All Trick and No Treat
October 2006
Justin’s been gone for about two weeks and I find myself missing him no matter how much I try not to. I guess having him around for such an extended amount of time spoiled me. It was nice to have someone to greet me when I came home from work and his attempts at domesticity were actually kind of cute. He would leave the odd item laying around here or there, but if I nagged him a little bit, he would clean up. The sick part is that once I got him up off his behind, he actually seemed to enjoy doing housework. He whistled while he windexed the patio doors and it was my ass if I scuffed the kitchen floor after he’d waxed it.
Even though he’s called almost everyday since he’s been gone, he’s been kind of closed mouthed about how things are going. I suppose that he would tell me if anything was wrong. It’s hard, but I’m trying not to expend too much energy worrying about him. At the moment, I’ve got bigger fish to fry.
My main concern right now is trying to figure out what to do about JC. He stopped calling a while ago and I don’t blame him at all. If I’d been trying to get a hold of someone and they wouldn’t respond, I’d give up too. Especially considering the way I hauled ass from his place like a bat out of hell. I want to talk to him and resolve this mess, but that’s easier said than done. There’s probably only one thing I could do to get JC to forgive me and I don’t know if I’m ready to go there yet.
Since I seem to be incapable of coming to any sort of decision on my own, I’ve invited Rachel over. She’s been here for about fifteen minutes and I’ve yet to broach the conversation with her. I’m afraid to have this conversation with her because I know that she is going to flip out on me, and with good reason. In some ways I feel like she’s a better friend than I deserve. My life has had more drama than the average soap opera and she has stood by me through a lot of bull, but this may be even more than she can take. Ultimately, I know that she will have my back; but this is not going to be pretty.
I watch as she rummages through the fridge and grabs a handful of grapes. She brings them over to the counter and starts munching. I might as well get this over with.
“Rachel, I need to tell you something and I need for you to not overreact. I need an honest, unbiased opinion.”
She pops a grape into her mouth and gives me a sideways look. Knowing me like she does, she can already sense that is about to be some bull. “I’ll try. What’s up?”
“I had dinner with JC a couple of weeks ago and something happened.”
“Something like what?” I give her a look and she slowly starts to get it. “Did you two fool around again? That’s not exactly news. I was under the impression that you’ve been making out with him on and off since the infamous “everything but” incident of 2004.”
“This wasn’t everything, but. This was everything, period. JC and I slept together.”
As she starts to cough, the grape that she just put in her mouth shoots back out and bounces off the counter. “What did you say?”
“You heard what I said.” Having pushed it out once, I can’t bring myself to say it again.
She starts hopping around the kitchen, doing what I can only describe as a happy dance. “Hallelujah and it’s about time.”
“Why are you so excited about my sex life?”
“Because you finally have a sex life that doesn’t involve that jugheaded jackass, Justin. Because you finally got some from JC. Tell me everything.”
“There’s nothing to tell.” Dredging up details for her will only force me to relive the whole embarrassing ordeal. For my own sanity, the less I remember about that night, the better. “We had sex. That about sums it up.”
“Oh no you don’t.” Rachel grabs me by the shoulders, marches me into the living room and pushes me down onto the sofa. “Over the course of the last six years, I have patiently listened to countless, and might I say, grossly overly detailed descriptions of Justin and his sexual prowess. Now that you’ve finally got something to talk about that I want to hear, you have got to come with some details. Spill, missy.”
I should have known I couldn’t get away without giving her something. “What do you want to know?”
“Was it good? Was he really sweet and gentle or was he freaky? Is his body as hot as I think it is? And most importantly, when are you going to do it again?”
“On a scale of one to ten, I’d have to give him a twenty. It was more sweet than freaky, although he did get creative on me a couple of times. His body is incredible and he’s very flexible. As far as doing it again, I don’t think so.”
“Why not? You just said it was good and he absolutely adores you. What’s the problem?”
“It was good, but it was weird too.”
“Weird how?”
“Well, he kept trying to look in my eyes, and he wanted to hold hands and run his fingers through my hair.”
“That bastard.” Rachel’s voice is flat and sarcastic.
“Okay, Rachel.”
“No, seriously. How dare he want to be affectionate and loving at a time like that?” She rolls her eyes to the ceiling. “Come on, Kay. Have you gotten so used to Justin hitting you from the back that you don’t know what face to face sex is supposed to be like?”
“You did not have to go there.”
“Yes, I did. Given the kind of shitty relationships that you’re used to, I can understand how JC’s behavior might seem strange, but I can assure you this is fairly reasonable. This is how guys that actually give a damn treat you. They want to look at you and make you feel special while they make love to you. It’s not that strange of a concept.”
“This is all besides the point anyway. After the way I left things, I think he’s the one that won’t want to be with me again.”
Rachel lets out a disappointed sigh. “What did you do?”
“He told me that he loved me and I hauled ass. I didn’t know what to say to him and now I just feel like I’ve ruined our relationship for good. I just . . .”
