. . .Must Come Down
April - May 2003
I awoke one night to the sound of whispering. When I cracked my eye open, I saw Justin sitting on the foot of the bed with his cell phone in his hand. I didn’t say anything because I wanted to see what he was up to. He glanced at me over his shoulder and I quickly closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. Once he was satisfied that I wasn’t watching him, he slid off the bed and went into the bathroom with the phone pressed tightly against his ear.
When he closed the bathroom door behind him, I sat up and glanced at my watch. It was 2:30 in the morning. I braced myself for the argument that I knew would be forthcoming.
I was standing outside of the bathroom door, waiting for him to come out. “Who was that?”
I must have surprised the hell out of him. I could almost swear he jumped in the air when he saw me standing there wide awake. After regaining his composure, he decided to do that playing dumb thing that he did so well. “You mean on the phone?”
“Hell yes, I mean on the phone. Who would call you at 2:30 in the morning?”
“Um, that was Cameron.”
“Cameron? Who the hell is that?”
“Cameron Diaz.” He said it like it was the most natural thing in the world for some woman that I didn’t even know that he knew to be calling him at the ass crack of dawn.
“Cameron Diaz? Why is she calling you at this time? Why is she calling you at all for that matter?”
“Didn’t I tell you that I met her at the Kid’s Choice Awards?”
“No. That must have conveniently slipped your mind.”
“I’m sorry, I was almost sure that I had mentioned it. Anyway, I met her and we hung out backstage. We talked all night long. Can you believe that? I used to have the biggest crush on her when I was a kid. I remember when The Mask came out. Me and Trace drooled over that woman.”
Sometimes I think that Justin truly forgot who I was and what our relationship was supposed to be. He was telling me about how he had hooked up with some other woman, like I was one of his buddies, not his girlfriend. He stopped gushing about the delightful and lovely Miss Diaz long enough to take in the increasingly pissed off look I was giving him.
“I know what you’re thinking, Kay and it’s not even like that. She just wants to be friends.”
“Do you honestly expect for me to believe that?”
“Yes, I do. I told her that I was involved with someone and she’s cool with that. She likes talking to me. She’s just looking for somebody to hang out with.”
“Let me understand this. You sincerely believe that this grown ass woman is calling you all hours of the night because she wants a buddy? You are not that naive and neither am I.”
“I’m entitled to have friends, Kay.”
“If it was just a friendly phone call, why did you feel the need to sneak off to the bathroom to talk to her?”
“I wasn’t sneaking. You were asleep and I didn’t want to disturb you. I was trying to be considerate.”
I felt like I needed a shovel, cause the bullshit was getting mighty deep. “You must really think I’m stupid. Is she the person that you’ve been spending so much time with? Is she the reason why you’re never at home?”
“I don’t think you’re in any position to question me about who I spend my time with.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Justin pulled his bottom lip into his mouth like he was swallowing whatever it was that he really wanted to say. “Nothing. I didn’t mean anything. The point is that Cameron is just a friend. We go to lunch. We talk. Sometimes I just need somebody to talk to.”
“Why can’t you talk to me?”
“You don’t understand.”
“No, you’re the one that doesn’t understand. That woman does not want to be your friend.”
“How can you say that? You don’t have any idea what her intentions are. You don’t even know her.”
“I don’t have to know her. I know you. And I don’t want you hanging out with women that I don’t know.”
“So, it’s okay for you to have male friends, but I can’t have female friends. Don’t you think that’s a double standard?”
“What male friends? Are you talking about JC?”
“Who the hell do you think I’m talking about? You wanted me to trust you to be all laid up with him, but I can’t even talk to another woman without your consent. That’s bullshit Kay and you know it.”
“First of all, I’ve never been laid up with JC. Second, those are two entirely different situations.”
“How is it different?”
“JC was your friend first. You know him. And more importantly, I’ve never given you a single reason not to trust me.”
A strange look flashed through his eyes, but it disappeared before I could figure out what it was. “Kay, I’m not interested in Cameron in that way. I swear. She’s just a lot of fun to be around. I bet you’d like her if you met her.”
“I doubt that somehow.”
“But . . .”
“I don’t ask you for a lot Justin. But I’m asking you to not spend anymore time with her. Please.”
He looked at me. He looked me dead in the face and right in the eye. “I’m telling you, there is not now nor will there ever be anything going on with me and Cameron Diaz.” Justin pulled me into a hug and held me tightly against his chest. “But if it makes you that upset, I won’t see her again. I promise.”
That lie spread out as smooth and easy as butter on a hot piece of cornbread.
He kept right on seeing Cameron and it wasn’t long before I got to see her too.
