May 2006
I've read the note that Justin left me so many times over the past few days, that the paper has become soft and worn; filled with folds and creases because I continually ball it up, then I turn right around and straighten it out again. I keep meaning to tear it up and throw it away, but instead I find myself tracing the words on the paper, wondering if I should bother to believe what he says or if this is just another of his empty promises. I wonder if that right time he always talks about is ever going to come.
I'm sitting outside, pouring over the note once more when I can hear the jingling of keys and my patio door being opened. I quickly fold the piece of paper and shove it into my pocket.
"Where's my boy?" The sound of that voice always brings a smile to my face.
"Jonah's out on a play date. And don't you knock anymore?"
"Why should I knock when I have a key?"
"Which reminds me, why exactly do you need a key to my house?"
"It's all in the godfather handbook. I need this key for emergencies."
I stand to give my visitor a hug, then drop back into my chair. "Emergencies, huh? What's that you're trying to hide behind your back?"
"Nothing."
"Chasez, that had better not be another toy."
A big grin spreads out over his face. "I couldn't help myself."
"You are going to spoil that child. You can't keep showing up here with presents all the time."
"I'm not trying to spoil him. I just figure he needs at least one positive, consistent male figure in his life and we both know who it's not gonna be."
"JC, don't start. I can't have this argument with you today." He puts his bag down and takes a seat across from me.
He studies my face briefly and I can tell he knows what the deal is. "Kay, please tell me that you didn't let him do it to you again."
I hold my head down as a fresh surge of shame rushes through me. "I didn't mean to. But he showed up the other night and he just. . .I don't know. He told me that he needed me."
"Kayla you are too smart for this shit. Why do you let him treat you like that?"
"I don't know. Do you think I'm proud of the way I behave around him? Because I'm not. I just don't know how to stop."
"Did he even bother to spend any time with his child or did he just hit it and bounce?"
"Jonah was asleep when he got here."
"Well maybe if all of his visits didn't take place after dark, Jonah would be awake."
"Justin's working on his new cd. I'm sure he's really busy during the day."
"Don't you dare sit there and make excuses for him. He treats you like shit and he almost completely ignores his child."
"JC, you know that Justin takes good care of me and Jonah."
"Don't parrot his lines back to me. I've heard them before and they don't mean anything. Anybody can whip out a checkbook. It takes a real man to actually be there and be a father."
"You don't understand. I love him. I try not to, but I can't stop loving him."
JC closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. "I wouldn't expect you to just stop loving him. I'm just asking you to love yourself more. If you can't do it for you, do it for Jonah. Doesn't he deserve better?"
"Justin is a good father."
JC lets out a derisive laugh. "When he's around. And that's next to never. Look me in the eye and answer one question. Would you rather have that Expedition that's parked in your garage or a man that didn't treat you and your son like an afterthought?"
I can't even bring myself to answer that question.
"You don't have to say anything. I already know the answer. I'm trying to understand this from your point of view, but I just can't. You promised me that you wouldn't sleep with him again."
"I didn't mean to, but he told me that he loved me."
JC clenches his jaw. "When I think of the way that he plays you, I seriously want to kick his ass."
"Don't say things like that. I feel like I'm the reason that you two don't get along anymore. You used to be so close."
"You're not to blame. How can I hang out and have fun with him knowing some of the things he's done? We're no longer friends because he's not the same person."
"Everybody goes through changes."
"Yeah, but all of his changes have been for the worse." JC leans towards me and takes my hands into his. "You know that you don't have to put up with this. I adore Jonah. I couldn't love him more if he was my own. I would help you take care of him." He pauses and looks deeply into my eyes. "I'd take care of both of you the way that you deserve."
My front door slams shut and then I can hear Justin's voice carrying through the house.
"I know this is a good neighborhood, but that doesn't mean you can just leave the door unlocked. You never know what kind of person could come wandering in."
I slip my hands out of JC's grasp and he leans back in his chair with a defeated slump to his shoulders. JC's voice has an edge to it when he speaks. "Yeah, look what just came through the door."
I turn around to Justin and he's standing there with Jonah on his hip. "Justin, what are you doing here?"
He gives JC a suspicious glance before answering me. "What do you think I'm doing here? I ran into Rachel outside while she was bringing Jonah back."
Jonah starts to struggle in Justin's arms. "Uncle Josh!" He excitedly scrambles away from Justin and runs into JC's arms.
JC scoops him up and spins him around. "Hey big man. You miss me?"
"Yeah. Did you bring me something?"
"Maybe. Why don't you look in that bag over there?" JC lowers Jonah to the floor and he immediately runs out to the patio. He dives into the Toys R Us bag and pulls out a remote control fire truck.
He comes back into the house and hugs JC's legs. "Thanks, Uncle Josh. Wanna play with me?"
JC bends down to Jonah's level to answer him, but Justin cuts in before he can say anything. "Jonah, I think Uncle Josh is gonna need to be moving on. Real soon. But I can play with you."
Jonah looks up at his father with a mixture of doubt and hope shining in his eyes. "Really?"
Justin ruffles Jonah's hair, but never takes his eyes off JC. "Of course I will. Why don't you take your truck on back to your room? Uncle Josh and I need to have a little talk. Then I'll be right there. I promise."
"Okay." Jonah heads towards his room and turns to wave goodbye to JC over his shoulder.
I can tell by the increasingly nasty look on Justin's face that this is about to turn into an ugly scene, but at least he has the decency to wait until we can hear Jonah's door shut.
"Wow, Uncle Josh. You sure did look surprised to see me." Justin's voice is dripping with sarcasm.
"I was surprised. I didn't know you were capable of showing up here before nightfall. Besides, you already got what you usually come for. I didn't think you'd be back so soon."
Justin shoots me a look and I know he'll tear into me later for telling JC our personal business. "My woman and my child are here. I can come and go as I please. I'd like to know what brings you here."
"First of all, you've got a lot of nerve referring to Kayla as 'your woman'. And second, unlike you I don't have to have an ulterior motive for coming here."
Justin licks his lips and lets out a laugh. "No ulterior motives? Who are you trying to fool?"
JC nervously cuts his eyes to me before looking back to Justin. "I don't know what you're talking about man."
"Bullshit. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You've always been jealous of me. Kayla and Jonah are just two more things that belong to me that you want for yourself."
"Fuck you, Justin."
"Come on now, Uncle Josh, I'm not the person in this room that you want to fuck. Now am I?"
Justin and JC are steadily moving closer to each other and I can tell by the looks on their faces that it probably won't be too long before they start throwing punches. It wouldn't be the first time.
I step between them and place my hands on their chests, pushing them apart. "I'm tired of the two of you talking about me like I'm not even in the room. And you're both crazy if you think I'm going to let you have a fistfight in this house."
Justin and JC reluctantly back away from each other, but their fists remain clenched at their sides, ready to strike.
"Justin, why can't you just leave Kay alone. You know that you can't give her what she needs."
"I give Kay what she needs in ways that you will never be able to." Justin pulls out his cockiest grin. "No matter how much you might want to."
JC lets out an exasperated puff of air as he smooths his hair back from his forehead. "Kayla, you need to ask one of us to leave. Because if I keep standing here, I'm gonna knock that smug look right off his face."
Justin straightens up to his full height, accentuating the few inches he has over JC. "I'd like to see you try."
"Am I supposed to be afraid of you?"
Justin makes a beckoning gesture. "Come get some."
"That's enough." I move completely between them and put my hand on JC's arm. "I think it might be better if you left."
Anger and disappointment have turned his normally kind eyes an icy, silvery blue. "Fine. If that's what you really want."
I trail behind him as he makes his way to the door. "Kayla, I'm gonna be in town for the next couple of weeks. Call me if you need me." He leans in and places a kiss on my cheek before leaving.
When I turn back to Justin he doesn't even bother to try and hide the triumphant look on his face. "Justin, you had no right to talk to JC that way. He's always welcome here. He's supposed to be one of your best friends. You're the one that asked him to be Jonah's godfather."
"He used to be one of my best friends. You shouldn't just let him come in and out of this house as he sees fit. It gives him ideas."
I can see that we're not going to have a reasonable conversation about JC, so I decide to change the subject. "Justin, what are you doing back here?"
"I got back to my hotel and realized I hadn't even bothered to stick my head in Jonah's door and take a look at him. I came here, slept with you and I just left. I felt like a dick. Not just about that night, about a lot of things."
He comes closer to me and wraps his arms around my waist. "I meant every word of that note, but I should have been man enough to say it to your face. I know you don't have any reason to believe me, but I really do want to be with you. I want me, you and Jonah to be a real family. It's gonna take me a while to right all the wrongs I've made, but I'm willing to try."
"I can't keep doing this with you Justin. You get my hopes up and then you let me down every last time."
"It's gonna be different. I promise." He pulls me into a hug that is tight and all encompassing. He's holding on to me like a lifeline. Like he really does need me. "I love you Kayla. You're the only real thing in my life. I don't know what I'd do without you."
This is the thing that I will never get JC or anyone else to understand. Justin can be an asshole ninety eight percent of the time. But then there's that other two percent. That other two percent of the time he can be so kind and his love feels so good that I forget what he's like the rest of the time.
I can hear the keening whine of the siren on Jonah's fire truck coming through the hallway. "Can you play now, daddy?"
Justin gives me a peck on the lips and lets me go. He scoops Jonah up and lifts him high above his head. Then he kisses him on the forehead before letting him go.
I think about the last six years of my life and I wonder how I let myself get into this situation. I have a son that sees his father on tv more often than he sees him in person. I have no personal life to speak of. I don't date. I hardly ever go out with my friends. I don't even work anymore. My career has fallen by the wayside. All of my ambition is gone.
It would be easy to put all the blame on Justin, but I know this isn't his fault. The one thing I've learned in life is that people will treat you however you let them treat you. I let Justin disrespect me and ignore his child. I'm as much to blame for that as he is.
I guess the real question isn't how I got in this situation, but why I let it continue. But standing here now watching Justin chase Jonah all over the house, running and laughing like a child himself; the answer to that question comes through loud and clear.
No matter what happens there is always a part of me that remembers what Justin was like when I first met him. Despite all the changes he's gone through over the years, I can always look in his eyes and find the person that I fell in love with.
Even at times when I want to slap him, that cocky, sweet charming, guy that I met six years ago is always lurking right beneath the surface, begging me to give him another chance.
