Part Three: Fallen
September 2006
I pull the car into the driveway but instead of getting out, I just sit there for a minute. In the dead silence of the night the ringing of my cell phone is deafening, but I don’t have any intention of answering. I already know exactly who it is and I know what he wants. When I pick the phone up to switch it to mute, I can see that in addition to the calls from JC, I’ve also got missed calls from Justin. I glance toward the house and feel relieved to see that all the lights are out. All I can do is hope that Justin is asleep by now. I’ll try to deal with him in the morning, but I can’t do it now. I don’t feel like doing anything right now but curling up into a big ball.
I catch my own eyes in the rearview mirror, but I quickly look away. I can’t stand the sight of my own reflection. I had always told myself that there was a certain line that I would not cross with JC, but I did cross it and there’s no going back now. I’ve just ruined my relationship with the only man that has ever really tried to be there for me and I don’t even know why I did it.
My life is a mess and I just keep finding new and spectacular ways to make it even more of a mess. I slump forward and let my head rest against the steering wheel, as tears start to slide down my cheeks.
For the longest time I thought Justin was the problem. I believed that if I could just extricate myself from him, I’d be okay. But I can’t blame him for this. This mistake is one hundred percent Kayla and I don’t have any idea of how to fix it.
What I want to do is go and get Jonah, put him in the car and just drive. Drive until we’re as far away from here as we can get. I want to run away from home. I don’t want to deal with any of what I know is about to come my way. But I’m supposed to be an adult and adults aren’t allowed to run a way from home. Adults have to stay, take responsibility for what they’ve done and deal with the consequences. So what I need to do is dry up these tears and try to get some sleep.
I ease my way into the front door as quietly as I can. I breathe a sigh of relief because it looks like the coast is clear. But as I walk past the sofa, Justin springs up from out of nowhere like a jack in the box. He reaches over to the end table to click on the lamp and I squint my eyes as they adjust to the light. “You scared me Justin.”
He looks me up and down through his squinted gaze, taking in every aspect of my appearance. “You shouldn’t be so jumpy.” His voice is low and strangely calm.
“I’m not jumpy. I just didn’t expect to find you wide awake at two o’clock in the morning.”
“And I didn’t expect for you to come creeping in here from your “it’s not a date” at two o’clock in the morning. I guess we’ve both had our surprises for the night.”
“You shouldn’t have been waiting up for me.”
“I couldn’t sleep. You didn’t call and you wouldn’t answer your phone when I called you. I was worried.”
“JC and I started talking and I guess we lost track of time. It’s not a big deal.” The lie rolls off my tongue effortlessly. I wonder if it was always so easy for him. So easy to look in the face of someone that you care about and tell a bold, pointless lie.
I know that he knows. He hasn’t said anything, but I can tell by the look on his face, that he knows what happened tonight. I brace myself for a verbal assault, but he just smiles at me.
“Why do I feel like we’ve had this conversation before?”
“We have had this conversation before. Just flip the roles and we’ve had this conversation about a thousand times.”
“I guess. I’m just not used to being on this end of it.” I’m looking off to the side, trying to avoid Justin’s gaze, but he’s staring straight at me. “Did you have a good time at least?”
I search his voice and his face for some sign of nastiness or sarcasm, but surprisingly I find none. “Yeah. It was fine.”
As I start to move toward the hallway, Justin’s voice stops me dead in my tracks. “I just asked cause it kind of looks like you’ve been crying.”
“I haven’t been crying. I’m just tired. That’s all.” I take another step away from him, but he lets out a sigh. A loud and weary sigh that makes him sound old and tired.
“We all make mistakes, Kay. God knows I’ve made mine. But sooner or later you’ve got to learn something. If you keep making the same kinds of mistakes over and over again, they’re no longer mistakes. It just becomes a part of who you are.”
As usual, I’m incapable of getting anything over on Justin. Just one glance at me and he saw straight through to my heart. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“If you want to pretend that you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s fine. I just hope you know what you’re getting yourself into. JC is like a stray dog. It’s okay to pat him on the head a few times. But start feeding him and he’ll never go away.”