“Whoa, slow down for a minute.” Rachel throws her hands into the air. “He told you that he loved you and you just walked out on him? How could you do something like that?”
“I don’t know. It was just too intense for me. It was just sex and it felt like he was trying to turn it into something else. Something more than what I’m ready for.”
“You should have known that you couldn’t have casual sex with JC. You’ve made some real dumb ass moves, but this one takes the cake. I don’t know where the hell your brain is sometimes.”
“Why are you jumping down my throat all of a sudden? Just a few seconds ago you were acting like it was a good thing that I’d slept with JC.”
“That’s because I thought that you were finally ready to give him a real chance. But this is something else entirely. You just used him.”
“I did not use him.” I totally used him and I know it, but denial is a close personal friend of mine.
“You did use him. You know how he feels about you. Hell, even Jonah probably knows how JC feels about you. Why did you sleep with him if it didn’t mean anything to you? Did you do it just to make Justin jealous?”
“I was not trying to make Justin jealous. I wasn’t trying to do anything. It’s not like I went over there planning to seduce him, it just happened. Besides, I didn’t exactly put a gun to his head. He knew what he was getting into.”
Rachel looks at me and sadly shakes her head. “The transformation is complete.”
“What transformation?”
“You’ve turned into Justin.”
“That’s not true.” I pray for this not to be true, but I fear that it probably is.
“The hell if it isn’t. You’re stringing along someone that you know has strong feelings for you. You use sex as a replacement for actual intimacy and you bail before the sheets are dry. If none of that seems even remotely familiar, you’re deeper in denial than I thought.”
Of course everything she just said is disturbingly familiar, but I’m not about to cop to any of it. “You know what? I’m sorry I told you about this. I must have been crazy to believe that you could be objective.”
“You’re the one that’s not being objective. Has Justin screwed with your head so badly, that you honestly believe there’s nothing wrong with the way you treat JC? I don’t understand why you would rather have pieces of someone that has treated you like shit, than all of someone that worships the ground that you walk on.”
“Listen Rach, I’m just trying to figure out what to do. I need advice, not judgement.”
“I happen to think that you need both. This isn’t even about me judging you, though. My opinion doesn’t matter because you already know that what you’ve done is foul. You don’t need me to tell you that.”
“I know.”
Rachel takes a deep breath and sits down beside me. “Does Justin know?”
“Yeah.”
Suddenly, Rachel’s smile returns. “Did he shit an actual brick or did he just get so mad that his eyes crossed?”
“He didn’t do either. He was actually pretty cool about the whole thing. He says that he’s giving me room to make my own decision.”
She looks highly skeptical. “Justin said that? Justin Timberlake? Are you sure that he understood what had happened? He’s not that bright, you know.”
“I was shocked too, but he seemed sincere.”
“Doesn’t he always?”
“He said that he wasn’t going to meddle and I believe him. He just told me to be careful and to really think things through.”
“I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Justin. You do need to give this some serious thought.”
“What do you think that I should do?”
“You know what I think. I’ve been telling you for years to give JC a real chance. But I can’t help you with this, it has to be your decision. All I can say is that whatever you do, just try to consider JC’s feelings. He’s been good to you and Jonah, and I think he deserves better than what you’ve been giving him. But if you don’t want to have that kind of relationship with him, just tell him once and for all. You should know better than anyone that having your emotions played with is not a whole lot of fun.”
Rachel stands up and grabs her jacket. “Do what you think is best, but try not to make any more of a mess than you already have.” She turns away from me and goes right out the front door without even saying goodbye.
I’m no closer to knowing what to do than I was before I talked to her, but one thing’s for sure; no matter what I do, I’m bound to make things messier. ******************************************************************************
It took me a couple of days to work up the nerve to call JC and it took a couple more days after that for him to stop hanging up at the sound of my voice. Five days and ten pleading phone calls later, he’s finally agreed to come over.
I had been trying to go over what I wanted to say in my head, but now that he’s standing right here in front of me, none of my carefully prepared words will come out.
I step aside and let him come into the house. “Thanks for coming.”
He stops short just inside the doorway. “Can we make this quick? I need to pick up my brother from the airport.”
“Is it a short visit or will he be with you for a little while?” I’m stalling. Making small talk in a futile attempt to avoid the real subject.
“Tyler is going to be here for about a week.” JC’s tone is short and clipped and he won’t even look me in the face. As horrible as I thought I felt, now I feel worse.
“I’m sorry, JC.”
“I pretty much figured that out when you ran away from me. So if that’s all you wanted to say, I can go.”
“No, don’t leave. I know that what I did to you was wrong and I’m trying to apologize. I’m confused, JC. You have to know that. You probably know that better than anybody.”
“Let me ask you a question.” JC cuts his eyes at me and an uncharacteristic smirk takes over his face. “Do you write down Justin’s bullshit or do you just have it committed to memory? Because your ability to regurgitate his excuses verbatim and use them for your own is nothing short of amazing.