******************************************************************************
I swung Jonah around in my arms and rubbed my nose against his. “How’s my birthday boy?” Jonah giggled and kicked his little feet into the air.
I couldn’t believe how quickly time had passed. Jonah was one year old even though it seemed like I had just given birth. The house was decorated with streamers and balloons and the table was overflowing with brightly wrapped packages in every shape and size.
I had probably went into overkill with the decorations and presents, but I was overcompensating for the sorry guest list. Rachel wasn’t able to fly in for the occasion, Justin had made it quite clear that JC was no longer welcome in the house, my mother and I were having the first of the long series of arguments that led to our shaky relationship falling apart and there weren’t any other kids that I could invite.
So the party was basically comprised of me, Justin and Mari. Oh wait, there was one more person coming, but that was a surprise.
I was playing with Jonah while we waited for Justin to return with the birthday cake. I heard the front door open and close. “I’ll bet that’s daddy.”
Jonah smiled at me and said something that sounded like “da-da poopah”. I returned his smile and gathered him into my arms. I heard someone come into the room and I turned around, anticipating Justin, but that’s not who I found staring back at me.
Instead I found myself face to face with blue eyed interloper number two.
Right from the start there was something about Cameron that set me on edge. I think it must have been her eyes. They were the same crystal blue shade as JC’s, but where JC managed to inject warmth into his cool eyes, Cameron’s were creepy and deliberately icy.
She gave me one up and down look, then she smiled. It was as if she had sized me up and immediately come to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to be any sort of competition. “You must be Kayla. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” She extended her hand toward me, but I just tightened my grip on Jonah.
“What are you doing here?” I know that was less than hospitable, but I was dumbfounded. Justin hadn’t brought up Cameron’s name since he’d promised not to see her anymore.
She looked at me like I was an idiot. “Well, Justin invited me of course.” As soon as she said his name, Justin entered the room as if on cue.
“I can see you two already met.” Justin was just as casual as you please. As though he thought he could just slide that shit across with no problem. There were so many things that I wanted to say to him and I didn’t even know where to start.
“Here, this is for the baby.” I shifted my attention back to Cameron and the present that she was holding in her hands.
“You can put it down over there.” I nodded my head toward the table where the other gifts were.
Cameron walked further into the room, taking a look around as she went. “You have a beautiful home.”
“Uh huh.”
I was staring at Justin and he was looking at me like everything was peachy keen. He seemed surprised when I met his happy glance with a scowl on my face. It’s times like that, that made me believe Justin was truly insane. Dysfunction and deceit were so deeply ingrained into him, he seemed not to realize how messed up this situation was.
Mari came out of the kitchen and busied herself with laying out a tray of food. She kept looking from Justin to me to Cameron and muttering “dios mio” under her breath. I guess she was just waiting for some trouble to pop off. It wouldn’t be a long wait.
Cameron and I sat down on the sofa and Justin perched on the armchair. Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe the situation.
Justin was watching me nervously out the corner of his eye. He knew that he’d pulled a fast one on me and I guess he was trying to figure out whether or not I was going to go off.
I was shooting daggers at him and trying to resist my urge to castrate him with the cake knife.
Cameron, however, looked as happy as a clam. Her wide, Joker like grin was giving me the willies. She was the first one to speak. “Justin’s told me so much about you, Kayla.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. He just goes on and on about how funny and pretty you are. Justin is such a sweetheart. You’re a very lucky woman to have trapped. . . I mean caught him.”
I could see how it was going to be. Cameron thought she was going to get her digs in on the sly. I knew how to play that game too. Except I decided to forgo the sly part. I got right to the insults.
“Good men are hard to come by and even harder to keep. I don’t guess I have to tell you that though, do I? Didn’t you just get dumped by that dude from My So Called Life?”
Cameron’s rubbery smile turned into a thin, white line on her face. “Actually, Jared did not dump me. We came to a mutual decision not to see each other anymore.”
“Yeah right. Was it also a mutual decision when you and Matt Dillon broke up? Or was it because you couldn’t let him out of your sight without a flea collar and a lo-jack tracking device?”
I have to give Cameron credit. She definitely knew how to take it and dish it out. “Matt and I just weren’t meant for each other. I was young and inexperienced when I was with him. I couldn’t satisfy his needs and if you can’t give a man what he needs, he will stray. But I don’t guess I have to tell you about that. Do I, Kayla?”
Now see, that heifer was getting real familiar. “I know all about that. Men will stray just like dogs. The one thing I’ve never understood about men or dogs is why they’d rather pick up trash off the street when they’ve got a five course meal waiting for them at home. Perhaps you could give me some insight on that, since you’re old. . .I mean older.”
