JC stared unblinking at Alice for a long moment, trying to understand what she had just said. “No,” he finally managed to utter. “Alice, no, Jesus. You can’t blame yourself for that. Things happen, people die, it’s not…”

“You aren’t understanding, JC,” she hung her head, refusing to look at him. “I literally killed him…with a fucking steak knife from the dining room table.”

JC stopped breathing. He genuinely could not believe this woman he’d gotten to know over the past couple days was capable of…JC’s eyes fell upon Alice’s scar again. “Your last fight,” JC was slowly putting the pieces together. “He did that to you and you…”

“Yeah,” Alice breathed.

JC got up and came to sit next to her, pulling her body towards him in a tight embrace. “Honey, that’s self defense. You…you did what you had to do.”

“Did I?” she asked but didn’t wait for an answer. “There were so many times I could have left, hundreds…thousands of incidents when I should have said enough and taken Patrick with me. It didn’t have to come to this.”

JC didn’t know what to say. He’d never had to deal with this type of situation and realized how lucky he was for that fact. “It’s ok now,” he tried to comfort her.

“It’s not ok now,” she snapped at him. “I’ve got a traumatized kid, a house in disrepair, debts I didn’t even know about flooding in and years of repressed feelings that are finally coming out. I am anything but ok.”

The amount of anger but steadfastness in Alice’s voice surprised JC. He continued to rub her shoulder, not knowing what else to do. “I’m here if you want to talk, Alice,” he told her. “About anything, doesn’t matter. I’m here for you, always.”

JC couldn’t tell if Alice was laughing or crying at that statement but soon realized it was a bit of both as she turned to look at him. “Do you realize how fucking weird this is for me? I’ve had a crush on you for thirty fucking years and the only reason I am here with you right now is because I murdered my abusive, piece of shit husband. I know they say the Lord works in mysterious ways but Jesus Christ!”

The confusion led to a smile that JC couldn’t contain. “I’m sorry,” he tried to grow serious. “I can’t imagine, I just…wow, that really is ironic,” he shook his head with a laugh.

“More like symbolic,” Alice sighed and allowed herself to lean her head on his bare shoulder and stare off. For all the times her husband teased her about “visiting Wonderland”, she felt like she was actually living in it now but it wasn’t as magical and carefree as she’d hoped it would be.

The duo sat in silence for a few moments. JC tried hard to put himself in Alice’s position. What if he’d come here and Michelle Pfieffer had been assigned as his partner? It would be a little weird but he just thought she was an attractive woman, he wasn’t invested in her life the way Alice was with him.

That thought gave him some pause. It was always so awkward for him to deal with the pedestal some fans put him up on but Alice was getting him to at least understand it a little bit better. It was natural to seek out something that would give you comfort in times of strife…he just didn’t know how he felt about her source of comfort being him.

Nevertheless, he knew what Alice needed now more than anything was that comfort and he was happy to play the part for her. It was the very least he could do for someone who’d cared about him all this time…it was something he wanted to do. “Talk to me, baby,” he told her, his fingertips brushing through her hair to soothe her. “Tell me what happened.”

Alice let out a long breath. She’d told this story so many times in the past six months that she was almost becoming numb to it…almost. Telling JC was a different kind of pressure than she was used to but there he was, sticking by her. She owed him the whole ugly truth.

“When we started dating, it was just little things. He moved like three times before coming to stay with me. Always roommate problems, never his fault. He’d quit the dispatch after only a few months, saying working together was a conflict of interest and I stupidly believed him. He job hopped so much until finally landing a warehouse supervisor job.”

Alice took another long breath. This was it. “The abuse got worse around that time. Patrick was about three. He…” Alice stopped herself, swallowing, reminding herself she needed to tell the full story. “It didn’t start off bad. A smart ass comment here and there. I tried not to think too much about it. He liked to wrestle and I thought it was fun. We’d scrap in the living room and just laugh and get winded then relax on the couch with a beer. I was so naïve I didn’t realize it was a weird thing, I just thought it was our thing.”

“He asked me to marry him shortly after he moved into my house,” Alice continued. “Well, technically, he never really asked. He just said “I like this. We should get hitched” and I ran with it. Never even got an engagement ring.”

JC could feel himself getting hotter and it wasn’t just from being in the sauna. “I used to just say it was because I went right into wedding planning to excuse it but it always bothered me. Always,” Alice told him. “I made sure I got a wedding ring though. I was going to have that at least.”

Alice refocused herself. “Things were ok being married. Not great but not bad. When I got pregnant, he was pissed. Didn’t want the responsibility of a kid, it turned out. Didn’t like that I’d be out of work and he’d have to pick up extra shifts at the cigar store he was working at at the time.”

