“What in the hell are you wearing?” Alice gave a laugh as she came down the hallway to her room to see JC exiting his.

“It’s a yukata robe. You know, like a super informal kimono,” JC smiled and did a slow turn.

“Well, it certainly fits the theme,” Alice grinned as she took in the white robe with delicate blue flowers emblazoned on the fabric.

“Yeah, well figured there wasn’t much time between the group meditation and dinner so best just to change now. Just got done my massage so I’m feeling loose and wanted to be comfortable.”

“Can’t argue with comfortable,” Alice said as she unlocked her door.

“Are you gonna change now or before dinner? Either way, I’ll wait for you,” JC held the door open as Alice walked through.

Alice glanced at the clock and realized she still wasn’t going to have time for a proper shower. “I hate to put new clothes on over my stinky body. I think I’ll just tough it out then have someone burn these at the end of the night.”

“Now who didn’t read the schedule,” JC knowingly smirked as he let himself fully into the room. He found the paper Alice had received last night with today’s activities and pointed to the note next to the dinner slot: Yukata robe attire requested.

“I thought you brought that with you,” Alice gave a small laugh as JC walked to her closet and located her matching garment.

“No but I do have a caftan at home my buddy Lance got me that I may have to bust out after wearing this,” JC said as he handed her the robe. Alice’s brain quickly flashed back to talking with Lance all those years ago. He had seemed just as awkward as she did that day, which made him somehow the easiest to talk to. 

JC noticed the small change on Alice’s face but couldn’t quite place its meaning. “Thanks,” she stated, slipping the robe over her clothing.

“Wait? You’re going to wear those underneath?” JC questioned.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s a robe not…” Alice paused her eyes growing wide as she took in JC once more. “Oh God, are you naked under there?”

“I have underwear on,” JC chuckled, moving the bottom of his robe open to reveal a pair of black boxer briefs with tiny mugs of beer floating on them. The motion moved the upper half of the robe to open slightly and partially reveal JC’s bare chest.

Alice stared and visibly shook her head a few times to force her eyes away. “Yeah, uh, I’m just gonna keep these on…” she stammered, closing her robe tightly around herself.

“Whatever works for you,” JC told her as they left to join everyone once again for an extended meditation outside. Alice wasn’t real into the idea of sitting around for an hour and doing nothing, in her eyes, but still gave it a go. It was all about slowing down and being instead of constantly going onto the next thing. She liked the concept but every time she felt like she was concentrating on her breathing and letting go, some thought invaded her brain and pulled her right back to reality.

She stole a glance at JC, who looked completely peaceful and serene as he sat, arms at his sides, back straight, head bowed slightly. Either he was a natural or used to this; Alice guessed the latter. She shut her eyes yet again, conjuring up the image of JC in her mind’s eye as she focused on his body, how he carried himself, how relaxed he appeared… The last twenty minutes flew by as Alice was finally able to clear her mind and focus on something good. JC. It was always JC who she could look to during hard times to get her through. Still her coping mechanism, except now she had to face him when she opened her eyes. She didn’t know if that was better or worse than all the times she wished he had been there.

A nice salad and salmon entree was served for dinner and Alice tried her best not to moan at every bite. It was mouth watering delicious and she didn’t know how she was going to go back to Gordon Fisherman’s frozen salmon cakes after this. She was getting spoiled and she knew it.

As dinner wound down, Ivan grabbed everyone’s attention for a quick announcement. “Congratulations to you all on completing the first day of your journey with us. We’ve selected a heartwarming movie entitled Wings of Love to be shown in the lounge after dinner if you care to partake. I hope you all have a wonderful and restful evening.”

“I’m sure the movie’s great but I am in desperate need of a shower,” Alice stated quickly before a chocolate mousse tart was placed in front of her by one of the wait staff. “Now that’s what I’m talking about,” she eagerly dug in.

JC smiled as he watched Alice savor the delicacy. He took a small bite and tried to do the same but somehow Alice made it seem much more tasty than it was to him. Perhaps they had different pallets but JC knew deep inside it was because Alice was able to fully enjoy the experience and he still wasn’t. He missed enjoying food instead of just eating to survive.

