Alice had tried sushi all of twice prior to tonight. Once was a shrimp roll in college at a Japanese steakhouse so the seafood had been cooked. The other was on an odd whim during a regular grocery trip to Publix, wanting to be adventurous and try something new. Her stomach later revolted against that decision and Donny had made sure she paid for it days after as well.

“Try the rainbow roll, it has a little bit of everything,” JC put a piece from the serving dish onto her plate. “Do you know how to use chopsticks?”

“I’m not completely uncultured,” she teased him as she eyeballed the sushi. “This might be too advanced for me though.”

JC grabbed a few more pieces and set them down before her. “Here, now you have a piece with each of the ingredients separate,” he showed her, pointing out which piece was salmon and tuna and so forth. “Try each one and if you like them, then the rainbow roll should be safe.”

“Money really can buy you culture,” she chuckled before eating the California roll JC had put down, figuring that to be the safest bet based on the description.

“Money has nothing to do with it,” JC informed her. “My favorite sushi joint is this hole in the wall place that doesn’t even have a website. You can get a whole omakase for like $80.”

“JC, you do realize $80 for a meal for one person is kinda pricey, right?”

“I mean…” JC bit his lip. “Perhaps I have been living in LA too long. I guess, for an assortment of fresh fish, I think it’s pretty reasonable. Most restaurants start at $200 for the exact same thing.”

“Ok, I get where you are coming from,” Alice shrugged. “I like steak but I’m not eating filet mignon. I guess it’s just about what you consider a fair price to pay.”

“I knew you’d find a way to bring up steak again,” JC smiled.

As dinner drew to a conclusion, Vivienne made her way over to Alice. “I hope you’ve enjoyed the food, my dear. We have a lot to do this evening so when you are ready, please meet me at the entrance to the labyrinth walk.”

“Sure, no problem,” Alice agreed a little apprehensively. Once Vivienne was out of ear shot, she turned towards JC. “Ok, did it or did it not sound like she might sacrifice me?”

“Oh my God, stop it!” JC scolded her but couldn’t contain the laugh. “You gotta quit thinking everything is a conspiracy theory to do something bad to us.”

“Yeah, and weren’t you the one almost drowning yourself for answers just this morning?” she looked pointedly at him. “Seems your view has changed ever since talking to Ivan. Coincidence? I think not.”

A smile crossed JC’s face as he looked at Alice. “Just go and try to be open minded, Alice.”

“I will, I promise,” she smiled warmly back, dropping the pretense and giving him a tight hug before heading off.

Alice thought more and more about JC’s behavior as she walked to meet Vivienne. She wasn’t naïve enough to actually believe there were demons or aliens or something of that supernatural sort at work here. The change in JC was notable, however, and she still didn’t know what to make of it. Something had happened, something that seemed to be good, but that kind of magic transformation didn’t actually happen in real life.

Vivienne appeared in her vision, having changed from dinner. She sported a gorgeous bright yellow robe, even from a distance clearly showing it was made of expensive silk by the way the setting sun reflected off of it. “Namaste,” Vivienne greeted her with a deep bow at the waist.

“Uh, Namaste,” Alice quickly returned the greeting, taking a look at their surroundings. It was calm, too calm.

“I suppose you have some questions as to what we are doing here,” Vivienne addressed her.

“You can say that again,” Alice mumbled under her breath. “Uh, yeah,” she managed to say out loud. She felt on edge, wondering what was about to happen.

“As I mentioned, you have a shadow on your manipura. The fact it’s not darker is a testament to the strength you hold inside of you. This is a critical time, however, so we must take the necessary steps to banish it.”

“Yeah, can you maybe say that again but in English?” Alice raised an eyebrow. 

Vivienne smiled like a mother amused at her child for asking such an inquisitive question. “You feel shame, Alice, and it shows,” she told her gently but bluntly. “You are ashamed of the things in your life that led you here and you need to start seeing them as a gift.”

“A gift?!” Alice scoffed. “If you think years of abuse is a fucking gift, we can end this conversation right now.”

“I am definitely not saying that,” Vivienne stated firmly. “What I want to help you do is take those negative experiences and turn them into something positive.”

“Everyone keeps saying that,” Alice decried, “and, like, I get what they are trying to say but I can’t rationalize the good in killing my husband. He was a bad guy, I know that, I do. I know I was protecting my son and myself; I know the facts. That doesn’t make what I did ok. He deserved to go to jail but not to die. Fuck, I deserved to go to jail, not to be whisked off to a luxury resort as a reward.”

“It’s not a reward for killing him, it’s a well deserved break for surviving everything you’ve endured.”

