Day 2

“You look well rested,” JC smiled as Alice walked into the lounge the next morning, handing her a mini muffin.

“I am. I’m guessing you are too since you beat me here,” Alice smiled back. She had slept well, a first in such a long time, but truthfully she was running on endorphins from the night before. They’d simply watched the movie, cuddled together on the bed, laughing at all the same parts. Alice tried hard to reign herself in, knowing the truth of the situation but the first stirrings of hope were spurring her on. She knew nothing romantic would happen but just finally getting one night with JC, innocent as it may have been, was enough to let her start to think her luck might be changing.

JC could sense the lightness in Alice this morning. It was the most relaxed she’d appeared since they met two days ago. She deserved some solace from her everyday worries and insecurities and JC was happy he could help her in some small way with that. The sun was shining just a little bit brighter this morning in JC’s eyes as it began to rise.

The two sipped their coffee as Ivan once again handed out their envelopes for their morning hike. A knowing smile passed his lips as he saw the obvious bond the two were forming, the awkwardness finally gone, as he knew it would be.

Alice’s smile faded as she opened the envelope. “You have got to be kidding me.”

JC leaned over as Alice tilted the paper towards him. “Six miles!” he exclaimed.

“Our Cardinal Mountain Hike is designed to show you the benefits of tackling your toughest of challenges,” the card read. “This six mile trek is a reminder that putting the hard work into ourselves will pay off at the end. Due to the length and intensity of this hike, morning exercises may be skipped.”

“I think I’d rather do the Tai Chi,” Alice grumbled. She didn’t mind hiking but she was out of practice. Her husband loved to hike early in their relationship and it was an activity she had come to enjoy doing with him. Sometimes she wondered if that’s why he’d stopped wanting to go.

“I hope sneaks will be ok,” JC looked at his bright multicolored Nikes.

“Can’t mess those up, I know they’re custom,” Alice pointed out then quickly shut her eyes, admonishing herself. “Sorry,” she whispered.

“Well, you aren’t wrong,” JC chuckled and finished his coffee. He knew talking about her crush on him last night wasn’t going to make it magically disappear but JC really didn’t want things to go back to awkward again. He brushed it off and reminded himself that she only knew the superfluous things about him, not truly who he was on the inside. She would though and JC almost regretted that her fantasy of him would be coming to a screeching halt soon enough.

The couple stuffed their pockets with a few pieces of fruit and set forth on their hike. The map led them to the very edge of the main property. The beginning of the path showed a beautiful landscape of foliage that seemed much more inviting than the pair had anticipated.

The sign at the start, however, gave a different warning: “Looks can be deceiving. This path will be challenging but you are prepared for the journey. What is something you’ve experienced that you thought would be much easier than it actually turned out to be?”

JC let out a huge breath of air and dived right in as he started to walk. “My solo career. Definitely my solo career.”

“I liked your album…and the tracks I heard off the second.”

“Thanks,” JC sighed then recovered himself a bit. “I mean, thank you, honestly. That’s very sweet but I just…the whole experience is very bittersweet. I’m very proud of what I did but I didn’t always feel supported with what I was doing. Not by the fans though, the fans were great but by the record label. They were so supportive of Justin and he deserved every ounce of that but they just…they didn’t believe in me or didn’t want to work with me…I don’t know. I still don’t have an answer.”

“If this was one of your friends going through the same thing, what would you tell them?”

“Get everything in writing,” JC gave a sad chuckle. “Seriously, I’d probably tell them to fight harder for support. If your gut is telling you something is off, go with that feeling. Ask for more guidance, more feedback. Don’t let people simply say “Yeah, it’s good” and leave it at that. I try to give genuine feedback to the artists I work with cuz I want them to know their talent and their voice is valued. I love how experimental my first record was but being that out there cost me the chance to share my voice when I finally found it.”

“You needed to live more life first,” Alice said gently. “Sometimes we need to go through the hard stuff to find ourselves at the end of it.”

“Is that what you’re doing?”

