Part One: Always on My Mind
September 2006
“Have you been avoiding me?”
Damn. A woman can’t even get an after dinner snack without being crept up on. Since we’ve been out here in the country, Justin has turned into a first class bug-a-boo. Every time I turn around, there he is grinning at me like a lunatic. And to think, there was a time when I would have been in heaven to have Justin’s undivided attention.
Right now, I’m just annoyed.
I close the refrigerator and try to put a smile on my face before I turn around to face him. “No. Of course not.”
Time for some real talk. I have definitely been avoiding Justin, but I’ve got a legitimate reason.
We’ve been in Tennessee for about a month now and I’ve spent the majority of that time trying to decide whether or not to tell Justin that he shouldn’t go back to Atlanta with me and Jonah. Until I can come to some sort of decision, I think my best course of action is to spend as little time with him as possible.
I may not be ready to cut him off completely, but I am well aware of the fact that I don’t need to be alone with him. The night when I almost kissed him, made me realize that.
It’s not easy to duck someone when you’re stuck in the same house with them in the middle of nowhere, but I’ve been managing.
“So, you haven’t been dodging me?”
“Not at all. You’re paranoid.”
Justin raises an eyebrow and purses his lips, but doesn’t have the nerve to come right out and accuse me of lying. “Am I?”
“Yes.”
“Then why does it seem like you’re trying to think of a way to get out of this room right now?”
That’s because I am trying to think of a way to get out of the room. “That’s ridiculous.” I make a move to go around Justin and he blocks me.
“What’s the rush?”
“There isn’t one.” I try to step to the side of him again and he blocks me again.
Justin is trying not to let his impatience show, but he’s doing a horrible job. “Can you stop planning your escape for five seconds and talk to me?”
“What do you want?”
“Since this is our last night here and you haven’t spent more than five minutes alone with me, I was hoping that we could go out tonight. Just me and you.”
“It’s late.”
Justin looks at his watch and then looks at me. “Kay, it’s barely eight o’clock.” He points out the kitchen window. “It’s not even dark yet.”
“But it will be.”
It should be obvious at this point that I simply don’t want to go, but Justin has never known how to take no for an answer. “What if I promise to have you back before the sun sets?”
“Jonah needs his bath.” I make another move for the door, but Justin is a lot quicker than me.
“Mama already helped Jonah take a bath.”
“You know he can’t fall asleep without . . . ”
“Without a story. Yeah, I know. Paul’s reading to him right now.”
“Well I need to pack.”
“I passed by your room earlier today and saw you packing.”
Justin leans back against the counter with a very satisfied look on his face because he knows that he’s blown through every one of my sorry excuses. He’s staring me down while I try in vain to think of some reason why I can’t go out with him. I could just say no. But if I had any luck with just saying no to Justin, I wouldn’t be in this predicament to start with, now would I?
Why is it always so much easier to just give in? “Fine. What do you want to do?”
“We can take my bike out for a ride.”
“I’m not getting on a motorcycle with you.”
“Why not? It’ll be fun.”
“You make me fear for my life in enclosed vehicles.”
“I’m very safe when it comes to my motorcycle. And there’s like, no traffic around here. We’ll be fine.”
“What if I fall off?”
He barely suppresses a laugh. “You’re not going to fall off. All you have to do is hold onto me really tight and follow the movements of my body.” Justin gives me a slick grin and wiggles his eyebrows. “It’s almost like sex.”
“You just lost me. Now I know I’m not doing it.”
“That was probably a bad analogy. But I know that you will love this. I promise to go slow. Please.”
“Okay.”
Obviously he was lying about going slow. There’s no such thing as going slow on a motorcycle. But still, it’s really not that bad. I wrap my arms around his waist and press myself into his back. It’s almost nice to have a legitimate excuse to touch him this way. Almost.
The whole ride is kind of like a metaphor for my entire relationship with Justin. It’s kind of scary, and there’s a good chance that you might get hurt; but once you get on, you don’t want to get off.
I don’t know how long we’ve been riding, but I can see night falling all around us. Finally, we slow to a stop outside of some place called the *Shake Rag Store. There’s a ton of motorcycles parked outside and I can hear loud country music coming from inside.
