June 2006
The past couple of weeks have been pretty much drama free. Justin and I haven’t exactly been ignoring each other, but we’ve been keeping our contact to a minimum. Rachel still thinks I’m crazy to have Justin staying here and I’ve been dodging JC’s phone calls. I hate to ignore JC, but I know what he wants to talk about and I’ve already got too much on my mind.
I’m standing at the stove, trying to cook dinner when Justin comes in and looks over my shoulder.
“What’s that?”
I don’t have to be looking at him to know that he’s probably got a disgusted look on his face. “What does it look like?”
“Do you really want me to answer that?”
“Jonah doesn’t complain about my cooking.” I pause for emphasis. “JC doesn’t complain about my cooking.”
“I once saw Jonah take a bite out of a crayon. And JC would eat broken glass if he thought it would get him one step closer to your bed.”
“Unless you would like for me to wrap this skillet around your big head, you’d better get away from me.”
“Here you are talking all mean to me and I only came in here to give you a present.”
“I don’t want any more presents. I don’t know how many times I’ve told you to stop trying to buy me.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I thought about what happened with your date and I really started to feel bad about it. I know that you don’t get out much. The last show you went to see was probably Barney on Ice or something like that.”
“That shows how much you don’t know about your son. He doesn’t even like Barney. We went to see Sesame Street on Ice.”
“Like that’s any better. What I’m trying to say is that you deserve a night out among adults, doing something that’s fun for you. So I thought to myself, what better way to make up for ruining your date with a wack ass Maxwell wannabe, than to get you tickets to see the real thing.”
“You didn’t?” I drop the spatula I’m holding and turn around to face him.
“I did.” Justin steps closer to me and waves a couple concert tickets in front of my nose.
“You got me tickets to see Maxwell and Heather Headley at the Tabernacle?”
“Yes. You’re gonna be so close, it’ll be like you’re on the stage.”
“How did you get these? That show has been sold out for months.”
“You forget who you’re rolling with, don’t you? When are you gonna get it through your head that your man knows people?”
“You are not my man.”
“You’re missing the point, Kay.”
“Whatever. Just hand them over.” I reach for the tickets, but Justin draws them back. “What?”
“There is one condition.”
“You can’t give conditions on an apology.”
“It’s a small thing. You have to go to the concert with me.”
My excitement fades away completely. “Keep the tickets.”
“Come on, Kay. You mean to tell me that you would pass up an opportunity to see two people that you love and that you’ve never seen live before, just because you don’t want to spend a few hours with me?”
“That’s exactly what I’m telling you. I’m not going on a date with you.”
“It’s not a date. It’s an opportunity for us to go out and have a good time together as friends. I figured that after the show we could go to the Cotton Club and have a few drinks. Just hang out and talk for a little while.”
“That sounds like a date to me.”
“It won’t be anything like a date. I won’t hold your hand or open any doors. I promise not to pay for your drinks. And if some guy tries to mack on you, I’ll look the other way.”
“And I should believe you because. . .?”
“Because for once, I’m actually telling the truth.”
“I don’t think so.”
“How about I sweeten the pot? If you go with me I can get you backstage, up close and personal with your precious Maxwell.”
“Are trying to bribe me?”
A sly grin spreads across his face. “Is it working?”
“Hell yeah.” I snatch the tickets from Justin’s hand. “I’d go out with Trace if he could get me a few minutes alone with Maxwell.”
“Hey now. I never said you could be alone with him. And for god’s sake, do not embarrass me by drooling on the man.”
“I make no promises.” I let out a little squeal of delight. “I’d better call Rachel and make sure that her and Brian can keep Jonah.”
“Already taken care of.”
“You called Rachel? And she actually talked to you?”
“She hung up the first couple of times. But Brian answered the third time I called, so I talked to him. After he made it quite clear that he’d do me serious bodily harm if I tried anything funny with you, he and Rachel agreed to keep Jonah for the night. Aside from the threats, Brian seems like a good guy. I don’t know what he sees in Rachel.”
Rachel started dating Brian shortly after I got pregnant. They got married a couple of years ago. Not only does he worship Rachel, he’s always been really good to me and Jonah. He’s built like a linebacker and he can be physically intimidating, but he’s a total pushover. I always knew that it would take a very special guy to make Rachel settle down and she couldn’t have found any one better than Brian.
