Prologue
We've never been to any awards shows in matching Ken and Barbie denim. There's never been any pictures of us cuddling in Hawaii on the pages of Us Magazine. But I've always been there. Never spoken of, never written about. But I've always been there. As clever and intrusive as the press can be, somehow they've never managed to unearth me. I'm not famous or internationally known. I'm not a pop icon or a movie star. I'm an ordinary woman. There's not a thing about me that's special. So I really couldn't tell you what always brings him back to me. I don't know why I always welcome him back with open arms.
I tell myself that every time will be the last time. That the next time he calls, I'll just hang up. But I can never do it. Something about the sound of his voice melts all of my resolve.
It's after eleven on a Saturday night when he calls. There's a storm brewing outside and I'm listening to a cd and drinking white wine. As soon as the phone rings, somehow, I know that it's him.
I stare at the phone, willing it to stop ringing. But it doesn't. I hold out as long as I can, but eventually I have to pick it up. "Hello?"
"Can I come over?" No hello. No how are you. No introduction of any kind. Just the same question as always. But it's not really a question, is it?
"You can't even bother to say hello?"
When he speaks again, his voice is softer, lower. "I'm sorry, baby. I just really need to see you. Is it alright?" I can almost feel his words like a whisper of breath against my skin.
"I don't know if that's a good idea."
"Please, Kayla. You don't know how much I've missed you."
I let out the deep breath I've been holding and do what I always do. I give in. "Fine."
"Alright. I'm just up the road. See you in a few."
I hang up the phone and go check out my reflection in the mirror. Just to look at me, no one would ever guess that I was so weak. I splash myself with water, hoping to take some of the flush from my light brown cheeks. I smooth my disheveled brown hair back into a ponytail and have just enough time to put on a little lip gloss before I hear the knock at my door.
I wait a second, trying to collect myself before I finally swing the door open. Every time, it's like seeing him for the first time all over again. His bright blue eyes sweep over me in a knowing way and I have to suppress the full body shiver this causes.
I don't say anything, I just step aside to give him room to come in.
"You look good Kay." He raises his hand and lets his fingertips graze my jaw. "Sometimes I forget how absolutely beautiful you are."
I swipe his hand away from my face and fold my arms across my chest. "Why are you here, Justin?"
"I told you. I just needed to see you."
"Why?"
"I didn't want to be alone tonight."
"If you want company, why don't you go and see your real girlfriend? You know. The woman that you're not ashamed to be seen with in public."
"Why would you say something like that, Kayla? I'm not ashamed to be seen with you."
"Oh, then I guess my invitation to every important event that's taken place in your life for the past six years must have gotten lost in the mail."
"It's not like that."
"Then why don't you tell me what it's like."
He takes a step closer to me and I back up. "I didn't come here to argue with you, baby."
"I'm not your baby. And I think we both know why you came here tonight."
He lets out a harsh, humorless laugh. "You think I just came here for sex? Sweetheart, I could get a piece of ass anywhere, anytime, from anyone that I wanted."
"Really? Then maybe you should do that, cause I'm not going to sleep with you. I'm tired of being a glorified booty call for you."
"You know I don't think of you that way. We don't have to do anything. I just need to be with you."
"Why do you keep saying that?"
"Because it's true. No one makes me feel the way that you do. No one knows what I want and what I need the way that you do."
This time when he steps towards me, I don't move away. He hugs me and lays his head against my shoulder. "I've missed you so fucking much. It tears me up when we're apart."
"Who's fault is that Justin? I'm always here. You're the one that disappears for months at a time. While you're off globe trotting with the love of your life, I'm stuck here wondering if I'm ever going to hear from you again. How do you think that makes me feel?"
He lifts his head and stares into my eyes. "She is not the love of my life. Sometimes I can't even stand to be around her. We argue all the time."
I shrug out of his embrace and go to sit on the sofa. I reach over to the coffee table and pour myself another glass of wine. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
He doesn't even bother to answer me. He just strides into my kitchen and roots around in the refrigerator, helping himself to a beer. He gets the bottle opener from a drawer and takes a long sip, before coming back into the living room and sitting down beside me.
The storm must be picking up because I can hear the rain pounding against the roof. Justin puts his beer down next to my wine glass and goes over to the stereo. He flips through my cd collection until he finds the one he's looking for. I already know what it's going to be even before I hear the first note. Al Green's Greatest Hits comes to life in my cd player. He is so fucking predictable.
He comes back over to me, grabs his beer and sits down.
"What are you doing in Atlanta? And please don't bother to say that you just came to see me. We both know that's a lie."
"I'm working with Dallas Austin. I've also been trying to get a hold of T.I. I've got a track that I want him to rhyme on."