“I’ll tell you once I’m through it if I got some big revelation at the end.”

“So what’s your thing you thought would be easy but wasn’t?”

“Does just general life count?”

“No,” JC laughed. “I don’t know anyone who thought life would be easy.”

“Fair,” Alice agreed and thought about it as the trail slowly climbed upward. “Dating, I think, or just…finding the right person to spend my life with.”

“I hope I didn’t contribute to the problem,” JC said earnestly.

“A little but, again, it wasn’t you, it was me projecting,” Alice admitted. “I didn’t date a lot in high school but then college came and went then moving into the working world…when I met Donny, it was someone who seemed finally interested in me beyond just a drunken hook up and I…I ignored a lot of things to live the life all my friends were.”

“Is Donny your husband?”

“Yeah,” Alice said sadly, not looking at JC as they continued on. “Well, he was, I guess.”

“Were things not good when he died?”

“That’s a mild understatement,” Alice laughed, her mind flashing back to that night and forcing the thoughts away. “Honestly, I’m not sure when they were good. The first couple months maybe.”

“Didn’t you say you were together for like fourteen years or something?” Alice nodded her agreement. “How could only the first few months be good for you to be together that long?”

“Like I said, I ignored a lot of stuff and some of it grew even bigger because I didn’t address it. Of course, some of it got worse specifically because I did mention it.”

“Makes sense now why you said the last time you were happy was when Patrick was born.”

“Well, you know the old saying: gotta sleep in the bed you made, or something like that.”

“You could have gotten a new bed,” JC pointed out.

“I could have. I thought about it, a lot, but I never did. Would have been the better choice than how it all actually played out.”

The trail came to a clearing where the next sign was perched. “How did you overcome these situations or have you? When things got tough, did you rise to the occasion or did you let it affect you in an adverse way? Now is the time to face your challenge and overcome it.”

“Does everyone get these questions or do they bug our rooms at night?” Alice asked.

JC gave a small smile as he looked past the clearing to the break in the trees where the path resumed, the first few feet visibly taking a sharper incline than the first section. “This is gonna suck.”

“It always does,” Alice patted his back as she started up again.

“So, how do you think you can conquer those demons?” JC inquired as he followed.

“Well, being here is a good step,” Alice stated. “Seeing the past for what it truly was is…hard, but needed. My self worth never has been great but it’s taken quite a beating as of late, which I guess is better than…” Alice cut herself off, not wanting to make an all too true joke that would just lead to more questions. The last thing she wanted was JC’s pity. “Eventually I’d like to start dating again but I feel like that’s a long way off. Even then, finding a single guy at my age, who can deal with all my baggage? Already feels pretty daunting.”

“How’d you meet Donny?”

“He got hired as a new dispatcher at my old job and I was in charge of training him.”

“Dispatcher?”

“I used to be a 911 operator years ago.”

“Jesus, that’s gotta take nerves of steel to keep people calm through such traumatic situations.”

“Yeah, it, uh, it was a good job. I really liked being able to help people in need but, you know, it can wear you out,” Alice replied, not wanting to get into how complicated her personal and professional life had become because of Donny. “Anyway, I work as an admin for a small family owned insurance agency now and they’ve been really amazing with everything. Very flexible and understanding, it turned out for the best.”

“So, did you two start dating while you were still working together?”

“Yes and no. He asked me out a couple times while we were training but I only relented once he was up and running and on a different shift. He was very…persistent. It was nice to have someone who actually wanted to date me. It was different.”

JC couldn’t tell if Alice was exaggerating the truth or not but he knew she believed the version of events she was giving him. “And it was good at first, you said?”

“Yeah, I mean, every relationship is good at the beginning. He was kind of a smart ass but I liked that for some reason…made me feel like I could speak my mind, somebody I could mentally spar with, you know.”

“That seems like a good thing.”

“Yeah, seemed like it,” Alice took in a big gulp of air as they continued to ascend the trail. “Not really how that turned out though.”

“When did you two get married?” 