“Don’t be this way.”
“I think I’m entitled to be however I want to be.”
“I know that I’m mainly responsible for what happened and you have every right to be upset with me about it, but you need to take some responsibility for it too.”
“How is this my fault?”
“I didn’t force you to sleep with me. In the back of your mind you had to know it was a bad idea just as much as I did, but you went along with it anyway.”
“I went along with it because I care about you and I wanted to be with you.”
“But you knew that it wasn’t going to mean as much to me as it did to you. I’m not trying to be mean, but that’s the truth and you know it.”
JC looks positively defeated. “Maybe I did know that it wouldn’t mean as much to you, but I didn’t think that it would mean nothing.”
“I never said that it didn’t mean anything. I know that’s the impression that you got given the way that I left things, but it did mean something to me. I just can’t give you want you want from me.”
“How do you know that?”
His question catches me off guard. “How do I know what?”
“You’ve never asked me what I want from you, so how do you know that you can’t give it to me?”
He’s got me there. “What do you want?.”
“I just want an opportunity. You’ve been wrapped up in Justin for so long that you’ve never even seriously contemplated being with anybody else. You’re constantly worried about what he’s doing and what he’s thinking. You’ve wasted years sitting in this house, salivating over every random drop of affection that he decides to throw your way. All I want is a chance to show you that it doesn’t have to be that way. I don’t really think that’s a lot to ask for.”
“No, that’s not a lot to ask for. It’s just hard for me to believe that’s all you want. You’ve already told me that you love me.”
“I do love you, but I never said that you had to love me back. You’re not there yet and I realize that.”
“I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be ready.”
“Aren’t you tired of the way your life is right now? Don’t you want to at least try to have something better, Kay?”
He makes it sound so simple. Maybe it can be simple, but I’ve just been making it hard. “I just don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t. We can take things as slow as you need to.” JC reaches his hand out to me. “Just give me a chance.”
I am tired, but even more than that, I’m afraid. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to be with JC. Afraid to admit to myself what it is that I really want. In the ongoing battle between head and heart, my head has emerged as the victor of this battle.
I place my hand inside of JC’s and let him pull me into an embrace. I am so tired and his shoulder is a comfortable place to rest my head.
There is no comfortable place for my heart.
*****************************************************************************
JC and I have been out on a couple of dates and it’s been going pretty good so far. I had feared that perhaps he’d be expecting me to sleep with him again right away, but he hasn’t made any advances of that sort. Being with him is nice and some drama free affection has definitely been lacking in my life. Also, being with JC hasn’t given me any time to think about Justin.
It’s refreshing to just be able to move forward. I know that my relationship with JC is kind of one sided right now, but if I just give it some time, maybe I can grow to love him. Or at least this is what I tell myself.
JC and I picked Jonah up from school today and then we went to the Georgia Aquarium. Jonah had a great time and truthfully, so did I. When we pull up to the house, I wait until Jonah gets out of the car and heads up the driveway before giving JC a hug and a kiss. There’s enough confusion going on already, no need to add any more.
I send JC off with a wave before heading up to the house. As soon as I open the front door, Jonah runs in ahead of me, almost knocking me down. God forbid that he miss a few seconds of whatever Japanimation nonsense it is that he’s hooked on this week.
I’m looking through the mail when he comes running back to the foyer and grabs me by the hand. “What is it, honey?”
“Come on.” He tugs on my hand and starts pulling me into the living room. “Daddy’s here.”
And indeed he is. I look at Justin with a question on my face and he just shakes his head. He steps close to me and whispers in my ear, “We’ll talk later.”
He goes back to Jonah and bends down next to him. “You miss me?”
“Yeah. A whole lot.”
“I missed you too. You been taking care of your mom like I told you to? You been good?”
Jonah vigorously nods his head, causing his curls to fly all over the place. “I’ve been real good, Daddy.”
Justin looks up at me to get my take on the situation. “I don’t know about that. Ms. Richards told me that he’s been chasing little girls around the playground.”
“I don’t chase them.” He states emphatically. “They chase me.”
Justin looks at me again. “I can’t really hold that against him. Being chased by women is the male Timberlake’s cross to bear. I can’t punish him for genetics.”
I refuse to even dignify that comment with a response.
Jonah tugs on Justin’s sleeve to get his attention. “I don’t like it when they chase me, Daddy. They touch my hair and try to kiss me. On the mouth. Yuck!” He sounds positively outraged.
“Promise me that you’ll watch yourself with those fast little girls.”
“I promise.”
“Okay. I’ve got something for you.”
Jonah’s eyes go wide with excitement. “What?”
Justin picks Jonah up and deposits him on the sofa. “Close your eyes.”