I don't bother to hide the smirk that rises to my lips. "Still trying to win over that urban fanbase, huh? Imagine how much street cred you'd get if they knew that you occasionally fuck an honest to god black woman."
"Why are you giving me this attitude Kay?"
"You're sitting here like everything is just perfect. Do you even realize that it's been almost five months since I've seen you or heard from you?"
"That's not exactly true. Didn't you get the postcards I sent?"
"Are you serious? Was I supposed to be appeased by a few measly postcards? Postcards that you sent me while you were on vacation in Hawaii with that bitch."
"I was thinking of you."
"That's pretty pathetic, even for you."
"I'm sorry that I can't be with you more often, it's just not possible right now. But don't I take good care of you? I bought you this house and a nice car. I make sure that you have everything that you could ever want or need."
"Do you want a cookie? Given the circumstances, buying this house and throwing a few dollars my way is the least that you can do. But I've never wanted your money Justin. I just want you."
"I'm here now. Isn't there some way I can make things up to you?" He leans into me and traces my ear with the tip of his tongue. "I'd do anything for you, you know that."
He starts kissing my neck and I can feel his fingers creeping under my skirt. His soft, warm hand brushing against my thigh. I sit there paralyzed by his touch. Everything about him is like an aphrodisiac to me. The way he kisses, the feel of his skin, even the way he smells. It all turns me on so much. I gather what remains of my pride and self control and push him away.
"So that's it. You show up here with a bunch of 'please baby please' bullshit, cue up the slow jams, nibble on my neck and I guess my legs are just supposed to fall open for you. Is that the way you think it works?"
He falls back against the sofa with a sour look on his face. "That's the way it usually works."
I stand up and walk around the coffee table. "That's it. I want you to get up and get the fuck out of here. Right now."
He jumps up and starts yelling. "This is my motherfucking house. I don't have to go any damn where."
"Will you keep your voice down? What's wrong with you, yelling like that?"
His anger deflates instantly. "I'm sorry. Please Kayla."
"I don't want to hear it Justin. You may have paid for this house, but it's still mine and I want you to leave."
He places his hand on my chin and tilts my head up, forcing me to meet his eyes. "Is that what you really want?"
"Yes." My voice sounds weak and unconvincing even to my own ears.
"I don't believe you. I think you want me to stay." He leans in and presses his mouth to my ear. "You know I can make it good for you baby. Please let me make love to you Kayla. Please, I need you."
A loud clap of thunder tears through the sky and suddenly the whole house goes dark. I pull away and make my way into the kitchen with Justin following close behind me. I feel around in the drawers until I find a flashlight, some candles and a book of matches. I take the flashlight and Justin starts lighting candles.
"I'll be right back. I need to make sure everything's okay."
A guilty look comes over Justin's face. "Do you want me to go with you?"
"Absolutely not."
I step to the back of the house and check on. . .well, I check on everything. When I get back to the kitchen, Justin has all the candles lit. He looks at me and something in his eyes takes all the fight out of me. I know this is stupid. I know that he's just using me, but still I want him. I want him so much that I can't keep trying to deny it. I'm going to hate myself in the morning, but that's not enough to stop me from sleeping with him tonight.
I pick up two candles from the counter and start walking towards my bedroom. I don't have to look to know that Justin is right behind me. I put the candles I'm carrying on the bureau and Justin puts his on my bedside table. I shut my door and we just stand in the middle of the room looking at each other in the flickering candlelight.
Justin tucks his fingers into the band of my skirt and pulls me closer to him. He catches my lips in a kiss that tears the breath right from my body. He slips his hands around my waist and slowly slides down my zipper. He pushes my skirt until it falls away from my full hips and lands at my feet in a puddle.
I drop my hands down to his waist and unbuckle his belt. The baggy jeans he's wearing slide off his slim hips as soon as I unzip them. He toes off his tennis shoes and steps out of the jeans almost at the same time.
He pulls his mouth away from mine just long enough to pull my shirt over my head. He lets out a soft sigh in appreciation of the fact that I'm not wearing a bra. He cups my breasts in his hands, kneading them softly, rubbing slow circles around my nipples.
I run my hand against the outline of his erection and he releases a long, low moan into my mouth. He ends our kiss and leads me over to the bed. He puts his hands on my shoulders and gently pushes me until I sit down. I lean back and prop myself up on my elbows.
Justin kneels in front of me and hooks his fingers into my underwear, slowly peeling them off. I raise my hips slightly aiding him in the removal. He runs his hands up my thighs, parting them as he goes. He lowers himself between my legs until all I can see is the top of his head. He spreads me open with his fingers and licks his way deep within my folds. I bite my bottom lip in an effort to stifle the scream that wants to explode from my mouth. He licks, sucks, and teases his way around my aching center. Using his lips, fingers and tongue to drive me over the edge.
