It was late afternoon by the time JC saw Alice again as he entered the art studio. He’d spent the day taking Ivan’s advice, electing to do some activities that truly sparked his interest while letting himself recoup from the morning. A long talk with Kevin and a citrus & herb magnesium body treatment later, he was feeling energized and more youthful than he had in years.
Alice was bent over a table in concentration, hot glue gun in hand as JC approached her. “Hey Beautiful,” he smiled and kissed her temple. “Whatcha making?”
A yelp of shock left Alice at the sudden interaction, dropping the glue gun on the table. “Jesus Christ!” she shouted, clutching her chest and breathing heavily. JC just looked at her with amusement. “Fuck! Where have you been? If I didn’t see you by dinner, I was seriously going to start worrying the aliens really did abduct you.”
“Can’t get rid of me that easily,” JC chuckled then looked over to the table. “So, what are you doing?”
“I took this class about journaling and they suggested you decorate it to make it more meaningful and appealing to want to write in every day.”
“That’s actually a pretty good idea. I used to journal a lot but it’s been sporadic at best the past few years. Maybe this would help.”
“Well, pull up a seat if you want,” Alice scooted over.
“Yes, but not for that,” JC told her as he walked away. Alice watched as he grabbed something from across the room and returned to sit next to her, placing a figurine on the table.
“What in the hell is that?”
“It’s a horse, or at least my attempt at a horse. I made it the other day so now I’m gonna paint it and give it some detail,” JC explained.
“It’s somehow comforting to know you aren’t perfect at everything,” Alice chuckled as she went back to her journal.
“I’ll admit I wasn’t sure about it at first but your friend Millie got me to see things from a different perspective and it’s now grown on me,” JC beamed at his creation as he started to select some paint.
“Lord,” Alice looked around the room. “I do like Millie but she’s a little too invested in…us.”
“How do you mean?”
“Did you forget about her spying from a damn bush? I don’t know, she means well but she uses these retreats to get her rocks off and good for her, no judgement. That’s just not the reason I’m here, you know?”
“Absolutely. I get it. Week away, some freedom from responsibility. Easy to let your more carnal instincts take over,” JC said offhandedly then noticed Alice’s journal again. “Hey, what is that you’re doing with the shamrock?”
“Oh, I figured that represented Patrick. Just trying to pick out certain symbols and decoupage them together in a way that doesn’t look completely heinous.”
“What’s decoupage?”
Alice blinked at JC several times. “You’ve got to be kidding me?”
“What?” JC asked innocently.
“You mean after all that, Rosie never even showed you?!” Alice’s voice rose in volume.
“Rosie?” JC tried to figure out.
“Rosie O’Donnell. One of the times you were on the show, she mentioned decoupage and you very infamously said “Learn me”. I can’t believe you don’t remember that. You were wearing that black cardigan with the birds on it.”
“I can’t believe you remember what I was wearing,” JC laughed. It occurred to JC that normally this turn in the conversation would have weirded him out but whether it was because it was Alice or his unwound tension from earlier in the day, he just let it carry on without worry.
“I mean, I probably remember a lot of stuff I shouldn’t,” Alice blushed and shifted on her stool. “Is it weird, you know, that fans can remind you of parts of your life that you’ve forgotten?”
JC considered the question as he dipped a thin paint brush into some chestnut colored paint. “Yes but not in an upsetting way. Like when a friend reminds you of a night out or a conversation. Sometimes it jogs your memory, sometimes it doesn’t. Sadly, so much of those interviews have blurred together over the years that I just can’t pick out specific things anymore.”
“You ever think about watching some on YouTube? There’s a lot on there.”
“Never really thought about it,” JC shrugged but now found himself pondering it. He always found it so silly to go back and reminisce like that over his “glory days”. It was more depressing than inspiring but something made him feel like it wasn’t the worst idea now. “Any you’d recommend?”
“Oh gosh, I mean, that Rosie one was big, and The Tonight Show where you talked about needing to save money...”
“Ok, that one I remember because I got in a lot of trouble for saying that,” JC laughed, remembering the huge fight he and Bobbie had had immediately after. JC pulled out his phone and handed it to Alice. “Pull one up you think I’d like.”
“Are you serious?” Alice reluctantly took the phone. For the first time since he sat down, Alice really looked at him. Something was different but she couldn’t quite place it. An ease, a brightness, she didn’t know what really to call it. “How did this morning go with Ivan?” she asked cautiously.
“Surprisingly well, I think,” JC concentrated on making fine lines to create the horse’s mane. “I’ll tell you after the video.”
Alice eyed JC as she found his YouTube app and pulled it up. Something didn’t feel right but she didn’t know how to express that. In the meanwhile as she tried to figure it out, she typed in “Nsync interview” and skimmed through the results. She wanted a short clip, something not too iconic so he wouldn’t feel upset if he couldn’t remember.