“The first physical incident was when I was seven months pregnant. We’d been fighting about something, probably money. I went to walk away and he grabbed my arm and threw me into the wall. I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to do. He just screamed in my face for what felt like hours and I…I just took it. I told myself he was just stressed about the baby coming and excused it. It set the tone for everything that followed.”

“Once Patrick was born, at first Donny just avoided coming home at all costs. I wanted him to be there, for us to be a family. I can look back and realize I was trying to force my ideals of the perfect marriage onto a man who didn’t want it but at the time I thought that meant trying harder and harder to be a better wife. I realize now just how soul crushing it was.”

“Like I said, Donny got that warehouse job and it seemed like things were finally going to improve but that wasn’t the case. Everyone at work was “stupid” and “useless” but he could only take out so much of his frustration on the job if he didn’t want to get fired. So, he came home and took it out on me.”

JC pulled her tighter into him, forcing himself to stay silent and listen. “I really did want him to come home to a nice house and relax, dinner ready, all that June Cleaver shit. But I was still working and basically taking care of a toddler on my own. There was always something I missed, something I didn’t do or didn’t do well enough. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get it right.”

“I was good at hiding what was going on at home, at least I thought. My one escape was work and I poured every ounce of energy I had into it when I was there. It’s not a job you can be distracted by and I refused to be. That was until I started being the reason for some of the calls coming in.”

“It got to the point you had to call 911?” JC asked but then realized what a dumb question that was considered all he knew.

“I didn’t. The neighbors did. They could hear the yelling before that and checked in from time to time, me always saying that everything was fine. One night, when Patrick was four, Donny got mad about something and locked me out of the house. He was alone with Patrick and I was terrified.”

JC shook his head, now fighting his own tears. Part of him was so angry at Alice yet another part of him was proud of all she’d endured. It was easy to look from the outside and judge her actions but he knew being in a situation was a far different reality.

“I absolutely lost it and the neighbors called the cops and they made him let me back in. Patrick was fine and Donny told the cops I was just being a hysterical mother but the incidents were on record now. That…that ended up helping in the long run.”

“Guessing the neighbors called them a few more times over the years?”

“An understatement,” Alice told him. “All my co-workers now knew what was going on cuz they were the ones answering the calls. It was humiliating, I didn’t want anyone to know. I eventually broke down and told my boss I needed to leave and she was very understanding about it. Even offered to get me counseling and a plan to leave him. I was so ashamed that I didn’t accept it.”

“I loved that job. I was good at that job but I couldn’t take the stares when I’d limp into work or wear a turtleneck or whatever I had to do to hide what was going on at home. I couldn’t take the judgement.”

Alice took a shallow sigh and sat up; the heat was getting to her but she pressed on. “Donny lost it on me when I quit. That was the first time I had to send Patrick to stay with my brother. I somehow thought if I could just keep Patrick safe, if I could just take all of it on then maybe one day he finally wouldn’t have any anger left in him and we could actually be a family. I needed to be the strong one.”

A bitter laugh emerged from Alice after her last sentence. “God, that sounds so utterly stupid to hear it out loud. I was so dumb. I wanted to believe the good guy I had started dating was still in there but he never was a good guy. He just knew how to turn on the charm when he needed to.”

“You aren’t dumb,” JC told her. “Did you have anybody to talk to about any of this?”

“My brother eventually got it out of me once I kept asking Patrick to stay with him enough times. I kept it from my girlfriends and as it got harder to hide, I ended up just kind of fading from their lives. It was easier to pretend it wasn’t happening and isolate myself from everyone.”

Alice sighed. She could have gotten into the details with JC of all the broken bones and ER visits but didn’t see the point. Her thigh would always be a reminder of the physical abuse she’d survived but the emotional abuse was the part she still struggled to recover from. 

“Once Patrick was in school full time, I got a part time job at the insurance agency I work for now. Things finally were good. I had some time for myself but was still there to get Patrick off to school and when he got home. I could have dinner ready for Donny when he got home and leave him to unwind while I helped Patrick with his homework. I thought I had done it; I had been a supportive wife and helped my husband through whatever issues he’d been dealing with. After all the sacrifice, I’d get my happy ending.”

“How long did that last?” JC asked.

“Couple months. Patrick was getting older, he was starting to really see what was going on. He’s a smart kid, he’d ask to go to friends’ houses for dinner a lot to be out of the house. He deserved to see what a functioning family looked like.”

