July 2006
Justin has been gone for almost two weeks now. The only thing that makes this disappearing act any different from all the rest is the fact that he’s actually calling this time around. When I hear his voice on the line, I pass the phone straight to Jonah. I know how much it means to him to talk to his father, but I’m not interested in a single word that Justin has to say at this point. All I can do is try to think about what I’ll do when he does finally come back. Will things be any different? Do I have the strength to slam the door in his face? I’m not even sure if that’s what I really want to do.
Justin gave me a lot to think about. As much as I would like to be angry about the things that he said to me before he left, I really can’t be. A lot of what he said was true. He had messed up my life to a certain degree, but much of what he’d done was what I’d let him do. I have to start taking responsibility for my own actions. I need to find out who I am outside of the shadow that Justin casts over my life. I’ve spent so much time being angry at him for disrespecting me, that I failed to realize that I was disrespecting myself.
But the first thing I need to do is think of something to make Jonah happy. Usually he’s always smiling and talking and running me ragged, but now he doesn’t want to do anything but sit by the phone, waiting for Justin to call. I know from firsthand experience that is no way to live.
Brian came over the other day and tried to get Jonah to go out and toss the football around, but he didn’t want to step outside. Not only does he not want to play, he doesn’t have much of an appetite either. He wouldn’t even touch the cupcakes that Rachel brought over for him.
There’s only two people whose presence could make Jonah feel better. One of them is off in Los Angeles doing god knows what with his psychotic fiancee. And the other I’ve been avoiding for weeks. I feel guilty to call JC now just because I want something. But I have to do something to make Jonah forget about missing his father for at least a little while. And one thing I can always depend on is that if I call JC, he will come.
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Jonah’s entire face lit up as soon as he saw JC. We all went out to dinner and when we came back home. Jonah talked JC’s ear off and played with him until he couldn’t keep his eyes open. JC told him I bedtime story and I went to straighten up.
I’m just putting away the last of Jonah’s toys and board games when JC comes out to join me in the living room.
“You do realize that we had our asses handed to us by a four year old.”
“I knew I was losing, I thought you were just letting him win.”
JC shakes his head at me. “I wish that were true.”
“So I guess the bottom line is that we both suck at Chutes and Ladders.”
“Seems that way.” He laughs and then takes a seat on the sofa.
“Thanks for coming over. Jonah’s been so sad since Justin left. Seeing you really cheered him up.”
“You don’t have to thank me for that. I was glad that you called.”
“I would have called sooner, but things were kind of hectic while Justin was here.” JC knows that’s not the reason why I didn’t return any of his phone calls, but he’s good enough not to call me on it.
“I spent the majority of my life with Justin, I know what it’s like when he’s around. He breezes through like a hurricane, upsets everything in his path and then he runs off before the dust settles.”
“Yeah. That’s exactly what it’s like.” I take off the clamp that’s holding my ponytail together and shake my hair down.
“So, what’s new with you?”
“Now that you ask, I was thinking about going back to work.”
A concerned look creeps onto JC’s face. “Did Justin threaten to cut you off again?”
“No. Nothing like that. Jonah starts kindergarten in the fall and there’s really not any reason for me to sit around the house doing nothing while he’s gone. I want to get out and meet people. I need to get some normalcy back in my life. I’m tired of feeling like a kept woman.”
“Good for you, Kay. Do you need help finding something?”
“One of the nurses that I used to work with told me about a clinic that needs some help. They need someone to assist with patients and work the front desk for a few hours in the morning. It’s something that I could do and still be here for Jonah when he gets out of school.”
“When were you thinking of getting started?”
“I wouldn’t be needed until September. I still need to go through the interview process, but I get the feeling that the job is mine if I want it.”
“I hope that works out for you, but if you need anything just let me know.”
“You do too much for me as it is. I can’t thank you enough for coming over today. I was surprised that you were still in town.”
“I went back to Los Angeles for a little while, but I had to come back here to sign some paperwork anyway.”
“What kind of paperwork?”
