Part Two: Sign Your Name
September 2006
We’ve only been back in Atlanta for two weeks, but it hasn’t taken Justin and I long time to work out a schedule. On the days that I work, he drops Jonah off at school in the mornings and picks him up in the afternoons. He spends the rest of the afternoon playing with Jonah or helping him with his reading. Then when I get home we have dinner together.
It’s been working out pretty well so far. Justin has been keeping the flirting to a minimum and he’s been trying to keep some boundaries between us. At this point he’s no more annoying than the average roommate.
But I know that this arrangement can’t last forever. Sooner or later we are going to have to have a serious talk about where all this is going. I’m a total punk though, so I’m voting for later.
As soon as I step through the door, I can hear Justin’s voice. “How was work?”
I come into the living room only to find him sprawled out on the sofa with the remote in his hand. His junk is all over the place. Tennis shoes here. Magazines there. What happened to the neat freak that I used to know?
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask him to get off his behind and clean up his junk, but that would only start a fight. And there’s no need for that. We’ll be fighting soon enough when I tell him where I’m going tonight.
“Work was fine. Where’s Jonah?”
“He’s taking a nap. He wasn’t feeling too good when I picked him up from school.”
“Is he okay?”
“Yeah. He’s just got an upset stomach. One of the kids in his class had a birthday party and Jonah filled himself up with cake and ice cream. He was moaning and groaning like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Did you give him something for his stomach?”
“Of course I did.”
“Okay.”
“Since it’s just you and me for dinner, what do you want to have?”
“Actually, it’s just going to be you for dinner. I’m going out tonight.”
Another thing that I’ve avoided discussing with Justin is JC. I finally gave in and called him. At first he was highly pissed that I had ignored all the messages that he left before I went to Tennessee. I talked to him for a little while and he calmed down long enough to invite me to his place for dinner.
Justin puts the remote down and sits up straight. “I know that I acted like an idiot the last time you had a date, but I promise not to do that anymore. You don’t have to hide it from me if you want to go out with someone.”
“It’s not a date. JC wants me to see his new place, so he invited me over for dinner.”
Justin’s face goes slack at the mere mention of JC’s name.
“I need to start getting ready now. I’ll check in on Jonah before I leave.”
“Uh huh.” He isn’t even listening anymore. “Is this like a house warming party or something?” The tone of Justin’s voice lets me know that he’s shifting gears into smart ass mode.
“What?”
“Is JC having a party? Are other people going to be there?”
“Well, no.”
“Are you having take out or is he actually cooking?”
“He mentioned that he was going to cook. But I really don’t know where you’re going with this.”
“Don’t worry. I only have one more question. Did he specifically ask you not to bring Jonah?”
“Well . . . he . . . yes.”
“That’s a date.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes it is. That’s a date and you know it. And I can tell you exactly how it’s gonna go down.”
“I don’t have time for this.” I leave the room in an attempt to get away from whatever nonsense Justin is about to come up with, but he follows me.
“When you first get there, the lights will be turned down so low that you’ll need a seeing eye dog to make it from the front door to the sofa.”
“I’m not listening.”
“He’ll have a mix cd playing and I can guarantee you that every single song is going to be about sex. Then he’ll pull out some funky ass French wine and try to get you lit up, so that you’re too drunk to drive home. Then . . .”
“You can stop right there. That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard and I don’t want to hear anymore. JC invited me over as a friend. This is not a date.”
I head into the bathroom and Justin is right on my heels as though he thinks that he can follow me in there. “You may not think it’s a date, but I’ll bet you anything that JC thinks it’s a date.”
“For the last time, it is not a date. And even if it is . . .”
“I know, even if it is a date, it’s none of my business. I just want to give you one piece of advice and then you won’t hear another peep out of me.”
“What?”
“If he invites you into his bedroom to look at the mirror on the ceiling, run and don’t look back.”
He doesn’t look the slightest bit surprised when I slam the bathroom door in his face.
After checking on Jonah, I had to endure Justin’s unsolicited critique of my outfit before I could get out of the house:
“Is that a dress?”
“Are you sure that’s a dress? Cause it looks like a slip. A really skimpy slip.”
“Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable in a pair of jeans and a sweater? A big, baggy sweater. Maybe one of my sweaters?”
“I’m not being nosy. I just care enough not to let you leave the house looking like a hooker.”