“About two years in. To be honest, I look back and wonder why he even wanted to get married. I asked him one time but he never gave me a straight answer.”

“Why did you say yes?”

“Because…because I wanted to be like everyone else. I was sick of being left out because I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough or too smart or too tough. I was always either too much or not enough for everyone.”

“But not for Donny.”

“No, especially for Donny. He’d point it out every chance he could. I thought he was just trying to help me be a better person or something.” Alice stopped walking for a moment. “Actually, that’s a lie. That’s what I kept telling myself he was doing to excuse it. A part of me always resented him for it but I felt like if I wanted a family, this was my only option.”

JC stared back at Alice as he caught his breath. Nothing about this guy sounded good and JC felt a little guilty that it almost seemed like a blessing he had died, allowing Alice and Patrick to start over. One glaring thing was standing out to him however. “Did you ever love him?”

“I did,” Alice said hesitantly. “I think, whatever we had, was as close to love as I know it. I guess I mean that I know there’s something better out there and I hope I get to experience it but I haven’t yet so I don’t have a frame of reference.”

“I admire your strength, Alice.”

“More like stubbornness or blindness or stupidity or…” Alice started walking again but JC grabbed her shoulder and stopped her.

“Alice, I can’t relate to a lot of what you're saying but I can see the personal sacrifices you made to achieve your dreams.” JC wanted desperately to put a positive spin on what he was hearing. Alice was a sweet woman and Donny seemed like a bad guy who knew exactly how to exploit her for it. He didn’t want to use the word he was thinking of for the whole situation; he wanted Alice to get there on her own.

Instead, Alice took the opportunity to switch the conversation back to focus on JC. “So how about you? How have you dealt with everything that happened after you split with Jive?”

Now it was JC who started back up the mountain. “I dealt with it. I never really wanted to be a solo artist in the first place so it was just confirmation it was the wrong path for me. I didn’t have a band to perform with anymore so I pivoted to writing and producing and working with new artists, which I truly love. It worked out.”

“Did it?”

“Yeah, of course it did. I’m happy doing what I’m doing.”

“JC, if you were happy, you wouldn’t need to be here.”

He stopped abruptly at Alice’s words, like they took a slice out of his stomach. He knew she was right but he hadn’t considered his issues might be rooted in his music. “I can’t put my finger on it,” he confessed. “I should be happy. I’ve had an extraordinary life. I have an amazing girlfriend and more than enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my days. That should be enough.”

Alice decided to jump at the question that had been nagging her the past two days. “You said you’ve been feeling this way for three years or so. Do you realize what was three years ago?”

“Is this some *NSYNC anniversary thing because I never remember those,” JC chuckled.

“The star ceremony, JC.”

“Oh yeah. Jesus, that long ago? Ok, I don’t get what that has to do with anything though.”

“How did you feel that day?”

“Grateful. Grateful most of all but also overwhelmed, humbled…just, sometimes I forget how truly amazing our fans still are.”

“How was it to be back with the guys?”

“Oh, it’s always like old times, instantly. We just shit on each other the whole time, it was great,” he gave a hearty laugh that Alice noted didn’t quite reach his eyes. There was a sadness in them that JC clearly wasn’t addressing.

“Do you miss them?”

“Of course. I spent every day of my life for like seven years with them but it’s like college; everyone moves on but we’ll always be bonded by the experience.”

“Sometimes I miss college. There was still so much promise in the air, like I thought I could conquer the world before it conquered me.”

“Apt analogy,” JC sighed and started climbing again.

“You still in touch with all of them?”

“Oh yeah, Lance lives like twenty minutes away and I see the other guys whenever they come to town. We’re pretty constantly texting in some fashion.”

“Ah yes, the infamous group text.”

“I don’t know why people care so much. We’re mostly just assholes to each other, it’s never anything serious.”

“Do you wish it was?”

“Sometimes but if I really need to talk, I’ll just call one of them. Five people is hard to corral no matter who they are but make them fathers and husbands and global superstars, it’s a logistical nightmare.”