“I just bought a condo.”
A sinking feeling settles into my stomach. “You bought a condo here in Atlanta?”
“Yeah.” He looks at me expectantly, trying to see what my reaction to this is.
“I didn’t realize that you had any reason to spend enough time in Atlanta to have a home here.”
Some of the light goes out of his eyes. “If you can’t think of any reason for me to be here, you must not be thinking very hard.”
“JC, don’t. Please tell me that you aren’t moving here to be with me and Jonah.”
“I just want to be around more often. I didn’t say I was moving here permanently. Although I would if you asked me to.”
I close my eyes and try to think of some way to avoid having this discussion. “Lets not do this again.”
“Do what again?”
“Have this conversation. I just can’t right now.”
“What conversation are you talking about? Because the one thing that we really need to talk about has never been discussed. We keep putting it off and pushing it under the rug.”
“Some things are better left unsaid. You know that as well as I do.”
JC’s entire face shuts down. “Thanks for inviting me over.” He gets up and heads for the door. “It was good to see Jonah.”
“JC don’t leave like this.”
“I’m tired of hearing the same old things from you.”
A surge of panic rushes through me. I can’t stand the thought of JC being angry with me. I’m always afraid that I will do or say something that will drive him away once and for all.
“Wait, please.”
JC hesitates by the front door. He doesn’t turn around, but he doesn’t keep walking either. I come up behind him and slide my arms around his waist.
I press my mouth against the nape of his neck, knowing that he’ll be able to feel my lips move against his skin when I speak. “Don’t be mad at me. I need you.” And there it is. The three words that always turn JC around and melt his anger. It’s not the three words he most wants to hear from me, but it’s close enough.
He turns around in my arms. “I don’t know why I keep letting you do this to me.”
“I’m not doing anything to you. I’m just telling you how I feel.” I silence the voice in my head that tells me how wrong I am for the way that I treat JC. I ignore the part of me that realizes that the words I just spoke to him are the exact same words that Justin has spoken to me before.
I thread my fingers into JC’s hair and pull his head down to mine. He’s resistant to my kiss at first, but in a matter of seconds he gives in. He opens his mouth to me, eagerly caressing my tongue with his own. He presses his body against mine and follows me as I start to walk backwards toward the sofa. I push him down onto the cushions and straddle myself across his lap. His hands feel strong and comforting against my back.
I don’t know how many times JC and I have done this little dance. He gets fed up with me and I lure him back with a few soft words, some passionate kisses and a promise to do better. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? It’s low down and manipulative. The kind of behavior that I never would have thought I was capable of, but then again I did learn from the very best.
JC knows from experience that it’s not going to go any further than this, but this is enough. He accepts pieces of me. Which works out fine because pieces are all I have left to give.
It’s times like this when I believe that I am going straight to hell.
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JC has been gone for hours and I find myself lying on the sofa, staring at my living room ceiling. My guilty conscience making it impossible for me to get to sleep. For the millionth time I try to wrap my mind around the person that I’ve become and the choices that I have made. My life would be so much easier if I could love JC the way that he loves me.
I don’t understand why I don’t love him. He’s kind and forgiving. He doesn’t lie to me. Basically he’ll do anything that I ask him to. And I know that he loves me and Jonah. I’ve tried. I really have. I try to block Justin out of my mind and just accept JC as his own person, but I can’t do it.
I feel sick to my stomach, because what it all comes down to is that I’m just one more person that judges the two of them side by side. Despite the fact that I know how mean, deceitful and genuinely ugly Justin can be, he still comes out on top.
Sometimes I think that I deserve the dismissive way that Justin treats me because of the way that I treat JC. Karma is a bitch.
My thinking is interrupted by a soft knock on the door. I know who it is before I even get up. Only one person would have the audacity to show up on my doorstep after midnight. When I open the door, Justin is standing there with a duffel bag on his shoulder and a worn down look on his face.
“Hey. Can I come in?”