And last, but not least:
“Do you even have a bra on?”
After telling him for the thousandth time to butt out, I left.
******************************************************************************
JC decided not to get the condo that he had originally looked at and bought a penthouse instead. A three thousand square foot penthouse on the top floor of a high rise.
I’m trying not to let any of the stupid things that Justin said get to me, but it’s a long ride up to the twenty seventh floor. The elevator comes to a stop and the doors slide open, depositing me right in front of JC’s place.
I lightly tap on the door and it springs open instantly, as though JC was standing right there waiting for me. He leans forward and kisses my cheek. “You look great, Kayla.”
“So do you.” And he really does. He’s dressed simply in a white button down shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans. His hair is short and kind of messy and he’s even wearing his glasses. But he could not look more incredible at this moment.
My compliment causes a light blush to warm up his cheeks, which only makes him look even more adorable. “Are you going to let me in?”
“Oh right. Sorry.” He smiles and steps back, granting me room to step inside. He hangs back, giving me time to walk around and explore.
JC has sophisticated tastes and everything in here is a reflection of that. The room is done in varying shades of cream and brown; textures spanning the spectrum from silk to leather. The carpeting is plush and deep, the kind that your feet sink right into. There’s paintings and sculptures placed all around the room in a manner that seems haphazard and perfectly planned at the same time. So far, the place looks like something you’d see in Architectural Digest. Yet, it all seems touchable and inviting.
“Everything looks beautiful. You have excellent taste. When do I get the full tour?”
“Maybe after we eat, but there is something that I want to show you right now.”
JC tries to lead me by the hand, but my feet won’t budge. “It’s not a mirror is it?”
He looks at me in confusion. “What?”
“Oh nothing. It’s something stupid that Ju-.” I catch myself before I can finish saying his name. “Never mind.”
JC takes me down the hallway and opens up a door. The room he shows me is too cute for words. It’s decorated in bright red, blue and yellow with the most adorable child sized furniture. There’s Spiderman posters on the wall and a toybox that’s so full, the lid on it won’t even close.
“This is so precious. Who is this for?”
JC looks at me like I’m slow. “This is for Jonah. I just figured that if you ever needed for me to keep him, he’d have his own room. If you don’t like the decorations, I can change it.”
“I wouldn’t change a thing. This is very sweet and thoughtful. Thank you.” I lean forward and give him a kiss that lingers a little longer than I had intended for it to. At first he seems caught off guard by my gesture, but he recovers quickly and starts to return my kiss full force.
The next thing I know, we’re leaned against the wall making out like teenagers. Hands everywhere. This is nice, but a very bad idea and I know it. I don’t want to offend JC, so I push him away as gently as I can.
“Dinner smells good. We don’t want it to get cold.”
JC slides his mouth to my neck and whispers against my skin. “That’s what microwaves are for.”
Part of me wants to keep right on doing what we’re doing, but common sense prevails. For the moment anyway. “Seriously, we shouldn’t be doing this.”
JC pulls away from me hesitantly. “You’re right.” He takes my hand and leads me into the dining room. This room is decorated just as beautifully as the rest of his home. The hardwood floors and cherry oak furnishings are polished to a high gloss and the whole room is bathed in candlelight.
The dinner that he’s prepared is simple, but delicious. We’re having Coq Au Vin, (which is just the fancy French way to say chicken in wine), a lightly seasoned tossed salad and roasted new potatoes. And he actually cooked this himself. A thoughtful, handsome, kindhearted man that knows how to kiss and cook? I could get used to this.
But I’ve promised myself that I will be on my best behavior tonight. There will not be a repeat of the impromptu make out session that we had earlier in the evening.
Get thee behind me, Satan.
******************************************************************************
After dinner, I insisted on helping JC clean up and now we’ve retired to the living room with two glasses and a bottle of wine. I don’t want to validate the nonsense that Justin was talking by saying that JC is trying to get me drunk, but between the booze on that bird and what’s in my glass, I’m getting pretty toasty. I’m not drunk, but I am highly buzzed.
And the mix cd that’s pumping in through his sound system definitely seems designed to create a certain mood. The playlist so far has included, Prince, James Blunt, D’Angelo, David Gray, Avant, Babyface, my beloved Maxwell and other assorted male singers that all seem to be professing their love, begging for sex or some combination of the two. I’m not saying that JC is necessarily trying to get me in the mood, but I’m getting there, just the same.