I turn around and walk back to Justin. I stand in front of him until he looks up into my face. “I didn’t ask for your advice. I don’t want your advice.”
“Fair enough. You’re going to do whatever you want to do anyway. I just don’t understand why you insist on digging yourself in deeper when you need to be trying to get out.”
Justin is entirely too calm about this. I had expected a knock down drag out. Yelling, name calling, the whole nine. But he’s just sitting there. I can’t stop the look of confusion that spreads out over my face.
“You look disappointed, Kay. Was the sex that bad or does it just seem like a waste of time now that I’m not upset about it?”
I drop my eyes to the floor and stumble over my words. “I didn’t. . .we didn’t. . .” Justin does to me, what I seldom had the nerve to do to him. He cuts my lie off before I can even get it out of my mouth.
“Don’t. I’m going to feel like a real piece of shit if I find out I’ve turned you into a liar on top of everything else.”
For some reason, his attempt at maturity and refusal to argue is pissing me off more than if he had jumped down my throat. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to sit there and act smug and superior. You have no right.”
“I know that. You’re right.”
“What kind of trick is this?”
“This isn’t a trick. Whatever you did or didn’t do with JC is none of my business. I won’t lie. I was sitting here, watching the clock and I was getting heated. I had thought up a rather impressive list of really nasty things that I could say to you, but then it occurred to me that I don’t have a leg to stand on. I don’t know about you, but when I said that I was trying to grow up, that’s what I meant. I’m tired of acting like a child and I’m tired of fighting with you, Kay. So you can do whatever you think is best and I won’t say another word.”
“Well, good. Because I know what I’m doing.” Nothing could be further from the truth and his nonchalant attitude has left me more confused than ever.
He gives me a lazy smile and shrugs his shoulders. “Not a problem.”
A realization settles down on me and creates a heaviness around my heart. I wanted him to care. I wanted him to yell at me. I feel guilty as hell and I needed for him to argue with me. I need to turn some of the anger I have inside, outward. He has denied me the opportunity, leaving me to deal with my demons all on my own. It seems unfair somehow.
I don’t know how to deal with the Justin that I see before me. I could have dealt with angry, irrational and immature. But quiet, calm, and reasonable is more than I can handle right now.
I don’t know what Justin is up to and I’m too tired to try and figure it out. Without bothering to say goodnight, I turn on my heel, heading for my bedroom. As I step into the hallway, I trip over a suitcase that’s sitting there. “What’s this doing sitting in the middle of the floor?”
“I’m leaving.” He announces this without any fanfare at all.
“What do you mean, you’re leaving? Is that the game you’re playing? You sit there and pretend not to care what I do, then just suddenly announce that you’re leaving. That’s very mature Justin. If you’re pissed off about me and JC, why don’t you just say so?”
“Contrary to your belief, the world doesn’t revolve around you, me and the dysfunctional mess that we’ve got going. I’m leaving because I have to go to New York to meet with some executives from Jive.”
“Why is this the first that I’m hearing about that?”
“Johnny called after you left. According to him, the label is losing patience with me and if I’m still interested in having a career, I need to kiss start kissing a whole lot of ass.”
“You should have called me. I would have come home sooner.”
“I did call you. I guess you were too busy doing whatever you were doing with JC to answer the phone.”
The missed calls on my cell had completely slipped my mind. “I put my phone on mute while I was at work. I guess I forgot to turn it back on.”
Justin just looks at me and shakes his head. “You really don’t need to make up these kinds of excuses for me, Kay.”
“Do you actually have the nerve to sit there and accuse me of lying?”
“I’m not going to give you the argument that you’re spoiling for, so you just need to stop.”
I open my mouth in preparation for denying his statement, but nothing comes out. Justin has read me and this situation with one hundred percent accuracy. Anything I say at this point will just make me sound as ridiculous as I feel.
I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Justin be the most mature person in this room. I push down the conflicted emotions I’m feeling and make a concentrated effort to change the subject. “Did you already tell Jonah that you’re leaving?”
“Yeah. He seems to be taking it pretty well. I mean, he doesn’t want me to go but he understands that I have to work.” A smile spreads out over Justin’s face and he lets out a quiet laugh. “Do you know what he said to me when I told him that I was leaving?”
