Day 7

JC groaned as his alarm went off. He hadn’t gone to bed tremendously late but his dreams were wracked with nonsensical images of songs and his band mates and bees and Alice.

“Alice,” JC inwardly sighed as he rolled to his back. What the fuck had even happened yesterday that made him want to jump her that aggressively? He tried to think, yet again, but he could only envision swirling patterns in the sky and the sound of Vivienne’s voice whispering throughout his brain.

JC reluctantly got up and got changed. One more hike, one more day, then back to reality. He was having very mixed emotions about it. On one hand, the whole experience was insane yet successful in his eyes and he felt a satisfaction in knowing he could go home and tackle the issues that awaited him. On the other hand, the freedom he currently had was refreshing and he still felt there was more work to be done…something still unresolved.

A smile spread across his face as he entered the lounge and found Alice in their now familiar spot. She was the same comforting presence she had grown to be over the past week yet something was different. JC stared at her a moment, trying to place it, before her gaze found him. That’s when he realized, at least in part, what the difference was. She was relaxed around him finally, a quiet confidence exuding off of her and he could now see the true woman she’d been keeping hidden inside.

“Hey,” Alice returned his smile with ease as she handed him a coffee mug. “I figured you’d want bold this morning. I certainly needed it.”

“Good call,” JC sat down next to her and took a refreshing sip. “How’d you sleep?”

“Ok…weird dreams though. Like all the stuff I was keeping out of my brain yesterday surged back in. Nothing bad just jumbled.”

“Same, I couldn’t make any sense of it,” JC almost lamented. He’d been searching for some clue as to what had happened but kept coming up short. “How much do you remember of yesterday?”

“I feel like all of it and none at the exact same time. It’s there but it’s really cloudy,” Alice tried to explain. “Poor Michael saw me naked, I know that much.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t exactly poor for Michael,” JC chuckled then coughed awkwardly, averting his gaze. He had no idea why had even said that. “Uh, yeah, it’s all still really fuzzy,” JC stammered. “Shouldn’t it be a little clearer by now?”

“Eh, probably but I’m sure it’ll come back eventually,” Alice shrugged and sipped her coffee.

JC stared hard at his friend. “Ok, how did we switch places?”

“What do you mean?”

“Yesterday you were convinced we were going to be turned into flying killing insects and today you’re fine with missing hours from your life. Sounds very pod person-y to me.”

“Don’t make me do the face,” Alice laughed. “Honestly, I don’t know. Whatever happened feels…good. Like I can actually process my thoughts instead of be overwhelmed by them all at once. I know the feeling won’t last so I just…I want to enjoy it.”

JC quirked the side of his lip, debating what to say. It was unlike Alice to not question and pick apart this unusual mood but wasn’t it good that she was finally experiencing a little bit of peace? Ultimately he decided to let it go for the time being. “So dare I ask what is in store for us on our last hike?”

“Looks like we are about to find out,” Alice stated as Ivan made his way to the duo and handed them their card. “Your journey this week has been winding but successful,” Alice read. “Today is about reflection. Follow the map printed on the back and spend this time discussing the progress you’ve made and how you will implement what you’ve learned for the future.”

“Something tells me this is going to be the hardest one yet,” JC gave a half smile.

“It’s almost like you’ve been doing this all week,” Alice chuckled as they finished their coffee and headed out. 

The map directed them to the start of the steep incline of their Cardinal Mountain hike on Day 2. “I feel like this is where I first really got to know you,” JC stated as they started to climb.

“Really?” Alice fell in step with him. 

“Yeah, I mean, the first day you were so…guarded. You started to open up on this one.”

“Well, I mean, same for you. I know you don’t really talk about your solo career and it was really brave of you to talk to a stranger about it. It, well, it ironically turned out to be good information to have on hand,” Alice gave an awkward smile.

“It’s a really hard thing to verbalize but I guess…I mean, I know there’s a lot of stuff I need to deal with but this whole album leak thing…it’s pressing the matter. It’s not how I should have to handle the trauma I went through, I need to proc…” JC stopped dead in his tracks. “Fuck…”

“What?” Alice cautiously put a hand on his shoulder.