JC is talking to me, but none of what he’s saying is really registering in my brain. I don’t know if it’s the wine, the music or just the fact that he always goes out of his way to make me feel special, but I find myself wanting JC in a way that I never have before. I’m trying to hold my emotions in check, but it feels like a losing battle.
Fortunately you have
Someone who relies on you
We started out as friends
But the thought of you just caves me in
JC takes off his glasses and puts them on the coffee table in front of us. “I’m really glad that you came over tonight. I was actually kind of surprised when you showed up.”
“What made you think that I wasn’t going to come?”
“I just know that sometimes Justin has a way of getting you to change your plans. He basically hijacks your life and I didn’t know . . . ”
I put my finger against JC’s lips. “I don’t want to talk about Justin tonight. I don’t want to think about him either. As a matter of fact, why don’t we just pretend that he doesn’t even exist?”
“That’s a very good idea.” JC looks at me and his eyes are glowing like bright blue flames. He presses a kiss against my lips and it deepens instantly.
We’ve certainly kissed before, but it’s never felt like this. There is an intensity and an urgency that’s never been there before. Suddenly every touch seems rushed, but like it can’t happen soon enough at the same time.
JC leaves a trail open mouthed kisses down my neck and onto my shoulder, sliding the thin spaghetti straps of my dress out of his way as he goes. His lips feel like crushed velvet against my skin. His touch is making me shiver.
The battle is lost.
The symptoms are so deep
It is much too late to turn away
We started out as friends
I stand up from the sofa, grabbing JC by the hand and pulling him up with me. I start walking backwards toward the hallway and he’s following me without any hesitation.
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my baby
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my lady
As we continue to walk he raises an eyebrow and asks me, “Where are you taking me?”
“This is your place. You tell me.” JC takes the lead and ushers me into his bedroom. Instinctively I glance up and breathe a sigh of relief when I see that there isn’t a mirror on the ceiling.
JC glances up then slowly lets his gaze settle on me. “You looking for something?”
“Yeah.” I pull JC closer to me and gently brush my lips against his. It’s not even a kiss, just the bare minimum of contact, but still it makes my pulse quicken. I can’t remember the last time that I felt this way.
Time I'm sure will bring
Disappointments in so many things
It seems to be the way
When you’re gambling cards on love you play
There’s a voice in my head telling me to stop before it’s too late. I know that once we do this there won’t be any turning back. But the part of me that’s saying stop is drowned out by the chorus of voices that are shouting for me to go on.
I'd rather be in Hell with you baby
Than in cool Heaven
It seems to be the way
I put my hands against JC’s chest and I can feel his heart beating wildly beneath my touch. I make a move to kiss him, but he drops his hands to my waist, stopping me.
“Are you sure about this, Kayla? I won’t be upset if you change your mind. I just need to know that you really want this. Are you sure that you want to be with me?”
“I’m sure.” JC leans in to kiss me and we slowly start to undress each other. We make our way to the bed and he explores every inch of my body as though he is savoring the experience.
By the time he’s done with me, there isn’t a spot on my body that hasn’t felt the warm, wetness of his tongue or the gentle caress of his touch. He’s been taking his time with me and it feels like the sweetest form of torture, but enough is enough. I need to feel him inside of me right now.
He kisses his way up my body until we’re face to face and I can tell that he’s just as ready as I am. I draw my knees up against his sides and I can feel his hardness pressed against me. I close my eyes in anticipation of something that’s been a long time in the making. Something that we’ve both known was going to happen.
All alone with you
Makes the butterflies in me arise
Slowly we make love
“Look at me.”
I slowly open my eyes and the intensity of JC’s gaze is almost too much to bare. I want to let my eyes drift shut again, but I can’t close myself off to the electric blue of his eyes. My eyes remain wide open, even as I feel him slide inside of me. He hooks his arms under my legs, moving them further apart, allowing him to move deeper into me.
And the earth rotates
To our dictates
Slowly we make love
“Kayla.” He whispers my name softly and intimately. “Kayla.” He says my name like it’s a sacred word. Like I’m sacred to him. “Kayla, I . . . ”
I pull him down to me so that I can swallow his words inside of a kiss. The look in his eyes, the sound of his voice, the passion in his touch, have already told me what he’s about to say. But I can’t stand to hear it.