“Do you wish it wasn’t?”

“Of course. Chris has this big dream for the five of us to go on vacation together but it still hasn’t worked out. Not only with everyone’s schedules but trying to find somewhere we could all discreetly go? More than two of us together is pandemonium.”

“So make the time.”

“It’s not that easy, Alice. I know you know that.” Alice stopped to catch her breath while looking pointedly at JC. After a few steps, he turned around to see her staring at him. “What?”

“You aren’t seeing the correlation here?”

“No,” he said a little more angrily than he intended.

Alice walked up to meet him. “You miss your friends, JC.”

“Yeah, and? We all have different priorities now. We do the best we can.”

“Would it be so hard to make each other the priority, even just for a weekend? A little reminder of the old times?”

“Well that’s just it. It can never be the way it was, no matter how hard I wish it.” JC looked at Alice perplexed as her face widened in a smile and she began climbing again. “What? What did I say?”

Alice remained silent as she grabbed a banana from her pocket and started eating. This trek was rigorous and while she didn’t have a watch, she knew they’d been going for at least an hour. Her calves were beginning to scream but as long as her feet held up, she knew she could push through.

JC was busy replaying his responses when another sign greeted them. “You’re almost there! What is the motivator that will get you to overcome your past to make way for a brighter future?”

“I don’t understand,” JC grew frustrated. “Like I said, I got over how my solo career went. I made a nice little life for myself and my girl. All the other guys did the same. So, what is there to figure out?”

“Something,” Alice said bluntly. “Something’s unresolved.”

“And you know that because?”

“Besides you getting an attitude right now? I know it because I know *NSYNC history. The band never got closure, a proper goodbye. That’s why fans still hope so hard for a reunion. They deserve to have some finality but moreover you guys do too.”

“Christ, not you too with the reunion shit,” JC said exasperatedly, marching past Alice.

“That’s not entirely what I’m saying but it’s clearly a hot button issue,” Alice called after him, trying to keep up.

“We’ve tried, ok. We’ve talked about it, really talked about it, but we can’t come to a consensus. All five of us have to agree and, like I said, just carving out time to chat is hard enough. A tour, recording an album, picking a direction or concept of how we want it to go? It’s not working so it just…it is what it is.”

“I say that a lot too. “It is what it is.” It sounds on the surface like it’s coming to terms with things but it’s not. There’s lament in that statement.”

“I can’t control what other people say, what they want, where they are in their lives. I can only control me.”

“Are you? When you guys talk, are you telling them how you are feeling? Are you stating what you want or already going in believing things won’t work because of various external factors and staying quiet?”

JC stopped and turned to Alice wide eyed, almost like he was seeing her for the first time. The real her that lived beneath the broken shell that was trying desperately to get out. “I…uh…” JC stammered.

Alice once again walked up to meet him face to face. “JC, you have to use your voice. I don’t just mean with singing but tell them what you want. They may not agree but they’ll listen.”

“I’m not really sure what it is I do want,” JC nearly whispered.

“Take some time to think about it. Like, really think it through. Stop worrying about all the obstacles and red tape for a moment and just let yourself believe anything is possible. You’ll find the answer there.” Alice raised her hand to cup JC’s cheek tenderly. She held his gaze for just a moment until she brought herself back to the reality of what she was doing. “Shit, sorry,” she backed away and turned down her eyes.

“No, you…you’re fine,” JC breathed, watching her shrink back into herself. He didn’t understand how anyone could be mean to this woman. “So what’s your game plan?”

“Like I said, I’m here,” Alice said as they started hiking again, albeit somewhat slower. “I gotta get my shit straight for my kid. Patrick deserves better than he’s gotten thus far from me.”

“You’re doing the best you can.”

“If I was doing my best, I would have gotten a new bed,” she deadpanned. “Right now I’m just trying to come to terms with a lot of hard truths and accept my role in them.”

“Alice, Donny being a jackass isn’t your fault.”

