Part One: Jonah
January 2002 - April 2002
After the bullshit that Justin laid on me when I told him I was pregnant, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be raising my child on my own. I had a baby coming that needed something better than a mother that was sitting around worrying about some man. I had given Justin a chance to be a part of our baby’s life and he had passed it up. So that was a done deal for me.
I was scared by the thought of trying to raise a child on my own, but I knew that no matter what my baby would never want for anything. I had Rachel by my side and I knew that she would help me with whatever I needed.
I also had JC. Justin told him that I was pregnant, and he started calling me all the time. He was constantly asking me questions and always wanted updates from my doctor appointments. He even wanted to see the pictures from my ultrasound. . He was so excited, you would have thought that he was the father. I guiltily found myself wishing that he was.
The Pop Odyssey tour ended in January and the Celebrity tour wasn’t due to start until March, so JC came to Atlanta to see how I was doing. We had lunch, went to the movies and we went shopping. He made it his mission to see to it that I wasn’t sitting around being depressed. He even went to the doctor with me. He strolled right into the office without a bodyguard and without trying to disguise himself. My doctor was an older woman that probably had no idea who he was anyway, but he didn’t really seem to care one way or another. He sat in the waiting room with me, holding my hand and when someone commented on what a cute couple we made, neither of us bothered to correct them. JC never seemed to care who saw me with him and he went out of his way to let me know that he wanted to be there for me.
While JC, who had absolutely no obligation to do so, spent his downtime taking an interest in me and my baby; I had not seen Justin since I’d told him I was pregnant. I talked to him occasionally. He would call and ask a couple of questions and then he’d think of some really important thing that he needed to do. Lame excuses so that he could just get off the phone. I always got the feeling that JC had guilt tripped him into calling anyway. His concern seemed genuine, but it was clear that he still wasn’t ready to deal with the responsibility of being a father.
In a moment of clarity and common sense that was not to be repeated anytime soon, I put Justin out of my mind. I didn’t have time to be worrying about anybody that wasn’t worrying about me. But Justin seemed to have some sixth sense ability to know when I was slipping away from him. He could always pick the perfect time to show up and work his way right back under my skin.
It was February when Justin made his appearance. I was seven months pregnant by then and not in the best mood. Everything about my pregnancy was going smoothly, but still I was kind of a mess. My hormones were out of control. I had wickedly unpredictable mood swings and the extra twenty pounds I picked up made it hard for me to get around.
I was lying down, trying to find some position that was comfortable, when I heard the buzzer. My door was cracked opened and I could see Rachel moving through the hallway as she went to see who was at the door. Suddenly the quiet in our apartment was shattered by a string of curse words that would have made a sailor blush.
I waddled my way out to the living room to see what was going on. That was when I heard the sound of Justin’s voice coming over the intercom.
“I did not come here to talk to you. Can you just tell Kayla that I’m here and let her decide if she wants to see me or not.”
Rachel jabbed at the intercom to give him her reply. “Listen up good you piece of shit, because I will only say this one more time. You have got five seconds to remove yourself from the premises or I will call the police. What will all your precious little fans think when they see you being carted away on a very special episode of Cops?”
“Bitch if you call the police on me, I swear I’ll . . .”
“You’ll what? Hit me? It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that a punk like you would fight a woman.”
“You’re not a woman, you’re a nosy heifer. Now let me talk to Kayla.”
Rachel pushed the intercom button to give Justin another piece of her mind, but I stepped in front of her. “Come on up.” I pressed the button to give Justin entrance into the building.
Rachel turned to me with fire in her eyes. “Kay, are you insane? Why are you letting him come up here?”
“I want to hear what he has to say.”
“Why?”
“If he came to see me in person, maybe it’s important.”
“And maybe he knows that his bullshit plays better when he can give you the puppy dog eyes to go along with it.”
“Rachel, please. I know what I’m doing.”
“Humph. I doubt that, but this is your life. If you want to see him, I don’t have anything else to say. I’m going to my room.”
“You don’t have to leave, Rach.”
“Yes, I do. I think if I actually have to look at him, I’d try to kill him. Holler if you need me.”