I step aside to let him enter. I go take a seat on the sofa while he puts his bag down. Instead of taking a seat himself, he continues standing. Hovering over me with his hands stuffed deep into his pockets.
“Isn’t this familiar? You creeping in my door after dark. I just got a very vivid image of what you must have been like in a past life. Waiting for the sun to go down so you could go creeping around the slave quarters.”
Justin pulls his bottom lip into his mouth and chews on it. He narrows his eyes at me and I can literally see him choking down a nasty comeback. “I know what you must be thinking, but I swear this is different.”
“Damn straight, it’s different. Unlike those other times, I will not degrade myself by giving you what you want.”
“I came this late because I wanted to talk to you before I saw Jonah. There are some things that you and I need to get straight before he even knows that I’m here.”
“This ought to be good.”
“First of all, I want you to know what I was doing while I was gone. I did some redecorating at my house. I got a room fixed up for Jonah.”
Justin pauses as though he’s waiting for my reaction, but I just look at him. “It hit me that Jonah hasn’t been in my house since he was a baby. I want him to visit me and he should have his own room when he does. I had the decorator do a Spiderman theme. He likes Spiderman, right?”
“You are too sad for words. You don’t know anything about Jonah.”
“I’m trying to change that.”
“Yeah, right. Jonah does like Spiderman, but it doesn’t make any difference because he will never get to see that room. I’ve told you a million times that I will not allow my son to be under the same roof with you and that psycho.”
“That’s not going to be a problem. Cameron and I aren’t together anymore. I called off our engagement.”
I definitely wasn’t expecting to hear that. “Why?”
“From this point on, Jonah is my number one priority. I can’t be with someone that can’t accept that. Also I didn’t like the fact that she actually showed up here disrespecting you. This is your home. No one has the right to come here and give you shit in your own home.”
“No one except for you, right?”
“I can see that you’ve decided not to make things easy for me.”
“I’ve spent six years making things easy for you. Do you expect me to believe that you broke up with Cameron because she was rude to me? She has been rude and condescending since the day I met her. Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?”
“This is going to sound stupid, but I need to be by myself. I’m a liar and a manipulator. I’m immature, I’ve got a bad temper, a nasty attitude and my priorities are completely out of whack. I need to work on me before I can be any good for anybody.”
It’s all true, but I never thought he’d actually say it out loud. But still he is not off the hook. “So, it took you two weeks to break up with her?”
“No. That only took a couple of days. Making her believe that I meant it took a while though. She thought that you had brainwashed me or something. I also had to get her stuff out of my house and get my stuff out of her house. I didn’t want there to be any reason for us to cross paths again. A completely clean break.”
I control my urge to jump up and do my happy dance. “That still doesn’t add up to two weeks. Where else have you been?”
“I took a few days to think about some things and then I went to Orlando. I had a meeting with Johnny and my lawyers.”
“For what?”
The lightest hint of a smile comes over Justin’s face. “I want to give Jonah my last name.”
I must be hearing things. “What did you say?”
“I want to change Jonah’s last name to Timberlake, legally.”
“You. . .you can’t do that.”
“I understand if you don’t want him to have it.”
“That’s not what I mean. You’ll have to go to court. People will find out.”
“I know. But I don’t care. Jonah is my child and I want him to have my name.”
“And you told this to Johnny and your lawyers?”
“Yeah.”
“What did they say?”
“The phrase ‘career suicide’ was thrown around quite a bit. I also got a lot of ‘are you crazy?’. Long story short, I was strongly advised against doing it. At which point I strongly advised Johnny and my lawyers to kiss my ass.”
“But what about your fans and the press? What are they going to say?”
“Think of every mean, ridiculous, hurtful thing that you can. Then multiply that by a hundred. That’s what people are going to say. Then Brad and Angelina will break up or someone will catch Nicole Richie eating a sandwich and no one will care about us anymore.”
“What are we supposed to do in the meantime? I don’t want people hanging around my house trying to take pictures of me and Jonah.”
“I figured I could file the papers for the name change and then we can go to Millington. We can stay there for a couple of weeks. At least until the worst of it is over.”