“That worked until he was nine and then Donny’s drinking got really out of control.” Alice paused, thinking. “I still don’t really know what happened. I mean, in my mind, it was fine and suddenly one day it wasn’t. We always had beer in the fridge and I’d have some as well. I never considered him to have a drinking problem until it was very obvious he did.”

Alice sighed and put her head in her hands, trying hard to get through the rest of the story. “One night, God knows what possessed him, he was insistent on going with me to pick Patrick up. I took that as a positive sign of him wanting to connect with his son that I said yes. The Kirklin’s have a very nice house and, well, I got tired of fixing all the things Donny had broken so ours was in less than great shape. God, if that isn’t a metaphor,” Alice laughed cruelly.

“Donny got jealous, barreled out of the car before I could stop him and started berating the dad. Accused him of trying to show Patrick the finer things in life and poison him against us. I just kept apologizing and trying to get Donny back in the car and he…he didn’t appreciate it.”

“What did he do?” JC whispered, almost not wanting to know the answer.

“I’m told he punched me,” Alice tried to keep the emotion out of her voice. “I don’t remember but the broken nose and eye socket pretty much confirmed it. The parents, they aren’t bad people, I get why but they wouldn’t let Patrick over anymore. They told the other parents what happened and now I didn’t have anywhere to send Patrick to be safe. He lost all his friends because of me.”

“Not because of you,” JC told her. “Because of Donny. Do not blame yourself for that.”

“JC, I have to take some responsibility here,” Alice insisted. “That doesn’t mean I’m excusing Donny in any way but I’m trying everyday to know what role my actions played in it all, or sometimes my inactions. I keep getting told it’s part of the “healing process” but God does it suck to see it with clearer eyes now and realize all the things I should have done different.”

“You see it though, that’s important,” JC reminded her. “If all this had happened and you still were blind to the circumstances, you definitely would not be processing everything in a healthy way.”

“That’s fair,” Alice reasoned, not wanting to admit to JC the mountain of grief she had piled upon herself in the immediate aftermath. “Really just everything got worse and worse after that. Patrick secluded himself in his room a lot. Donny was drinking more so he was spending more and we were going really far into debt, the stress of which made him drink more. I got a second job since Patrick was now older but Donny was pissed the chores weren’t getting done so I quit after a few weeks.”

“Which, I guess leads us to the final blow…so to speak,” Alice breathed but it was labored. The heat mixed with the emotion of it all was threatening to become too much but she was determined to get through it. “A regular Thursday night. I’d made chuck steak with garlic butter and rice. Donny was pissed from something at work and was on beer four, I think.”

“Chuck steak is cheap but it can have a lot of bones. I check the cut just to be sure but of course I missed one in Donny’s. He threw the plate across the room and started screaming at me for the mistake. Patrick normally would just run off to his room but that night, I don’t know if it was just him getting older or finally having had enough or what, but he just screams “Why do you always have to be such a dick to her?!”.”

“It was like the world stopped for a moment and I can still see the two of them staring the other down. If there is one thing I can give Donny, just one, it was that he never touched Patrick. It had somehow just become the unspoken rule but I knew that was about to be broken.”

Alice stared straight ahead, like she was watching the replay as she spoke. “I told Patrick to run before Donny could even react and Patrick bolted but in his urgency he fell crossing the threshold to the living room. Donny was up by then and I literally jumped on his back so Patrick could get up and that’s when I even realized Donny had the knife in his hand cuz he turned his arm and plunged it into my thigh.”

“I fell back and he hit me a couple times then started to go find Patrick but I…I wouldn’t let him. I grabbed his leg and pulled him down. I used all those wrestling moves he taught me early on against him and was able to disarm him, to pin him.”

“Patrick had called 911 but I didn’t know that. Maybe if I had…” Alice paused going over every gruesome detail again in her mind but not uttering a single word. “The cops came what felt like seconds later but it had been almost five minutes from start to finish. They pulled me off of him and I just…I saw him, saw him lying there, breathing so shallow and just staring at me, his chest covered in blood. I just stood there, people were talking but I couldn’t comprehend any of it.”

“You were in shock, Alice. That’s…understandable,” JC reassured her.

“I’m told Donny died on the ride to the hospital. They didn’t tell me until I was all patched up. At some point my brother showed up and took care of Patrick while I dealt with all the legalities. Now all those years of embarrassment paid off as there was so much documentation of the abuse that Donny had been inflicting. It was immediately ruled self-defense so I didn’t have to go to court or be charged or anything.”

“I’m sure that was a relief,” was all JC could say.

