Alice was happy to return to the morning Tai Chi and stretches to ease her into her day instead of feeling like she’s just run a marathon. Today was all about constant motion, something she was very familiar with. Instead of busying herself to avoid her problems, however, she’d be taking the time to let her thoughts move freely and concentrate on her well being. Strength and balance training, yoga, mat Pilates and something called Feldenkrais, which centered on awareness through movement, were all on the agenda for the day, along with her usual sessions with Lesli and Michael. This was the type of day she’d imagined when this retreat had first been offered.
JC was prepped for a restorative day as well, if he could get his mind focused. Thoughts kept consuming him about Alice, about Jen, about trying to be more open again. He wanted to blow off his morning yoga to go write but stuck it out, trying to keep the attention on his own well being instead of everyone else’s. So far, it wasn’t working.
He was almost grateful to have his therapy session next, knowing well enough he needed to get out of his own head. He’d seen a therapist on and off over the years and did see the benefits but having someone to be an unbiased soundboard every day was new and definitely needed.
“Hey Josh,” Kevin spoke as JC entered his office. “How goes it today?”
JC immediately went to lay on the couch, trying to even think where to start. “Do I really have this many problems?” he said primarily to himself.
“Do you think you do?” Kevin crossed his legs and got his notepad out.
“I don’t know anymore,” JC confessed. “I came here to figure out why I’ve been in such a funk and I feel like instead of it being one or two things, it’s a million little things. How do I even go about fixing that?”
“I can assure you it isn’t a million but let’s start with making a list of things you’ve identified so far,” Kevin offered.
Over the next hour, JC rattled off a litany of things that he and Alice had discussed: the highs and lows of his career, his relationships with his band mates as collaborators and as friends, his change in work ethic with not only his music but his physical appearance, his relationship with Jen and his growing yet complicated feelings about Alice, especially in light of her revelations the prior day.
Kevin also made sure JC counterbalanced his concerns with his blessings. That was somehow harder for JC to pinpoint as it was also a part of his struggle; he knew superficially he had a great life and felt even more foolish to not appreciate it. He told Kevin as much as they wrapped up their list.
“Ok, so let’s work on that today,” Kevin offered.
“I don’t follow.”
“Josh, you keep so much inside you that when it does come out, you go into a creative frenzy. Writing your thoughts down is great, expressing yourself through song is a perfect venue for you but you need to get past sharing through only those outlets. You didn’t get where you are today on your own so why do you think you have to bear all of your struggles in silence?”
JC didn’t have an answer to that. He wished he did but it was just something he felt was the best thing to do. Everyone had their issues and he’d been reminded of that enough times when he’d tried to speak up that he learned just to stay silent. Now that was catching up with him too.
“Let’s concentrate on things that are going to help your frame of mind, that’s what’s most important,” Kevin told him as he got up and grabbed a stack of papers from his desk, flipping through and grabbing the one he wanted. “Boxing, cycle…no no, we aren’t doing all this today,” he started crossing things out of JC’s schedule.
“Dear God, thank you,” JC breathed. He didn’t mind the exercise in general but his main objective of this trip had been to clear his head and it felt like it was getting more and more clogged with each passing hour. He needed a recharge.
After Kevin jotted down some notes, he turned back to JC. “I’m good at my job, Josh, but I’m not a mind reader. This retreat is for you so don’t be afraid to change your activities based on how you are feeling that day. Do what is best for you, not just what is expected of you.”
“I’ll try to remember that,” JC gave a small smile as he stood up.
“If it works for you, why don’t you head on over to the spa. They have an aromatherapy bar I think will help get you on the right track, at least for today. You need a day to fully concentrate on your own mindfulness.”
“Worth a shot to me,” JC agreed and headed out. He wouldn’t say he was exactly into New Age holistic healing but meditation had helped in the past. He hated that he’d lost the motivation to do it as of late but maybe this would jump start the urge again. That or he would need to steal some of that psychotropic tea mixture from the other day.
A beautiful young woman by the name of Eloise was waiting for him and guided him to the aromatherapy bar that Kevin had mentioned. “Today we’re going to find the best scents that suit you and create a blend that is unique to you and your needs,” Eloise simply explained.
Eloise guided JC through the process of discovering and blending the best essential oils based on his preferences and desires. They ultimately chose the odd mixture of lavender and ginger, two scents that tended not to blend well, as their base. JC liked how the aromas fought at one another, much like he felt like he did to himself so many times. Eloise helped add elements of peppermint, lemon and frankincense to balance out the scents. Together they were able to create something grounding and comforting yet energizing and uplifting, something completely JC.
JC was provided a small vial to keep with him as Eloise promised to whip up more of the concoction to use during his massages the next few days and to take back to LA. He left the studio with a bit more spring in his step. He liked cologne and always wore something that spoke to him but having something made specifically for him was a treat he’d never even thought about giving to himself.