Cameron squinted her eyes so tight, I thought they might disappear inside her head. I waited for her comeback, but instead of making a bitchy remark, she forced another one of those crazy ass smiles onto her face. She decided to score some points with Justin by kissing up to Jonah.
She reached her hand out to ruffle Jonah’s hair. “He’s just adorable.” Jonah turned his face into my neck, almost like he was shrinking back out of Cameron’s reach, but she kept prattling on as though she weren’t scaring the poor child to death.
“Justin, he looks so much like you.” Cameron looked at Jonah and then she gave me another appraising look. “Gosh Kayla, but he doesn’t look like you at all. If I didn’t just know, I wouldn’t ever guess that his mother was black.”
Justin’s eyes widened to twice their normal size. “Um, Cam.” He tried to slow her roll, but she was undeterred.
“Do people ever ask you if you’re like the nanny or something when you’re out with him?” She followed that comment with a girlish giggle.
Now, I can’t say for sure, but I think smoke might have actually been coming out of my ears at that moment.
Justin tried to quiet Cameron down. “Cam, you need to watch your mouth.” That wasn’t nearly good enough for me. Also, the fact that he was already calling her by a nickname made me wonder when they’d had time to get so damn familiar.
I had tried to keep my cool, but I had stood all that I could stand. Somebody was about to catch a foot in the ass.
Without any prompting whatsoever, Mari came and took Jonah out of my arms. It was perfectly obvious that I was about to lay into Cameron and she wanted to get Jonah out of the way. I waited until Mari was up the stairs and out of my sight before I stepped to Cameron. “Listen, bitch I don’t know who the hell you think you’re talking to, but I am not the one.”
Cameron’s eyes went wide, like she honestly hadn’t realized that she had insulted me. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to offend you.” She batted her eyelashes at Justin like she was all innocent, but then she gave me a smart ass smirk. I didn’t have to be a mind reader to figure out the truth behind her slick grin. That trick was after Justin and she didn’t care if I knew it or not.
I wanted that woman out of my house. On the double, with the quickness, because I was not trying to catch a case. And she looked like the kind of person that would have me brought up on charges after I tried to ring her scrawny neck.
“Justin. Kitchen. Now.”
He nodded his head and followed me. “I don’t know what you were hoping to prove by bringing her up in here, but that emaciated wench has got to go.”
“I was trying to do the right thing. I know that you were worried about her and I thought you’d feel better if you actually met her. I want you to know that I wasn’t trying to hide you and Jonah from her. I know she made you mad, but sometimes she says stuff without thinking. She didn’t mean anything by it.”
“First you lied to me about not seeing her anymore. Then you invite her to my son’s birthday party behind my back. And now you’re going to stand there and defend her after the way she just talked to me. You have got five seconds to get that woman out of this damn house.”
He had the nerve to puff his chest out, like he was going to show me who wore the pants. “This is my house. You can’t tell me who I can or can’t invite.”
“If you don’t get her out of here, the both of you will be sorry.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“Do you remember what happened the last time you brought another woman around this house?”
Justin’s eyes started darting around, looking at all the heavy and sharp objects that were in the kitchen. Visions of his broken foot must have started dancing in his head, because he took his sorry ass out to the living room and hustled that broke down heifer out the door.
******************************************************************************
Four or five hours must have passed before Justin came storming back into the house. I lit into him before he barely got in the door. “How could you just disappear like that on Jonah’s birthday? Where the hell have you been?”
“I needed some time to cool down. I can’t believe that you embarrassed me like that.”
“You think I embarrassed you? You’re the one that brought your latest trick into what is supposed to be our home, but you think I embarrassed you? That’s a good one Justin.”
“How many times do I have to say it? I have not had sex with her, I don’t want to have sex with her, but. . .” He stopped short like he didn’t want to finish his thought.
“But what? Don’t censor yourself on my account. Say whatever it is that you were going to say.”
“I haven’t had sex with her, but it’s not for lack of trying on Cameron’s part. She’s made it pretty clear to me that she’s down for whatever. But I told her that there wasn’t going to be any of that going on. I’m trying to respect you and this relationship, but if I had known that you were going to be this much of a bitch about the whole thing, I might as well have fucked her. If I’m going to do the time, I should have done the crime.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying that to me.”
“Well, it’s true.”
“Why do you treat me this way? You tell me that you’re trying to be respectful of me and this relationship, but nothing could be further from the truth. You obviously have absolutely no respect for me. If you did, you would have never brought that woman into this house.”
“I told you why I brought her here. I thought if you met her, you’d feel less threatened by her.”
“Threatened? I’m not threatened by that flat faced bitch.”
“Yes you are. If you weren’t threatened and jealous you wouldn’t be acting this way.”