“Yes but that didn’t keep it out of the court of public opinion. Now all the rumors were confirmed to people who knew me and for people that didn’t…I can’t go to the grocery store or CVS without someone recognizing me and either calling me a hero or a murderer. Kids now actively pick on Patrick at school and he’s closed up so much and I don’t…”

That’s when the tears finally hit Alice hard as her body crumbled in on itself. Every consequence that fell upon her she could deal with but Patrick was the one true innocent in this whole ordeal and Alice hated herself that he had so many repercussions from the fall out. That was the part she still couldn’t forgive herself for.

JC tried to hold Alice’s shaking body as it was racked with uncontrollable sobs. He knew nothing he said would help at the moment as he could only watch as the grief consumed her for the time being. There was a strange beauty to it, however, as JC witnessed her hold nothing back and just let out what she always kept inside.

Alice shifted and her towel fell away from her body. JC couldn’t really see anything but certainly didn’t want to leave her that exposed. “Stay there, don’t move. I’m coming right back,” he told her as he wrapped his own towel back around his waist.

The air outside the sauna smacked him in the face as he opened the door. He quickly ran towards the changing area and found more towels and a robe that he grabbed. He caught sight of some bottled water on the counter and quickly downed one before taking two more and heading back.

Experiencing the sudden change in temperature again made JC’s stomach turn and he knew he had to get Alice out of the constant heat. He threw the robe over her and pulled her body up to lay against his as he uncapped a bottle. “Come on, honey, drink some, slowly. Let’s get you outside.”

Alice was distraught but coherent enough to do as JC asked. The cool water was the shock to the system that Alice needed to pull her back to her senses. “Oh God, I’m sorry, I…” she tugged the robe tighter over herself . She was crying and naked in front of her long-time crush…just when she thought things with him couldn’t get any more awkward…

“You’re fine,” JC told her. Alice shook her head and looked away but JC put his fingertips on her chin to tilt her gaze back. “You are a strong and brave woman, for so many reasons, but being vulnerable and telling me your story…you didn’t have to but I appreciate it. I wish there was something I could do to ease a little of that pain, just for a moment.”

The two stared at each other for a long moment. “You have, JC. More than you’ll ever know,” Alice said just above a whisper. JC watched as her eyes filled with gratitude. He found the emotion misplaced but knew she believed in it fully. All he’d done was listen; he wished terribly he could do more.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here,” JC told Alice as he helped her to her feet. They exited the sauna and slowly got changed, both needing to sit and drink more water from all the steam they’d been surrounded by. That coupled with the outpouring of emotion and Alice was drained. 

The two walked slowly back to their rooms silently, JC wrapping an arm around Alice again as they went, keeping her close. JC followed Alice into her room and went straight for the phone, calling the front desk and asking for her dinner to be sent to her, a pot of tea and an extra dessert.

“You didn’t have to do that,” she said quietly but clearly thankful she didn’t have to deal with any of the other guests at the moment.

“Don’t be silly, you need to rest and unwind. I’ll check on you after dinner, ok?” JC told her.

“Ok,” Alice replied meekly and wrapped her arms around JC tightly. She was too tired to even cry but she wanted to feel the reality of him. He still didn’t seem real yet she could feel his heartbeat against her own chest, his hand running over her back, his breath hot and even in her ear.

JC pulled back and gave her a smile. He himself was having a lot of feelings when it came to Alice at the moment and all she revealed she had been through. “I’ll be back in a bit,” he told her again as he gave her a kiss on the cheek and left. 

While it was nice to chat with other guests, JC found himself missing Alice. Maybe it was worry but he kept looking at the clock and willing time to move faster so he could get back to her. He didn’t like the idea of her potentially feeling like she was alone and wanted to be there if she needed anything.

As soon as he could, JC rushed back to find Alice’s door slightly open with the door jam used to prop it open. He knocked and when he didn’t get an answer, wandered in cautiously. When the room opened, he found Alice sound asleep on the bed, a small snore emitting from her.

JC couldn’t help but smile as he grabbed the throw blanket on the chair and covered her. He carefully rotated her body to give her more air flow and watched as her face slackened into a peaceful slumber. He watched her for a few moments, praying she would have good dreams for the night before leaving and locking her door behind him.

Back in his room, JC went straight for his guitar. He began to pluck out the song he’d started earlier in the day and found too many ideas flooding him at once. He put down the guitar and grabbed a notebook that he’d brought to write down his thoughts he had yet to use. By the time he finally called it a night just before 2am, the pages were beginning to be filled with random thoughts and lines, cord selections and various time signatures he wanted to incorporate. It was more than a song at this point, it was the inspiration he’d been searching for.