I know it probably sounds petty, but I’m actually kind of jealous. Rachel found her prince charming and I’ve spent the last six years kissing the same old frog.
“So you made babysitting arrangements based on the assumption that we’d be going to the concert together?”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing. I was just thinking ahead.”
I’m too excited about the concert to waste any energy being mad at Justin. I turn back to the stove to finish cooking. I can still feel Justin standing behind me. “What do you want?”
“I wanted to know if you’d wear your hair up. I always loved it like that and it would really mean a lot to me.”
I give him a noncommittal grunt as a reply. If it means a lot to him for me to wear my hair up, that pretty much guarantees that I’ll wear it down.
******************************************************************************
The concert was amazing. Heather Headley came on first and the woman did her thing. Then Maxwell came out and I screamed like a twelve year old at a Nsync concert. He did all of my old favorites and some new stuff. The place was packed and everyone was out of their seats even during the slow songs. I really had forgotten what it was like to go out and be with other grown folks.
The best part of the night was that Justin actually kept all of the promises he made. A couple of times during the show he did put his hands on my hips, but he would catch himself and remove them before I could say anything. He did indeed take me backstage to meet Maxwell, who is even more beautiful in person.
After the show we went to the Cotton Club. Not only did he refuse to pay for my drink, he tried to get me to pay for his drink. And he made good on his promise to look the other way if some other guy tried to talk to me. Of course I was being hit on by someone I really didn’t want to be bothered with, but Justin wouldn’t interfere. Not even when I begged him to. He pretended like he didn’t know me at all. I’ll have to remember to thank him for that.
All in all it’s been a perfect evening until we step out of the club and get bombarded by photographers. I can’t even say for sure how many there are. It’s probably only a handful, but there’s so many flashbulbs going off that I feel like we’re surrounded. Instead of giving them the finger like he usually does, Justin grabs my hand and smiles for their cameras. I guess it was only a matter of time before the press figured out he was here, but I didn’t expect for him to take it so well.
Justin’s quiet during the ride home and when we get to the house, he still isn’t saying anything. I can’t stop myself from asking him what’s going on. He had a full tilt hissy fit the last time someone got a picture of us together. It was a couple of years ago, but still I don’t understand why he’s being so calm about it now.
“Shouldn’t you be freaking out right about now?”
“Freaking out about what?” He’s looking at me like he doesn’t have any idea what I’m talking about.
“Those photographers. They took pictures of us together.”
“I know.”
“And?”
“And what? It’s just a picture. Are you ashamed to be seen with me or something?”
“I think you’ve got that backwards.”
“I don’t care if people see us together. What can they say? That I was seen standing close to some woman? What a scandal.”
“We weren’t just standing together, we were holding hands. Cameron will pitch a fit if she thinks that we went out on a date.”
“I’m not concerned with her reaction and you shouldn’t be either.”
“Don’t you think you should be concerned? I don’t want her coming here getting up in my face about you.”
“You don’t have to worry about that happening. Besides it would have to be a really slow celebrity news week for someone to care enough to publish a couple of blurry pictures of you and me holding hands.”
“If you say so.”
“Trust me.” I turn to head into my bedroom, but Justin calls out to me.
“Thanks for wearing your hair the way I like it.”
“You asked me to wear my hair up.”
“Only because I knew if I asked for it up, you’d actually wear it down.”
I go into my room and slam the door in his face.
******************************************************************************
I’ve been laying in my bed staring at the ceiling for hours. I’m way too restless to sleep. I get up and shuffle my way to the kitchen, only to find Justin in there rummaging through the refrigerator.
“Hey. Guess you couldn’t sleep either.”
“Nope. I was trying to find something to eat. Do you ever go to the grocery store?”
“Groceries used to go a lot further before someone that eats like a horse took it upon himself to move in.”
Justin closes the fridge and grabs a box of Lucky Charms from the cabinet. He doesn’t even bother with a bowl or any milk, he just sits down and starts eating the cereal dry.
“Want some?” He shakes the box in front of my face. I shrug my shoulders and stick my hands out.
“How much longer do you think you’ll be here?”
“Tired of me already?”
“I was tired of you a long time ago.”