“You know what? Maybe I am threatened. But why wouldn’t I be? You haven’t even told your own mother about me and Jonah, but you told Cameron. You just met her and you feel comfortable enough to share things with her. How is that supposed to make me feel, Justin?”
“I told you that I’m going to tell my mother.”
“When, Justin? We were supposed to go to Tennessee this month and this is the thirtieth. The month is up. And whenever I try to ask you when we’re going you just brush me off. What happened Justin? I felt like we were doing okay and then suddenly you won’t talk to me. You won’t touch me. You’re spending all your free time with some other woman and I just don’t understand why. Did I do something wrong?” I knew that I was starting to sound desperate, but that’s because I was.
“There’s nothing wrong.” I could tell by the tight set of his jaw that he was lying.
“If there isn’t anything wrong, then why won’t you talk to me?”
“I guess I just don’t have anything to say to you.”
There was a finality in his tone that hit me like a punch to the stomach. “You don’t have anything to say to me? Then how can we stay together? How can we get married if . . .”
And that’s when he lowered the final bomb on me. “Hold up, Kay. Who said anything about us getting married?”
“What are you talking about? You asked me to marry you.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. You got down on your knee and asked me to marry you.”
“No,” he repeated, “I didn’t.”
“Then what the hell is this?” I waved my ring in front of his face.
“That was just a Christmas gift.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “No. You proposed to me.”
“I asked you to forgive me. I asked you to stay with me. But I never asked you to marry me.”
“But, I thought. . .I thought you said that. . .” I was confused, but as I thought back to the conversation we’d had on Christmas, I realized that he hadn’t actually asked me to marry him. I’d just heard what I’d wanted to hear.
“You sneaky son of a bitch.”
“Don’t be mad at me because you misinterpreted what I said.”
He had played me big time. I could even really be mad. I’d let myself walk into another one of his traps with my eyes wide open. “You’re pathetic, you know that?”
“But you keep hanging around and putting up with me, so which one of us is more pathetic?”
“I guess that would be me. But this is where it ends Justin. I’m not going to live like this. I’m not going to hang around, letting you treat me however you see fit.”
“Why are you always trying to assume the role of victim? Why is it always about what I’ve done to you?”
“Because I’ve never done anything to you.”
“Yeah, right.” He pulled his car keys out of his pocket. “I’m really not trying to hear any more of this shit tonight.” Then he turned around and headed for the door.
“Wait a minute. Where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going out. Maybe you will have gotten yourself together by the time I get back.”
Suddenly a vision of my future flashed in front of my eyes and all I saw was a continuous loop of me and Justin having this same argument. Year after year. The names would change but the game would be the same. “If you walk out that door, Jonah and I won’t be here when you get back.”
Justin stopped in his tracks and came back to me. “You’re not going anywhere.” He said it with absolute confidence. Like he just knew that he had me on lockdown.
“How can you be so sure?”
“You’ve played that bluff already. You claimed you were leaving me six months ago and you didn’t do it then, why should I believe that you’ll do it now?”
“I didn’t leave because you got down on your knees and begged me not to. I didn’t leave because I thought you could change, but I don’t think you can. I don’t know what happened to make you so damaged, but I don’t think you’re capable of loving anybody but yourself. You’ve been stringing me along and wasting my time, but I’m not going to put up with it anymore.”
“Yes you will.” His arrogance had gone straight up into the stratosphere. “I can leave this house and stay gone all damn night if I want to and you will be right here when I get back.”
“No, I won’t.”
“Really? Where are you gonna go? You don’t have a job and you don’t have any money. All you have is a bank account that I can have frozen and credit cards that I can cancel. I could have that jeep reported stolen before you even made it halfway down the driveway. You can’t leave me and you know it.”
He had me stumped with that one. I had no money. Nothing I had was in my name. I didn’t have anything of my own. I dropped my gaze to the floor.
“That’s what I thought.” I wouldn’t look him in the face, but I didn’t have to. I could hear his cocky smirk. Without another word, he turned on his heel and went right out the door.
I collapsed onto the sofa and held my head in my hands. I felt like my world had been completely turned upside down. I had allowed myself to become completely dependent on Justin and there was a very limited number of people that I could turn to. Rachel was not speaking to me at the time. After I had promised her that I was leaving Justin and then I didn’t do it, she got so angry with me that she stopped returning my phone calls. My mother would have only told me that I was overreacting and that I needed to give Justin the benefit of the doubt. And I certainly wasn’t about to ask my father for anything. I couldn’t depend on him to spit on me if I was on fire.
