Day 6

The chimes of JC’s alarm went off far too early for Alice’s liking. She hadn’t slept well, her body too tense to even move as JC gently snored away next to her. She was glad he was able to rest and didn’t want to do anything to disturb him, which put her on edge the whole night.

Before Alice could figure out how to turn off the alarm, JC’s arm came barreling over her to reach his phone. Eyes still closed, he grabbed it and expertly canceled the alarm before dropping it back on the table. It was clear he had done this move many times before.

Alice started to stretch to get up but JC’s arm squeezed her body as he scooted closer to her. He let out a contented sigh as he placed a few gentle kisses on her neck, his leg crossing over her own to keep her close. His semi hard cock pressed into her thigh.

“Fuck fuck fuck!” Alice’s brain screamed silently. She wanted to enjoy it; she’d dreamed of it more often than she would ever admit, but she knew his sleepy mind thought someone else was in the bed. “JC, wake up,” she coaxed him gently.

“I missed you,” he murmured, his lips moving to Alice’s shoulder.

Alice was oh so tempted to let him keep pretending, wanting to give him just a few more moments of happiness before the reality of his current situation enveloped him again. His hand found the hemp of her pajama top, skirting under and up her stomach to her breast.

“JC!” she said with more force, her hand grabbing his wrist. “Honey, I’m sorry but…you have to wake up.”

JC lifted his heavy eyelids reluctantly, his smile turning to confusion as he remembered he wasn’t home. “Oh shit, Alice,” he moved back, rubbing his eyes and feeling like he had a hangover without the headache. “Sorry, I…I guess I thought…”

“It’s ok, I stopped you before I would have had to file any charges,” she tried to joke as she slipped out of the bed and headed to the bathroom.

JC tried to get his head straight, starting to remember why Alice was there and all that had transpired the previous night. Thinking further back to everything that had even happened during the day was already starting to feel overwhelming and JC opted to let his body and mind heal a bit more as he gave into sleep once again.

After a few long and deep breaths to compose herself, Alice headed back in to find JC turned away from her side and sleeping soundly once again. She sat on the bench at the end of the bed and watched him for a moment. Strands of grey hair fell over his face and his t shirt had ridden up to show the tiniest sliver of skin of his back before the duvet covered the rest of him. Alice still was in awe that JC was everything she imagined yet nothing how she pictured.

“JC, sweetie, time to get up,” she found his covered foot and shook it slightly. JC responded with a grunt and pulled his leg up and out of reach. Alice skewed her mouth, debating. It had been a long day yesterday and frankly they both could use the rest but she didn’t want JC to get back into bad habits of wallowing around.

Alice climbed back into bed and rubbed JC’s back lightly, thinking, admiring, wishing.

JC was somewhere between awake and asleep when he heard a hitch in Alice’s breathing. He rolled over to face her and caught sight of her wiping away a tear as he opened his eyes. “What’s wrong?” he asked softly, his hand running over her forearm.

“Nothing, just…processing. Lots of feelings,” Alice told him. He made a scrutinizing face at her and she gave a small chuckle. “It’s too early for this kind of discussion.”

“Never too early for you,” he reassured her.

“I’ll remember that statement when I call you at 7am my time,” she joked. 

“You’re stalling,” JC said pointedly.

“JC, I’m fine, it’s fine,” she tried once again to brush it off. “I’m just…in my head about some stuff.”

“Then get it out of your head.”

“The irony of you giving this advice is not lost on me.”

“Noted,” JC gave a lazy grin. “Come on, snuggle back in and talk to me.”

“That’s just it…” Alice’s voice trailed off as she looked away.

“Oh,” JC let go of her arm. “I guess I got a little too comfortable this morning.”

“No, you were…I mean, well, yeah, it was…” Alice stammered and then huffed. “It’s complicated but you didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just, trying to deal with some mixed emotions is all.”

“About me?”

“Uh, yeah, kinda,” Alice was actually a bit surprised by his bluntness.

“Alice, I’m sorry if I’ve crossed a line…”

“No, JC, you…” Alice let out a long sigh, too tired to keep running in circles, knowing JC wasn’t going to let it go. “Donny wasn’t a very affectionate guy; yet another early red flag I chose to ignore,” Alice rolled her eyes. “We didn’t really cuddle or hold hands or anything like that. So, the way you are with me…it’s everything I ever wanted. It feels good.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“It feels too good,” Alice confessed. “I’m scared to let myself fully enjoy it.”

“Why?” JC genuinely asked.

“Because…I go home in two days to an empty bed.”

“And I go back home to Jen.”

“Exactly, except not…” Alice tried to think of what she wanted to divulge but realized she was too far in at this point to tell anything but the truth. “It would be crazy enough if I had this instant of a connection with anyone but it being you…I keep reminding myself how truly weird and special that is.”

“Last night didn’t remind you I’m not this magical pop star but a deeply flawed guy?”