After a few moments, Alice placed the phone in front of them as an image of the five band members sitting on a bed filled the screen. “Ok, I kind of remember this,” JC said. “I have no idea why we were all on the bed though. Chris fucks with the camera guy, right?”
“See, you remember stuff,” Alice smiled as she hit play. JC stared as his much younger self stared back at him. He could tell young JC was tired from the way he was talking; they all looked it. They were at their peak at this time and they didn’t even know it. It was bittersweet to know what was coming in hindsight and he wished he could go back and warn them all so they could have handled it better.
“Why am I the one talking through all of this?” JC laughed, trying to remember. Something about Justin in a bad mood dinged his brain and watching Justin’s silent reactions through the short clip, he reasoned that was probably the case. The version of himself on the screen made a joke about hating the other members and JC was positive a behind the scenes fight had definitely occurred even if he couldn’t remember it anymore.
JC laughed as Chris broke the tension, as he always did, by taunting the camera man and leaping off the bed. They all chuckled at his antics, except Justin. What he was sure was some big drama at the time was gone from his memory. Onscreen, Joey leaned into JC as the interviewer spoke to the camera, whispering something in JC’s ear that made him let out a loud short laugh. JC watched and pressed his lips together, realizing the good memories were lost somewhere in the ether with the bad.
Then the customary singing came. He hated being put on the spot, always worried it wouldn’t sound right but never given enough time to even finish the thought before lyrics left his mouth. He felt like a show pony at times and that’s why he wouldn’t sing anymore when people requested it. He understood they were well meaning but he was more than his voice.
The band sang effortlessly and JC had to marvel at how easily they could do it back then. They were doing this daily so of course it was natural, the notes and breaths ingrained in their bodies. While it looked impressive and JC had to admit it was, he could see they were all bored. They’d been performing the same songs for the better part of the year and he recognized the controlled antsiness in them all to do something new. That was probably what the fight had been about.
After a particularly half hearted reprise of “Danke Schoen”, it was over and JC was sure they’d been ushered off to the next event, doubting a one of them had ever gotten to actually sleep in that bed. “Wow, that is so surreal to watch,” JC shook his head, still taking the time warp in.
“Is that good or bad?” Alice questioned.
“It’s…odd. I led this incredible life and there’s so much of it I don’t even remember. It truly feels like a life time ago but I…I think I did it to myself. A lot of bad shit happened after the band broke up and I took it to heart. I pushed those bad memories down deep and it seems I lost a lot of the good ones as well.”
“You just said it yourself, they’re buried JC, not gone. You can find them again if you want to.”
“I do, I just…don’t know if I’m ready yet.”
“You’ll know when you are. Definitely seems like you are getting there,” Alice rubbed his shoulder and handed him back his phone. “So, what the hell happened with Ivan?”
JC chuckled at Alice’s persistence. “I don’t really know how to describe it. I think he exorcised a demon.”
“Well something is definitely different about you.”
“Is it a good thing?” JC peaked up from his intricate painting.
“You seem like, I don’t know, like the JC I always thought I’d meet,” Alice tried to explain.
JC put his brush down at that. “So, the old me?”
“Well, I can’t say that cuz I never actually knew the old you but maybe, I guess? You just have a spring in your step or something today.”
“We did this exercise where he unblocked my voice or something and, maybe I’m high but it actually feels like he did just that. It’s just, easier to talk.”
Alice stared wide eyed at JC. She didn’t know what to make of what he was saying but she couldn’t deny the change in his demeanor. She’d see how he was the next morning if the euphoria had worn off before she passed judgement, however she was happy to see him sitting just a bit taller than she’d witnessed the past few days. “Well, this does make me feel better about meeting with Vivienne after dinner.”
“Do you think there’s actually something to all this?” JC questioned.
“It wouldn’t be this exclusive and expensive retreat if there wasn’t,” Alice stated. “I don’t know what it is but a week being able to put your worries on hold so you can really root into them all while unwinding and getting some much needed rest? That alone does some good. I think it’s how we handle things when we get back to reality that’ll be the difference.”
“I’ve got a lot of things I need to get out and I feel like, for the first time in a long time, I can do that. How does that happen? Why is my perspective changing all of a sudden?”
“Because it’s not sudden, JC. It’s been building inside you for so long and now you are able to express it. You’ve wanted this.”
“Why now though?”
“Maybe you were finally ready. Maybe whatever holistic healing that we don’t understand actually worked. Maybe you’re really a pod person now, I don’t know,” Alice shrugged.
JC turned his head toward Alice, purposely keeping his features blank. He tilted his head just slightly as he addressed her. “No one is supposed to know about that, Alice.”