He went down the hall to find a man named Julian to partake in a voice empowerment exercise Kevin had set up on his behalf. After a brief introduction, Julian set out the goals for the class. “Josh, I know you’re a musician so using your voice isn’t a problem when it comes to performing or songwriting. It’s when you aren’t in your element that we are going to work on today.”
Julian went on to explain that when your physical, mental and spiritual voices are on the same page, that is when the whole of your voice is empowered. He guided JC through a series of exercises, teaching him the importance of intention through his words, the tone and delivery and how he wanted his own voice to be heard to the people he was speaking to.
JC found the concepts familiar yet foreign all at once. Writing and recording a song, everything Julian said made sense. He was always mindful of the flow, the message, the tempo…he knew how important all the elements were to crafting a song. Speaking, however, he felt lost, like he could never get out the things he wanted to say in the right way.
“A conversation isn’t a song, Josh,” Julian bluntly explained. “You can spend hours, days or weeks even to perfect a song. It’s a monologue; no one is going to interrupt you while you're singing. With a conversation, you can still prepare but they never go the way we imagine in our heads. The key is not only to listen but not to be drowned out. Your voice is just as important as everyone else’s.”
“I like contributing my voice,” JC explained. “I like a group dynamic where I’m one of many. I do feel like my voice is heard when I’m helping write a song. When it’s just me, that’s when I get uneasy.”
“I try to keep my sessions based off only the information that is disclosed but I think I need to be forthcoming that I know who you are,” Julian admitted. “I only bring this up because you stated you like being part of a group and, well, you were very famously part of a group.”
“I was, past tense,” JC stated, actually a little relieved Julian knew something more about him so he could skip some explanations.
“You sound bitter about that last part.”
“Not bitter, just…we were a group before. Not just in name but in how we functioned. We didn’t do anything unless it was good for all of us. That started to change, towards the end, and that…that I get but now,” JC took a deep breath, “we’re five individual lives held together by a shared experience a quarter of a century ago. They are still my brothers and I love them but when it comes to the group, we just don’t see eye to eye anymore.”
“Again, pardon the outside knowledge, but I can only imagine you’re alluding to the potential of a reunion.”
“Yeah,” JC sighed and lowered his head.
“Does someone not want to do it?”
“Actually no, we all want to do it, it’s the how that’s the problem.”
“So, you do still see eye to eye.” JC jerked his head up at Julian’s last statement. “Everyone’s goal is still the same but you have five different people coming from five different mindsets into it. I agree that’s tricky to navigate. So tell me Josh, what is your perspective?”
“I, ummm,” JC searched for his words, “we all have different things going on and I respect that but I don’t want anyone to make the band an afterthought if we decide to do it. We’re all so much older now and it’s harder to do things. Not impossible but to build up the stamina and drive to mount and perform a whole show again is daunting. We all need to be one hundred percent committed to this: to each other and to our fans for this to work.”
“And you think they won’t be?”
“I know they won’t be,” JC stated. “They say they will but then there’s business meetings or movie shoots that need to be worked around. Family commitments I totally get but if I’m willing to put my current projects on hold for them, I expect the same in return.”
“And you’ve told them this?”
“Not in so many words…” JC’s voice trailed off.
“Why is that?”
“Cuz they already lead with that. Justin’s in discussions to join the Marvel Universe. You can’t exactly tell a quarter of a billion dollar budget movie it has to delay production because your former boy band wants to relive their glory days.”
“I admit that I don’t know how the entertainment business works but I do know he’s Justin Timberlake so I’m sure accommodations could be made,” Julian gave a gentle smile. “I also know that you are assuming things based off of what you’ve heard instead of speaking and letting the others respond.”
“What’s the point? They’ve already said everything I need to know.”
“You aren’t allowing yourself to be open to their voices. You hear one thing you don’t like and you shut down and assume it won’t work. There are five of you; as you said, you used to work as a group and do what is best for the group. I’m sure no one got their way all the time. Everyone needed to compromise and that is exactly what you will need to do here. However, it isn’t compromise if you just fold to the majority. You still need to make sure your voice is heard, recognized and understood.”
“I don’t even know where to start with that,” JC confessed. “Having serious conversations anymore feels very daunting. I don’t want to upset people by saying the wrong thing so I just…I don’t know when it got so hard.”
“You’ve been having a serious conversation with me for nearly an hour,” Julian pointed out. “You’ve talked to your partner freely this week. How has that felt?”
“Weird. Not bad weird but…I pushed past a lot of more normal roadblocks with Alice in an attempt to really give this retreat my all, and that’s mostly worked, but now I find myself considering Alice a friend. I care about her and just like any of my other friends, I don’t want to say something that could upset her.”
“You can’t walk around on eggshells with your friends, Josh. If you can’t be yourself around them, are they really your friends?”
“Yes, they are,” JC glared.