Rachel trudged down the hall and slammed her door shut. I was trying to keep my composure, but I was getting anxious. I had no idea what Justin wanted to say to me. I was interested and afraid at the same time. I paced back and forth, until I heard his knock at the door.
I could tell by the golden glow on his skin that he had obviously been spending his time off somewhere warm. He was dressed casually, in jeans and a blue shirt that matched his eyes perfectly. I wanted to be unaffected by seeing him again, but I couldn’t pull it off. Despite everything he still looked beautiful to me, but I knew that beauty only went skin deep.
He stared at me and I started to feel self conscious. My hair was pulled back in a sloppy bun, I wasn’t wearing any make up. The feel of his eyes on me made me hyper aware of every ounce of baby weight that I had put on. I couldn’t stop myself from wondering if he still found me attractive. But I quickly pushed those thoughts aside and put on my best nonchalant facade.
I left Justin standing in the doorway and went to sit down on the sofa. He closed the door and joined me. I wanted him to be the first one to say something, but I grew frustrated as he just sat there looking at me from the corner of his eye and biting the cuticle around his thumbnail.
I pulled his hand away from his mouth. “Don’t just sit there. Say something.”
“Are you feeling okay?”
“You could have asked me that over the phone. What did you come here for?”
“I finally made the decision to do my solo cd. After we wrap up Celebrity, I’m going to Virginia Beach to start recording.”
“And I should care about that because?”
“Because, I rented a house there and I want you and the baby to come stay with me.”
“What?”
“I want you and the baby to live with me in Virginia.”
“Is this some kind of sick joke?”
“No, of course not. I want you to be with me.”
“Won’t that be kind of crowded? Me, you, the baby and Miss Britney. That seems like a full house to me.”
“Britney won’t be living there.”
“And I guess when she pops in for a visit, you plan to tell her that I’m the maid.”
“She’s not going to be visiting either.” Justin’s teeth were clinched so tightly that he could barely get the words out. “We broke up.”
“Oh please. Don’t tell me you can’t do any better than that. If the two of you broke up, it would be on the cover of every magazine. Why is this the first I’m hearing about it?”
“We want to keep the break up under wraps for a little while. She’s promoting that dumb ass movie and it would just be bad publicity right now. We’re just staying together for appearances.”
“Do you really expect for me to fall for that one again? That’s the same con game that you hooked me with the first time.”
“I know it sounds shady, but it’s true. If you don’t believe me, ask JC. Frankly, I’m surprised that he hasn’t already told you. He seems awfully eager to drop the dime on me.”
“JC and I have better things to do than talk about you.”
Jealousy tightened Justin’s face. “Things like what?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“What you do and who you do it with is most definitely my business. You’re the mother of my child.”
His self righteous, possessive tone was rattling my last nerve. “Is that what I am now? Cause four months ago, I was a tricky hoodrat trying to lock you down and get in your pockets.”
“Trace said that, not me. And I did tell him not to talk to you that way.” He seemed to think that made everything okay.
“This is pointless. You made it abundantly clear what you thought of me and this baby. So why don’t you pack up your lies and go back where you came from?”
“I’m not lying. Britney and I have been coasting on fumes for a long time. We went to Hawaii to try and work things out, but we couldn’t. There wasn’t anything left for us to save so we decided to go our separate ways.”
“Even if that is true, I don’t know how it affects me. Why should I care if Britney finally dumped your lying ass?”
“She didn’t dump me. I broke it off with her.”
“Why?”
Justin hesitated as though what he was about to say was painful to him. “She was sleeping with Wade.”
I laughed so hard, that it’s a wonder I didn’t go into premature labor. I laughed until I cried. Every time I tried to stop laughing, the pissed off look on Justin’s face made me laugh some more. “Oh lord. Thank you. I needed a good laugh.”
“I’m glad you find it funny.”
“You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t cry a river for your troubles. But Britney clowning you with one of your so called friends falls under the category of just desserts. You finally got a taste of what you deserve and hopefully you’ll learn something. But I still don’t know what this has to do with me.”