I don’t want to hear it.
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my baby
******************************************************************************
I wake with a crook in my neck and the heaviness of regret sitting in my chest. I sit up slowly and glance at the clock on JC’s night stand. The blinking red digits tell me that it’s almost one o’clock in the morning. Common sense tells me that I need to get the hell out of here.
What in the hell was I thinking?
Sleeping with JC had seemed like a good idea a few hours ago, but now it has mistake written all over it. I can feel myself starting to panic.
As quietly as I can, I ease myself off the bed and start creeping around the room; putting on various items of my clothing as I find them. I put my hand on the bed for support as I stoop down to look for my shoes. When I apply a little weight the mattress springs creek and when I look up, I find myself face to face with JC.
“What are you doing, Kayla?” The question is obviously rhetorical because I know that he knows what I’m doing. Or at least what I was trying to do.
“I was just, um . . . ”
“You were leaving. And you weren’t even going to say anything.” JC doesn’t look particularly surprised. He just looks disappointed. “You were just going to get up and go. Was it really so horrible that you didn’t even want to talk about it?”
“How could you say that?”
“Usually, people don’t leave joyful experiences behind by creeping out like a cat burglar.”
“It’s late and I need to go. I didn’t want to disturb your sleep, but I was going to leave a note.” That is a total lie. I was not going to slow down my get away by stopping to write a note.
“No, you weren’t. You were just going to leave and probably pretend that this never happened. The same way that you pretend that nothing has ever happened between us.”
“Don’t be like this JC. Last night was very special to me. I don’t want to ruin the experience by talking it to death.”
“This isn’t about me talking it to death. This is about you not wanting to talk about it at all. And I asked you, Kayla. I asked you if you were sure that you wanted this and you said you were.”
“Well obviously, I didn’t understand what you were really asking me.”
“Don’t play dumb. Did you honestly think that I was just asking you for a one night stand? I could have cheap meaningless sex with anybody. I thought you understood that I was asking you for more than that. I guess I was stupid to think that it would mean something to you just because it meant something to me.”
“It did mean something to me.”
“Don’t bother telling me what we both know is a lie. I don’t know what else to do Kayla. I’ve been there for you. I’ve listened and given advice and I never judged you, not once. I love Jonah like he was my own. I’ve done everything I can to let you know how I feel and you just seem determined to ignore what I’m telling you.”
“I care about you, JC. You know that. If it weren’t for Justin . . . ”
Anger like I’ve never seen before flashes through JC’s eyes. “Just stop. You can’t use Justin as a prop for the rest of your life. He only has as much control over your life as you let him have. If you wanted to be with me, if you really wanted to give me a chance, you would.”
“I just . . . I’m not ready for this and I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that I was.”
JC frames my face with his hands, forcing me to look him in the face. “I understand that you’re scared and I don’t want to rush you. I know that it’s probably hard for you to trust anybody. I also know that you’re carrying a lot of hurt inside of you. If I knew a way to take your pain for myself, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t do that. All I can do is promise you that I won’t lie to you or cheat on you. All I can do is love you.”
The patience and sincerity in his voice is tearing my heart apart. “Please don’t say anything else.”
“I love you, Kayla.” He’s been saying this to me for so long in so many different ways, but this is the first time that he’s actually said it out loud. I have always tried so hard to stop him from saying those words because I knew that once that cat was out of the bag, there wouldn’t be any going back.
I look into JC’s eyes and what I see there scares me to death. I see unconditional love. I see an opportunity to have something better than what I’m used to. I see things that I want with all my heart. I see things that I’m not entirely sure that I deserve. I see light and hope and a heart that’s open wide, just waiting for me to come inside.
I can’t stand to see anymore.
I pull away from JC. “I’ve got to go.”
“Don’t leave like this.”
I’m moving so quickly that I don’t even stop to put my other shoe on. I just hop my way toward the door. “I’ll call you.” I hastily shout this over my shoulder, not even taking a moment to look back. I run into the elevator and frantically press the button until the door closes. Once I reach the parking garage, I jump in my car and burn rubber like the devil himself is chasing me.
I know what you’re thinking and I couldn’t agree more.
I’m a bitch.
Song Lyrics
Sign Your Name - Terence Trent D’arby