“What?”
“He told me that he was gonna miss me and he’d be glad when I got back. Then he said he’d be even gladder, if I had a puppy with me the next time he saw me. Can you believe that? JoJo is a junior hustler.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less from your son.”
“Oh, so he’s my son when he’s being sheisty?”
“Hell yeah. He didn’t learn it from me.” Justin laughs along with me and I can feel some of the tension leaving the room. The fatigue I’m feeling starts to sink in on me, so I cross over to the armchair and sit down.
“Do you think the people at Jive are going to give you a hard time?”
“I’m going to get reamed. I completely ignored their advice to not go public about Jonah and then I went to Tennessee for a month and didn’t return any of their phone calls. I caused a media shit storm and then went underground. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that no one is all that pleased with me right now.”
“How long do you think you’ll be gone?”
“I’m way behind on everything and I’ve got to play catch up. After they get through yelling at me, I’ll probably be locked in the studio. I’ve got to polish up the first single. I need to look at video treatments, audition dancers, shoot promo pictures and the cd cover. I think it’s safe to say that I’ll be out of your hair for quite a while.”
And there it is, handed to me on a silver platter. Justin will be gone for who knows how long and I didn’t even have to ask him to leave. I suppose that this should be good news. But somehow, I’m not as happy as I thought I’d be.
A thought comes into my brain and translates itself into words before I can stop myself. “I’m going to miss you.”
Surprise registers on Justin’s face, but he immediately wipes it away. “You don’t have to say that, Kay. I know that you’re probably thrilled to get rid of me.”
“I’m not just saying that. You’re a big old pain in the ass, but I’ve gotten used to you being here.”
“Once I get settled and have some idea of what my schedule is going to be like, maybe you and Jonah could come see me. If you want to.”
“That sounds like a good idea.”
“Okay.” Justin stands up yawns, stretching his long arms high above his head. “I’ve got to leave pretty early in the morning. I should probably try to get some sleep now.”
“Yeah.” I get up and move closer to Justin.
“You’ll probably be asleep when I leave, so I guess this is it, huh?”
“I guess.” I slowly raise my head and allow myself to look Justin directly in the face. The calm casual expression on his features is belied by the worry and sadness in his eyes. “Justin. . .”
He lays his index finger against my slightly parted lips, silencing me. “I can’t, Kayla. I can’t have this conversation. Maybe we should, but I just can’t.” He draws me into a tight embrace and whispers into my ear. “I’ll miss you too.” He holds onto me for just a second longer, and then he just lets go. He walks away from me and goes into his room, closing the door behind him.
I stand there for a moment, surrounded by all the things we left unsaid. So often that’s the case with me and Justin. The words that we won’t allow ourselves to utter always carry so much more weight than the insignificant things that we waste our time talking about.
I can just add this to the long list of conversations that we never had. Another time when we’ve talked and said absolutely nothing at all.
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I’m lying in bed listening to Justin move around the house. I can tell that he’s trying his best to be quiet, but the truth is my eyes popped open the second that I heard him turn on the shower this morning. I tell myself to stay put until after he’s gone, but I’ve never been good at leaving well enough alone.
I shuffle my way through the house until I find Justin. He looks up at the sound of my approaching footsteps. “I was trying to be quiet, I hope I didn’t wake you up.”
“No. I couldn’t sleep anyway.” He’s leaning over the kitchen counter chomping on a Snickers bar and drinking a Pepsi. “Please tell me that’s not what you’re having for breakfast.”
“This is fine.”
“You need real food.” I start to head toward the fridge. “Let me make you something.”
“You don’t need to go through any trouble for me. You know I can get by for hours on a little caffeine and a lot of sugar.”
“Suit yourself.” I watch as he finishes up his candy bar and throws the wrapper in the trash. “What time are you leaving?”
He glances at this watch. “The car should be here to take me to the airport in about fifteen or twenty minutes. Why don’t you go back to bed?”
“I want to be awake when you leave.”
“Alright.” Justin leaves the kitchen and I follow him as he makes his way toward the front of the house. He looks around as he goes, trying to make sure that he’s not leaving anything behind.