“Then let them be. Give them a chance instead of assuming.” Julian put his hands on his thighs and stood. “I want you to try something for me and, I want to preface that this is just an exercise; if it doesn’t work, it’s not a failure.” JC simply nodded and listened. “I told you a song isn’t a conversation but maybe it’s a place to start. Channel what you are feeling, what you are struggling to say into a format you are comfortable in.”
JC mulled the thought over. His brain had been all over the place last night, scribbling down thoughts as they came to him. Perhaps this would help him at least organize some of it. “I can give that a try.”
“Good,” Julian smiled. “Get your massage, get some lunch then just find a space you can let your creativity loose in. Take the afternoon and just see what happens.”
“Alright, I’ll do that,” JC smiled, extending his hand. He was liking the idea the more he thought about it. “Thanks for listening, man.”
“Your voice is powerful, Josh. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel differently, including yourself,” Julian shook JC’s hand.
JC did take Julian’s advice but found the execution harder than he anticipated. After his much needed massage, you opted to skip formal lunch and head up the mountain he and Alice had climbed a few days earlier. With only his phone and a notebook in hand, he found himself at the summit overlooking the valley and lake once again.
He perched himself on a rock and simply stared out, enjoying the view. It felt calming to be up there, nestled into nature and watching the goings on unobtrusively and unobserved. After some time, he peered into his notebook to try to make sense of the mess.
JC started a fresh page and picked out parts of his ramblings that made sense to his situation with the guys. He knew there was a song in there somewhere, he just had to find it. Yet, as he continued to sort, it was becoming clear to him that it wasn’t about the content at the moment but just that he wanted them all to listen and take what he had to say to heart. That’s what his song should reflect.
Suddenly his memory was filled with the beautiful vocals of his former cast mate. JC quickly pulled out his phone. He realized he hadn’t seen the video for Christina Aguilera’s “The Voice Within” probably since it had come out nearly twenty years ago but still pictured her as the thirteen year old girl who would beg for piggy back rides from him. “Stripped” had been the perfect title for that album as JC watched Christina command his attention simply with her voice and demeanor. The black and white video, bare set and bare feet…everything was made for the viewer to see her vulnerability yet still know who she was. JC watched the video a few times, wishing he could do something like that.
He was about to put his phone away when the suggested video at the end caught his eye. A smile crossed his face as he clicked and heard his band mate yell “Hit it!” as a rockabilly guitar solo started playing. The smile grew with each line as Chris’s voice rang out into the wilderness. JC didn’t remember this particular Chip Skylark song but it sure was catchy and hearing his brother sing a kid’s pop song encouraging him to “Find Your Voice” was oddly exactly what he needed.
“Screw a reunion, when is Chip Skylark going on tour?” JC texted with a wink emoji and the link to the video.
JC continued to click through the choices of songs YouTube suggested for him as the algorithm got more precise. Finally, he landed on the song that hit him straight in the heart. He’d heard Demi Lovato sing “Anyone” at the Grammys not that long back. He remembered how emotional the song was for them, having to collect themselves and start again and still performing with such beauty and grace. He switched over to the video of that specific performance, in awe that their vocals were still that flawless as tears streamed down their face.
That’s something JC wanted: that moment of connection, of common understanding. He wanted it in his music but right now he was seeking it primarily in his life. He just wished someone would “get it” without him having to explain but he knew that was an impossible task.
“Dude,” a text message popped in at the top of the video. “They’re making a Fairly Oddparents live action sequel thing. I put in some calls.”
“Seriously? That’s awesome,” JC replied to Chris.
“How’s your retreat going? That boring you’re watching cartoon me sing?”
“You wish you were that cool,” JC sent before he could stop himself. He instantly regretted it, not wanting his friend to take offense. He started typing an apology furiously.
“It’s true. I only play cool on tv,” Chris joked back with a laughing emoji. JC let out a breath, thankful it was Chris on the receiving end who could certainly take a joke…or maybe he was just over reacting to begin with. “Seriously, how’s it going?” Chris asked again.
“Good. Weird. LOTS of stuff to think about.”
“Here if you need to chat.”
JC bit his lip. “Even about the stuff we disagree on?”
“Especially that stuff,” the reply came quickly. “Don’t guarantee we’ll end up agreeing but I can promise I’ll listen.”
JC smiled at his phone, wishing he could hug Chris in that moment. For all of Chris’s jokes and off color remarks, the guy really knew just what to say at the right time. “I love you,” JC simply wrote.
“I love you too. Go get your brain unscrambled and we’ll Frankenstein the pieces back together soon.”
JC laughed and sent Chris a gif of the aforementioned character with his arms outstretched, ambling through the woods.
“If only it were that easy,” Chris wrote back with a heart emoji.
JC put his phone away and laid back as the sun started dipping perilously closer to the horizon. It was hard for him to get out of his own head but when he did, the conversation flowed easily. He knew he needed to let his guard down and wasn’t really sure how it had risen so high in the first place. One thing he did know is he had great friends but it was certainly nice to have the reminder now and again.