Jonah shuts his eyes tightly and puts his hands over them too. Justin steps away for a second and when he comes back he’s got an animal carrier. Inside of the carrier is the cutest little beagle puppy. He takes the puppy out and puts it in Jonah’s lap. The puppy wastes no time in standing up on his stubby little hind legs and kissing Jonah all over the face. Tail wagging nonstop, all the while.
Jonah’s eyes pop open and he grabs the dog into a hug. “Thank you, Daddy. What’s his name?”
“He doesn’t have a name yet. He’s yours so you get to name him yourself.”
“Really?”
“Really. You can name him anything you want.”
Jonah scratches his chin like he’s deep in thought. “Nemo!”
Justin and I look at each other and try not to laugh. “You sure? Cause once you start calling him that he’ll get used to it and that will just be his name.”
“I’m sure.”
“Then Nemo it is. Now JoJo, you asked for this dog so you have to take care of him. You have to make sure he gets fed, give him his bath and take him out in the yard so that he gets plenty of exercise. Nemo is your responsibility now.”
“Do I have to clean up his poop too?”
“Yes.”
Jonah pokes his bottom lip out. “But I’m just a kid.”
“You weren’t too much of a kid to con me into bringing you this dog, so you can readjust that lip cause I’m not falling for it.”
“Okay.” Jonah’s pout is immediately replaced by a smile. He really is a junior hustler. “Can I take Nemo to my room?”
“Of course you can.”
Jonah throws his arms around Justin’s neck and kisses him on the jaw. “I love you, Daddy.”
“Love you too. Now go show Nemo all your toys so he can figure out what he wants to chew up first.” Jonah slips off the sofa, scoops Nemo up and heads toward his room.
“Jonah that mutt is not going to be sleeping on your bed.” I get no response. “I know you hear me.”
Justin stands up and walks towards the kitchen. “You do realize that the dog is probably already on the bed, right?”
“I know.”
“Where exactly did he come up with the name, Nemo?”
“We were at the aquarium today. When we went through the tropical gallery, he saw some real clownfish and they reminded him of Nemo. I guess the name was just fresh on his mind.”
“Well, now it makes sense.”
“That puppy is adorable, Justin.”
“I took one look at him and knew that he was the one. Plus, I did a little research and Beagles are supposed to be a good breed for kids. He won’t get too big and you can keep him in the house.”
“When you told me Jonah wanted a dog, I was so scared that you were going to get him a Boxer.”
“What’s wrong with Boxers?” Justin looks vaguely insulted. “My dogs are Boxers.”
“Those dogs are ugly as sin, Justin.”
“How you gonna talk about my babies like that?” He pulls a carton of orange juice from the refrigerator and takes a glass from the cabinet. “I thought you liked Buckley and Brennen.”
“I do like them. I think they’re very sweet. They’re also very ugly.”
“I’m gonna tell them what you said. Probably bite you the next time they see you.”
“If one of those dogs bites me, I’m going to bite you.”
“That sounds a little kinky, but as long as you promise not to break the skin, I’m all yours.”
“Okay, now that we’re finished with the sexual innuendo portion of the conversation, perhaps you’d like to tell me what you’re doing here.”
Justin pours himself some juice and takes a big gulp. “Um. . .things didn’t go so well with the label.”
“What does that mean exactly?”
“I may have told a couple of really important people that they could kiss my ass. Or go fuck themselves. Something along those lines.”
He tries to take another sip of juice, but I snatch the glass from his hand. “Justin, why on earth would you do something like that?”
“They tried to make a sucker out of me. When I first got there everybody was really laid back and casual. They pretended like they understood that I’d done what I had to do about Jonah, then they sent me off to Los Angeles like everything was just fine. Me and Tim got the first single ready to go and I was looking at video treatments. Then they lowered the boom on me.”
“What boom would that be?”
“A team of public relations goons showed up from out of nowhere. They wanted to talk to me about how I was going to handle questions about you and Jonah.”
“You had to know that they were going to do that. You’re going to be doing a ton of interviews and you know that people are going to ask.”
“Of course I know that. My strategy was that I would just answer any questions with the truth and then do my best to keep the interview moving. The record label had other ideas. They wanted me to try and dump the whole thing off on you.”
“Dump it on me, how?”
“They wanted me to say that you had only recently told me that Jonah existed. I guess they figured I might seem like less of an asshole if I didn’t know about Jonah until a few months ago. Then they wanted me to agree to not be seen with you or Jonah. They told me that it would be best if the two of you were kept out of sight and out of the public’s mind.”
“It’s not like Jonah and I were going to be following you around anyway.”
“That’s not the point. I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of my own lies, so I sure as hell wasn’t about to tell theirs. The last straw was when they asked me if I couldn’t give it another try with Cameron. The reasoning behind that bullshit was that if it seemed like Cameron had forgiven me, then it might be easier for the public to forgive me too. But I don’t need the public to forgive me. There’s only one person whose forgiveness I really need to have; everybody else can kiss my ass. I tried to explain that to them as nicely as I could, but then they started getting smart with me. That’s when my language got colorful. I told them all what they could do for me and then I just walked out. Johnny called and told me that they’ve decided to postpone the single and the cd until further notice.”
