Alice blinked, then blinked again. She shut her eyes, convinced they were playing tricks on her, only to reopen them and find the same face peering back at her, though slightly more confused. 

“Nope,” Alice finally stated, then turned abruptly and walked briskly out of the circle. Her gait quickly turned to a jog before breaking into a full blown run. Alice had no idea her body could even do this anymore, let alone a clue as to where she was going. She ran as far as her legs would carry her, finally dropping to the ground beside what she could make out as a small lake as the moonlight reflected off of it.

The food had been drugged, she’d finally cracked and lost her mind, the plane had crashed somewhere over Tulsa; there had to be some logical explanation as to why JC Chasez had been standing across from her when she turned. Even God couldn’t be this cruel after everything she had been through.

JC. Just because she couldn’t see his eyes that well due to his glasses didn’t mean she wouldn’t recognize him in a heartbeat, know the sound of his voice as it wiggled into all her nerve endings. He was the representation of hope and comfort on many an unbearable night but he wasn’t real. It didn’t work like that.

Alice sensed searching lights and didn’t even attempt to move, too mentally and physically worn out. If she’d had the strength to laugh she would have as it felt like she was being caught attempting a prison break.

A beam of light found her body and closed in as Alice wondered if playing unconscious was an option. It had worked for her before.

“Ms. McCann, are you alright?” Ivan ran up to her.

“Clearly, I am not,” Alice stated matter of factly, unable to keep up any pretenses.

Ivan sat down in the grass next to her and shone the flash light toward the sky. “Why did you run, Alice?”

“Because…” Alice began but, in truth, really didn’t have an articulate answer. “Just was my natural reaction,” she copped out, even if it was partly true.

“Why?” Ivan pressed.

“Do you know who he is?” Alice questioned.

“I do.”

“Yeah, well I do too. I’m huge fan of his, giant. I can’t…I’m not here to confront my feelings for some celebrity I have a crush on. I have real shit going on I need to focus on.”

“Which is exactly why the two of you were paired together.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Alice said in disbelief. “This…this was intentional? What did you do, fly him in for the week so I could manifest the conversations in my head to the real person?”

“Mr. Chasez is here as a guest as well. You mentioned on your questionnaire that you found joy in listening to *NSYNC songs.”

Alice remembered filling out the forms and the question “What brings you joy?” She’d thought it innocent enough to include a shout out to her favorite band in her short list of things. How could she have ever known…? “Seems unfair to him then, doesn’t it? He’s got shit to work on too, doesn’t need to hear the ramblings of a crazy old fan girl.”

“Maybe he does,” Ivan stated with a knowing smile and stood up, extending his hand to help Alice to her feet. Alice looked up in complete confusion but accepted Ivan’s offer and straightened out her clothes. Maybe the plane had flown through a black hole and she was in The Twilight Zone?

Alice reluctantly let Ivan lead her back, mostly because she wasn’t really sure what other option she had. That had been her life for over a decade; doing what she was told to do whether she liked it or not. Alice was used to the defeated feeling by this point.

“Why don’t you wait right here?” Ivan suggested as he gestured to a bench along a path leading back to the circle. Alice plopped down, feeling like a kid being sent to the principal’s office. Did they really expect her to bare her soul to a man she had a “history” with? She’d been apprehensive about it being a stranger but this seemed much worse.

She heard footsteps approaching and didn’t bother looking up, instinctively knowing it wouldn’t be Ivan coming towards her. “Hi,” came a soft voice. “Mind if I sit?” Alice scooted over but didn’t say a word. “Well, this is certainly going about as well as I expected,” he chuckled.

“I’m sorry, it’s not you. I mean, it is you actually but it’s not…” Alice stopped herself and forced a look. Yep, still JC Chasez. Alice was tired and really had wanted to give this week her all. She just wanted the awkwardness out of the way, at least on her end. “Look, can I just be honest with you about something?”

“Sure. That’s why we’re here, right?” JC shrugged.

Alice drew in a deep breath. “I like you, I mean, like, I have a crush on you…from way back, pre-*NSYNC, Mickey Mouse Club days. I met you once but I couldn’t…you were very nice, don’t worry.”

“Glad to hear,” JC gave a small smile. “That was a long time ago.”

“Yeah it was but…it’s stayed with me, it’s…” Alice stopped herself, not wanting to completely scare him off since they had to spend the week together. “I have a lot of feelings when it comes to you, which I know isn’t really fair to you since I don’t actually know you but I…I wasn’t expecting this conversation today, or ever. I’ve got a lot I’m trying to deal with and weird fan girl feelings aren’t on the agenda so, just, wanted to get it out of the way. I won’t bring it up again.”

“Thanks for telling me,” JC gave a soft smile then looked at his lap as he picked his nails. While he didn’t mind the idea of having someone familiar enough with who he was, a woman who ran from the sight of him because she had some innocent crush on him decades ago felt a bit overboard. He was trying his best to keep an open mind, however. “So, um, I never got your name.”