“That is not even a little bit funny,” she scolded him.
“Don’t be afraid, Alice,” JC sat up rigidly. “Join us.”
“Oh fuck you,” Alice leapt up and backed away, nervous laughter emitting from her lips.
JC stood up and took one step before Alice screamed and sprinted across the room, the few people inside turning to see the commotion. JC couldn’t keep up the act anymore as he broke down in laughter. “No more late night movies for you,” he shouted to her when he could finally form words.
“Joshua Scott Chasez, you are an absolute jackass,” she crept back cautiously. “You also need to get back into acting.”
“Nah nah nah, my acting days are behind me I think, at least professionally. Good to know my freelance work still holds up,” he tried to reign himself back in. “Sorry, I really didn’t think I’d scare you that much.”
“Irrational fear, I know but I grew up on all those 80s creature features so, yeah, too damn good a job for my liking”. Alice grabbed his abandoned paint brush off the table and booped him on the nose, a streak of brown paint left behind.
JC twitched his nose as his eyes twinkled with mischief. “Oh, is this how you want to do this?” he egged her on.
“You started it!” she protested but held her ground. JC went back to the table and grabbed a tube of soft pink paint. He squeezed a dab onto his finger tip then smeared the paint down Alice’s chin.
“I think you wear it better than I did,” JC quipped.
Alice found a mirror at the back of the room and chuckled. “I can’t even imagine the maintenance that went into that fuzzy caterpillar that lived on your face for months.”
“Well, back then we had hair and makeup people who did all the labor for us so it wasn’t so bad,” JC stated, still amazed there was a time in his life when someone was paid literally to shave his face. “Mine wasn’t pink however.”
“You’ve more than made up for it with all the pink you’ve rocked over the years. It looks good on you.”
“Looks good on you too,” JC smiled as he circled his arms around her waist from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder.
“Does it look like a I own a fucking thing in pink?” Alice laughed.
“Well you should more,” JC kissed her cheek.
“You are very touchy feely today,” Alice noted. “You are probably high.”
“Definitely a possibility. I don’t know, I just…in a few days, I won’t be able to physically be with you again for God knows how long so I’m enjoying it while I can.”
“Well, there’s enough of me that you can take some home with you.” JC stuck his tongue out at their reflection and pinched Alice’s side in response. “I think it’s starting to show how much you miss your girlfriend.”
“I do miss Jen but she’s not you.”
Alice turned around in JC’s arms to face him. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means exactly what it sounds like,” JC loosened his grip. “You aren’t her nor is she you. You’re…you’ve become very special to me, Alice. I want you to know that.”
His eyes were sincere and it almost made Alice uncomfortable. She had a mixture of pride at JC being able to express himself and shock at what he was actually saying. “Everything is intense here, JC. You’ll get home and forget about me soon enough.”
“Never,” JC promised. “I’ve somehow forgotten so many parts of my life but I will never forget you.”
“Uh, well, that’s…” Alice stammered, trying to rationalize that what was playing out in front of her was too close to many of her fantasies about him. “Thank you. That is incredibly sweet.”
“You don’t believe me,” he called her out much the same she had to him on one of their first walks.
“Just need time to process,” she wriggled her way out of a real answer. “You have a horse that still needs painting.”
“Fair enough,” JC let go. “Are you done with your journal?” he asked as they made their way back to the table once more.
“Just about. Then I can torture you with more YouTube clips.”
“I don’t know if I can deal with much more of our old stupidity,” JC joked but handed his phone back nonetheless as he sat down.
“Don’t worry, I know exactly what clip to show you this time,” Alice smirked as she searched and finally clicked on the video she was looking for.
“Oh my God!” JC howled, “the internet really doesn’t let anything die.” JC was in disbelief as he stared at an even younger version of himself dressed up like a vampire on the Mickey Mouse Club.
“You wanted to pretend to be a scary creature, get forced to watch when you actually were one,” Alice said triumphantly.
“The only thing scary about this is my acting,” he continued to laugh. “I have no idea why I’m doing the absolute worst Rodney Dangerfield impression in this! I do remember getting that makeup off was terrible though.”
“I was so mad you were only in two skits until I realized you were the mummy dancing in Thriller.”
“Holy shit, I was a mummy?!” JC laughed again as he grabbed the phone and fast forwarded the video. There he was, dancing up a storm in the back. “I don’t think I would have realized that was me if you hadn’t told me.”
“You’ve lived an extraordinary life, JC. Stopping running from it and embrace it,” Alice squeezed his hand. JC looked up from the phone and saw Alice smiling at him, a warmth and truth in her eyes he didn’t realize he craved until that moment. He silently vowed to start doing just that.