“No, it’s not but allowing him to be, convincing myself to stay time and time again, keeping Patrick in that environment…those are decisions and consequences I’m trying to deal with. I want to take responsibility for my actions and, maybe same as you, know that not all of it I could control. That’s where I’m at.”

“That’s an incredibly mature way to look at it.”

“I’d share that with my therapist but she’d probably charge more if she knew all her psycho babble was working.”

JC let out a labored laugh as they trudged along. “Well, you said you were interested in dating again at some point? What are you looking for in a guy?”

“You asking me out?” Alice turned to ask, catching JC off guard. “Don’t answer that,” she stated before JC could respond. “That was definitely a trap.” Alice took a moment before answering his question. “I don’t really know. Someone kind. Someone to cuddle with as we watch tv. Who’s good with Patrick, obviously. Ideally someone who would show him what being a father is actually supposed to be like. My brother does an amazing job but he’s got his own kids he needs to be taking care of.”

“Sounds like very reasonable expectations.”

“I’m getting this weird do over at life, it feels like. I don’t want to fuck it up again. I can’t fuck it up again.”

“What did you say earlier? You gotta go through the hard stuff to find yourself. It sounds like you know now that you deserve better than what you settled for with Donny. That’s important to know your worth.”

“I wish it didn’t take him dying for me to figure that out,” she said sullenly.

“Take the silver lining where you can get it,” JC smiled at her.

“Speaking of,” Alice said as she stepped onto a plateau. JC followed and gasped at the view. They really had climbed a mountain, he realized as he took in the valley below. The trees were filled with a multitude of autumn leaves that danced in the breeze and slowly scattered across a lake.

“Shit, this is beautiful,” JC said, awestruck.

“I’ve only seen stuff like this in pictures. I never thought…” Alice’s voice began to waver so she stopped speaking. JC looked over at her taking it all in and wrapped his hand around hers. She squeezed it tight as he pulled her closer into a side hug as they both continued to enjoy the view.

“Congratulations,” the sign perched to the side read. “Let this hike today be a forever reminder that while the paths we take in life can be challenging, there will always be peace and comfort once we see it to completion. You have shown you can overcome adversity by reaching this point. Please take a moment to contemplate on how you can apply that thinking to your daily life before beginning your descent.”

The two stood silently as they both reflected on their arduous hike. JC felt winded and tired, another reminder he wasn’t as young as he used to be. He never thought he’d have an issue with aging but he missed the energy you used to have. He couldn’t perform like he used to, none of them could, even Justin. People didn’t want to see out of shape guys sing their big dance hits and simply wander around the stage all night.

JC thought back to the Coachella performance. The rehearsals for a song and a half took a bigger toll on his body than he could remember having ever happened before but the moves still  came naturally. There was a fluidity that remained inside him, it was just finding how to make that work with his larger frame and aging joints. It was possible but it would take a lot of work, work JC wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to put in.

Alice’s eyes brimmed with tears as she looked out over the horizon. It was moments like this she always craved. Even when she and Donny did go hiking, he’d never stop to take in their surroundings. It was always about conquering nature, never appreciating it. Alice realized what she really wanted was for someone to sit back and enjoy the view with.

She turned her eyes up to look at JC, who was clearly lost in thought. This moment was all the more special because he was there to share it with. Alice realized, however, it was partially because of him being the man she’d been getting to know over the past couple days rather than the pop star she’d been in love with for thirty years. She sighed and leaned into him, knowing this week would be the only time she’d ever get to enjoy this feeling with him and determined to soak every ounce of enjoyment from it.

“Hey Alice,” JC finally spoke up. “I think we have a problem.”

“What’s that?” she played off nonchalantly, trying to rationalize that he couldn’t magically be reading the thoughts in her head.

“How are we supposed to get down the mountain?”

Alice broke into a full blown laugh. “I say we stay here until they send a search party. They’re used to that with me by now,” she smiled and laid her head back on JC’s chest contentedly, savoring this moment of fantasy and reality meeting perfectly.