“Shit, sorry, it’s Alice,” she blushed.

“Nice to meet you,” he smiled back politely. Awkward silence hung between the two. “So, what brings you here?”

“My husband died,” Alice said simply. It was always the easiest answer that stopped too many follow up questions from happening.

“Oh! Shit, I’m so sorry,” JC expressed in surprise. When she said she had a lot she was dealing with, she wasn’t kidding, JC thought. His first concerning thoughts about her started to fade as he knew grief could come out in all sorts of unexpected ways. “Recent, I take it?”

“Six or seven months ago,” she glossed over. In truth, she knew exactly how long. Six months, nineteen days and based on what time she imagined it currently was, two hours. “How about you?”

“Well, it kind of sounds stupid now, considering…” JC vaguely gestured. “I’ve been in a funk, I guess. I don’t really know how to describe it. Just not motivated to do, like, anything. Been feeling…lost, I guess.”

“That why you said you wanted to find yourself again?”

“Yeah, basically. I’ve been in creative slumps before but this…it’s like a life slump. I keep waking up every day and wondering “What’s the point?””.

Alice straightened herself up, instantly on alert at how JC was talking. “You didn’t try to…?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” JC picked up on her question and quickly shut it down. “I’m just…I’m not living life anymore, I’m just slowly shuffling day to day. It’s taking a toll and I just…need some help finding my way again.”

“Well, I’m sure the archery classes will be a huge asset then,” Alice chuckled.

“I mean, they would point me in the right direction,” JC enthused, which made Alice groan but smile at the terrible pun, breaking a bit more of the tension between them. “You, uh, you said you wanted to be the kind of woman you were meant to be. What, I mean, I get in theory what that means but, I guess, what does that mean to you?”

Alice exhaled slowly, not wanting to lay everything out from the start and have him think she was crazier than he probably already did. “I…I put a lot into being a good wife that I stopped being me so long ago and I just don’t know who I am anymore. I’m trying to figure that out so I can, you know, function better but more importantly so I can finally be a good mother to my son.”

“I’m sure you're a great mom,” JC smiled at her. Alice fought hard not to explain to JC why that was very much not the case. “How old is he?”

“A hard eleven, going on thirty seven,” Alice told him. “He’s a really good kid, just, too grown up. I want him to have more time to just play and have fun before life gets any harder.”

“Kids always want to grow up sooner than they should, thinking how much freedom they’ll have,” JC thought back to that time in his life, begging his parents to let him go on an unchaperoned date with a girl to no avail.

Alice remained silent on the matter, not wanting to correct JC on his assumption. “So, what exactly are we supposed to do now?”

“Um, I’m not sure,” he said, looking back at the circle to see people still engaged in conversation. “I guess we’re still supposed to be getting to know one another.” Alice shifted awkwardly and JC searched his brain for an ice breaker. “What was your worst date ever?”

“What?” Alice laughed in surprise at the question.

“Come on, we all have one,” JC nudged.

Alice tried to think back to dating before she met her husband. She hadn’t really dated much so her stories were pretty limited but she did finally hit on one. “Ok, I’m dating myself here but I met a boy while I was doing a volunteer project in high school and he took me to see Scream.”

“Like the old horror movie?”

“Yes, like the old horror movie. Don’t act like I’m ancient when you are older than me,” she teased him. “Anyway, the guy was super into scary movies and he talked through the whole thing, pointing out various clues and guessing who the killer was going to be.”

“Damn, that’s annoying but I’d say you got off pretty easy as far as worst dates go.”

“Oh, that’s not even the worst part. Once the movie was over and we went back to our cars, he expressed his delight at how the date had gone not by kissing me but by howling at the moon.”

“You have got to be kidding me?!” JC guffawed. 

“Sadly, I am not. I just stood there so confused. I mean, I couldn’t afford to be picky but even I was not going out with this dude again.”

“Like, he howled, like a wolf?”

“Oh yeah, a full on “Ow ow ohhhhh!””, Alice demonstrated as JC laughed heartily. “How about you?”

“So, I don’t know, late 2000s, I met up with this friend of a friend for drinks. Beautiful, charming, seemed normal, so we went out on an actual date like a week later. I pick a bit of a swanky place and she imbibes a bit, no big deal, except she all of a sudden starts speaking to me in a baby voice. You know, like, “I just think you are the cutest wootest thing ever!””, JC demonstrates.

“Wow, that is not a move I’ve seen before,” Alice chuckles.

“And, ok, fine, she was drinking, maybe she was nervous. I let it slide but then my chicken breast comes out and, unprompted, she reaches over and cuts it for me.”

“That’s…strange, to say the least.”

“Yeah, I mean, probably a nice girl but it just weirded me out too much.”

“Dating is the fucking worst.”