“I’m sorry, Justin.”
“What are you sorry for? None of this is your fault.”
“I feel like you went public about Jonah to please me.”
“I didn’t do it to please anybody. I did it because it was the right thing to do.”
“It was the right thing to do, but maybe you didn’t do it at the right time.”
“The right time would have been four years ago, but I didn’t and that is no one’s fault but mine. Now I have to suffer the consequences. That’s just the way that the world works.”
“This just doesn’t seem fair. You put your heart and soul into your music. I can’t believe those jackasses are treating you this way. Your job is to entertain people. You shouldn’t have to justify your personal life to a bunch of strangers.”
“Justifying myself to strangers is part of the job description. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but it is.”
I’m pacing back and forth with my arms folded across my chest. “I’m just really pissed that they would do this to you.”
“You need to calm down, Kay. It’s not the end of the world.”
I can’t believe that Justin “Temper Tantrum” Timberlake, is telling me to calm down. “Why aren’t you more upset about this?”
“What’s the point? Ranting, raving and stomping around like a maniac isn’t going to change anything. Johnny says that I should just lay low and let him try to straighten things out for me, so that’s what I’m going to do.”
I’m not at all pleased about the circumstances, but I’m glad to have Justin back home. In case you’re wondering, that fluttering sound you just heard was all thoughts about a relationship with JC flying right out the window. “Did you already put your stuff up?”
Justin looks confused. “What stuff?”
“Your clothes and all the other random junk that you bring with you when you stay here.”
“I’m not staying here. I just needed to talk to you and bring Jonah his puppy. I don’t have any intention of staying in Atlanta.”
“What are you going to do? You’re not going back to Los Angeles to ramble around in that big house by yourself, are you?”
“No. I’m gonna stay with mama and Paul for a little while. I think it would be good for me. I can hang out with my brothers. My dogs are out there and I haven’t seen them in forever. I just need to be somewhere that I can relax. Besides, I promised to be out of your hair and I don’t want to go back on my word.”
“It’s not like you knew that this was going to happen and that you’d have to come back. You can stay here if you want.”
“It’s sweet of you to offer, but I think it would be best if I go.”
“What are you going to tell Jonah? He’s going to want you to stay.”
“Jonah wasn’t expecting me to be around right now anyway. He doesn’t have to know anything other than I popped in for a visit. I think he’ll be okay with that.”
“I guess.” I’m doing a miserable job of hiding my disappointment and I know it.
“I’m gonna run Jonah and Nemo to Petsmart and pick up a couple of things, then I think I should go ahead and get on the road.”
“You’re going to drive to Tennessee tonight? By yourself?”
Justin tries to ease my concern with a smile “I’ve done it plenty of times before. I’ll be fine.”
“Call me when you get there.”
“It’ll be like two o’clock in the morning.”
“I don’t care. I won’t be able to sleep unless I know you got there safely.”
“I’ll call you as soon as I pull up in front of the house. I promise.”
“Okay.”
Justin takes a step toward the hallway, then he turns back. “Don’t think for one second that I don’t want to be here, because I do. If I had my way about it, I would move in and I wouldn’t ever leave. But one of us needs to take a step back. Having me here may be what you think you want, but it’s not what you need.”
“You’re really taking this whole maturity thing seriously, huh?”
“I’m trying to.” He pauses and runs his hand over his head. “I saw JC dropping you and Jonah off. I guess you two are dating or something like that.” His voice is conflicted, like he’s not sure if he’s asking a question or making a statement.
“Something like that.”
“I thought so. Like I said, I don’t need to be here right now.”
I’m envious of the fact that Justin has somehow figured out how to distinguish need from want. It’s a neat trick.
I wish he would teach it to me.
*****************************************************************************
Who would have thought that I would once again find myself going to one of Joey’s Halloween parties? Rachel and Brian agreed to keep Jonah so that JC and could fly to Orlando for the occasion. A strong dose of deja vu hit me as soon as the plane touched down. I’m trying to focus on the here and now, but there’s no way to stop my mind from wandering back to my first trip to see Justin. It’s all so fresh and vibrant as though it just happened yesterday and not almost six years ago. I can distinctly remember the first time that Justin and I made love. I can also distinctly remember the first blatant, bold faced lies he told me.
Aw, such fond memories.
JC has been nothing but good to me, but I find myself comparing every move he makes to Justin. Justin would have done this. Justin would have said that. I’m trying to purge myself of the impulse, but it isn’t easy.
JC and I decided to do the couple costume thing. He’s the prisoner and I’m the guard. JC’s costume consists of an orange jumpsuit. My costume is a little more complicated. I’m wearing a black spandex midriff baring jacket that zips up the front and a matching pair of shorts. My outfit is completed by a pair of high heel boots that lace right up to the knee, a policeman’s cap, mirrored shades and a pair of handcuffs hanging off my belt. The final touch is a badge that identifies me as ‘Officer Goodbody’. The whole outfit is kind of skanky, but I’m giving myself a pass. If you can’t dress like a tramp on Halloween, when can you?
