinner so Alice indulged in the warm steam of the sauna as she let her swimsuit dry outside. It felt nice to lay against the warm planks and breathe in the humid air, a towel laying loosely to cover her. She could understand why people who could afford it would want this feeling every day. It was almost like all her troubles were outside this room and she was actually safe to unwind and relax for once.

Her sanctuary was interrupted as the door opened, emitting a plume of smoke into the air, from which emerged a wet JC, clad only in a towel. Alice thought maybe she had passed out from the heat but made sure to keep her mouth from hanging open just in case.

“Oh, shit. Hey Alice,” JC stammered when he saw her. “Sorry, I can leave if you…”

“No, you’re ok,” she told him. He was naked under that towel, she knew it and suddenly she remembered that so was she. She didn’t move a muscle as she watched JC unwrap his towel and lay it over his lap. “I thought you had some spa treatment this afternoon?”

“Yeah, ditched it. Still kinda in my head about some stuff, went for a swim in the outdoor pool.”

“Did it help?”

“Not really,” JC told her with a shrug.

“Yeah, this place is pulling up lots of weird shit,” Alice confessed with a sigh. “Don’t let your thoughts eat at you, trust me.” Alice very carefully sat up, holding the towel tight against her. “I’ve been in here for a bit. Why don’t I let you relax and I’ll catch up with you at dinner?” she said as she swung her legs down off the bench and prepared to stand.

“Oh my God,” JC’s breath caught in his throat, his eyes immediately drawn to Alice’s bare left thigh and the pink puffy scar running down it.

Alice tried in vain to cover herself but there wasn’t enough towel to adequately do so. “It looks worse than it is,” she brushed off while trying to figure out how to gracefully get out of there.

JC couldn’t hold in his horror at what he saw and felt compelled to have his fears for Alice confirmed. “Did Donny do this to you?” he asked quietly.

“Well, I mean, I kind of did it to myself, if I’m being…” Alice forced herself to stop. Stop lying, stop joking, stop acting like it wasn’t a big deal. She needed to come clean, needed to say it out loud, needed to let JC know she wasn’t this good person he kept thinking she was inside. “Our last fight was pretty…pretty intense.”

“That fucking bastard,” JC fumed. “If he wasn’t dead, I’d kill him myself.”

“Don’t worry, JC,” Alice breathed as she looked up into his eyes. “I’m the one that killed him.”