“Ha, ha. I’m pretty much done with the recording that I needed to do here. I still have a few things I need to go over with Rick and Tim, then I have to go to New York to do some more mixing and put on the final touches. But I won’t be doing that for awhile. What I’d like to do is spend the rest of the summer here with you and Jonah.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Once I start doing the promotional stuff, my schedule is going to be really tight. I don’t know when I’ll get to come back this way. So I want to make the most of the time that I have. Also I was thinking that we could go to Tennessee sometime in July or the beginning of August. If that’s okay with you.”
“That sounds good. Jonah is dying to see his grandmother.”
“Jonathan and Steven are very excited about the idea of being uncles. My grandfather really wants to meet you and maybe you could spend a little time in the kitchen with my grandmother. Something might rub off on you.”
I throw a handful of cereal at Justin. “That’s very mature.” He shakes his head to dislodge the marshmallows that are stuck in his hair, then he pops them into his mouth.
“Ugh. Justin that’s just nasty.”
“I just took a shower, my hair’s clean.” He puts the cereal box down and taps his fingers against the table. “You had a good time tonight, didn’t you?”
“Yes. I really did.”
“Does that mean that I’ve redeemed myself just a little, teeny bit?”
“Tonight was enough to make up for ruining my date. But that’s all.”
“That’s all I wanted to hear. Now that we’re past that, you can go ahead and laugh.”
“Laugh at what?”
“The look on homeboy’s face when I strolled into the room. You’ve got to admit that was kinda funny.”
“It was not funny. It was embarrassing.” Actually in hindsight it was kind of funny, but I will not give him the satisfaction of seeing me laugh.
“That’s what you say. But I think you did think it was funny. Right now you’re probably biting the inside of your jaw to keep yourself from laughing.”
I slowly release the flesh I’m holding between my teeth. I hate that he knows me so well. “I am not biting my jaw.”
“Okay. Would you mind if I ask you a question?”
“What?”
“How exactly did you stop yourself from slapping him when he asked for my autograph?”
“It was for his niece.”
“Yeah right. For his niece.” Justin actually had the nerve to put air quotes around the word ‘niece.’
“Don’t be naive.”
“What exactly are you trying to say?”
“I think I may have saved you from a brother on the down low. If you know what I mean.”
“That is so stupid.”
“Is it? I’m just saying there’s something wrong if a guy is on a date with a woman like you, but he’d rather spend the whole night talking about some other fella. Makes you wonder.”
“You are ridiculous.”
“Am I? You know I’ve got mass appeal.” Then he wiggles his eyebrows at me. That’s when I start laughing. I can’t help myself.
“You should really thank Rachel for that stellar hook up.”
“Oh shut up.”
“I knew you wanted to laugh.” Justin gets up and puts the cereal back in the cabinet. He stretches and yawns. “Well, I think I’ll go give sleep another try.”
“Me too.” We leave the kitchen and head towards our rooms.
“Goodnight Justin.”
He gives me a kiss on the forehead and goes across the hall to his bedroom. I don’t know how long I stand in the hallway, before sticking my head into the crack he’s left in the door.
“Justin?”
He rolls over toward the door so that he can look at me. “What are you doing in here Kay? Is something wrong?”
What am I doing in here? “Nothings wrong. Goodnight.”
Justin reaches over to the night stand and clicks on the lamp. He stares at me and I wonder what it is that he sees in my eyes. “Come here.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Kay, just come here.” His voice is so quiet and kind. I slowly make my way over towards the bed and he scoots over, making room for me. “It’s okay.”
I lay down beside him so that we’re face to face. I rub my hands up and down my own arms, hoping to get rid of some of the goose bumps that have risen to the surface of my skin.
Justin moves closer to me and wraps his arms around my back. “Is this better?”
“Yes.” I bury my nose against his shoulder and take in his scent. The soap, the shampoo and that smell that’s just him. I’m so warm and comfortable that I feel like I could lie here like this forever.
He reaches over me and turns out the light. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep now?”
“I think so.”
Justin pulls me closer against his chest and whispers in my ear. “I love you. I don’t expect for you to believe it and I don’t expect for you to say it back. I just wanted you to know.” He kisses the spot right below my ear and then settles in to go to sleep.
His light snoring and the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath my cheek let me know when Justin has fallen asleep. Only then do I acknowledge what he said.
“I love you too.”
******************************************************************************
The past week has been pretty good. Justin did not take my late night visit as an invitation to anything else. As a matter of fact, he hasn’t mentioned it at all. We’ve been getting along better than ever, which should have been my first clue that things are about to go sour.