“Everything I endured I brought upon myself. I let it happen, time and time again. I didn’t stand up for myself and the few times I did, I knew what would happen. Of course I’m ashamed!”

“You’re talking about it now though. That’s why your shadow is receding. You are learning to accept what has happened and learn from it.”

“You wanna talk in this mumbo jumbo, fine. I get it, my “shadow” is my husband and with him gone, I can finally talk about what happened without fear and live the life I always wanted, right? Wrong. Cuz I can’t pack up and restart my life. I can’t avoid the people who look at me and judge me everywhere I go. I don’t ever get to live a normal life now.”

Vivienne eyed Alice. “Perhaps I was wrong. Your manipura is certainly strong.”

“What the hell does manipura mean anyway?”

“Technically it translates to “lustrous gem of the city” but in this case it’s referring to your navel chakra; your core, your center. You ever hear the term “belly fire” when someone is passionate about something? Same concept and you certainly have belly fire. It comes in spurts though, we need to keep it burning steady.”

“So you gotta clean out the flue of my internal furnace is what you’re saying?”

“Yes, that’s what I’m saying,” Vivienne gave a short laugh.

“Ok, but can you answer me one thing first?” Vivienne nodded her agreement. “Why am I here? No, not the “healing and growing opportunity” bullshit. How am I here for free among millionaires paying ten thousand dollars for the privilege?”

Vivienne made a deep sigh, almost as if she were proud of Alice for asking the question. “It takes a lot of money to run this place though maybe not quite as much as I charge. Money is reserved so that people who have had similar experiences to yourself have an opportunity that would not normally be afforded to them.”

“Charity for the battered and broken,” Alice quipped.

“We work with a vast amount of therapists, social workers and health care professionals across the country and anyone they feel will benefit from the experience is given the ability to apply. I personally review each application and select those I think will find the experience most meaningful and transformative.”

“Why me then?”

“Because it was clear you are trying. You didn’t let that man break you. You are so much stronger than you realize and if this experience can help you learn to see that, then I am more than happy to provide it.”

“Just because I found some strength at the end doesn’t make me strong. I’m really sick of people telling me that,” Alice looked down.

“Strength comes in many different ways. You may think enduring the years of abuse was a sign of weakness but I hope you will see them as methods of survival.”

“I should have left, that would have been the real strength,” Alice muttered.

“You know why you didn’t,” Vivienne gently prodded. “You wanted everyone to think you had a great life, just like they had. You opted to suffer in silence to keep up appearances because you so desperately wanted to be like everyone else.”

Alice’s breath caught in her throat and she put her hands over her eyes in a vain attempt to stop her tears but to no avail. Her body shook as she let the weight of it all collapse onto her again, a truth she knew in her heart that she didn’t want to admit. She barely noticed when Vivienne wrapped her arms around her.

“I know, my dear,” Vivienne spoke softly. “Your husband is only a part of that shadow, the rest you put there the moment you first felt less than someone else. We combat shame and help banish our shadow by learning self-acceptance. You’ve been trying to play catch up for far too long and it’s time to learn you are in the perfect place in life for you at this moment. No one’s life is as perfect as it appears to be. Not yours, not mine; no one’s.”

“Your life seems pretty fucking perfect to me,” Alice shot out through her sobs.

“It’s good but it’s not perfect,” Vivienne told her, “and it took a lot of work to get to good. We’ll get you there too, I promise.”

“How?” Alice nearly wailed, using all the strength she had to keep herself on her feet. “I’m over forty with a dead husband, a house in bad shape, no friends, no savings, no prospects for the future…I just, exist. If it wasn’t for Patrick, I wouldn’t even be doing that. I’m just so…tired.”

Vivienne soothed down Alice’s hair and let her weep. “I’m not going to give you the adages about counting your blessings or reminding you there are people far worse off in this life. These are dismissive statements of your pain and your pain is valid. Your feelings are valid and they need to be felt and expressed to be worked through. I know it’s been hard but let’s try to make it a bit better.”

Alice could only nod as she worked to wipe her face with her sleeve, trying to compose herself. “I still don’t understand why you’re doing this. Helping me and all.”

“Let’s just say I know what it’s like to deal with a lot of heartache for the sake of your child and the ideals society has told you are more important than your own safety and happiness,” Vivienne gave Alice a sympathetic smile. Alice wanted to ask exactly what Vivienne meant but it dawned on her that she certainly hadn’t heard mention of a husband at all or of Ivan’s father. While she doubted the same fate had befallen him as did Donny, an understanding was quickly shared between the women.