“I…I’ve never called it, like, trauma. Is that…is that what it is?” JC’s mind started to reel.

“I mean, maybe not at the time but the fact it’s still affecting you, yeah, it sounds like it at least turned into a traumatic event,” Alice said softly.

“But that’s just…trauma is like a car crash or someone dying or…” he cut himself off again, realizing he was about to stick his foot in his mouth.

“If it’s something that leaves a stain on your soul, it’s trauma,” Alice said simply. 

“Careers fail, bands break up. Why is it…so hard for me to let that go?” JC’s eyes began to sting.

“Because you don’t want to let it go,” Alice reasoned. “You think they all moved on so the only thing you have to hold onto is the pain of how it ended.” Alice moved in to embrace JC’s slightly trembling body. “They didn’t simply move on, JC, they just dealt with the experience in their own ways.”

“Successfully. They’re all successful and I’m just…” once again, JC didn’t want to finish his sentence.

“They all found their own paths, eventually. Need I remind you of the years Chris spent in a drunken stupor before finding his way? We knew; I lived close enough to have heard stories and knew some people who had crashed a party or two. He didn’t deal well at first but look at him now.”

“That’s all Karly,” JC informed her.

“Karly might have been the catalyst but Chris wouldn’t have climbed himself out of the hole he was in if he didn’t truly want to.” Alice turned JC’s head to face her. “You are all still a part of each other’s lives. Nothing will ever change the brotherhood you five have. Nothing.”

Alice’s words started to trigger something in JC’s brain. “Vivienne…yesterday…she said something about my…hive was destroyed, but it wasn’t, I just feel like it is.”

“Well, if she was referring to the guys then I’d have to agree. Remember, the band didn’t actually break up, you’re still on a hiatus,” Alice winked.

JC couldn’t help but laugh. “After all this, you still think a reunion could happen?”

Alice smiled back at him. “JC, after all this, I’m beginning to think that anything is possible.” She held him a moment longer, really relishing in the feeling of the unbelievable experiences she had had with him this week.

JC must have read it on her face as he kissed her forehead then gently broke her embrace as he started on the trail again. “You know, I was trying to say how much I’ve seen you grow this week,” he veered off to the right as the map took them in a new direction.

“I’m not sure this is actually growth. More like coping, maybe…coming to terms with everything. The drugs are playing a big part in all this, I can assure you.”

“Once again, you sell yourself short,” JC shook his head. “You’re, I don’t know, blossoming. I’m getting to see the real you.”

“More than just murderous fan girl?” Alice joked awkwardly.

JC stopped and turned abruptly, staring hard at Alice. “Yes, way more. You have this…tough power…”

“It’s not power, it’s survival instincts,” Alice corrected him.

“No, it’s not,” JC argued back. “You are a force of nature, Alice. It’s under the surface but this week I’ve seen it come through a bit. The way you tackled that obstacle course, the way you stayed with me the other night…when you stop worrying and just live…there is this mixture of compassion and tenacity in you that I…I find very…attractive.”

Alice held her breath a moment, searching JC’s eyes and only able to see truth in them. That scared her more than she had been prepared for and she quickly took off along the trail again. “Yeah, well, apparently when I let it all out, people die, so…” she deflected as she whizzed by JC.

“Jesus Christ, Alice. That’s not what I meant and you know it,” JC called after her then started to follow. “Why can’t you just let me pay you a compliment?”

“Remember, I do just about as good with compliments as you do,” she replied as they hit the meadow they had bandied about in during their Animal Essence exercise.

“We both gotta work on that,” JC lamented as he trailed behind. He was beginning to think he was fighting a losing battle until he remembered Justin’s words from the previous morning; his own friends had thought he might never turn things around but they never gave up on him. He knew, at the very least, he wanted to pay their kindness and patience forward. “Alice, will you stop a moment?” he called after her.

Alice had practically marched through the meadow to cross it as quickly as possible. She was feeling defensive, finding JC’s words hard to take in. She felt his sincerity and yet almost didn’t want to believe him. Then there was the almost kiss, or kisses, as the occurrences were starting to pile up. It was eating at her and at this point she just wanted him to confirm it was all in her head so she could move on.