But I had to salvage some of my self respect. I knew that if I was still sitting in that house when Justin got back, he would respect me less than he already did and I would have absolutely no respect for myself. So I picked up the phone and called the only person that I knew would come no matter what.
JC was there in less than thirty minutes.
******************************************************************************
I put Jonah to bed in the crib where JC’s nephew slept when he came to visit then I went downstairs to the kitchen. JC was already sitting at the table with two cups of tea.
“Thanks for coming to get me and Jonah.”
“You don’t have to thank me for that. Have you given any thought to what you’re going to do now?”
“I don’t really have a clue.”
“You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want.”
It was a tempting offer, but a bad idea for more reasons than one. First of all, my relationship with JC had already started drifting into forbidden territory. And second of all, I knew it would only be a matter of time before Justin showed up. He wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but I knew it wouldn’t take him long to figure out where I was.
“I think I want to go back to Atlanta. I’ve never really felt comfortable out here anyway. I don’t really have anybody in LA.” JC looked away from me and I could tell that I had hurt his feelings.
I reached across the table and placed my hand on top of his. “I meant, no one except for you. You’ve been so good to me, but I want to go home.”
“I understand. But what are you going to do once you get to Atlanta?”
“I have Rachel. I know she’s mad at me, but she’ll help me once she figures out that I’m not with Justin anymore.”
“Are you really not going to be with him anymore?”
“I can’t be. I can’t keep letting him treat me the way he does. I can’t go back to him.”
“Okay. Let me know when you’re ready to go and I’ll arrange my schedule so that I can go to Atlanta with you.”
“You don’t need to do that.”
“I want to. I’ll feel better if I know that you’re settled.” JC was quiet for a minute. “Do you have any money, Kay?”
“No. Justin threatened to cut me off if I left him. I don’t think he’d let Jonah go without just to spite me, but I don’t know.”
“Don’t worry about Justin. I’ll make sure that you and Jonah have whatever you need. You don’t ever have to want for anything.”
“I can’t take your money, JC.”
“You can and you will.”
“I’ll pay you back. Every dime.”
“You don’t have to, but if it makes you feel better, you can. When you get back on your feet you can pay me back a little bit at a time.”
“Okay.”
JC slid his hand out from under mine. “Alright. I’m going to bed now. You should try to get some rest too.” He pushed away from the table and started to leave the room, but I grabbed his hand.
I stood up and wrapped my arms around his waist. My face was buried against his chest. He slowly brought his arms around me, letting his hands rest against the small of my back. I raised up onto my tiptoes and kissed his jaw. He held me tightly and I felt peaceful for the first time in hours. Until I heard the knocking. And the yelling. And the cursing.
Justin was banging on the door like a nut. “Open the fucking door.”
The sound of Justin’s voice caused a ripple of fear and guilt to run through me. I jumped away from JC as though Justin could see us through the door.
JC looked at me. “What do you want me to do? I can have him removed from the property.” JC seemed almost gleeful at the thought of calling the police on Justin, but I knew what kind of scene that would have caused.
“Just open the door. If I don’t talk to him now, he’ll just come back. I want to get this over with right now.”
“Okay.” JC brushed the back of his hand across my cheek. “Whatever you want.” He headed to the door and I followed closely behind him.
As soon as the door was opened, Justin started screaming at me. “You proved your point, Kay. Now I want you to get Jonah and wait for me in the car.” I had never seen Justin look so angry before. I didn’t know what he was capable of doing and I really didn’t want to involve JC any further.
I stepped back, away from JC, but he loosely wrapped his hand around my wrist. “You don’t have to do what he says.”
Justin stepped further into the living room, until he was nose to nose with JC. “You need to stay out of this.”
Justin was staring at JC and waiting for him to back down, but he didn’t. “This is my house. You can’t come in here yelling at Kay and pushing her around.”
Justin continued to stare JC down, but he talked to me. “Kayla, you’ve got about five seconds to get my son so we can get the hell out of here.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you right now, Justin. You need to go home and calm down.”
“I’m not leaving without you.”
I had never seen Justin so angry before. I didn’t know if it would be worse to go with him or worse to stay with JC. I was tired and confused. Even though I tried to hold it in, I couldn’t control the tears that sprang up in my eyes.
Justin brushed past JC and came to me. “I’m sorry Kay. I’m sorry for everything. Just get Jonah and come home with me, please.” Justin put his hand on the curve of my jaw and tilted my head up toward him. “Please, let’s just go home.”
I suppose that JC could tell that I was letting my guard down. “Don’t let him talk you into anything. You don’t have to go with him. You can stay here. I’ll take care of you.”
I didn’t think that Justin could possibly get anymore ticked off, but he did. “Who the fuck do you think you are? Kayla is not yours to take care of. Why are you always trying to get in the middle of our business?”