“You make it all sound so simple and easy.”
“It’s not going to be easy, but it is simple. Jonah is my child. I love him and I don’t care who knows. I want people to know. Nothing could be any simpler than that.”
I can feel the tears starting to form in my eyes. I have waited four years to hear these words come out of Justin’s mouth and now that they have, I don’t know how to react.
“Don’t cry, Kayla. I thought this would be good news.”
“It is good news. I just . . .you don’t know what this means to me.”
Justin sits down beside me and uses his fingertips to wipe the tears from my face. “Seems like I manage to make you cry no matter how hard I try not to.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“All I’ve been giving you are words. Meaningless words and empty promises. It’s not enough for me to tell you that I’ve changed. I need to show you. Changing Jonah’s name and taking the two of you to meet my family is just the beginning.”
“I appreciate everything that you’re doing, but I hope you understand that these aren’t automatic fixes. None of this means that I will just fall back into a relationship with you.”
“I’m not trying to get back into a relationship with you.”
“Well, don’t sugarcoat it.”
“That came out harsher than I meant for it to. What I was trying to say is that I don’t want to be with you right now. And you shouldn’t want to be with me. I haven’t given you any reason to be with me. The one thing that we’ve never given each other is any time. Time to straighten ourselves out. Time to really know one another. I think that’s what we need the most.”
“So, you’re asking me to wait for you?”
“I’m not asking you to wait. I’m not really asking you for anything. The only thing that we need to focus on right now, is being decent to each other and being good parents to Jonah. Outside of that, I don’t have any other expectations. If something happens with us, that would be good. But if it doesn’t, it just doesn’t.”
“Who are you and what have you done with Justin Timberlake?”
“I can’t keep ducking and dodging my responsibilities for the rest of my life. It’s time to grow up.”
“It’s time for both of us to grow up. I gave a lot of thought to what you said to me before you left.”
“I’m sorry about that. Don’t get me wrong. I meant what I said, but I shouldn’t have come at you like that.”
“Don’t apologize. It was harsh, but it was what I needed to hear. You and me, we are nothing but one hundred percent drama for one another. But you’re not always the villain and I need to stop thinking of myself like a victim.”
Justin nods his head and takes a deep breath. “So. I said what I came to say. Can I put my stuff in the guest room or should I take my sorry ass to a hotel?”
I sit silently for a few minutes, even though I already know exactly what my answer will be. “You can take your sorry ass to the guest room.”
“Thank you.”
I get up and walk by him. “I’m going to bed. You should get some sleep too. You look like horrible.”
“Sweet talk me all you want. I’m not having sex with you tonight.”
I roll my eyes at him and he laughs. “You just won’t be satisfied until I beat your ass. Is that it?”
Justin grins and raises his eyebrows. “You know I like it rough.”
“You’re a freak. While you’re standing around acting silly, you’d better be calling somebody and beefing up the security at your house.”
“For what?”
“You know Cameron seems like the type to come back and try to burn the place down.”
“You’ve got a point there. Why do I always hook up with the crazy ones? I have horrible taste in women.”
I don’t even say anything. I just glare at Justin until he stops and thinks about what he just said.
“I didn’t mean you.”
“Goodnight, Justin.”
“Goodnight.” Justin gives me a friendly hug before picking up his bag and disappearing into the guest room.
Instead of going into my own room, I turn around and head back to the living room. No point in going to bed. I already know that I won’t be able to sleep.
I know that I should be happy. Justin is saying and doing all the right things and for once it doesn’t seem like an act. I believe that he genuinely wants to straighten up and help me raise Jonah the right way. But that’s what scares me the most.
If Justin is sincere about being a better person, that means that I have to do the same. From this point on, I no longer have him as an excuse for my own bad decisions.
Justin has been like a barrier between me and the real world. Clouding my judgment, blurring my vision. Once that barrier is lifted, there won’t be anything left but a clear reflection of who I really am.
I am so afraid that I won’t like what I see.