“You talked me into going for a ride so that you could take me to a redneck biker bar? I’m not stepping a foot in that place.” I take off my helmet and start shaking out my hair.
“I can’t believe I risked my life so you could drag me off to a place like this. I ought to put my foot in your ass.” When I stop ranting and shove my helmet at Justin, I realize that he’s laughing at me.
“This amuses you somehow?”
“Yeah. I like it when you get all feisty and threaten to beat me up. It’s cute.”
“The cute will wear off when you’re picking your teeth up off the ground. Can we go somewhere else?”
“Stop being a snob.”
“I am not a snob. This just doesn’t look like the kind of place where I would be caught dead.”
“I know it looks sketchy from the outside, but I’ve been here before and it’s a really cool place. Everybody minds their own business and you can play pool or dance or whatever.” Justin holds out his hand to me. “Just come on.”
I refuse the offer of his hand but I do follow him. This place is every bit as low rent on the inside as the outside suggested. The decor looks like something out of a low budget 1975 action flick. Flickering neon signs, scratched up bar and surly looking customers included. There’s even sawdust on the floor. What the hell is that for? To soak up blood from the brawls that probably break out on a nightly basis?
The only thing missing is a mechanical bull.
Oops. I spoke too soon. A glance to the left reveals a mechanical bull with an out- of- order sign on it. That settles it. I’m officially in the ninth circle of hell.
Justin leads me over to a table and pulls out a chair for me. I drop down into the hard wooden seat and instantly my ears are assaulted by some bumpkin lamenting the loss of his woman, his truck and his dog.
“Ugh. Is that Garth Brooks?”
“Actually, I believe that’s Tim McGraw.”
“Big difference. This is foul, Justin.”
“Will you stop complaining? I didn’t carry on like this when you dragged me off to Little Five Points to see that Poison cover band.”
I can’t believe he remembers that. Way back when Justin and I first started dating, he came to see me on one of his rare free weekends. He basically wanted to spend forty eight hours in bed, but I begged him to go to the Star Bar with me to see a group called Posin. After clowning me thoroughly for my taste in music, he agreed to go with me. I could tell that he was absolutely miserable, but he never complained once. When we got back to his hotel, he sang Every Rose Has It’s Thorn to me. He’d only ever heard the song once, but he had memorized every single word just so that he could sing it to me.
It’s hard to believe there was a time when he was so sweet. Not that it matters. Those days are long gone.
“Are you sure that was me?”
“No offense, but you’re the only black woman I know that has a closet obsession with eighties hair bands.”
“That doesn’t prove anything.”
Justin leans across the table and stares into my eyes. “It must have been you because I would not have sat through some mess like that for anyone else on the planet. So don’t try to play it off.”
“Fine it was me. But I’m not ashamed. Talk Dirty to Me is poetry set to a rock and roll beat.”
“If you say so.” Justin taps the table with his fingertips and lets his eyes move around the room. He’s looking everywhere but at me. For someone that was so eager to get me alone, he certainly isn’t using the time to his advantage.
I’m staring at a crack in the ceiling when Justin finally decides to say something.
“Are you looking forward to getting back to work?”
“Yeah.” My reply is tinged with hesitation. I am excited, but I’m also nervous. I haven’t had a job in more than four years. When I think about it, it’s hard to believe that it’s been that long.
Before Justin and I left Atlanta, I had my official interview for a job at a small children’s clinic. I’ll only be working three days a week. But I think that’s okay for a start. I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew.
“You know that you don’t have to take this job. I’ll always make sure that you and Jonah have whatever you need.” Justin drops his gaze down to the table. “I know that I let you down when we first broke up, but I hope you know that will never happen again.”
Oh great. Another guilt-filled trip down memory lane. “I don’t want to talk about what happened when we broke up. It was a long time ago and neither one of us was behaving rationally. I trust you to take care of Jonah, but I don’t want to be dependent on you for the rest of my life. I need to have something of my own.”
“I can respect that.”
“I also need to get out of the house. I love talking to Jonah but some days he’s the only person that I talk to. There’s only so many conversations I can have about Sesame Street before I go insane.”
“Hey, hey. Don’t dis Big Bird.”
“I’m not the one that beat up Kermit the Frog on Saturday Night Live.”