“That was like a wake up call for me, Kay. I screwed you over so that I could be with her. Then she turned around and did the same thing to me.”
“So what? I get to be your consolation prize? Thanks but no thanks.”
“I’m not explaining myself the right way. What happened with Britney made me realize that I was putting my energy into the wrong things. It made me realize what’s important. Britney was never the right woman for me and I know that now. We want different things. I was trying to settle down and have a real relationship and she still wanted to play a bunch of immature mind games. That’s not what I want to be about anymore. I want a relationship that means something. I want to be there for you and our baby.”
“Where is all this coming from? I tried to give you an opportunity to be a part of this child’s life and you tripped out on me.”
“I know that I acted like an idiot when you told me that you were pregnant, but that’s just because I was scared.”
“Scared of what? Your career falling off?”
“I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a concern, but that’s not what I was the most afraid of. I’m scared that I won’t be a good father. Don’t you ever wonder if you’ll be a good mother? Doesn’t the fact that your mother ran out on you make you insecure about what kind of parent you’ll be?”
He was hitting me where it hurt the most. I did live in constant fear of the fact that I would turn out to be like my mother. Justin was a master manipulator. He knew just how to play on my emotions. How to use my fears to gather sympathy for himself.
“Why didn’t you say any of this to me before?”
“I have a hard time letting people know how I really feel. It’s easier to be cold than it is to admit that I’m afraid.”
His sob story and sad eyes were working their charms on me. Already I could feel myself wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt.
“I didn’t have the best mother or father and that does scare me. But it also makes me want to try harder. I’ll do anything I can to be better than my parents. My child will never grow up doubting that he’s loved.”
“He?” Justin caught my slip.
“Yeah. I’m having a boy.”
“I thought you wanted to be surprised.”
“I changed my. . . oh.” I grabbed my stomach as I could feel the baby moving around.
“Are you okay?” Justin reached toward me, but I waved him off.
“I’m fine. The baby’s just moving.” Justin’s eyes were alive with curiosity. “Do you want to feel him?”
He nodded his head so I took his hand in mine and placed it on my stomach. At first there was nothing, but he jumped a little bit as he could feel the baby kicking. “That is so cool.”
“That’s easy for you to say. It’s decidedly less cool, when it’s your body that’s being used like a gym mat.”
“Does he move around a lot?”
“Usually whenever I think about trying to get some rest, he starts fidgeting.”
We sat quietly for a moment. Justin seemed to be content with his hand resting gently against my stomach. “Have you thought about a name?”
“A little bit. I haven’t decided on anything yet.”
“I guess it’s safe to say that Justin junior is not in the running.”
“You’re smarter than you look.”
Justin held his head down and sighed. “I know I’m asking a lot of you. I was afraid to even come here. I thought that you would just tell me that you hate me and slam the door in my face.”
“You know that I don’t hate you. I’m just not sure that we should try to turn ourselves into some sort of instant family. Usually couples that get together just for a child’s sake end up resenting each other.”
“I’m not trying to pressure you into taking me back. I just want to be around our baby. I don’t want my child to grow up without me.”
“I don’t know.” Everything he was saying was sounding good, but I was still cautious.
“You don’t have to give me an answer right now. I won’t be going to Virginia until the middle of May. All I ask is that you give it some thought. I’ll keep in touch with you and you can tell me what you want to do after the baby is born.”
“That sounds fair.”
“I’d better get going now. Thanks for seeing me and listening to what I had to say.”
“Yeah.” I was trying to struggle to my feet when Justin took my hand and put his arm around my waist to help me up.
“I’ve got to fly to New Orleans for rehearsal. I’ll call you as soon as I get there.” He kissed my cheek and walked toward the door. But then he turned suddenly and dropped to one knee. My heart skipped because I thought he was about to propose to me. He didn’t have a ring, but what he did do was raise my shirt and press a warm, soft kiss right to the center of my belly. Now that was a smooth move. Intimate and fatherly. Justin had tricks for days.
He rose to his feet and placed his hand on the curve of my jaw. He leaned down to me until we were nose to nose. I shivered as he whispered his words against my lips. “Don’t give up on me, Kay.”
