Early April

“What did Joey say now?” Patrick rolled his eyes as he passed through the kitchen to empty his cereal bowl.

“Huh?” Alice looked up from her phone. “How did you know I was talking to Joey?”

“Cuz you get that goofy grin on your face whenever you do,” Patrick noted.

“I do?” Alice touched her face. “He’s at Ryan Cabrera’s wedding and he’s sending pics. It’s  still early but there’s like every celebrity from the early 2000s you could imagine.”

“I was born in 2010, so…”

“Clearly I haven’t raised you right.”

“Clearly,” he deadpanned and went to leave.

“Hey wait, come here,” Alice called him over. Patrick huffed and took a seat at the table. “Am I really that terrible to talk to?”

“No,” Patrick replied flippantly, wanting whatever conversation was about to happen to be over with already.

“I, um, I just wanted to check in, see how you were…”

“I know what today is,” Patrick shot at her quickly, his tone instantly angry.

“Oh,” Alice wilted a bit. One year since Donny died; since she’d stabbed him not even ten feet from where they sat. “I didn’t know if you wanted to go see him or just get out of the house or…”

“Why would I want to go see a pile of dirt?” Patrick spat back. “What I want to do is go hang out with my friends but I can’t do that.”

“How is it kids know exactly where to hurt you the most?” Alice got up, dejected.

“Teenaged angst,” Patrick replied proudly.

“Not even a teenager yet. You always have been advanced for your age,” she tried to joke. “Forget I asked.”

Patrick took that as a sign he could leave and got up as Alice’s phone chirped again. “Lover boy sent you another text.”

“I’ll get it later, thanks,” Alice started doing the dishes, trying to work through her guilt at taking away so much from her son.

Patrick looked at his mom and felt his own pang of guilt. Sometimes it felt good to hurt your parent but actually seeing them hurt somehow took all the fun out of it. “Sorry,” Patrick muttered.

“You’re fine,” Alice answered as she continued to scrub at the same now clean dish.

“How, um, how are you doing today?” he approached gingerly. 

“Not one of my better days,” Alice gave him a weak smile.

“Still better than last year though, right?”

“Is it?” Alice finally stopped and turned to her son, tears brimming against her eyes.

“Yeah Mom, it is,” Patrick told her honestly.

“Ok,” Alice again mustered a smile as she sniffled and quickly brushed a tear away before returning her attention to the dishes.

The phone chimed again. “What’s the deal with Joey?” Patrick blurted out.

“What do you mean what’s the deal? We’re friends.”

“What’s that like?” Patrick laid in again. Alice shut her eyes and breathed. “Are you sleeping with him?”

“PATRICK EDWARD!” Alice yelled, throwing the sponge in her hand into the sink at full force. “Sit! NOW!” she pointed at the table.

Patrick went back to the seat he’d previously occupied and looked down, knowing he’d gone too far this time. Alice followed and again took a moment to breathe. She knew exactly why he was pushing her buttons but she already knew she couldn’t do this all day.

“What is the problem here?” she asked him.

“What isn’t the problem here?!” Patrick replied.

Alice put her head down for a moment, trying so hard to keep her composure. “You’re right, there are a lot, but you just said things are better so…”

“Do you think I care that that bastard’s dead?” Patrick slammed the table, his anger finally coming to the surface. “He was an asshole and he treated us like shit. I’m glad he’s gone but when he was alive, we could at least pretend things were normal. I only lost some of my friends but there is no way to hide what you did and now I have no one. And you, you go to fancy retreats and make friends who are rich and people you always wanted to meet and it’s bullshit! You get to move on while I’m stuck dealing with what both you and Dad did. Alone.”

Alice sat in stunned silence as Patrick broke down in tears. She knew he’d lost friends cuz of Donny’s outbursts and word got around. She knew he’d lost even more since Donny’s death at her hands. She knew he spent more time in his room and she tried to get him into activities where he could meet more kids but he didn’t take to it. Even the school dance she found out he’d sat on the bleachers the whole time by himself.

“Patrick,” Alice gently started, “I hope you know I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

“Why’d you even marry him?” Patrick asked through his tears. “He’s always been a fucking jerk!”

Alice tried not to roll her eyes at how much Patrick was cursing, knowing he was still testing her even in his outburst. “Patrick, I married him because I loved him.”

“Well he didn’t love you,” Patrick looked up, staring directly at her to drive home his point. “You get that, right? He didn’t love either of us.”

Alice took a hard swallow. “Yeah, Patrick, I know.” She wanted to say what every parent does, that of course his dad loved them, he just had problems expressing it, but she was tired of lying. “You really wanna know why I married him?” Patrick’s eyes softened and he nodded. “Because I didn’t think anyone else would ever want to marry me. Make no mistake, I did love your father, or at least I convinced myself I did. I very much wanted us to be a family.”