Alice stopped and turned abruptly. “JC, how do you…” she started but the soft blue of his eyes coming into view as he got closer was making her rethink her sudden boldness.

“How do I what?” JC stopped in front of her.

Alice shut her eyes and took a breath, forcing herself to refocus. “How do you feel…about me? I mean, I know it’s only been a week and this is beyond abnormal circumstances and…”

“I think you’re wonderful, Alice,” JC smiled at her brightly. “I think you are strong and funny and compassionate and you just…you deserve to live the life you always wanted and while the way you got the opportunity to do so wasn’t how anyone would have wanted, I’m still glad you get to do it.”

“Yeah,” Alice swallowed hard. “Silver lining and all that.”

“You and I, we’ve been through a lot. Super different but a lot nonetheless. I think it’s been good to see the similarities and not feel so alone but have enough outside perspective to help each other with the differences, at least that’s been good for me.”

“Guess they really do know what they are doing around here, then,” Alice gave a small smile and shifted her feet.

JC suddenly realized what question she’d really been asking, grateful for the opportunity to express how he was feeling but making sure to phrase it very carefully so Alice couldn’t later question it. “I am so thankful to have met you, Alice. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and allowing me to do the same. You’ve taught me how much I miss that with the people I love and how much I had cut myself off from all of it. This connection we have, it’s…it’s so strong and I love it yet, if I’m being honest, it kind of scares me.”

“It does?” Alice nearly whispered.

“Yeah,” JC admitted sheepishly as he moved forward and gripped both her hands, “and there have been so many times I wish I could…show you how much you mean to me. I’ve learned enough that words are usually empty promises to you but telling you…you’ll never believe me but I can’t…I have a girlfriend, Alice. It isn’t right for me to…”

Alice let out a small gasp and took a step back from JC. He looked into her widening eyes and for once believed what he’d said had registered, at least before she started to pull it apart in her mind. Already he could see the wheels spinning and decided to give it one last try.

“Alice, this is how I feel and I can’t make you believe me but I really hope you do. If I was single, the only thing that would change is that I’d be kissing you now instead of talking because I want to. I very very much want to.”

Hot tears burned down Alice’s cheeks yet she refused to tear her eyes away from JC even for a second. He spoke like he sang, like every word came directly from his soul. Her instincts were screaming at her that he was lying, just like every other man had, just like Donnie had. Her heart though was sending her reeling. It was the fall she’d been almost dreading all week because she knew there was no going back.

She tried futily to save herself one last time. “Probably best, you know. Donnie always said I was a lousy kisser.”

JC doubled down as he gripped Alice’s shoulders and stared so deeply into her eyes that she felt like he was looking inside of her. “Alice, fuck Donnie. He’s not here anymore and from the sounds of it, he never was here for you to begin with. Don’t allow him to control you anymore. He tried for years but he failed, not because he died but because you were always stronger than him. Somewhere inside you know that and now it’s time for the world to recognize it cuz I see it and I’ve fallen in love with it.”

All the walls Alice had built brick by brick over the years came crashing down like JC’s words were a powerful typhoon she couldn’t withstand. She nearly fell into JC’s arms as she finally gave into the love she’d been chasing for all of her life. It didn’t matter that it was from her childhood crush but it was so much more special that it was. There was a weird validation that she’d been right this whole time; that the warmth and compassion she’d craved resided in the man she’d always believed would be capable of those emotions. She wished she could kiss him but just this, being held, feeling that connection, was so desperately overdue.

JC held Alice tightly, rubbing her back to soothe her and also himself. There was a beauty in this utter abandonment Alice was experiencing and JC was getting emotional being a part of it. Her guard was down in a way he hadn’t seen or experienced in so long and he felt this odd satisfaction yet responsibility that she was entrusting him to keep her safe in this moment.

He kissed the top of her head as he wondered if he’d ever get to this breaking point but also felt like maybe part of him already had. This week had worn him down and built him back up in a way that he knew he could have some hard conversations when he got home. His friends, his band mates, his lawyers… Suddenly Alice looked up at him and JC knew the hardest conversation was going to be with Jen.

“Sorry,” Alice sniveled as she tried to pull herself together.