Jonah, Justin and I are out in the front yard together. I’m doing a little gardening and they’re trying to put together a birdfeeder. The operative word is trying. Justin may be able to do a lot of things with his hands, but wielding a hammer is not one of them. He keeps hitting his thumb and swearing under his breath, which just makes Jonah laugh. Justin has absolutely no idea what he’s doing, but Jonah loves birds and he’s been begging to have a feeder in the yard, so Justin’s trying to give him what he wants.
All is well until a car screeches to a halt in front of the house. The driver gets out and slams the door shut behind her. She props her shades up in her short blonde hair and squints her eyes against the sun. I figured it was only a matter of time before she showed her face.
I go over to Jonah and put my hand on his shoulder. “Honey, why don’t you go inside?”
“Why?”
“Isn’t it almost time for Scooby Doo?”
“No.”
“Just go, Jonah.” Jonah turns and goes in through the open patio door.
Justin approaches Cameron. “What are you doing here?”
“What do you think I’m doing here?” Cameron pulls a magazine out of her purse and shoves it in Justin’s hands. It’s opened up to a photo of Justin and me. “What the hell is this?”
Justin looks at the picture then hands the magazine back to Cameron. “It’s a picture of me and Kay. Now that we’ve cleared that up, why don’t you try to calm down.”
“Do you know what people are saying? There’s all this speculation that you’re dumping me for her. What are you going to do about that, Justin?”
“I can’t stop people from talking. I can’t believe that you flew all the way here just to quiz me about a picture in some fucking magazine. I didn’t go all to pieces about those pictures of you holding hands with Jude Law.”
“That was for a movie. You know damn well that I’m not sleeping with Jude Law.”
“I’m not sleeping with Kayla. I told you that I was spending time with my son. I expected you to respect that.”
“You want me to believe that you have been under the same roof with her for months and you haven’t had sex. How stupid do you think I am?”
“Can I answer that one?”
Cameron peeks around Justin’s shoulder to give me the evil eye. “No one’s talking to you.”
I just throw my hands in the air. If Cameron came here to curse Justin out, all I can do is stand back and laugh my ass off.
“I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing Justin, but I’m fucking sick of it. I want you to come home with me right now.”
Justin face tightens up. I could have told her that was the wrong way to go. He does not like to be told what to do.
“I’ll come home when I damn well feel like it.”
It seems to have dawned on Cameron that she’s pissing him off. And even she knows by now that a pissed off Justin is likely to do the exact opposite of what you ask him to do. Just for spite.
“Baby, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I think it’s a good idea for you to spend time with Jonah. Maybe you could bring him back to Los Angeles and he could stay with us for a couple of weeks.”
This woman must be crazier than I thought. “Oh hell no. My child isn’t going anywhere with you.”
“I’ll tell you one more time to mind your business.”
“My son is my business. I wouldn’t let him go across the street with you, let alone across the country.”
“I am trying to talk to my fiancee.” She wiggles her engagement ring in my face. “Don’t make me tell you again to stay out of this.”
“This is my house. You can’t make me be quiet.”
“First of all this is not your house, this is Justin’s house and two, if you don’t shut up you’re going to be very sorry.”
I look at Justin. “You need to check your bitch.”
“Who are you calling a bitch? If you keep talking to me, I swear to god I will slap you silly.”
“I’m not scared of your old, dried up ass.”
“Who do you think you’re talking to?”
“I’m talking to you. Grandma.” I look at Cameron and shake my head. “What happened to you anyway? You used to be pretty. I guess trying to keep up with your boy toy is running you ragged.”
Cameron lunges towards me, but Justin steps between us. “Alright that’s enough.”
Cameron throws her head in the air. “I hope you know that Justin just saved you.”
“You don’t know Kay like I do. She is about two seconds away from busting your ass, so let’s just go before you get your nose broken again.” Justin jacks Cameron up by the arm and throws her into the passenger side of the car. He gets into the drivers seat and peels away from the curb.
About an hour later, they come back. I’m watching through the window as Justin gets out of the car. I expect for Cameron to pull off, but she just sits there with the motor running.
Jonah is sprawled out on the floor with his coloring books, but he looks up when he hears Justin coming in the front door. Justin walks by me and goes to sit on the floor with Jonah.
“Hey Daddy. Can we finish the birdhouse now?”
“No. We’re not gonna be able to do that right now.”