“Yeah…” JC lamented. “Are you, um, I’m sure it’s too soon but…”

“I’m not sure when I’ll be ready,” Alice confessed. “Fourteen years with the same guy makes you a little rusty.” And untrusting.

“Fourteen…wow. That’s impressive. The longest relationship I’ve had has been six and it hasn’t been easy.”

“They never are. It’s the lie we tell ourselves at the beginning because everyone is still on their best behavior.”

“That’s definitely true. I’ve never been one for long term relationships, two years tops, but Jen, my girlfriend…she’s worth doing the hard stuff for.”

“Is she really why you’re here?”

“I guess, in part. I haven’t been a good partner to her in a while. She’s amazing and deserves better than what I’m giving her presently. We’ve been doing the couple’s therapy thing and…we just need some time apart right now.”

“Oh,” Alice expressed, surprised by that revelation. “Well, I hope this retreat gives you…something that you're looking for. No disrespect but you gotta do what’s best for you. Try not to worry about Jen for this week and make yourself the priority.” Alice almost had to laugh; she’d heard that same advice a zillion times over the years and never took it herself.

“Yeah, I will, I promise,” JC said with a frown. He knew Alice was right but he had no idea where to even start. Nothing was wrong, per say, but nothing was right either. Everything was just “fine” and while some people may have enjoyed the stability of that, it made JC lackluster about everything. Food was blander, the sun was duller, the notes didn’t sound as crisp. He didn’t know what it was and didn’t expect a magic cure to come about from this week but was hoping for some guidance.

“Josh, Alice, how are we doing?” Ivan came back over to check on them.

“Haven’t taken off like a mad woman again so I’d say we’re getting there,” Alice gave an embarrassed look.

“Well, that’s great to hear,” Ivan gave a warm smile. “We’re wrapping up for the evening and we want to make sure you get plenty of rest before you truly begin your journey tomorrow.”

“Oh, it’s definitely already been a journey,” Alice replied as she stood, JC quickly behind her. “Ready to do this all over again tomorrow?” she turned to JC.

“I’m not real good with wind sprints anymore but I’ll do my best to keep up,” he smiled back at her.

The two joined the other guests as they headed back towards their rooms. “Well, this is me,” Alice said as she stopped in front of her door, unsure if she was sad to leave JC for the evening or relieved.

“Really?” JC’s lips curled into a smile as he took literally two steps further and opened the door next to hers.

“Well, that’s…convenient,” Alice gulped.

“Goodnight, Alice. I’ll see you in the morning,” JC smiled and entered his room.

Alice did the same and let the door close with a thud, leaning against it wide eyed. Had that really just happened? Was JC Chasez really at the same retreat as her, really supposed to be her confidante for the next week, really just on the other side of the wall?!

He’d been shockingly easy to talk to once Alice got past her nerves. She cursed at her seventeen year old self for not having taken the opportunity when she had it so many years ago. Maybe if she had, things would have been different. It was a question she often asked herself but now that she knew she really could talk to him, the plague of “what if” really started to set in.

Alice peeled herself off the door and began to get ready for bed. She wondered if JC was doing the same then stopped mid tooth brush stroke and looked at the wall they shared. He might be naked and only ten feet away.

After spitting out the toothpaste, Alice couldn’t help herself as she pressed the palm of her hand against the wall. Everything she ever wanted was right through there. JC represented how good life could have been had she made better choices. The logical part of her knew there was no way they would have ended up together for so many reasons but talking to him…it felt like a missed opportunity more than ever.

Alice reluctantly took herself to bed and tried to shake herself of her feelings. There was no tv but she still had her cell phone and WiFi. She sent a quick “I love you” text to Patrick then grabbed one of the books provided by the resort on her night table. “The House On Sunset,” sat atop the small pile. As Alice read the synopsis on the back cover, it became rapidly clear these books were curated to her specifically. Alice sighed and laid the book in her lap. Hard work, right? 

Her one safe place had been inadvertently taken from her. When nights were hard, like so many were, she could rest in the invisible arms of the man one room away and have him remind her she was strong enough to make it to the next day. It had been her little secret since she was a teenager but as she began to need the escape from reality more and more over the years, she became reliant on the imaginary man she created out of the real life human who had his own set of problems.

Now the two had to collide and she didn’t like it. She gave up long ago on ever seeing JC again and now she had to reconcile the fantasy with the reality. She knew he wouldn’t always say the right thing because he wasn’t literally in her head like fake JC was and it was a challenge she hadn't planned on tackling this trip. Why couldn’t she have had the crush on Justin? No way he’d share his burdens with strangers, too much liability.

Alice breathed and picked back up the book, giving a last glance at the opposite wall, before turning to the opening chapter. Everything else in life was slowly burning to the ground, why not her quiet and safe delusions about a man and a life that were always going to be beyond her reach as well. She had to start dealing with some hard truths so this was inevitable, she supposed, as she nestled in for the night.