“Hey, why don’t you swing by after your shower and we can have our own movie night?” JC suggested.

Alice nearly choked on her bite and fought to regain her composure. “You got a tv in your room?” she finally croaked out.

“No, but I got a phone and a Netflix subscription,” he said, deciding to not call attention to her current state. “Only if you want to, of course. No pressure.”

“Yeah, no, cool, that sounds great,” she tried to recover. She was working herself up for no reason, she tried to tell herself. She’d been alone with JC a few times already, this wasn’t a big deal. She silently cursed at Millie for putting the sex thoughts back in her head but, if she was being honest, they’d never actually left.

They headed back to their rooms with JC telling her to just knock when she was ready. Alice breathed once she entered her room, taking a moment to remind herself this was real life and not a sex fantasy. They were just going to watch a movie, nothing more.

Still, as the hot water of the shower spray hit Alice’s body, her hand found her way between her legs, letting herself get all her naughty thoughts out of the way beforehand. She’d only indulged a few times since her husband passed but she worked hard to concentrate fully on JC. The feel of him so close to her body, the warmth of his skin, his hot breath as he spoke…it wasn’t going to be as good in real life, she told herself, and wanted to have the fantasy one last time before she knew the difference.

It was almost 8:30pm by the time Alice was ready. She debated trying to dress up but everything she thought of seemed too forced so she settled for a t shirt and sweatpants before finally leaving her room and knocking next door.

“Good thing I can hear your shower or I’d think you forgot about me,” JC teased as he opened the door.

Alice froze. “You can hear my shower? What…what else can you hear?”

“Nothing I noticed,” JC brushed off as he headed into the room and laid on the bed, grabbing his phone from the end table. “So, what kind of movies do you like?”

Alice shut the door behind her and stared at JC then looked around the room. There was a chair on the side and a bench at the foot of the bed, just like her own room. “You want me to get in the bed with you?” she squeaked out.

“Oh, is that a problem?” JC sat up, trying to figure out what the issue was.

“No, not a problem per say, just…” Alice didn’t know what to say, it was too many emotions at once. She felt like running again.

JC looked over Alice’s slightly trembling figure for a few moments, not sure what to do. “We can figure something else out, if you want. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“No no, it’s fine, you’re fine. My own hang ups, that’s all,” Alice forced herself to say but still couldn’t get her feet to move.

They were still getting to know each other so JC didn’t have much to go on. “Oh shit,” the light bulb finally went off in JC’s brain. “You probably haven’t been in a bed with a guy since…” JC didn’t want to say it. “Totally get it,” he moved to stand up.

To tell the truth, that fact hadn’t even registered in Alice’s brain yet. It more had to do with who specifically that guy was in the bed but she didn’t want to tell him that. “Guess I gotta do it eventually,” she gave a small laugh.

JC watched Alice breathe as she tentatively made her way over, actively avoiding his gaze. She had one knee on the bed when JC put his hand on her shoulder. “Alice, I don’t want you doing anything you don’t want to do,” he told her as he felt her muscles tense underneath his fingers.

“It’s not that. It’s the very opposite of that,” Alice heard herself say then instantly felt her stomach tie up into a tight knot. “Fuck,” she muttered, still not looking at JC. Why did she have to bring it up again?

JC removed his hand and ran it through his hair as he took a step back. He’d almost forgotten Alice’s feelings for him…almost. The day had been going so well, he thought they had moved past it. “Alice, I think we better talk,” he said gently.

“I know, ok,” she said defensively, getting back to both her feet and walking across the room. “You must think I’m fucking crazy and you didn’t come here to deal with this and I’m sorry.” Alice could feel tears welling up and that just made her angrier at the situation.

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” JC tried to reassure her. “I just don’t understand.” Several beats passed. “Do you think you could explain it to me?”

“What?” Alice now looked at him in surprise. “You want me to tell you why I like you?”

“Well, yeah, actually,” JC admitted. “You said it’s been since the MMC days. Why like anyone that long? Why me?”

Alice blinked the tears out of her eyes in disbelief at JC’s request. Once again, her mouth had gotten her into trouble and she didn’t see any way out of it. “I don’t…I’m not really sure how to explain. It’s feelings, they aren’t tangible.”