“I know, Mom,” Patrick whispered.

“I let a lot of things blind me in the pursuit of that cuz I thought we could do it, that I could do it. I thought taking you away from your dad wasn’t right but keeping you here was even worse.”

“He would have killed us anyway,” Patrick said bluntly. “Dad was already pissed after what happened at the Murphy’s and how it was getting around. If we’d left, he would have gone ballistic. I just sped it up.”

Alice finally moved over to hug her son, even as he half heartedly tried to shrug her off. “Patrick, you’ll never know how truly sorry I am for everything you’ve had to go through but you know this wasn’t your fault.”

“It’s not all your fault either,” he mumbled, not looking at her.

“Some days it feels like it is,” she sighed. “All I can do is try to make it better going forward. I want to very much so, Patrick. You’re my boy and I love you,” she wiped away a tear.

“I love you too,” he grumbled.

The phone dinged with another text message that made them both look. “Do you want me to stop talking to Joey? Will that help?”

“You don’t want that,” Patrick sniffled.

“I don’t but if it’s making you upset…”

“I just want friends of my own,” Patrick stated then gave his mother the barest of looks. “Why is it so hard?”

“Because a lot of people are assholes,” Alice told him, causing him to fully look at her. “Not everyone, and some even have good intentions but are still assholes. The Murphy’s had every right to keep their family safe from your dad and thought they were being helpful telling other parents about him. I don’t think they thought about how much harm it would do to you.”

Patrick frowned at the memory. “Everybody around here knows. I can’t do anything without people looking at me weird. Even my teachers.”

Alice rubbed her son’s back. “Life is hard, kid, but I promise you, you will find good friends and good people to take care of you. Who will accept every ounce of you.”

“Great but what about now?” Patrick pointed out. “I’m not looking for some life long friend. I’m looking for someone to have a light saber fight with.”

“When Joey gets back, I can see if you can have a play date with Kloey. Would that help to start?”

“I’m eleven, not three. Please don’t call it a play date,” Patrick rolled his eyes. “They live like an hour away so it’s not, I mean, yeah, ok, but I can’t like hang out after school with her, you know.”

“I know, sweetie. I’m just trying to think of something for now while we figure out long term.”

“You just want to hang out with Joey more,” Patrick teased.

“Not gonna lie, it’s a nice excuse but certainly not the reason I suggested it,” she smiled. 

“What is the deal with Joey, seriously?” Patrick asked her.

“He’s my friend, Patrick. Same as JC, same as Millie.”

“I’ll give you same as JC but definitely not the same as Millie,” Patrick pointed out. “That’s like me being friends with Sadie Sink.”

“More like one of the Kidz Bop performers but I get your point,” Alice chuckled. “It’s…weird. Nice. He’s everything I imagined he’d be like yet so much more. I mean, you think you know someone from interviews and what not but he’s got a lot more depth to him.”

“You like him,” Patrick pointed out.

“Of course I like him. I just said, he’s a nice guy. He’s having far too much fun teaching me all this Star Wars stuff.”

“No Mom, I mean, you like him,” Patrick emphasized.

“Oh,” Alice was a bit stunned. “You mean like…no Patrick, I don’t…”

“You don’t need to lie to me,” Patrick gave her an all knowing look, one that really should be reserved for parents to look at their kids with, in Alice’s mind.

“Patrick, I am very lucky Joey is being so kind. Yes I’m enjoying his company but as a friend. That’s it. Besides, I’m not really ready to be dating or anything like that. Like you said, everyone around here knows…”

“Can we move?” Patrick blurted out, surprising Alice. “I mean, not now but this summer. We don’t even have to go far, I just…I’m really trying, Mom. You can go to work and not be reminded of shit but I can’t get away from it at school. And then just living here…”

“I think that reaches your maximum on curse words today,” Alice gently interjected then gave an audible sigh. “Patrick, I have no doubt how hard it’s been and you…I hope you know how proud I am of you. Despite everything thrown at you, you are turning out to be an excellent young man.”

“Thank Uncle Lew,” Patrick joked.

“I’ll be sure to do that,” she laughed. “I will think about it. Really think about it. I don’t want you thinking you can run from your problems but a change of scenery isn’t a bad idea.”

“I’m not trying to run, Mom. I can’t forget what happened but I just don’t want to be reminded of it every day,” Patrick pointed at the floor of the living room.

“Fair enough,” Alice gulped. “No promises. There are a lot of factors I have to look at but I’ll see, ok?”