“Nothing to be sorry about,” JC smiled down at her softly. “You ok?”

“No,” Alice gave a laugh in response, “but that helped. Thank you.” She shuffled her feet a moment before continuing. “I know I’ve put a lot of…pressure on you this week and, I certainly didn’t mean to but you’ve handled it with an amazing amount of grace and I appreciate that.”

“Pressure? What are you talking about?”

“With my, you know, feelings and being a fan and all.”

“Alice,” JC put his hands on her shoulders. “I have to admit, it was…it took a lot for me to even come here so feeling, at first, like I had to keep up appearances was really not what I had signed up for. From that first walk though, hell, actually our first conversation, at least a bit, you put me at ease.”

“By telling you I’ve had a crush on you for a couple decades?”

“Yeah, actually, I mean, we got it out on the table. I knew what I was dealing with, in a sense, but also, like, you were just honest. I don’t find that very often anymore.”

“Well, same on that,” Alice slowly began to walk again. “I just…I tried to tell Ivan it wasn’t fair to you to deal with all my fangirl feelings on top of the reasons that had led you to be here. He said maybe it was stuff you needed to hear and, well, I don’t know how true that really is but you listened and respected my feelings, even if you really didn’t understand them and I’m thankful for that.”

“I think he was right, in a way,” JC admitted. “At least, having someone who knew so much about my public past has made dealing with my private problems a tad easier to tackle.” JC paused his stride for a moment. “You don’t think Ivan, or somebody here, leaked the album, do you? So I could deal with…”

“They do a lot of weird shit here, JC, but I think that’s extreme, even for them,” Alice cut him off and grabbed his hand to start him walking again. 

JC was silent for a bit as they slowly descended from the meadow to circle around the far side of the lake. He looked out, remembering he and Alice’s adventure the other morning and the apparent bubbling springs that lived underneath. So many things had happened this week he didn’t even know how he’d begin to explain. He looked over at Alice and was grateful to know that at least there was one person in this world he’d always have the right words for about it.

“What’s the first thing you’re gonna do when you get home?” JC asked.

“Hug my kid, if he’ll let me,” Alice replied.

“Duh, that was a stupid question,” JC chided himself.

“Not at all. It’s been, I hate to say it’s a relief to not have him this week but we both need a lot of healing. I’m beginning to understand at least one way to help him is to help me as well. Be a good example and all that, or, at least, a more improved example.”

“You’re an incredible example. Patrick is really lucky to have you as a mom.”

“I think he’d disagree but maybe…maybe when he’s older he’ll get it,” Alice sighed. She got it; any undue attention at that age was the most embarrassing thing on the planet but it’s not like she’d shown up in pajamas to pick him up from school. This was something they’d both carry for the rest of their lives and Alice was understanding that the goal wasn’t how to get over it but how to live with it.

The path turned up from the lake and soon enough the duo were back through the bamboo pathway where they had started their journey only a few short days ago. “Who would have thought…” Alice mumbled as she took in the surroundings once more.

“Thought what?” JC asked.

“This. Us,” Alice gestured. “Like, this shouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s fate, I guess, or luck.”

“There’s gotta be some new-agey word for it.”

“Karma?”

“No, like, if you put the thought out into the universe, eventually it answers you back.”

“Manifesting?”

“Maybe…” Alice mulled over. “How about you? What are you doing first?”

“Talking to Jen,” JC said matter of factly.

“Like, catch her up on everything or talk talk with her?”

“I think I need to at least tell her about the album leak first but then, yeah, like talk talk.”

“Damn,” Alice breathed. “I mean, good, you should just, right away? That’s ambitious.”

“I’d rather do it while everything is fresh in my mind. I mean, it’s not like we’re breaking up or anything but there’s a lot I need to let her know so we can figure out the best way forward together.”

“That’s a beautiful way to put it,” Alice smiled.

“She’s my girlfriend, my partner. I gotta be honest, no matter how ugly it is.”

“True but there’s really nothing that ugly to tell her, is there?” Alice asked.

“No but…” JC paused, turning his head to look at Alice as they walked. His hand easily slid into hers. “Just a lot of hard truths.”