Alice pedaled aggressively as the instructor loudly encouraged the participants of her spin class but, unsurprisingly, her mind was somewhere else. Her session with Lesli after her shower wasn’t very productive but she appreciated the therapist letting her spout off all her questions about the night before and her adventure with JC this morning. It unfortunately left her with even more questions and concern as she set into her cooldown and hoped her yoga class would calm her worries. This whole retreat was meant to help them yet she couldn’t get her mind off the fact that JC was alone with Ivan and praying everything was going ok.

JC sat cross legged on a worn section of the garden, watching Ivan arrange various bottles and implements on a bench to the side of them. Incense permeated the air as Ivan had blessed the space before JC sat down. The air was cool and he wished he’d grabbed another jacket but was glad he’d pulled his hair back into a small ponytail to keep it from blowing in his face. He clutched his stone in his palm and waited anxiously for whatever was about to happen.

Finally, it seemed, Ivan was ready as he sat down opposite JC in the same manner. “Namaste, Josh,” he put his hands in prayer position and bowed at the waist.

“Namaste,” JC mimicked the action.

“Do you have any idea what we are doing here today?”

“Not really. Your mom said my vishuddha was blocked? Seems like that has to do with my voice but I worked with Julian on that yesterday so I’m not really sure what good this will do.”

“Julian’s work is extremely important but his focus is finding your voice. The voice is in you, Josh. It’s found, it just can’t get out,” Ivan explained. “The vishuddha is the throat chakra, most commonly associated with the color blue, like your quartz,” Ivan gestured towards JC’s hand. 

JC uncurled his fingers and stared at the crystal. “Ok…but that still doesn’t explain how it turned blue.”

“Doesn’t it?” Ivan gave a small smile.

“Look man,” JC sighed. “I’m all for trying new things and fixing my vishuddha or whatever but all this coded speak is really getting to me.”

Ivan’s smile grew wider. “Well, I’d say we’re already making progress. Shall we begin?”

“I guess?” JC said, growing more confused as the exercise went on.

“You need to be able to speak your truth, Josh. Kevin, Julian, and professionals back home can help you figure out why it happened and to help make sure it doesn’t happen again but my job today is to clear up the traffic jam you’ve created inside of you.”

JC couldn’t argue with the analogy as Ivan leaned forward and peered at him. “The vishuddha is like the body’s communication hub. Calling it the throat chakra isn’t entirely accurate as it also affects the tongue, lips, cheeks, jaw, ears, neck and shoulders. It impacts not just our voice and ability to speak but our listening skills as well.”

“Often when our vishuddha is blocked or out of alignment, we can feel our voice is not being heard and we stifle it,” he continued. “We also find it harder to hear what others may be trying to tell us, pulling out the negative and ignoring the positive. This can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety and low self esteem, or just a general feeling of being “off” because essentially you are.”

JC now was listening with rapt attention, feeling like Ivan was accurately describing his recent mental state. “Ok, so, what do we do about it?”

“It depends on how deeply it is blocked. Once we identify that, we’ll go about opening it to ensure that energy is flowing freely again.” Ivan stood and ran his hands over the smoke from the incense burner. “This is a bit of a physical examination but not intrusive. Can I place my hands on you so I can get a sense of what’s going on?”

“Uh, sure, ok,” JC agreed. Ivan moved behind JC and gently placed his hands on JC’s shoulders. JC didn’t move as Ivan methodically moved up and down JC’s arms, up and around his neck, down his back and around to his chest. As Ivan moved down over JC’s stomach, JC shifted a bit uncomfortably. “Uh, Ivan, careful where you’re going there.”

“Shhhh, I’m not gonna be inappropriate. I’m just trying to find the…yes, there it is!” Ivan said triumphantly, pressing a finger into the middle left of JC’s gut, below his belly button but above his pelvis. “I should have known.”

“Should have known what?”

“Your creativity lives in your svadhisthana, or to plainly say, your gut. It’s full and can’t get out because of the blockage. I’m going to guess you haven’t been doing much musically lately because you don’t feel that spark, right?”