“Flawed, yes, but not deeply. I’ll give you former pop star but magical? Yeah JC, you’re pretty fucking magical,” Alice blushed.

“I’m just a guy,” JC insisted.

“You’re the guy I’ve dreamed about in my bed for a long time, the guy who I could let my guard down around and would keep me safe. You’ll never be just a guy to me.” Alice breathed, scared but almost a little relieved she had said it. They’d talked about her feelings that first movie night but so much had changed from just five days ago. Those feelings had only gotten stronger.

JC blinked, unsure of what to say. That unblocked voice was now yelling at him to confess he was having feelings for her too but what good was it to tell her if they couldn’t act on it? It felt like adding salt to the wound. “Technically this is my bed,” JC smiled.

Alice audibly sighed and JC chuckled. “Speaking of bed, we need to get up,” Alice told him once more.

“Let’s stay,” JC touched her arm again.

“You hard of hearing or is your short term memory bad?”

“I heard you, Alice,” JC looked her in the eyes. He was about to butt up to that line once again. “You know the old saying “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”?”

“What’s it mean when you never had the love part but just the loss?” Alice questioned and JC shot her a look. “Yeah, I know it,” she confirmed.

“Then get back in the bed and let me cuddle you the way you always wanted.”

“What?!” Alice’s body reared back. “If I hadn’t slept here, I’d swear you were high again.”

“Alice, I’m serious,” JC sat up. “You just said us meeting is special so don’t…don’t leave here regretting anything, is what I’m saying.”

Alice stared at JC, trying to understand if what she was reading in between the lines was real or her imagination. “JC, you realize the cuddling I’ve imagined isn’t exactly G rated.”

“Well, just like last night, I’m hoping you’ll be asleep before the smutty part,” JC chuckled. Alice still looked wary. “If you really don’t want to, it’s fine but you were fine last night…”

“I wasn’t fine,” Alice interjected. “I wanted to be fine but I couldn’t…you ever wanted something for so long and then you finally get it and it’s just…it’s just too much? Like it’s too overwhelming to think the dream is reality?”

“Yeah, I know the feeling,” JC told her, remembering a variety of experiences he had had as *NSYNC was ascending the charts that still caused him pause to believe he had lived that life.

“Then you know it’s almost scary. Like, how is this possible? This whole week I’ve been wrestling with that on and off and last night, well, let’s just say my thoughts definitely didn’t let me enjoy the experience the way I had hoped.”

“Alice, I do understand but I promise you are making a bigger deal out of this then it has to be.”

“But it’s a big deal to me, JC. That’s my point.”

JC furrowed his brow and wiped at his eyes again. He didn’t want to push her but the whole thing seemed so silly to him to be arguing over. “Alice, it’s…” he reached over and tapped his phone, “5:42 am. You said it yourself; yesterday was a long day and you didn’t sleep great. You need to rest.”

“I can after our walk, it’s fine,” she deflected once again.

“Jesus Alice, are you actually missing the entire point of this retreat?” JC asked her, his own lack of sleep showing a bit in his voice. “You need to take care of yourself. You are tired, you need to sleep more. Our walks aren’t mandatory, they are for us to bond and talk. We can do that right here.”

Alice blinked a few hard times. The invitation was so tempting and she wanted to believe it could be innocent enough but she also felt one right move would have her falling for JC so hard she’d never recover. Her heart couldn’t bare it after everything she’d been though and yet…

“Alice,” JC brought her out of her thoughts, “what do you want? Be honest, don’t give me excuses or reasons not to; just tell me what you want in this moment.”

“I wanna get back in bed,” Alice confessed.

JC let out a sigh of relief and folded the covers back to let Alice underneath. She carefully resumed her former position but JC gently rolled her over to face him. “That’s better,” he smiled at her. “Now what?”

“What do you mean “now what?”?” Alice’s voice rose a touch. “We, ya know, sleep.”

“Nice try,” JC chuckled. “How do you imagine it? Like where am I?”

“This is insanity. This is absolute insanity,” Alice covered her face and shook her head. If she didn’t know JC as well as she did at this point, she’d swear he was making fun of her. “JC, we can’t…”

“Hey,” JC said softly. Alice cautiously lowered her hands. While the room was still relatively dark, she could see glints of JC’s soft blue eyes staring back at her. “We aren’t going to have sex, nothing close to sex, ok? Just…we’re both dealing with a lot and to be honest? I’m not ready to get up and face the day just yet. It felt…good to have you here with me last night. Comforting. Please, all I want to do is return the favor.”

Alice shut her eyes as JC pressed his lips to her forehead. Was he really just going to snuggle her the way she’d imagined all this time and not think it was completely weird? Not think it was sexual? How was he going to explain this to Jen when he got home?

She tried hard to push all her worries out of her mind as she turned away from JC again. JC grimaced until he felt Alice’s hand reach back and grab his wrist, tugging him to come closer. He obliged and tucked in behind her as she led his arm to drape across her waist. “I’m not sure where you put the other arm. I told you, I’m not actually used to all this.”

“I got you, Mama,” JC slid his arm under Alice’s pillow and nestled his head into the crook of her neck. Alice adjusted her body against his own until she was as comfortable as she was going to get. “You good?” JC asked after she appeared settled.

“Yeah,” she breathed, her body still tense with nerves.

“Honey, you gotta relax,” JC whispered.

“Yeah, kinda hard to do that,” Alice gave a nervous laugh.

“Let me help with that,” JC told her, the hand lightly touching her stomach starting to move in slow circles.

“That does feel nice,” Alice breathed and shut her eyes, allowing herself to enjoy the sensation.

JC continued for a few moments, just letting his fingertips play over her abdomen. He started to feel her body relax and wanted to keep up the distraction from her own thoughts. “You know, I used to cuddle Justin like this.”

“Shut up, you did not,” Alice giggled.

“It’s true. I mean, not all the time but a few. Joey is a great cuddler.”

“Seems like he’d be,” Alice smiled. “Do you miss being that close with the guys?”

“I do,” JC was able to say without hesitation. “Maybe not like that exactly. I mean, we’re grown men now…”

“You miss the innocence of that time,” Alice interjected.

“Yeah, something like that. I miss having friends I’m that close to.”

“They’re still your friends, JC.”

“I know, but not like they used to be,” JC’s voice let out the sadness he felt inside. “That’s why this…with you…I don’t know, maybe I’m projecting but I haven’t felt this close to someone who wasn’t Jen in ages. It feels…it feels really nice.”

“Physical comfort is important too, JC. It doesn’t have to be…” Alice let the sentence hang in the air as she stroked JC’s forearm, thinking how shut off she had been from just that for so long. Even Patrick was getting to that age of hating a simple hug from his mom. It was a different type of loneliness then she had before but a loneliness just the same.

“No, it doesn’t,” JC squeezed her a little tighter. Their hearts ached for the exact same thing and finding each other now was healing in a way neither of them could describe. JC’s hand ran over Alice’s stomach once more, trying to convince himself this actually was as innocent as he was making it out to be.

“Bet you didn’t do that to Justin,” Alice joked.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” JC smiled into her neck. “There was this one time…” JC started but stopped as he heard the tiniest of gasps. “Not like that!” he chastised Alice.

“Sorry, too easy a leap,” she couldn’t help but laugh.

“Do you want the story or not?” he teased.

“I’ll be good,” she promised and shut her eyes, ready for whatever secret tale JC was about to gift her.

“Justin’s always been…I don’t wanna say he had something to prove but he always wanted you to know he could hang with the big kids,” JC said, his mind instantly flashing back to the young boy who used to beg the Mickey Mouse Club producers to let him be in segments with the older teens cuz he knew he was just as good.

“It’s rare to see Justin be vulnerable, to let his guard down,” JC continued. “It usually comes out as anger or he channels into song.”

“Sounds like somebody else I know,” Alice patted his arm.

JC smirked but didn’t acknowledge the statement. “This one time, I honestly think he just got too high is what did it, but he just…we were rehearsing for the Celebrity tour and he came over real late one night, like 2am or something.”

“The stress of everything was getting to him at that time,” JC recalled. “The album had already been out for over half a year so it was a creative struggle to make the set list fresh with no new material. He was dealing with a breakup and constantly in the public eye. In hindsight, he was most likely struggling with the thoughts of doing his solo album and all that entailed as well. He was on the verge of a burn out.”

“I was asleep but he was pounding so loud on the door, I woke up,” JC let the memory play through his mind. “I don’t even remember what he said anymore but he just looked…he looked like an absolute wreck. So we sat on the couch and he eventually just broke down. Like sobbing, shaking, can’t breathe full meltdown.”

“I think we’re both familiar,” Alice said softly.

“I just held him and let him cry in my lap for like hours. He tried to leave once he was calmer but I wouldn’t let him. I got him settled in the guest room and went back to bed but he crawled in with me moments later. He was twenty one yet he was instantly the twelve year old boy I’d first met. That’s the closeness I miss. Knowing we could all come to each other at our worst and be embraced and not judged.”

“That’s a rare friendship to have but the best kind,” Alice mumbled.

“You ever have a friend like that?” JC asked.

“I do now,” Alice’s face held a faint smile as she finally drifted off to a restful sleep.

JC kissed her temple and shut his eyes, the memory of Justin now fresh in his mind. That was the trouble; that was but one example of how close they all used to be. It was ok to be vulnerable and now JC didn’t feel like he could be. Every conversation was defensive but as he lay there, he was beginning to wonder if it was him or them making it so. His conversation with Joey earlier in the week had gone fine. Maybe part of this unblocked voice meant being vulnerable and really having the conversations they all had been dancing around for years. He inhaled deeply and the smell of Alice’s skin filled his nostrils and fell back to sleep knowing the hardest conversation was going to be the one with himself.