Justin stands up and slides off his boxers, giving me time to catch my breath and recover from the intense pleasure coursing through my body. I move over to the center of the bed and he joins me. He crawls over my body, placing hot, wet kisses on every inch of skin he encounters. I smooth my hands over the sleek low cut hair that's hugging his head and pull him down into a kiss. I slip my tongue between his slightly parted lips and slide it against his. Our bodies are grinding together and I can feel how much he wants me.
He takes his kiss from my mouth to my jaw line. He reaches over to my bedside table and pulls a condom out of the drawer. His breath is warm and comforting against my skin when he whispers in my ear. "How do you want it?"
I look up into his beautiful blue eyes and all independent thought flies from my head. I barely even recognize my own voice when I answer him. "Whatever you want."
He flips me over and I automatically position myself on all fours. He moves behind me and I can hear the condom packet being ripped. His arms slides around my waist and I can feel him pressing against my opening. He thrusts against me and my wetness allows him to enter me fully, with just one stroke.
Justin moves in me, thrusting in a steady rhythm. He firmly cradles my hips in his hands as he rides me from behind. I can feel him bend over my back. His breath against my shoulders. The warm wetness of his tongue sweeping up the curve of my spine.
He clutches me against his chest with one hand, while the other begins a downward journey. His hand travels down my stomach, inching further and further until he finds what he's looking for. His thrusts are still controlled but come faster and harder, while he strokes my clitoris with his thumb. I can feel my inner muscles clenching and fluttering around him and I know that I am so close.
"I love you Kayla. I love you so much."
His words are my undoing. I come all around him, his name tripping off my lips. "Oh god, Justin. I love you too."
He continues to move inside of me until I can feel him trembling against my back. His own orgasm working its way through his body. He slides out of me and gently eases me back down to the bed. He kisses the crook of my neck and then gets off the bed.
"Be right back." He goes into the bathroom and closes the door behind him.
I turn over onto my back and pull the covers up over my body. Seconds later Justin comes back and slides into bed beside me. He pulls my head onto his chest and lightly strokes his fingers through my hair. The rain seems to have lessened to just a light patter tapping against the windows.
"I know I haven't been a good man Kayla. But I really do care about you. You believe me, don't you?"
After all he's put me through, how can I believe that? But when I look up into his eyes, I just can't say no. "Yes, Justin. I believe you."
I lay my head against his chest and fall asleep to the steady beating of his heart.
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The first thing I see when my eyes flutter open is the blown out candles on my bedside table. I don't have to feel around on the bed to know that there is only an empty space beside me. I know that Justin is long gone. All traces of him removed like he was never here at all.
I look at my alarm clock for the time but it's stuck at a quarter to twelve. That's when I remember that the lights went out last night. I look at my watch and see that it's actually a little after five in the morning. I try to close my eyes again, but I know that there's no use. I won't be getting back to sleep now.
I drag myself to the kitchen and a piece of paper on the middle of my table, catches my eye.
"Kayla,
You know I want to be with you. It's just not the right time. I don't think I'm at a point in my career or my life where I can make things work with you. I don't know how to be the kind of man that you need right now. But I swear that one day I'll make it up to you. Both of you. For right now, please believe me when I tell you that you're all I think about. I love you. I've always loved you.
--Justin
I crumple the note in my hands. I try to hold back the tears I feel coming on, but I just can't. I put my head down on the kitchen table and loud sobs tear through my body. I don't know how long I sit there crying my eyes out, before I can feel a small hand on my back. I sit up and discretely try to wipe away some of my tears.
"Jonah, honey. Why are you up so early?"
"I heard you crying, mommy."
I rake my fingers across his golden brown curls. "I'm sorry sweetie. I didn't mean to wake you up."
"Why you crying? Somebody hurt you?"
"No baby. I hurt myself. Sometimes your mommy is kind of stupid."
Jonah shakes his head. "Nuh uh. You're the smartest girl I know."
I pull Jonah into my lap and kiss his forehead. "I think that may be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me."
He wraps his chubby little arms around my neck and whispers in my ear. "Love you, mommy."
"I love you too baby. It's still early, why don't you go back to sleep?"
"I don't wanna go back to my room. Can I lay down with you mommy?"
"Jonah, you know you need to sleep in your own bed." I stand up from the table with my sweet baby boy cradled in my arms. I'm heading towards his room when he turns to me with a pout on his face.
"Please, mommy."
"Okay. But this is the last time." I change direction and start walking to my own room. Jonah kisses my cheek and rests his head against my shoulder.
I know that I should be firmer with him, but I can't. Sometimes I look into his big blue eyes, eyes so much like his father's. And I just can't say no.