The party is being held at POSH Ultra Nightclub. The place is filled to capacity by the time that JC and I get there. We wander around for about thirty minutes, before finally bumping into Joey. He’s dressed like a clown. How very appropriate.
JC gives Joey a hug and then introduces me. “You remember Kayla, don’t you?”
“Uh. . .yeah. I sure do. You didn’t tell me that you were bringing anyone with you.”
JC looks at Joey quizzically. “It’s not a problem, is it?”
Despite the Ronald McDonald make up he’s wearing, I could almost swear that I can see Joey turning colors. Warning bells start going off in my head, alerting me to the fact that something here isn’t right.
“No, no. Of course not. More the merrier.” Joey claps JC on the back and gives me a big, toothy grin. “Could you excuse me for just one minute?” Joey nearly stumbles over his big clown shoes as he pushes his way through the crowd.
“What was that about?”
“What was what about?” Apparently, JC is just as adept at playing dumb as Justin. Makes me wonder if JC plays some of Justin’s other games. Makes me wonder who taught who.
“Don’t you think that Joey was acting a little weird?”
“Kayla, Joey is always weird. Don’t make something out of nothing. He was just surprised to see us together. We have to give people time to get used to the idea.”
I know that I’m going to need a lot of time to get used to the idea myself. “I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I am. Dance with me.” I allow JC to pull me out onto the dance floor. I’m looking over JC’s shoulder when I spot Joey in the corner having a rather animated conversation with someone. When Joey steps to the side, I find myself looking eye to eye with a slender man wearing a black button down shirt and a pair of black pants. His only attempt at a costume is the Lone Ranger style mask that he’s wearing; but mask or no mask, I’d know those eyes anywhere.
Just like a scene out of a movie, it seems like everything and everyone else just falls away. I can’t hear the song that’s playing. I don’t even feel JC’s arms around me anymore. All I can do is stare into the electric eyes that are staring at me. He says something to Joey, throws one last glance at me and then starts making his way toward the back of the club.
I know that I should just let him go. He’s leaving, JC hasn’t seen him and there will be no scene tonight. It would be fine if I could just let it go. I just saw him less than two weeks ago and since I’m going to Tennessee for Thanksgiving, it won’t be that long before I see him again. There is absolutely no reason for me to follow him out that door.
My brain is pleading with me to close my eyes and forget that I saw him, but the rest of me is already making a plan to slip away.
JC looks at me with concern as I rather abruptly remove myself from his grasp. “You okay?”
“Yeah. It’s just a little stuffy in here. I’m going to step outside for a minute and catch some air.”
“Don’t you want me to go with you?”
“No. You stay here. I’ll be right back. I promise.”
“Okay.” The kiss he’s aiming at my mouth falls short of its mark because I’ve already turned away. In such a hurry to go where I know that I don’t need to be.
I make my way around to the back of the club just as he’s about to get into his truck. “So, you can’t speak no more.”
When Justin looks over at me, I can see that he’s already ditched his mask. The expression on his face can best be described as a mixture between happiness and regret. “I don’t want to cause any trouble.” He steps around to the front of the truck and leans against it. “You shouldn’t be out here, Kay.”
“I know that.” And that is all I intend to say about that. I go over and stand beside him. “Why aren’t you wearing a costume?”
“This is a costume.” I give him a disbelieving stare. “I’m a depressed musician.”
“Nice try.”
“Alright you got me. I just don’t like wearing costumes. Joey had to browbeat me into even wearing the mask. He didn’t fight fair either. I went to his house earlier today and he got Brianna to talk me into wearing it. There’s no way that I could say no to her.” He gives me an appreciative once over. “You certainly believe in going all out for Halloween, though. You look incredible.”
“Thank you.”
Justin takes my hand and gently pulls me away from the truck. “Stand over there for a minute.” He spins me around, trying to look at me from every conceivable angle.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m just trying to get the full aesthetic affect of your costume.” This seems questionable as all of his attention seems to be focused on my posterior.
“Are you just staring at my butt?”
“Kayla, what kind of question is that? You’re wearing spandex daisy dukes and not much else. I’m staring at your butt and everything else that I can wrap my eyes around.”
“Stop.”
“Come on now. You already revoked my touching privileges. You can’t take away my ogling rights too. What’s left to get a man through those cold lonely nights?”
“You’ve got two hands. Use them.”
“My hands will definitely come into play, but men are visual creatures. I’m just trying to store up some images to help me along.”
“Ugh.” I give him a look of mock disgust “You’re a freak.”
A devilish grin streaks across his face. “You would know.”
“Is this an appropriate conversation for us to be having?”