“You said we met before. What happened that day?” JC sat on the edge of the bed.

“It wasn’t really anything of note,” Alice told him. “I mean, I can remember it clear as day but it wouldn’t stand out to you. I was just another fan.”

“So tell me what you remember.”

Alice gulped. He was going to think she was weird but she felt pretty sure that was already the case and figured at this point there was nothing left to lose…she’d lost so much already. “My friends and I caught you all after a concert one time. Early; after you’d come back from Europe but before the Disney Special. A lot easier to access you back then.”

“That early, huh? How’d you even know about us?”

“Told you, MMC fan. I grew up in Fruitland Park, still live there actually, so my parents would take me and my brother to Disney like twice a year. I was part of the fan club and usually able to get to one taping a season. So, I knew about *NSYNC as soon as you guys started publicizing the group. I still have my wristband from your first concert.”

“Do you mean the Beach Club?” JC asked in surprise.

“Yeah, I was there,” Alice said sheepishly. “I knew the band would be huge from the onset. Anyways, when you guys got back from Europe, I was finally old enough to make the drive without my parents. My girlfriends and I caught you at some fair and we were finally able to talk with you afterwards.”

“Just me or the whole band?”

“All of you. You were all so gracious, especially after just having performed. We got some pictures and you each signed some autographs. Like I said, nothing that would really stand out to you.”

“Well what stood out to you?”

“That…that you guys were all so down to earth, like you could have just been regular guys at my high school. Believe it or not, I was even more awkward back then so talking to such talented and good looking guys was way too intimidating for me so I mostly stuck to the sides. Lance and I ended up doing commentary on everything we were watching. He was such a sweet guy to make sure I was included.”

“Still is,” JC smiled, thinking how far Lance had come since those early days. “I guess I’m still not understanding the big deal though.”

“I was too scared to talk to you. I didn’t want you to think anything bad about me so I just watched. My friend Becca was much more outgoing and you, well, you were definitely flirting with her hard. She told me later you guys went on a date but she refused to give me any details so I still have no clue if it even happened.”

JC searched his brain but it was so long ago, he couldn’t remember. “Alice, if we didn’t really talk, how could you like me? We didn’t know each other.”

“I know that, logically…” Alice told him. She frowned and realized her explanation wasn’t cutting it, mostly because she didn’t know how to make it make sense. She sighed and settled for some hard truths, trying to tell herself God was giving her a second chance at telling JC how she felt, even if it went horribly wrong. “You started out as a cute boy on my tv. So unbelievably talented. It was exciting to see where you’d go in life.”

“It’s sweet of you to have believed so much in me,” JC told her.

“I think…that day, it changed. The way you looked at Becca, like you were interested in her…I wished you would have looked at me like that. I wished anyone would have looked at me like that.”

“Oh,” JC said quietly, trying to take it all in. 

“Becca and I were both part of the color guard so we hung out a lot. She was petite and pretty, bubbly and tan. While not one of the “popular” kids, still very well liked. And I was…me, the polar opposite.”

JC looked at Alice, really looked at her. She was nearly his height with straight, dirty blonde hair. He wouldn’t say she was fat but she certainly wasn’t skinny either. Sturdy…strong…thick…JC wasn’t sure what to call it but she definitely gave off the vibe that she wasn’t secure in it. Her skin itself was on the pale side and all in all, she looked exactly like how she described herself earlier that morning: tired.

“I know I didn’t know you really but I…you were exactly like how you came across in interviews so it felt like I did know you on some level. I knew I wasn’t ever going to be the girl that turned your head…but I wanted to be. I worked at it, I really did but I never got there. I couldn’t shrink or be model thin. I couldn’t be the girl you wanted, that any man wanted.”

JC couldn’t keep the mild horror off his face. “Alice, you shouldn’t change yourself for anyone, especially me. I didn’t…I didn’t realize…” JC couldn’t continue, suddenly the weight of feelings of so many fans bearing down on him. How many other young women had tried to morph themselves into his ideal partner? He knew he’d let so many people down over the years but he didn’t know it had been quite to this degree.