To this very day, I wonder if he had that little maneuver planned or if it was one of his spur of the moment, improvised pieces of shit. If I hadn’t been on the receiving end of his dickery, I would have admired his skills.
Rachel came out of her room as soon as she heard the door close. “What the hell did he want?”
“He wants me and the baby to come live with him.”
“And what did he say when you told him to kiss your ass? Because I know that must be what you said. You would not under any circumstance even entertain the thought of living with him.”
“I told him I’d think about it.”
“What’s there to think about? You told him you were having his child and he bailed on you. If he wants to have a relationship with the baby that’s all well and good, but you have to know that you can’t move in with him.”
“I didn’t say that I was going to do it. I just said that I’d think it over.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Rachel, I know you’re only trying to look out for me, but you can’t possibly understand where I’m coming from. Your parents have been married for twenty nine years. You don’t know what it’s like to grow up without a mother and a father. I can’t just turn away a chance for this baby to have both parents around. Justin says that he wants to try and I believe him.”
“Justin has lied to you and hurt you from the second that you met him. What makes you think that this will be any different?”
“I have to give him the benefit. This isn’t just about me and my hurt feelings. Justin is my baby’s father and I can’t just dismiss him.”
“I’m not saying that you should cut him out completely, but I still don’t know why you two need to live together in order for him to be a decent father.”
“The first few months of a child’s life are very important. I want Justin to have an opportunity to bond with our son.”
“And that’s the only reason why you would even consider moving in with him, right?”
“What are you trying to say Rachel?” I knew exactly what she was trying to say, but I was deep in denial.
“I just hope that you aren’t counting on this to lead to any kind of real relationship for the two of you.”
“This has nothing to do with Justin and I being together.”
“Uh-huh.” Rachel turned on her heel and headed back to her room. Her disbelief was hanging in the air.
On the surface of my mind, I believed what I’d just said. I told myself that I had no real interest in being with Justin. But deep down, in a part of myself that I refused to acknowledge, the thought had crossed my mind that if Justin was sincere, maybe there might be a chance for us after all.
After his visit, Justin started behaving like a concerned father. He called everyday wanting constant updates on how I was doing. He was so sweet and he would end every phone call by having me put the phone against my stomach, so he could talk to the baby. He even had me put Rachel on the phone so that he could talk to her. He wanted to apologize and explain himself. She wasn’t buying it, but he did try.
Around the end of March, rumors of his and Britney’s breakup started appearing in all the tabloids. I asked JC if they were true and he confirmed that they were. It seemed that for once in his life Justin had actually said something that wasn’t a lie. My guard came down and my hopes went up.
Having the family that I had always dreamed of started to seem less like an absurd fantasy and more like a real possibility.
******************************************************************************
I started having contractions at about ten o’clock at night on April 29th. After panicking a little bit, Rachel rushed me to the hospital and nine hours later I welcomed seven pounds and five ounces of pure joy into my world. You think you know what it’s going to be like, but there is nothing that prepares you for the first time you hold your newborn baby in your arms. It is a mixture of fear and excitement that has no comparison.
I had chosen to have my baby at Emory Crawford Long Hospital, because they had mother-baby suites. I was in a huge private room where Jonah would always be with me, which was a good thing. The thought of me being in one room and him being tucked away in some nursery would have made me crazy.
While I was resting, Rachel called Justin and JC. They had just finished up the last show of the Celebrity tour on the 28th and they both wanted to come right away, but I had Rachel ask them to wait. I needed some time alone with my son and I wanted to get my thoughts together. Frankly, I wouldn’t have minded if JC had come sooner, but it didn’t seem right to let him come and ask Justin to stay away. I couldn’t hold it off forever, so after a couple of days I told them it was okay to come.
I was sitting up in bed with Jonah in my arms when they got there. JC came right into the room and leaned over the side of the bed to get a look, but Justin lingered in the doorway like he was afraid.
“Don’t you want to meet your son?” Justin came into the room slowly and a look of sheer panic came over his face when I stretched Jonah out to him.
Once he got Jonah in his arms he seemed to relax a little bit. He smoothed his hands over Jonah’s silky blond curls and seemed fascinated by his perfect little hands and feet. When Jonah cracked his eyelids to reveal a sliver of eyes so blue that they looked black, I could tell by the look on Justin’s face, that he had fallen in love.
Justin looked at me with unshed tears shining in his eyes. “This is us, Kay.”
“Yeah, he is.” I scooted over a little bit, giving Justin room to sit down on the side of the bed.
“I just realized that I don’t even know his name yet.”
“That is Jonah Randall James.”
“You gave him my middle name. Thank you.” Justin seemed genuinely touched, but I could tell by the way that Rachel rolled her eyes to the ceiling that she wasn’t moved at all.
“Too bad that he can’t have your last name too.” That comment seemed to make both Justin and JC uncomfortable.
I cut my eyes at her. “Rachel, now is not the right time.”
“I get the feeling that it’s never going to be the right time.” I opened my mouth to say something, but she put her hand up. “I know my opinion is unwelcome, so I’ll just be going.”
“Rachel, don’t leave.”
“No. It’s okay. I’ve got some errands that I need to run anyway. Brian and I will drop by tomorrow.” Rachel grabbed her purse and left before I could say anything else.
JC broke the awkward silence that had settled over the room. “Can I hold him?”
Justin seemed reluctant to let Jonah go. “You can hold him, but you’ve got to sit down first.”
“Why?”
Justin smiled at JC. “You know you’ve got fumble fingers. If you drop my baby, I’d have to kick your ass.”
“I can’t believe you said that.” JC looked to me for support, but I just shrugged my shoulders.
“You are kind of clumsy.”
“So y’all are just gonna gang up on me, huh?” JC sat down in the chair beside my bed and Justin carefully placed Jonah into his arms.
The three of us sat in that room for hours laughing, talking and fussing over Jonah. That was also the day that Justin asked JC to be Jonah’s godfather. For a minute there it seemed like we were going to be okay. Justin and JC had disagreements, but they didn’t despise each other yet. And there actually seemed to be hope that maybe Justin and I would get our act together too. I would have cherished the moment more, if I had known how short lived it was going to be. It wouldn’t be much longer before Justin and JC could barely stand to be in the same room together. As far as Justin and me, that’s a mess that we’re still trying to untangle.
Eventually, I put Jonah to bed and JC left. He understood that Justin and I had a lot of things to talk about.
Justin sat down on the edge of the bed and took my hand. “Have you made any decision about coming to Virginia? I’m not trying to rush you or anything. But I’m leaving in a couple of weeks and there’s a lot we need to do before then.”
I just blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. “I don’t trust you Justin.”
“Kay. . .”
“Let me finish. I don’t trust you. I really want to, but I just don’t. You haven’t given me many reasons to trust you. If you want me and Jonah to come with you, you’ve got to give me something to hold on to.”
“I want to be able to tell you that if you give me another chance that I won’t disappoint you. But I can’t do that. I don’t know if I can do any of this. I don’t know if I can be a good father. I can’t promise you that I can be a good man for you. All I can do is promise you that I’ll try. It’s not much, but that’s all I can give you right now.”
He looked sincere, he sounded sincere and I think he meant what he said. But that’s the trick with Justin. He means what he says while he’s saying it, but he’s fickle. He can change on the dime and what he says one day, doesn’t mean anything the next.
But I was not yet wise to all of his trickery and word play. At the time, I admired his honesty. I would have been immediately suspicious if he had promised me perfection, but he readily admitted to being flawed. I felt like maybe he needed me as much as I needed him.
I told him that I needed a little more time to think it over, but the truth is my decision was made the very second that I saw him holding Jonah in his arms. I kept Justin in suspense for a couple of days before letting him know that I was willing to give living with him a try.
He was so excited when I said yes. He told me that we could take things slow. He said that it would be good for us to be together away from the pressures and temptations of Los Angeles. It would just be me, him and Jonah. He would work during the day, then come home and spend time with us at night. He said that he knew we had a long way to go, but if we worked at it we could be a family.
That’s not exactly the way that it turned out.