He ponders this for a second, before shrugging his shoulders. “Probably not. But inappropriate conversations are pretty much the cornerstone of this relationship.”
“That’s true.” Inappropriate conversations, inappropriate actions and inappropriate feelings. Our relationship is one big ball of impropriety. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were in Millington.”
“I was, but I was talking to Joey about everything that’s been going on and he thought it might do me some good to get out of the house. He didn’t tell me that JC was going to be here. He was planning a surprise reunion for us. He thinks that if JC and I just sit down and talk things over, we’ll magically turn into best friends again.”
“I didn’t know Joey was that naive.”
“Well, he is. I know he meant well, but he didn’t know that JC was bringing you and that kind of threw a monkey wrench in his plans. When he told me that you two were here, I decided it would be best for me to leave. I don’t want. . .” Justin stops talking and looks at me. “What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to take a little pressure off.” All the while that Justin’s been talking, I’ve been hopping from one foot to the other. These boots may be cute but they are pinching the hell out of my feet. “These boots are killing me.”
Justin lifts my leg up and examines my choice of footwear. “Of course they are. You know that you shouldn’t wear anything that narrow. You’re gonna be hopping tomorrow.”
“I know.”
“Why don’t you give those stompers a rest?” With absolutely no warning, Justin picks me up and deposits me on the hood of his truck. Is it wrong that a thrill rushed through me when he did that? Ridiculous question, I know.
“I can’t sit up here. These shorts are kind of slippery. I’m likely to slide right off.”
He stands directly in front of me and rests his hands on either side of my body. “I won’t let you fall.”
Talk about inappropriate. I know good and well that I shouldn’t be this close to Justin. He’s looking at me with a sly little grin on his face. I am very familiar with this look. This is the patented Timberlake “I want some” look. He’s well aware of the fact that he won’t be getting none, but still the way he’s eyeing me is causing impure thoughts to race through my head. I curse myself internally for allowing him to still have this kind of affect on me. “Can you please stop giving me that look?”
“What look?” Knowing that he’s getting to me just makes his smile brighter.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“I don’t mean to stare. I’m just wondering what sort of offense I’d need to commit to get you to slap those cuffs on me, Officer Goodbody.”
“Don’t make fun. This badge came with the costume. It’s not like I made the name up myself.”
“It’s not like it’s false advertising either.”
“You can’t turn off the flirting, can you?”
“I can, it’s just not that easy when I’m around certain people.” He straightens up, thereby creating a little more space between us. “So, what’s your man supposed to be?”
It would be a waste of breath for me to say that JC is not my man. “I’m the policewoman, he’s the convict. I would have thought that the orange jumpsuit was a dead giveaway.”
“He just looks like a big ass creamsicle to me.” Justin is barely able to contain his smart assed tone.
“What happened to all your new found maturity?”
“Rome wasn’t built in a day and let’s be honest, there’s a lot worse things I could have said. After all, you and the creamsicle did kind of ruin my plans for the night.”
“Sorry about that. Where are you going to go now?”
“I don’t know. I’m certainly not looking forward to spending the rest of the night sitting in a hotel room by myself. Maybe I’ll just drive around for a while. I like driving at night. It’s peaceful.”
“Yeah, it is. Remember when Jonah was a baby and he couldn’t sleep so we’d put him in the car and go for a drive?”
“You’d sit in the back with him until he fell asleep then you’d crawl into the front with me. And we’d just drive. It felt like the three of us were the only people in the world. Everything seemed so perfect.”
“It was always perfect when it was just us. It was integrating us into the rest of the world that was the problem.”
“That’s true.” Suddenly, Justin reaches out and zips up my jacket.
“Why did you do that?”
“You’re shivering. I assume that’s because you’re cold.”
I am shivering and it doesn’t have anything to do with the weather. We’re in Orlando for goodness sakes. There’s not even a breeze. But pretending to be cold is better than admitting the truth. “I am a little chilly. Thank you.”
“You ought to be freezing.” Justin smiles at me and whatever moment we were sharing has officially passed. “You’re damned near naked.”
“I am not.” I smack his chest. “This outfit is meant to be worn indoors. It’s not for hanging out in drafty parking lots with gentlemen of questionable intent.”
He arches an eyebrow at me. “Is that what I am?”
“Not so much the gentleman part.”
“That went right through my heart.” Our laughter subsides and then Justin looks at me. Really looks at me in that way he has that makes me feel like I’m all that he can see. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“We’re not doing anything.”
“Yes we are. I can’t put a name to it, but whatever it is, we probably shouldn’t be doing it at all. We definitely shouldn’t be doing it while you’re on a date with someone else.” My heart jumps as he puts his hands on my hips and lifts me off the hood. He holds me tightly against him and my body slowly slides down the front of his as my feet seek the ground.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing what I should have done in the first place. I’m leaving.”
I’m using every remaining bit of common sense I have to stop myself from telling Justin that I want to leave with him. Dumb as it may be, if he asked me to get in this truck with him and just drive around all night, I would do it and not even think twice.