“But you promised.”
“I know, but Daddy’s got to go away for a little while.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going home for a little while.”
Jonah looks so confused. “This is home.”
“Yeah it is, but I need to go to my other home.”
“Why?”
“I’ve just got some stuff to take care of. But I’ll be back, okay.”
“Okay.” Jonah starts sniffling, trying so hard not to cry.
“Please don’t cry.” Justin pulls Jonah into his lap and holds him tightly against his chest. “I promise I’ll be back before you know it. Then we can finish the birdfeeder and go see Grandma, just like I said we would.” Justin puts Jonah down and then heads to the guestroom.
I follow him and stand in the doorway, watching while he packs a bag. “Well that didn’t take long. She shows up and you just can’t wait to leave. So fucking typical.”
Wasting my tine thinking about you
When you ain’t never gonna change
Justin doesn’t even turn around to face me. “This isn’t what you think.”
“The fuck if it isn’t. This is exactly what I said would happen. Do you even care that your child is out there crying?”
“Of course I care. But I have to do this. I’ll come back.”
“That lie may work on Jonah, but I’ve heard it before.”
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you, that’s why I’m so mad
“It’s not a lie.”
“You don’t know how to do anything but lie. So if you’re going, stop talking about it and just get the hell on. I’m sick of looking at you.”
Now I’m drowning in disappointment
and it’s hard for me to even look at you
Justin slams his suitcase shut. “That’s it, Kay.”
“What?”
“I’m done apologizing to you. I can’t turn back time and undo the things I’ve done. I know that I fucked up your life in a lot of ways, but I won’t take responsibility for everything. There comes a time where we have to draw the line between what Justin did to Kay and what Kay did to Kay. You have to shoulder some of the blame.”
“So it’s my fault that you’re a lying jackass?”
“It’s your fault for believing the same lies over and over again. It’s your fault for sleeping with me whenever I show up here in the middle of the night. I didn’t tell you to sit around the house all day without a job. I didn’t hold you hostage and keep you from going on dates. If your life isn’t the way that you want it to be, you need to stop looking at me and take a look at yourself.”
I wish I could go back to the day before we met
And skip my regret
I open my mouth to reply, but I don’t really have anything to say. It’s not like anything he just said isn’t completely true.
“I could stand here and try to explain to you what I’m going to do, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway, so I won’t bother. I’ll be back as soon as I can, but I suppose you think that’s a lie too.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
Said you care about me, but from what I can see
I ain’t feeling that so I disagree
Justin picks up his bag and walks toward me. He gently caresses the side of my face. “I can do better from this point on, but you’re gonna have to do better too. I’ll be back. If you don’t want me here, for once in your life just slam the damn door in my face.”
Gave you all my love and understanding
And you’re treating me like your enemy
Justin goes out to living room and puts his suitcase down by the front door. Then he picks Jonah up. “I’m counting on you to take care of your mama while I’m gone. You can do that for me, can’t you?”
“I will.”
“Love you.” Justin kisses Jonah’s cheek and squeezes him one more time before handing him to me. Jonah’s eyes are already red and swollen. It’s not like he isn’t used to Justin leaving, but it hurts more because he was here for so long this time. I guess he thought he’d stay forever.
So leave me alone, don’t want nothing from you
just go back where you came from
Justin picks up his bag and goes out the door without looking back. I don’t know why I feel so surprised. Justin has always been able to do that. He’s never had a problem leaving Jonah and me without a second of hesitation.
Jonah starts to wiggle in my arms, so I put him down. As soon as his feet touch the floor he grabs my hand and pulls me toward the sofa.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m taking care of you, like daddy said I should.” I sit down and let Jonah pull the afghan from the back of the sofa and pull it over my legs. It’s ninety-four degrees outside, but I don’t have the heart to tell him that I’m not cold.
Jonah climbs up beside me and uses his tiny hands to wipe the wetness from my face.
“Don’t cry mommy. Daddy will be back.” Jonah’s telling me not to cry while tears stream down his own face. “He promised, so that means he has to. Doesn’t it?”
I don’t know how to answer that. I just hold Jonah tightly against my side and pull the blanket around both of us. I try to still the shivers that I feel passing through my body.
I guess I was cold after all.
I wish I wasn’t in love with you
So you couldn’t hurt me
Song lyrics- Wish I Wasn’t by Heather Headley