“It wasn’t really you, JC,” Alice tried to explain, seeing the distress on his face. “You came to represent everything I wanted from a man, from life. You were sweet and honest, funny but serious. You had clear career goals. You were talented and passionate and good with money. Plus you were good looking on top of all that. Who wouldn’t fall head over heels for you?”

“Far more than you’d think,” JC chuckled sadly.

“You became the gold standard, the ideal I held every other guy up to. None of them came close, at least, none that would give me the time of day. Eventually, everyone got married, started having babies and it was just me so…I settled. I realized I’d never find someone as good as you.”

“I think you’d feel a lot different if you actually knew me. I’m not the guy you think I am, not even close.”

“Closer than you give yourself credit for but you’re right, I don’t know you, not really. Parts I do but I’ve let my imagination fill in the blanks over the years to what I wanted them to be. I…I’m sorry I did that to you,” Alice hung her head.

JC stood up and walked over to Alice, lifting her chin with his finger tip to meet her glistening eyes. “You don’t have to apologize,” JC told her. “It’s understandable to…think of something or someone different than the reality of what you have,” he phrased carefully. “I’m actually a little flattered you picked me to be the exoskeleton,” he blushed.

“You’re more than just a pretty face, JC. You’ve always come off as a genuinely nice guy. There aren’t many I’ve encountered over the years,” Alice told him.

“Well, you’re gonna get to know the real me this week. No Hollywood editing or curated image, just me. It’s gonna ruin the mystique though, just be warned.”

A small part of Alice almost didn’t want it. She liked her JC, perfect and comforting and safe. She didn’t want reality intruding on her last bit of refuge from her normal everyday hell of life. Yet, she wished almost nightly to have one more shot with JC. To not let her fear blow it for her yet again. To give herself a chance. She couldn’t make the same mistake twice, even if it didn’t work out in the end.

“I’d like that, JC,” she smiled back at him. “Who knows, maybe you’ll be wrong and I’ll just end up falling more in love with you.” Alice’s smile quickly faded as her eyes widened at her own statement. “Jesus Christ, I really don’t know when to shut up.”

JC gave a hearty laugh and pulled her into a tight hug. Some odd part of JC wanted to take care of her, like he was responsible for some of the hurt she exuded. He knew that wasn’t true; he might not remember the day but he didn’t doubt her recollection. He always tried to be courteous and friendly to everyone he met but he usually only put the extra effort in for girls he found attractive. He felt guilty he hadn’t been more attentive to Alice that day instead of her friend.

“Are we good?” JC pulled back and asked.

“Yeah, of course. I feel like I should be asking you that instead,” Alice stated. “Could be a chance to relive the glory days and throw another crazy fan out of your room.”

Once again, JC laughed at Alice’s unfiltered humor. Maybe it was regret he was feeling at not having given her a chance more than guilt. “Still up for a movie?” he tried to lighten the mood.

“Anything that will let me stop thinking about how awkward this all is,” she joked. “Is the bed still an option?”

“Only if you’re ok with it,” JC reminded her.

“Yeah, that…that helped. Thanks for listening and not making me feel like too much of a looney bin for what I said.”

“Alice, feelings aren’t always rational. I get them in general but I still don’t understand how they can be about me. I’m grateful you took the time to explain.”

“I don’t think I explained very well…”

“You did great,” he smiled at her. “Okay, what are you in the mood for?” he went and stretched out in the bed.

“Comedy, definitely a comedy,” Alice told him as she crawled onto the other side.

“Did you ever see Mascots?”

“The Christopher Guest movie? Not since it came out a few years ago but I could definitely watch it again. I love his stuff.”

“Me too,” JC smiled again and pulled up the movie. He started to settle in, moving his arm behind Alice’s back. “Is this ok?”

“Yeah, you’re good,” she confirmed, curling into him slightly. His body felt better than she had imagined just an hour earlier and she was happy she could finally enjoy the physical comfort of him. Her confession of her feelings was still fresh in her mind but she was relieved to get it off her chest. This was the happiest she’d felt in months…years really and she forced herself to listen to her therapist’s advice and not overthink it. She was laying in bed, watching a movie with her dream man. For this brief moment, it was finally real and life was perfect.