“You’re the one that put me in the middle of your business to start with. If you knew how to be a man and take care of Kayla the right way, she wouldn’t have come to me.”
The thing that happened next, happened so fast that I didn’t see it coming. Apparently JC didn’t see it coming either. If he had, he probably would have ducked. I never even saw him raise his arm, but the next thing I knew, Justin had punched JC in the jaw. Both Justin and JC seemed to be in shock. Justin could not believe that he’d hit JC and JC could not believe that he’d been hit. They had argued before, but this was the first time that it had ever turned physical.
I could just look at Justin and tell that he was sorry. But the apology that was forming on his lips never got a chance to be heard, because JC busted Justin dead in the mouth. It was on then. Justin pushed JC. JC pushed Justin and the next thing I knew they were rolling around on the floor and punching each other in stomach.
I suppose that fight had been a long time coming and they had many years of aggression and resentment to get out. I tried to pull them apart, but they knocked my behind clear out of the way. It looked like they were trying to kill each other.
JC tried his best and he did manage to inflict a fair amount of damage, but the truth is, Justin was just stronger. He was taller, broader through the shoulders and his body had more muscle. It didn’t take him long to get the better of JC. He was on top of him, pounding on JC and cursing him out. He was yelling wildly and not much of what he said was making any sense to me. He kept going on and on about JC betraying him and stabbing him in the back.
I was screaming, begging for him to stop, but it was like he was possessed. I don’t even think he could hear anything outside of his own anger. Eventually my yelling alerted Eric, JC’s bodyguard. He came from out of nowhere and snatched Justin up like he was a rag doll. I knelt by JC’s side, trying as best as I could to assess the damage that had been done, then I helped him to his feet.
As Eric was dragging Justin toward the door, he called out to me. “Kayla.”
“I don’t even want to look at you right now, Justin.” I had seen a lot of unflattering sides of Justin before, but the viciousness with which he attacked JC, opened my eyes to a violent streak I didn’t even know he had.
“Kayla, please. You don’t understand.”
“I understand that you’ve lost your mind.”
“So, you’re not coming home?”
I didn’t say anything, so JC spoke for me. “You must be crazy to think she’d go anywhere with you right now.”
As was usually the case, Justin allowed his hurt to be edged out by anger. “Fine, Kayla. You want to be with this jackass, you go right ahead. But this is it for us Kay. If you stay here with him, we’re done.”
“Justin, I don’t care if I ever see you again.”
Justin let his gaze drift from me to JC. “Fuck both of y’all.” He jerked himself out of Eric’s grasp and left. ******************************************************************************
After the scene that went down that night, I had to beg JC not to press charges against Justin. In the end he agreed not to, not for Justin’s sake but for mine. There would have just been too much to explain, I would have been questioned and it was an ordeal that I didn’t want to deal with and that JC didn’t want to put me through.
When I got back to Atlanta, Jonah and I ended up staying with Rachel and Brian. They had moved into a small, two bedroom house and told me that I could stay with them as long as I needed to. JC had offered to put me up in a hotel or front me the money for an apartment, but I didn’t want to be any further in debt to him than I already was.
I spent most of my days sitting on Rachel’s sofa with Jonah cradled against my chest. I knew that I had to start making plans for my life, but it was like I was in a trance. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I just felt like I was in a hole and I had no idea how to get myself out. All I could do was think about Justin. I still didn’t understand how things had turned so ugly, so quickly.
I’d been back in Atlanta for almost a month and I hadn’t heard a word from Justin, so you can imagine how surprised I was when he did finally show up.
It was a Saturday afternoon in May. Brian was out with some friends and Rachel and I were sitting on the living room floor playing with Jonah. The bell rang and when I answered the door I nearly fainted. Justin was standing there, looking worn down and guilty. There were dark circles around his eyes, his hair looked kind of rough and it even looked like he had lost a couple of pounds. “What are you doing here?”
Before Justin could say anything, Rachel came up behind me with Jonah in her arms. “Hell nah. You know you better get your ass off my doorstep. You low down . . .”
Rachel’s tirade was interrupted by Jonah’s crying. Obviously he had missed his father. When Justin reached for Jonah, Rachel moved out of his reach, which only made Jonah cry louder. She was trying to torment Justin, but she was also punishing Jonah in the process. The sight of him reaching toward Justin and crying nearly tore my heart out. Finally, I just took Jonah away from Rachel and handed him to Justin. She gave me a disgusted look and left the room.
Justin took Jonah into his arms and placed kisses all over his face. He smoothed his hands up and down Jonah’s back to quiet his crying. “I missed you so much.” After he got Jonah calmed down, he held him tightly against his chest and went over to the sofa to sit down.