“Do you have everything?”
“I think so.” He continues pacing back and forth from one room to the other until he starts to irritate me.
“Would you just sit down somewhere?” He doesn’t say anything in response. He just perches on the edge of the sofa. His leg is nervously bouncing up and down and it’s driving me crazy. I sit down beside him and put my hand on his knee, stilling his movement. “What’s wrong with you?”
He’s quiet for so long that I don’t think he’s going to answer me. “I don’t want to go.”
“I know that you think you’re going to get yelled at, but it probably won’t be as bad as you’re imagining.”
“I’m not worried about meeting with Johnny or those tight assed suits at Jive. I just don’t want to leave. I know that it’s only been four months, but being with you and Jonah just feels right. I like being here when Jonah gets out of school. I like going to the grocery store and helping you cook when you get home from work. This is the closest I’ve ever come to having a normal life and I don’t want to give it up.”
“You had to know that you were going to have to leave sooner or later. You can’t just hide out here with me and Jonah forever. Besides, you probably would have gone stir crazy in a couple of months anyway. You need to be out there doing what you do.”
“I know. I just thought I’d have more time.” He leans into me and rests his head against my shoulder. This is a far cry from the way things used to be. I can’t help but remember all the times when Justin would pack a bag and hit the bricks without tossing so much as a casual “see ya” over his shoulder.
The still quietness of the house and the gentle rhythm of Justin’s heart beating against my side, lull me into a feeling of contentment. The warmth coming from his body chases the slight chill from my bones. I put my arm around him and he instinctively turns into my touch, a soft sigh escaping his lips. We haven’t sat together like this since the night that we first met. Just as I feel my eyes starting to drift shut, the doorbell rings.
“Justin?” I call his name because despite the ringing of the doorbell, he hasn’t budged an inch.
“I know.” He reluctantly slides away from me and stands up. “I’ll probably only be in New York for two or three days. I’m not sure where I’ll have to go after that, but I’ll call you, okay?”
“Okay.”
He walks to the door and puts his hand on the knob, but he lets it drop off. “Kayla, I . . .” He stops short as though he’s struggling for the best way to put his thoughts into words. “I just want you to really think about what you’re doing right now.”
“I thought that you were going to stay out of this.”
“That’s what I thought too, but I can’t just leave without saying anything. I could stand here and tell you a lot of unflattering things about JC. I could tell you that he’s not the knight in shining armor that you’re making him out to be. But I won’t bother because it would just sound like I was being jealous and petty and you wouldn’t believe me anyway. I’m just asking you to be careful. That’s all.”
I look at Justin, searching for signs of dishonesty or a hidden agenda, but I don’t see anything. I’m trying to think of something to say to him, when the doorbell rings again.
He turns away from me and opens the door, allowing the driver to come inside and take his luggage out to the car. “Give Jonah a hug for me.”
“Of course.” I step toward Justin and give him a kiss on the cheek. “Have a safe trip.”
He just nods his head and steps outside. I stand in the doorway and watch until the car pulls away from the curb.
I step back inside and tell myself I’m okay. With Justin out of the way, I can think clearly and start trying to straighten things out. I’m glad that he’s gone.
I go into my bedroom and dig through the bottom drawer. My mind won’t admit to what I’m looking for, but my heart is well aware. Finally my hand glides across something stuck towards the back. I pull out my discovery and stare at it. It’s just a strip of black and white photo booth pictures that Justin and I took on our first date.
It was only six years ago, but we looked so different then. So young and so happy. We made all the standard photo booth poses. Making stupid faces, giving each other rabbit ears and sticking our tongues out at the camera. But the last picture on the strip is my favorite.
It’s almost like we had forgotten that there was a camera. Justin is leaned toward me and we’re looking at each other like nothing and no one exists but us. The second after the picture was taken, we kissed and it felt so much like love that it scared me.
Time and knowledge have marred the memory some, but the intensity of the emotion still remains. I sit on the edge of my bed with the photograph in my hand, dragging my fingertips across the glossy surface.
But still I tell myself I’m glad that he’s gone.