“Ok,” Patrick leaned over and gave his mother a hug. Alice shut her eyes and relished the moment. “Can I ask one more thing?” Patrick asked while hugging her.

“I knew it was too good to be true,” Alice laughed as she let him go. “What’s that?”

“I know JC sends lots of good meats and stuff but can we please not have steak tonight?”

Alice couldn’t hold in her laughter, even though she tried, spurting and holding her mouth until she finally just burst out a huge chortle. “You have a sick sense of humor, you know that?”

“You’re the one that laughed,” Patrick smiled widely before running off.

Alice shook her head and let her laughter die off. Patrick really was an amazing kid and she had the briefest of moments of satisfaction, feeling she had to have done something marginally right in raising him. Maybe it was time to give them both a break.

The chime of Alice’s phone brought her back to the present. She looked to see a bunch of pictures of Joey being goofy with some of his friends, most she recognized, a few not. “Glad you’re having fun,” she texted back with a smiley face.

Before she could even put the phone down, it rang with a FaceTime call. Alice quickly answered and Joey’s boisterous face popped up on the screen. “Heyyyyy!” he loudly greeted her then took in her face and quickly turned it down, moving somewhere quieter. “Shit, is this a bad time?”

“What? No, you’re…” Alice caught her reflection in the camera and realized why he’d reacted that way, her eyes clearly red and cheeks puffy. “Rough morning but you know, getting through it.”

“How’s Patrick?”

“He wants to move.”

“Do you think he means it or he’s emotional because today is…today?”

“I’ll give it a few days but I think he means it. He made some good points, I’ll give him that.”

“So, you’d move, like, away?” Joey asked, a little sad at the prospect.

“No, probably not. Just to a different town, maybe. I honestly don’t even know yet, just sprung this on me like ten minutes ago.”

“I getcha. Sorry, I knew today was going to be tough so I’ve been trying to distract you.”

“Joey, you are always a welcome distraction but you are there to celebrate your friend. You don’t need to be worrying about me but I do appreciate the concern.”

“Well, when I realized exactly who was going to be here, I knew you wouldn’t want to miss it,” his face lit up again as he walked back over to where he’d initially called from. Alice could see his arm shoot out as it pulled a gentleman into view.

“Oh shit!” Alice exclaimed, covering her mouth.

“Wow, I can’t remember the last time someone reacted like that,” Chris chuckled. “It’s usually when I sneak up on them.”

“Sorry Chris, just caught off guard,” Alice blushed, wondering how many *NSYNC members she could embarrass herself in front of.

“Chris, Alice,” Joey introduced him.

“Like JC’s Alice?” Chris questioned.

“My Alice,” he smirked. “JC doesn’t come to visit either of us so I’m laying claim to her.”

“You two fighting over the same woman? Feels like old times,” Chris teased.

“Oh, I’m not, I mean,” Alice stammered then just gave up. “I don’t know how to even process that.”

“All good,” Chris laughed. “Gotta fuck with these guys when I can. Nice to meet you, Alice.”

“You too,” she smiled as her face started to turn shades of red.

“Trust me, don’t get excited about him,” Joey joked. “He just beat me at golf, he doesn’t need his ego inflated more.”

“A toddler could have beaten you at golf,” Chris retorted. 

“Ugh! I thought we came late enough to miss the golf,” a voice rang out behind them.

The two band members parted to reveal a third behind them. “Learn to play, Lance, then you can quit your bitching,” Joey laughed then embraced his friend.

“You learn to play!” Chris shouted at Joey before pulling Lance into a hug. “Good to see you, brother.”

“Jesus, are you two already drinking?” Lance observed. “It’s like 10am.”

“It’s gonna be a long day, gotta stay hydrated,” Chris reasoned, clinking glasses with Joey.

“Jesus Christ,” Lance muttered then caught notice of Joey’s phone. “Uh, hello nice lady,” Lance waved to Alice’s face, her jaw literally dropped in shock.

“Oops, sorry. Alice, Lance. Lance, Alice,” Joey made the fast introduction.

“JC’s Alice?” Lance asked.

“Stop calling her that!” Joey protested.

“Two to one,” Chris yelled then butted in front of Lance to look at the camera. “Don’t worry, Alice. You’re safe with JC. We’ll take care of this “creep” for you,” then fake punched Joey in the stomach.

“Can you two idiots not attempt to wrestle in front of real wrestlers?” Lance pointed out as he looked around the tent they were in. He snatched Joey’s phone as he addressed Alice again. “Sorry Alice, these things tend to happen when we get together. You’ll get used to it.”

“I will absolutely never get used to this,” Alice stared on in amazement.