I went and stood in front of him. “How did you even know where to find me?”
Justin looked at me and then looked away without answering me. But I didn’t really need to hear it from him, I already knew the answer. Since Rachel and Brian had moved, Justin had no way of knowing where we were staying. Only two people knew the address. JC and my mother. I knew that JC hadn’t said anything.
“I can’t believe that woman.”
“Don’t be angry with Paula.” Justin and my mother were just too damn tight.
“I specifically asked her not to tell you where I was and she did it anyway.”
“I begged her to tell me.”
“I’ll bet. I doubt that you had to work very hard to get the information out of her. She’s been your one woman cheering section since the day you found her.”
“She told me because she knows that we need to talk.”
“No we don’t. I don’t have anything to say to you and I’m not the least bit interested in anything that you have to say to me.”
“We can’t just leave things hanging the way they are, Kayla. You know that we need to talk about this.”
“Fine. Talk.”
“We can’t talk here.”
“Why not?”
“I want you to go for a ride with me. I need to show you something.”
I tensed up immediately. “I don’t think so.”
“It won’t take more than an hour and it’s really important. Please, Kayla.”
It could all be so simple
But you’d rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Justin talked during the entire ride. He was telling me about the tour he was about to go on with Christina Aguilera. He told me about some movie he was auditioning for. He talked and talked and I said nothing. I just watched as we got further and further outside of the perimeter. We ended up in Alpharetta, an affluent suburb outside of Atlanta.
He drove into a residential area with modest, yet obviously expensive homes. He brought the car to a stop outside of a cute little brick house. He got out and then came around to my side to open the door.
“What are we doing here? Whose house is this?”
“This is for you and Jonah. There’s three bedrooms and two bathrooms. It’s kind of small, but I know that you felt like my house was too big, so I tried to get you something cozier. But if it’s not big enough, there’s a couple more places we can look at. The back yard is fenced in and there’s space in the front yard for the garden that you always said you wanted. I thought it would be best to go with a one level because I know you were worried about Jonah on the stairs. And . . .”
He was rambling like a speed freak. “Slow down. You’re buying me a house? Is this some sort of payoff to keep me quiet?”
“This isn’t a payoff, Kay. You and Jonah need someplace to stay.”
“We have someplace to stay.”
“You can’t just stay shacked up with Rachel and her boyfriend forever. Let me do this for you and Jonah. I haven’t been much of a provider emotionally, but I can provide for you financially. So let me.”
Tell me who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Justin took a key out of his pocket and let me into the house. Even though there wasn’t a stitch of furniture and the walls were bare, the house was beautiful. The ceilings were high and the rooms were spacious. It was the kind of house that every little girl dreams about when she thinks of her first home. It was perfect.
“What’s the catch?”
“There isn’t a catch. The only thing I want is for you and Jonah to have a decent place to live. Just because we broke up that doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped caring about you.” Justin reached into his pocket and pulled out a checkbook. “Here.”
“What’s this?”
“It’s a checkbook.”
“Don’t smart ass me. Why are you giving this to me?”
“I started an account for you. There’s money in there so that you can get some furniture and everything. If it’s not enough, just let me know. I’ll deposit more money on the first of every month.”
“The first of every month, huh? Oh goody, it’ll be just like being on welfare. And you’re doing all this without wanting anything in return? I don’t buy it.”
“The only thing I want is to be able to see Jonah. That’s all I want.”
“You can see him.” I thought back to the scene we’d just had at Rachel’s. I didn’t ever want to see something like that again. “You can see Jonah whenever you want.”
“Thank you. Cause this last month has just been. . . you don’t know. It hurt not to be able to hold him. I didn’t think it would, but it nearly killed me.”
“It’s nobody’s fault but yours that you haven’t seen Jonah in a month, so don’t come at me like you’re all broken up about it. Besides, I’m sure Cameron was there to console you and kiss it all better.”
He flinched at the mere mention of her name. “Don’t bring her up. She doesn’t have anything to do with this.”
“I think the fact that you started fucking her has a whole lot to do with this.”
“I never touched her until after you left me.”
“Sure.” I didn’t bother to hide my disbelief.
“Why would I bother to lie? We’re over. There’s no point in lying about it. I didn’t have sex with her until after you left me.”
“Why do you keep trying to emphasize the fact that I left you?”
“Because you did leave me.”
“Yeah, I did leave you, but was I really supposed to stay and let you walk all over me? Was I supposed to turn a blind eye every time you decided to sleep with some other woman?”
“You don’t understand, Kay. I thought . . .”
I cut him off because I wasn’t interested in another one of his tired excuses. “I don’t care what you thought. None of it matters anymore.”