“Damn…yeah,” JC admitted, bewildered.

“That also explains why you’re carrying some excess weight in that region,” Ivan continued.

“Thanks for noticing,” JC grumbled.

“In order for those creative ideas to flourish and manifest, they have to have a way to express themselves. That’s where your vishuddha comes in. Those ideas need the gateway to get out and into the world.”

“Ok, I’m with you, but I still don’t understand the how.”

“From what Julian explained to me, a lot of the issue is that you have something to say but can’t work up the nerve to say it or even how to say it, correct?” JC nodded in affirmation. Ivan stood again and made a concerned face. “Josh, it all connects. Your creativity is stifled because you can’t express yourself. You aren’t writing or performing which is frustrating you and that frustration is causing you to shut down because you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about it in a way you feel they will understand. You’re hiding from the important and hard conversations because you feel like you can’t handle them. We aren’t leaving here until we can make sure that you can.”

JC could feel the hot tears starting to spill down his cheeks. “How the fuck do you know all this?” he asked as he wiped his eyes. “I used to be so clear about what I wanted or what I didn’t. I knew how to state my choices and defend them if need be. I could give my opinion or joke around without fear of repercussion. I don’t know when it all changed.”

“I don’t know either but we are gonna set you back on the right path today, I promise you that,” Ivan said confidently. “I want you to be able to speak fearlessly again while learning to truly hear what others are saying, not just selective parts. When you can articulate yourself clearly, it will help you finally feel heard and understood.”

JC wanted that bad, more than he realized even yesterday working with Julian. He knew Ivan wasn’t offering a magic cure but so many unexplainable realizations had happened over the past few days, he was almost convinced he’d finally feel like himself again after all of this. “Ok, I’m ready,” he looked Ivan square in the eyes.

Ivan smiled as he started the session by leading JC through a few yoga moves that specifically bent and flexed the neck to allow his body to loosen. Once satisfied, they sat back down as Ivan took JC’s crystal and placed it at the base of his throat, his thumbs holding it in place as his hands rested on JC’s collarbone. Ivan let out a low, gentle hum as he slowly rotated JC’s neck to the left.

“Feel the vibration in your throat and let it travel through your body,” Ivan instructed him, his own humming growing a touch louder. “Allow yourself to focus inward and concentrate on your own energy. Pay less attention to me and more to yourself.”

JC tried his hardest, able to let Ivan manipulate his body much in the same way he relaxed when getting his massage. Trying to find his own energy was harder, however. It didn’t feel like he had none but more as though it was dormant, happy to stay settled and languid.

“Feel the truth within you wanting to surface. Whatever that may be, feel its presence and power begin to rise and take shape,” Ivan told him. “Invite a letting go of holding. Let your muscles relax and allow those feelings to come forward.”

Concentration formed on JC’s face as he worked to find the truth he wanted to explain. There was so much of it though, too many things he needed to get out of him. Hurt, pain, joy, regret…it all was mixed into one giant lump he didn’t know how to unravel.

Ivan could sense the tension in JC start to rise and stopped his meditation. “I’m sorry, I know you’re trying,” JC apologized. “I just…I don’t even know where to start.”

“I told you, Josh. We aren’t leaving until we get you unblocked,” Ivan stood and made his way over to the bench.

“You make it sound like I’m constipated,” JC tried to joke.

“You are,” Ivan deadpanned. “Emotionally constipated, that is.” He returned with a mug. “Drink this,” he handed the mug to JC. “Think of this as MiraLAX for the soul.”

JC eyed the concoction and tipped the cup to his lips. The liquid was warm but viscus, like he was drinking melted licorice. “Ugh, that was terrible!” JC exclaimed as he finished, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “What the hell is in it?”

“Josh, you should always ask before you ingest the unknown substance, never after,” Ivan couldn’t help but tease, taking the mug from JC and placing a large bowl in front of him.

“Did you just poison me?!” JC asked in alarm.

“Obviously no but I can’t promise you this next little bit will be pleasant. I’m gonna be with you every step of the way though,” Ivan told him, moving to sit behind JC this time and placing the crystal once again in the same spot. “We’re gonna start over again, ok?”

“Fuck…” JC breathed, sweat forming on his brow as he could feel his anxiety start to take hold. He had no idea what he’d gotten himself into but knew he was in it too deep at this point. The logical part of him knew he wasn’t going to die but that wasn’t reassuring enough for him at the moment.

Soon enough, Ivan was reciting his meditation again, this time taking a bit longer to get JC’s body relaxed and loosened once more. When he was finally satisfied it was as good as it was going to get, Ivan once again asked JC to envision the truth he needed to get out of his body. 

This time, however, it was clearer to JC the ball of repressed feelings that was arising in his stomach. He swore he could feel it move slowly from the spot Ivan had indicated earlier and creep up through his intestines as an audible gurgle could be heard.

“Good job, Josh. Keep going,” Ivan quickly stated before going back to his incantation. JC could feel the hum of his body more clearly this time around as it vibrated with growing intensity as they continued. His anxiety kicked into high gear as he felt that ball hit the base of his esophagus.

“Hey man, I think we gotta stop, I’m not…” JC licked his lips as his mouth ran dry, his skin all of a sudden clammy and his breathing labored.

“I got you, Josh. Let it happen,” Ivan told him calmly but firmly. JC suddenly realized the purpose of the bowl and vowed to punch Ivan as soon as he had his strength back.

Vomit poured out of JC in a wave as he screamed out his heartache. “Help! I just need some fucking help. Why can’t anyone see that?!” he broke down in tears, his body folding in on itself with only Ivan keeping him upright.

“There you go, don’t stop,” Ivan encouraged him.

Another round came forward. “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve any of it. I couldn’t be the success people thought I was. I fooled everybody, especially myself.” There was just enough pause for JC to catch his breath before the next exorcism of bile came forth. “I miss my brothers so much. I miss what we had and I’m scared we’ll never have it again.”

This continued for several minutes, as JC’s cries grew louder and more urgent as everything he’d kept bottled up flowed out of him. His seeming failure as a solo artist and as a manager, the toll his past relationships had take on him and how he knew he’d never be good enough for Jen because of them, the constant and unwanted comparisons to Justin and how they affected him and just how utterly tired he was of trying to act like everything was ok when it very much wasn’t.

JC’s body was wracked with sobs, convulsing and sweating as this whole process went on. He felt like he couldn’t breathe but Ivan held him tight and reminded him to take in air. Once the throwing up subsided, Ivan carefully laid JC onto his side to let him recover. JC turned himself into his own ball as he continued to let his feelings out in long, loud and cathartic tears.

When JC finally opened his eyes, he saw Ivan crouched over him with a second mug in his hand. “Fuck you,” JC spat at him and attempted to get up but his limbs had other plans as he simply wasn’t strong enough yet.

“That’s fair,” Ivan said, undeterred. “I promise you, this is just chamomile with honey and a bit of elderberry.” Ivan took a sip to show JC it was harmless and extended it again. JC trepidatiously took the mug with his shaking hands and let the smooth liquid slide down his throat. Without a word, Ivan refilled the mug a second and third time until JC had his bearings back.

“What in the actual fuck just happened?” JC stared with wide red eyes. 

“You’ve been letting your fears consume you for far too long. We had to get them out in order to start healing all those wounds.”

“Did the expulsion of all my stomach contents really need to be involved though?”

“That’s how your body manifested it, Josh. Sometimes we need a physical example of our emotional state.” JC raised an eyebrow at Ivan, who couldn’t help but laugh. “Ok, fine, a little bit of ipecac might have been involved as well but the point still remains.”

“So you did poison me?”

“Do you feel better though? Think about it; answer honestly.”

JC did think it through. He was exhausted but he somehow felt lighter. It had felt good to finally say out loud so much of what he said to himself on a nearly daily basis. He didn’t know if those thoughts were truly gone from him but there was a sense of uneasy relief running through him. “I, uh, I kind of do, I guess,” JC admitted.

“Good. Now let’s start on healing,” Ivan smiled. He reached over and picked up something from the ground, handing it to JC. “Looks like we’re well on our way.”

JC looked at the jewel in Ivan’s hand. It looked in shape like the one he’d brought with him but it now glowed a deeper, brighter blue than previously. “Ok, you switched them out, I get it. Point made though,” JC took it from him.

“I promise you I didn’t but I can’t give away all the company secrets,” Ivan winked. “Life teaches us many lessons and while it is important we learn from them, we cannot keep all of that energy within ourselves without muting our own. Today, you let some of that unneeded energy go and your own light is shining brighter. Now we need to make sure it never dulls again.”

“How do we do that?”

“Right now you’ve got a spaciousness within you you haven’t had for quite some time, a freedom for your energy to now manifest in a positive way. We are going to harness that to get you going on the right path and keep you connected to your authentic self,” Ivan sat back down next to JC.

Ivan led JC through another meditation, incorporating the breath work that Julian had taught him prior and how he could move the energy through his body based on it. They worked on specific techniques on how to maintain a sense of calm when disputes could arise so that JC could still use his voice effectively and know that he was being heard.

“Your voice is an instrument, Josh,” Ivan explained. “Not just because you are a musician, this is true for all of us. Even though you don’t perform anymore, you should treat it with the same care. Drink tea, warm it up in the morning, do vocal exercises. You need to keep your voice healthy so it is always ready to use when you need it, both physically and spiritually.”

“I mean, sure, but I don’t really know how that’s gonna help.”

“Not only does it create a routine to start off your day, it also is a reminder of a better time.” JC cocked his head in confusion at Ivan’s statement. “You were happy performing, were you not? Or even just creating music, I’m sure you have to prepare your voice in some way to do that. Let yourself remember that joy so you can experience it again.”

“How do you make it sound so simple?”

“Because it actually is. If we all could just focus on the good things in life instead of getting distracted by all the issues the world creates for us, we’d all be in a much better place,” Ivan surmised as he helped JC slowly to his feet. 

“The benefits of living on a commune,” JC chuckled as he steadied himself.

“Perhaps, or perhaps it’s just finding the happiness in the way I choose to live,” Ivan smiled at him. “You need to take it easy today. Everything’s raw. I arranged for lunch in your room, a nice spirulina cream of cauliflower soup that is excellent for the throat chakra. Take the afternoon for yourself and just see how you feel.”

“Alright man, thanks…I think,” JC started to slowly move.

“Hold on, I’ll walk back with you,” Ivan said as he started to clean up the area. “I also want to give you the number of a colleague in LA for when you get back. She’s a reiki specialist and voice coach and I think would be excellent in keeping you on track for at least the next month or two while you get your bearings.”

“Is it going to involve puking again?”

“As long as you don’t get that bound up again and actually express what you’re feeling, no, you should be fine.” Ivan smirked. “Oh, I almost forgot,” he stated and grabbed JC’s quartz from his hand. He walked over to the bench and JC heard the quick sound of a drill. After a moment, Ivan returned with the crystal now having a small loop attached and a plain black chord strung through it.

“Well, isn’t this ironic?” JC took the necklace and examined it.

“Why’s that?”

“I used to wear something similar for years. Same shape too just a pendant for my astrological sign.”

“Maybe you were subconsciously drawn to this one because of its familiarity then.”

“No, actually Alice picked this out for me,” he turned the gemstone delicately between his fingertips.

“Then perhaps she was,” Ivan stated plainly then took back the necklace and affixed it around JC’s neck, the stone laying perfectly at the base. “It’s important to remember we can celebrate our past without being bound to it. We can take the old and make it into something new.”

JC touched the stone once more. “That one has always been a hard lesson for me to learn.”

“You’ll get there,” Ivan patted his back as the two made their way back to the retreat house.