“That damn frog provoked me. Everybody knows he had it coming.”
I try to suppress a giggle, but it escapes my mouth anyway. I hate the fact that Justin can make me laugh even when I really don’t want to.
The background conversations of the people around us start to become louder, cluing me into the fact that the dreadful song that was playing has come to an end. “Thank god. I didn’t think that guy was ever going to stop whining.”
Justin digs a couple of quarters out of his pocket and slides them across the table. “Here.”
“What am I supposed to do with this?” A mischievous look dances across Justin’s face. “Whatever you’re thinking about saying, don’t.”
“I was only going to suggest that you go to the jukebox. If you get there before someone else, you can pick a song you might like to hear.”
I wrinkle my nose at the suggestion. “As if there’s anything on there that I’ll like any better.”
“Stop being saddidy and go take a look.” Saddidy? No he did not call me saddidy, with his country ass.
Justin stands up and pulls out my chair. “I’ll grab us some drinks.”
“I’m not getting back on that motorcycle if you get drunk.”
“How irresponsible do you think I am?” I don’t even have to say anything. I just give him a look. “Don’t answer that. I’m not having anything stronger than a Coke.”
“Get me . . .”
Justin cuts me off. “You don’t have to tell me. I got you.”
“Are you sure?”
“I know what you like.” And there he goes again with the winking. I don’t think he knows how not to come onto me. Flirty is just his default mode. I don’t suppose I should hold that against him, but something about the sound of those words coming from his mouth made my stomach jump.
I stand in front of the jukebox and just as I suspected, it’s nothing but country music and southern rock from the seventies. I like all kinds of music, but I draw the line at Lynrd Sknyrd and Conway Twitty.
I’m contemplating my lack of choices when Justin comes up behind me and dangles a bottle of Corona in front of my face. “I’m impressed. I didn’t think a place like this would serve anything other than Pabst Blue Ribbon in a dirty glass.”
Justin leans over my shoulder and I can feel his breath against my ear when he speaks. “You’ve got all kinds of jokes. Have you always been this funny?”
“I’m hilarious. Always have been.” I raise my shoulder in an effort to create a little room between us, but Justin doesn’t budge. “Would you mind getting off my back?”
Without a second of hesitation, Justin straightens up and stands back. “Did you find a song?”
I shake my head. “I don’t see anything on here that won’t make my ears bleed.”
“That’s because you wouldn’t know good music if it bit you on your pretty little ass.” He reaches around me to pluck the quarters out of my hand. “Just go sit down and I’ll pick a song.”
“If you cue up Achy Breaky Heart or some crap like that, I’m walking back to the house.”
“Give me a little credit. I have slightly better taste than that.” A few seconds pass by and then a song starts playing. The scratchy, mournful voice of the singer is evoking heartbreak, regret and love gone wrong with every word that comes through the speakers.
Maybe I didn’t love you, quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I should have
Justin saunters back over to our table and sits down. “Justin, what the hell is this?”
If I made you feel second best, girl I’m sorry I was blind
“This is one of the best love songs ever recorded.”
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
“Why are you torturing me like this? You don’t even like country music.”
“I like country music when I’m in the country.” He looks at me as though what he just said makes perfect sense.
“It’s got plenty of competition, but I think that may be one of the dumbest things you’ve ever said.”
“These are my roots.”
“I always had my suspicions that you were an undercover redneck.”
“Why you always got to be cracking on me, Kay?”
“Because it’s easy and it’s fun.”
“Will you at least listen to the song? I chose it for a reason. A reason that won’t mean anything to you if you don’t listen.”
Maybe I didn’t hold you, all those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you, I’m so happy that you’re mine
I am listening to the song and I know exactly why he chose it. I’m simply trying my best not to care.
Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time
“This isn’t so bad, is it?”
“What’s not so bad?”
“Being here?” He reaches across the table and gently rests his hand on top of mine. “Being here with me?”
“It’s not the worst time I’ve ever had.”
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
There’s the tiniest glimmer of hope in Justin’s eyes. I don’t want to do anything to encourage it, but I can’t bring myself to totally shut him down either. All I know for sure is that it’s time to bring this night to an end.
“Justin, I think we should be getting back.”
“Are you sure? We just got here.” He looks at me expectantly and I know exactly what he wants. He wants me to tell him that I want to stay. He wants to hang out here, plying me with kind words and soft looks. He wants to laugh and joke and talk and he probably thinks that he’ll even be able to charm me into dancing a time or two.
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died
Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied
I’ll keep you satisfied
It’s a tempting offer, but I’ve been down this road one time too many. It never leads anywhere good. I slip my hand out of his grasp and stand up. “Yeah. I’m sure.”
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
He covers his disappointment with the saddest smile I’ve ever seen. “You’re probably right. We’ve got to get up early anyway if we want to beat the traffic on the interstate.”
I should probably take this opportunity to talk to him about us taking a break from one another. I probably should, but I don’t.
We’re halfway out the door when Justin touches my arm, causing me to turn around and look at him. “Before we go, can you at least tell me whether or not you liked the song?”
“It’s a very sweet song, Justin.” A smile starts to spread across his face. “But, it’s just a song.” I’ve never seen a smile die so fast. His hand drops away from me like dead weight.
The ride back to the house is different from the ride away from the house.
I’m still holding on to Justin, but not quite as tightly as before.
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
******************************************************************************
When we get back to the house, Paul is sitting on the sofa with Jonah by his side.
“What’s wrong?”
Paul sits up sleepily. “Jonah woke up a few minutes ago because he had a bad dream. Said he didn’t want to go back to bed until you got home.”
Jonah climbs off the sofa and comes over to take my hand. “Can I sleep with you, mama?”
“Of course you can, honey.” I start to head up the stairs, but Jonah reaches back for Justin’s hand.
“Can daddy come too?” Immediately, Justin looks to me. I sure as hell don’t want to share a bed with Justin, but him and Jonah are both watching me with the same needy expression on their faces.
“Yeah, he can come too.” I take Jonah upstairs and put him in my bed, then Justin and I go to change our clothes. I put on a pair of shorts and a long t shirt and brush my hair back into a ponytail.
Justin comes back wearing a tank top, a pair of boxer shorts and a doo rag. That’s right. This clown is wearing a doo rag. Jonah puts his hand up to his mouth and starts snickering like this is just the funniest thing he’s ever seen. Maybe it is the funniest thing he’s ever seen, cause Justin looks plain ridiculous.
I try to hold my tongue, but I just have to say something. “Justin, why do you have that thing on your head?”
“I’m trying to keep my waves tight.” He says this in all seriousness.
“What waves? Boy, you don’t even have any hair.”
“I do too have hair.” He couldn’t sound more immature if he tried.
“You do not need a doo rag to hold together that thimbleful of naps.”
“Listen woman. I’m trying to preserve my sexy.” I don’t even know if he really understands what Justin is saying, but Jonah literally falls out laughing.
“I’m sorry I said anything. Just get your silly self in this bed, so we can all go to sleep.”
I get on the left side of Jonah and Justin settles down on the right. Jonah gives each of us a kiss on the cheek and snuggles down between us.
Justin and I are lying down face to face, looking into each other’s eyes over Jonah’s head. Or at the very least, Justin is looking into my eyes. I want to roll over, but I’m not going to turn my back to my child. I just close my eyes instead.
I wake up sometime later only to find that Jonah has climbed his way around to the other side of Justin. The bed is plenty big and he’s clinging to the back of Justin’s shirt, so I know there’s no danger of him falling on the floor. What concerns me though, is that he’s no longer providing a much needed buffer zone between Justin and me.
I look at Justin and find myself unable to resist the temptation to smooth the tips of my fingers across the smooth skin of his cheek. He sighs contentedly in his sleep and moves closer to me, slinging his arm across my waist. I know that I should elbow him in the ribs and tell him to back up off of me, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Even in the dim lighting of this room, I can tell that he actually looks peaceful right now.
Justin tries to put on a brave and confident face, but going public about me and Jonah was a huge risk for him and he’s got to be freaking out on the inside. I know that I shouldn’t be concerned about his feelings, but I am. I can’t deprive him of whatever small amount of comfort he’s found in his sleep.
I roll over onto my back and say a silent prayer. A prayer for strength. A prayer for a little comfort of my own.
I close my eyes and try to get at least a little sleep. We’ve got a long journey ahead of us.
In more ways than one.