“Yes it does. I know how it seemed, but I wanted to work things out.”
Is it just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can’t stay
“And you thought you’d work things out by making me feel like shit and then coming over to JC’s and carrying on like a lunatic?”
Justin backed away from me and leaned against the wall. “I was just pissed off because you went running to him.”
“Where else was I supposed to go?”
“I don’t know. I just wish that it hadn’t been him.”
“This is a pointless discussion.”
“It didn’t have to be this way. I was going to take you to meet my family. I was ready to tell the world about us.”
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain’t workin’
It ain’t workin’
“That’s easy to say now that it doesn’t matter anymore. But you know what? I don’t give two shits about meeting your family any more. Frankly I’d be embarrassed for anyone else to know what I’ve put up with. You want to hide me away in this tidy little suburb in this cute little house, that’s fine by me.”
I twisted the ring he’d given me off my finger. “And you can have back your phony ass engagement ring.” I threw it at him and he caught it against his chest.
“This was a gift to you. I don’t want it back. Please keep it.” He tried to put it back in my hand, but I snatched away from him.
“I don’t want it. You can give it to your next trick or shove it right up your ass, but don’t try to give it back to me.”
Justin closed his hand around the ring and squeezed it into his palm. As I stood there and watched him, he started banging his fist into the wall behind him. “What are you doing?” But he wouldn’t answer me. He just continued to pound his hand against the wall. The rough surface of the unfinished walls was starting to tear the skin from his knuckles.
And when I try to walk away
You’d hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy
“Stop that.”
“Take the ring back.”
“I don’t want it.”
“I won’t stop unless you take it back.”
I grabbed Justin’s hand and held it in mine. His knuckles were torn and bloody and his palm was torn up too. The prongs and sharp edges from the ring had dug into the tender skin of his hand. I took the ring from his bloody palm and put it in my pocket. I ran back to his car looking for something to clean his wounds with. There was a half full bottle of water rolling around on the back seat and a handkerchief in his glove compartment.
I poured the water across his hand and then cleaned it up with the handkerchief. “What the hell was that, Justin? What’s wrong with you?”
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can’t be with no one else
“I don’t know.” He sounded so lost, like a sad little boy. Every once in a while Justin’s hard exterior slipped and the vulnerable person underneath was exposed. I knew there was a man in there somewhere that I could love, a man that loved me. But I was tired of trying to dig him out.
“You need therapy, Justin. And possibly some sort of medication.”
He lifted his uninjured hand to my face and stroked his fingers along my jaw. “I’m sorry, Kayla. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want it to be this way.”
“Doesn’t matter what either of us actually wanted. This is what we’ve got.” I wrapped the handkerchief around his bruised knuckles and tied it in a knot. Then I let his hand go, to fall lifelessly by his side.
“I don’t want her.” He blurted this information out as though it would make the slightest bit of difference to me. “I don’t want to be with her.”
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I’ll let go too
“Well, I don’t want to be with you. Not anymore. This is it, Justin. There’s nothing here. Not for either one of us. I don’t know why you think that you need to keep holding on to me, but you shouldn’t. We are nothing but trouble for each other. You need to let me go.”
“I know.” As Justin turned his head away from me, I could see him trying to blink away the tears in his eyes. And they weren’t phony tears. He was hurting, but so was I. “So, um if you like the house, I’ll take care of the paperwork and you and Jonah can move in whenever you want.”
“The house is fine. Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me.” He sounded insulted. “I know you think I’m worthless, but the least I can do is keep a roof over my child’s head.”
“I don’t think you’re worthless.” He wasn’t worthless, he was everything to me and that was the problem.
Cause no ones hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
“Come on. I’d better get you back before Rachel calls the police on me.” The ride back was completely silent.
Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
When we pulled up in front of Rachel’s place he caught me by the sleeve before I could get out of the car. “Christina and I are coming through here in July. If you’re all settled into the house by then, would it be okay if I come by to see Jonah?”
There for me, there for me
Said you’d be there for me
“Of course.”
“Okay.” I tried to exit again, but he still wouldn’t let me go. “I know you won’t believe this, but I did try. If I could have loved anyone the right way, I wanted it to be you.” The tears that had been hovering all day finally spilled over the rim of his eyes and rolled down his cheeks.
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you’d die for me
Despite everything that had happened, the sight of his tears still broke my heart. I reached out to wipe his tears away but I caught myself at the last minute. I pulled my hand away from him and got out of the car. I stood on the sidewalk and watched as he pulled away. Tires screeching, engine roaring. Leaving nothing but a trail of smoke behind.
Give to me, give to me
Why won’t you live for me
Song Lyrics Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill
