Day 1

Alice didn’t mind the 5:30am wake up call because she was still on East Coast time so she was actually getting to sleep in. JC, on the other hand, was struggling. “Please tell me there is coffee,” he groaned as he met Alice in the lounge the next morning, his now signature pink beanie pulled down low over seemingly unbrushed hair.

“It’s a retreat, not a gulag,” she chuckled and pointed him towards the coffee station. JC made a beeline towards the hot beverage as Alice grabbed an orange and started peeling. There was definitely a mix of guests either excited for the first activity or wishing it could have started at a more reasonable hour.

“Namaste, everyone,” Vivienne appeared as if out of nowhere, this time sporting a light blue silk long top and matching pants. “We hope you have slept well and are both mentally and physically ready to begin your day. We start with an invigorating walk through our grounds. Each partnership will be assigned a different path each day to navigate and explore not only the landscape, but yourselves.”

“We have to do this every morning?” JC moved up to Alice’s right as he shoved a mini muffin in his mouth.

“Did you not read the schedule?” Alice whispered back.

“I thought it was just for today,” JC confessed. Alice could only shake her head with a small smile.

“Along the route, you will encounter a series of questions posted to help guide you gently toward your intention. These questions are meant to be thought provoking and we ask you to be open and honest not only with your partner but with yourself with your answers. These walks should take you about an hour and breakfast will be waiting in your room upon your return.” With that, Vivienne gracefully exited.

“How are we doing this morning, Alice?” Ivan approached her with a smile.

“Better, thank you,” Alice gave him an appreciative smile back.

“Josh?” Ivan turned to JC.

“Good…still waking up,” JC pulled his coffee cup back up to his lips.

“Remember, it’s a walk today, not a run,” Ivan winked as he handed Alice a card and moved on. Alice huffed, not as amused as JC appeared to be by Ivan’s statement.

“I feel like we’re going on a treasure hunt,” JC chuckled as Alice opened the card. “Bamboo Meditation Walk,” he read out loud. “Is this going to be one of those things where you have to balance on the bamboo and make your way across a pond or something?”

“Seriously, did you even read a brochure before you got here?” Alice asked him in amusement.

“Not really, if I’m being honest,” JC said, scratching the back of his neck. “My therapist suggested it and I trust him so I just went with it. Gotta try something, right?”

“I guess,” Alice chuckled. “Mine did too but I at least wanted to know what I was signing up for.” Alice flipped the card over and saw directions on how to get to the beginning of the path as JC downed the remainder of his coffee and grabbed another muffin for the road.

A sign greeted the duo as they reached the beginning of two huge walls of bamboo and a paved walkway going down the center. “A stalk of bamboo has been planted for every soul that has entered this sacred space. At the end of this path, you will add your own piece to this growing tapestry. This walk is meant to be taken slowly and thoughtfully as you orient yourself for your journey.”

“Ok, is it just me or do you get the feeling this could turn into Midsommar at any moment?” Alice turned to JC as she finished reading.

JC covered his mouth to contain his laughter. “If we see a bear, I’m running faster than you did last night.”

Alice shot him a look and proceeded slowly, as instructed. Barely a hundred feet in front of them, they were posed with their first question. “Become aware of your body. How are you physically feeling in this moment?”

“Tired,” JC answered immediately.

“Are you tired because you got up early or are you physically tired?” Alice asked him as they commenced their walk.

JC frowned slightly, contemplating the question. “I guess just cuz it’s early. Nothing hurts or is sore just my body needs to still wake up or something.”

“Is it different than how you feel when you normally wake up?”

“Not really. I mean, I normally trudge downstairs to get coffee then just bum on the couch until I have to move so this is…I guess my body never really wakes up on a regular day,” JC realized. “Damn, you’re good at this.”

“I asked you two things.”

“Yeah but already it’s got me thinking about how to start my day better. Not this early, mind you, just, better,” JC smiled, already feeling like this trip was worth it. “How about you?”

“Physically? I’m fine. Honestly, my legs are a little sore after my unexpected run last night but not unbearable. It’s a welcome change to feel sore from exercise actually.”

The next sign greeted them around a quarter mile into their trek. “Our feelings can change in an instant. How are you emotionally feeling right now?”

“Relaxed, more than anything,” Alice offered. “Still a little apprehensive, still a little embarrassed but overall, I don’t know, maybe just grateful to be here. Selfish, as well, but not in a bad way. I can’t tell you the last time I did something solely for me.”

“Why would you be embarrassed?” JC asked, to which Alice shot him a knowing look. JC took a moment but finally picked up on the unspoken sentiment. “Don’t even worry about it. I’ve had much worse happen.”

“How are you feeling?” Alice quickly deflected.

“Actually, pretty good. I mean, you’ve already got me thinking about something I can do to improve myself and that fills me with some hope. That’s…not really an emotion I’ve been feeling for some time.”

“If me just spouting off has caused you to have an epiphany, you need to fire your therapist because he’s apparently terrible,” Alice chuckled as they approached the next sign.

“Contemplate your mental and emotional states. This is a deeper reflection than the surface feelings you have just expressed,” the sign instructed.

The two looked at each other, both knowing they’d reached the point where they really had to start opening up. “It’s hard to explain,” JC started. “I think, mentally, I’m ok but I’m clearly not or I would need to be here. Emotionally…stilted, I guess. I just don’t feel anything lately.”

“Life made you numb,” Alice surmised.

“I…I don’t think that’s it. I’ve had a lot of stuff go wrong that’s left me jaded in a lot of ways but it’s in the past. It’s like this slowly creeping fog that’s rolled over me the past few years.”

“When did it start? I mean, that you really noticed an issue?”

“I don’t know, maybe three years ago that I noticed so probably a bit before that.”

Alice did some fast math in her head. Star ceremony. The Coachella performance had been after that however, she realized. She filed it away to mull over later. “You know, you’ve also had a lot of things go right.”

“Yeah, yeah I have,” JC admitted with a soft, downcast smile. “I don’t take them for granted but I don’t like to relish in them either. I’m grateful, beyond grateful but those times were so long ago, I feel like dwelling on them is like the forty year old at the local bar still telling stories of his high school football glory days. It’s sad to watch someone living in the past.”

“Do you think that’s what Chris is doing?”

“What?” JC stopped walking, confused by her question.

“He’s doing all this random gigs where he sings *NSYNC songs with other bands. Oh, and Lance does that Pop 2000s show or something. Do you think they’re living in the past and milking their celebrity?”

“No!” JC protested. “They like doing that stuff and I think it’s great. I fully support them still celebrating what we did and keeping the band name out there. I don’t want what we did to die.”

“But you don’t want to help keep it alive either.” JC’s face hardened and Alice instantly recoiled, taking a step back from him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Alice silently admonished herself repeatedly. She always took things a step too far. Her husband had been right; she would never learn her lesson.

JC froze as he watched Alice’s demeanor change so rapidly. She looked more scared of him now than she did when she first saw him. “Hey, it’s ok,” JC said gently. “Tough questions, right? You’re just doing what you’re supposed to do. I highly doubt we’re gonna get through this week without a few breakdowns from either of us.”

Alice turned away from JC and blinked away her emerging tears. “Yeah, you’re right,” she said so softly JC almost didn’t hear her.

The whole interaction wasn’t sitting right with JC as he started up their walk again. “How about you? How would you say your emotional and mental states are?”

“Not good would be an understatement,” she told him, not lifting her head. “We were talking about physically tired earlier; that’s my emotional and mental state. I’m tired. I just want to curl up and sleep for like a year. I often liken it to a caterpillar. Slowly crawling through life until it’s time to cocoon yourself away then emerge this beautiful butterfly who can finally fly away and start anew.”

“So is this your cocoon?”

“Maybe…probably,” Alice considered it. “Still gotta be a Mom when I get back home so I guess this is the closest I’ll get to that.”

JC was silent a moment as they walked. “Alice? When was the last time you weren’t tired?”

“Fuck, I don’t know,” she nearly laughed. “I think it’s just a personality trait at this point.” She thought about it, really thought about it. “Probably when my son Patrick was born. He just…he was so tiny and new and…the world hadn’t tainted him yet. Every possibility laid ahead of him and it was exciting to think of what could happen.”

“So the last time you were happy was eleven years ago?”

“Yeah, that’s probably accurate,” Alice this time did laugh sadly. JC stared at her as they walked, feeling confident there was far more to Alice’s story than he knew. He didn’t have time to delve into it now, however, as they approached the next sign.

“What direction are you going in? Your physical path today has been windy, just like our path in life. Are the feelings and states of being ones you want to continue with or do you want to change your path and journey down a new one?”

“I didn’t think my path would ever change until one day it suddenly did,” Alice stated. “It’s been a lot harder to navigate than I ever thought but I’m trying. Every day I’m trying and I want to keep trying, not just for Patrick but for myself as well.”

“That’s really great to hear,” JC beamed at her. “I mean, I think just by being here we obviously are showing we want a change but, yeah, I mean, I definitely do. I miss writing, I miss being creative.”

“You don’t write anymore?” Alice asked in surprise.

“Not really. I still sketch out ideas that come to mind but seriously sit down and write a song? Nah, that hasn’t happened in a good while. I brought my guitar though, just in case inspiration strikes.”

“You’re a very good songwriter…and singer,” Alice told him.

“Thank you, that’s very sweet of you,” he smiled politely.

“You don’t believe me, do you?” Alice asked him skeptically. “The way you said that…”

“Another conversation for another time,” JC stated as he pointed at the next and final sign.

“Congratulations on completion of your meditation walk. We urge you to take the thoughts discovered during your walk into your work for the day. As a lasting monument to your accomplishment, please take a stalk of bamboo and place it into the ground.”

Beside the sign were two pieces of bamboo and a small gardening trowel. The holes were already dug on the left bank indicating where they should be placed. There was a slight incline to the land so that as JC placed his bamboo behind Alice’s, it provided shade and took the brunt of the slight breeze that was in the air. Alice found the symbolism deeply poetic.

They turned around and found a second message on the back of the sign. “This bamboo will grow just as you will. It is strong but not invincible and, if not cared for or when put through a storm, may break. However, it will always grow back, healthier, taller and tougher than before. A piece of you now lays here forever and we ask you to remember your ever growing bamboo as you continue your journey, both here and in life.”

“Well damn,” JC breathed, “that kind of got me.”

“Notice how there was no guidance about metaphorical panda bears that will not hesitate to snap your bamboo in two and feast on it,” Alice joked.

“I believe I said no bears when we started this walk,” JC winked and threw his arm around Alice’s shoulders. “You did really great.”

Alice blushed and worked to keep her body relaxed as the man she’d dreamed for decades to touch her finally was, innocent as it may be. “Thanks. You did excellent as well. Sounds like morning walks might be in your future.”

“At least for the next week they will be. Then maybe an afternoon walk. Nothing this early ever if I have any say.”

“What about mid-morning? 10am doesn’t seem too unreasonable.”

“I’ll think about it,” he grinned as they walked back to the main campus and retreated to their rooms for breakfast.