Lance chuckled in that low bass of his that reverberated even through the phone. “Trust me, we’re just a bunch of grown children when we get together, but now we can have alcohol.”

“What are you talking about? We could always have alcohol,” Chris chimed in.

“No, you could always have alcohol cuz you were a fucking old man when we even started out,” Joey teased.

“Says the guy with the gray in his beard,” Chris retorted.

“Is it gonna be like this all day?” Lance whined.

“Yes!” Chris shouted.

“No no no, Lance is right,” Joey cut in, retrieving his phone again. “We should lay off and focus on the important things,” he panned his camera out to finally get a full view of Lance, “like what the hell you are wearing.”

“Ryan said dress extravagantly. You put on some fucking sequins,” Lance defended, brushing off his kilt.

“Your balls are gonna be so mad at you later,” Chris giggled.

Joey finally turned back to the camera. “Alice, I’m sorry my friends are so uncouth.”

“Uncouth?!” Chris yelled from the background. “Did he just say uncouth? Look who finally bought a dictionary!”

“I mean, he does have a lot of downtime since his game show got canceled,” Lance said to Chris, pretending like he was whispering but clearly loud enough even Alice could hear.

“And that just proved my point,” Joey extended his middle finger to his friends.

“Joey, are you kidding me?!” Alice finally let her excitement bubble over. “Just seeing the three of you together, let alone goofing around, it just…I don’t know, it’s so heartwarming and special,” Alice teared up.

“No Dammit, the goal was not to make you cry,” Joey scolded himself.

“Happy tears, I promise,” Alice sniffled. “I’m really happy you three are getting to hang out today and to celebrate your friend. You’re gonna have the most incredible day and thank you for sharing a part of it with me.”

“I’m sure there will be plenty more to come. Next time, you can come as my date,” Joey winked.

“D…date? Alice’s face blanched.

“Plus one then, how’s that sound?” Joey smiled at her reaction. All Alice could do was give a small nod, making Joey laugh. “Alice, I know you enough by now to know you overanalyze everything but I promise you, I’m not that complex a man. Maybe I don’t always use the right words but I mean what I say.”

“I know Joey, I’m…I’m working on it,” Alice gulped.

“I am too,” Joey gave her a sincere smile.

“Please don’t make out with your phone. It’s fucking weird,” Chris called over from the bar.

“I’m not gonna…you’re fucking weird!” Joey yelled back. “I need to go find his wife to reel him in.”

“You’ll never take me alive, Fatone!” Chris shouted as he took his freshly refilled drink and sprinted out of the tent.

“Can you…?” he gestured at Lance.

“Yeah, I got him,” Lance chuckled, coming over and taking Joey’s drink from his other hand. “Just in case,” he smirked as he casually walked off after Chris.

“I can always get a new cup!” Joey yelled after him, Lance only acknowledging the statement with a middle finger behind him as he continued to walk away. Joey let out a full on laugh at his friend’s reaction.

“You guys are an absolute riot,” Alice giggled. “This helped, thank you Joey.”

“Just think, this is only the beginning of the day. No idea what else might be in store.”

“I hope you have an amazing day with your friends, Joey,” Alice smiled brightly.

“Keep your phone close by, I’ll keep you abreast of all the action…that is, if you aren’t busy. I don’t wanna keep you from…”, Joey hesitated.

“Patrick already said he didn’t want to go to the cemetery,” Alice interjected, “but it’s also not your job to keep me entertained. Definitely appreciate it but you are at your friend’s wedding. Go have fun!”

“Ok but let me know if you need anything, seriously. As long as they aren’t in the middle of the “I dos” I’ll respond right back.”

“Again, appreciated but I can handle it. I’ll make some pasta for dinner and hopefully coerce Patrick into a movie. Maybe a little break from Stars Wars and see if I can get him into some Indiana Jones.”

“Ark?”

“Of course.”

“That’s my girl,” Joey smiled. “Ok, I’ll still send you some pics. Even I’m a little impressed at who showed up to this shindig.”

“Then go enjoy it, Joey. I’ll catch up with you when you get back and then feel free to go into minute detail.”

“Ok,” he laughed. “I’ll be back on Monday and we’ll catch up next week. Love ya,” he blew her a kiss with a wave.

“Uh, yes, we’ll, yes. You as well with the,” Alice awkwardly did the same motion back before hurriedly disconnecting the call. “What the fuck was that?” she whispered in disbelief.

Joey looked at his now blank phone screen a long moment, trying to rationalize why he’d ended the call in such a way. He smiled when he realized the simplest answer was always the truest: because he meant it. With that, he slid his phone into his pocket and headed to the bar to replace his drink.