Dangerous words are on the tip of my tongue, but then I hear a voice cut through the still night air.
“What the hell is this?” I step away from Justin and see JC stalking across the parking lot in long strides. Once he reaches me, he grabs my hand and snatches me to his side so fast that I stumble on my stiletto heels. “What are you doing here?”
Justin does his best to arrange his features into a mask of pleasantness, but it’s not really working. “Joey didn’t tell me that you were going to be here. I never would have come if I’d known.”
“That makes two of us.”
“I’m not trying to get into anything with you. I just want to get the hell out of here. So if you would get out of my way, I’ll be going.”
Justin makes a move for the driver’s side of his truck, but JC won’t let him pass. “You show up from out of nowhere, drag Kayla outside and who knows what you would have done if I hadn’t come out here. Now you think you can just run away without explaining yourself. How typical.”
“First of all, I didn’t have to drag Kayla any damn where. She . . .” Justin stops, and takes a deep breath. “Get out of my way.”
“Why don’t you make me get out of your way?” The minute that Justin tries to start acting like an adult, JC decides to be a jackass. It’s like they’re taking turns.
“JC, stop it.” I try to pull JC back towards the club, but he refuses to budge. “If he wants to leave just let him go.”
Justin steps toe to toe with JC and stares him down. “That’s good advice and you really ought to take it.”
“I’ve told you before. I’m not afraid of you.”
“You should be. I beat your ass before and I wouldn’t mind doing it again, but I’m trying not to go there with you. I don’t want to embarrass Kayla by acting like a fool out here. You ought to have the same amount of respect.”
JC lets out an incredulous snort. “I’m not going to let you lecture me on respect.”
“Do you really want to do this now? If you keep pushing me, I’m not going to keep biting my tongue.”
“Like I give a damn.” JC is trying to give off an air like he doesn’t care about what Justin might say, but he’s looking awfully shifty all of a sudden. “Say whatever you want to say.”
“You sure about that? Are you sure you want to have the conversation that we need to have with Kayla standing right here? I don’t mind, if you don’t. It’s long overdue anyway.”
“Anything you say about me, will only make you look worse.”
“I couldn’t look any worse. Kayla already knows that I’m crazy, you on the other hand have your image to preserve, Saint JC. But like I said, if you want to go there, let’s do it.”
JC is so mad that his whole face is red. I can tell that he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t. He finally steps aside and lets Justin pass.
“Full of shit, as usual.” Justin tosses one more look my way before getting in his truck. I stand there and watch as he pulls out of the parking lot. When I turn back to JC, he’s still huffing and puffing. “What was that about?”
“Nothing.”
“You can’t really expect for me to believe that. If it was nothing, why did you back down? What were you afraid for him to say in front of me?”
“Justin was just blowing smoke the same way that he always does. I let it go because it wasn’t worth it to stand here and argue with him. But let’s not confuse the subject. The real issue is what were you doing out here with him?”
“We were just talking.”
“Since when does talking require that he have his hands all over you?”
“You’re exaggerating and overreacting.”
“No, I’m not. You’re supposed to be here with me, but you disappear for half an hour and I find you standing out here in the dark with Justin.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is.”
“The big deal is the fact that you have absolutely no self control when it comes to Justin. When has it ever taken much more than a little talking for him to get you out of your clothes and flat on your back?”
I can tell that JC regrets what he just said, but that makes absolutely no difference to me. “I want to leave now.”
“Kayla, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it.”
“You said it because you meant it. Don’t try to back peddle on it now. Are you going to take me back to your house so that I can get my things or do I need to call a cab?”
******************************************************************************
JC spends the entirety of our ride to the house apologizing to me, but my ears are officially closed. As soon as we get into the house, I call a cab then I go right upstairs and start throwing my things into a suitcase.
JC hovers in the doorway, watching me as I pack. “Kayla, please. I said that I was sorry.”
I don’t even bother to throw a glance in his direction. “Not good enough.”
“I can’t believe that you’re this upset. Justin has said much worse things to you and you don’t even bat an eye.”
“If your only goal is to be not quite as nasty as Justin, you’ve set your sights way too low. Besides, this doesn’t have anything to do with him.”
“Yes it does. It always does. We were having a good time, but then he shows up and suddenly you want to leave.”
“You seem to be forgetting the part where you insulted me.”
“I’ve apologized a dozen times. What more do you want from me?”
“The only thing I want right now is to get out of here.”
“Please, don’t leave like this. Isn’t there anything that I can do to get you to stay?”
I slam my suitcase shut and turn to face him. “Yeah, there is. Tell me what Justin was talking about. What is it that you don’t want him to tell me?”
“There isn’t anything to tell.” JC has never had a problem meeting my eyes before, but suddenly, his gaze is fixed to a point just above my left shoulder. “I don’t know what he’s trying to insinuate, but I’ve never done anything.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Just because Justin lies to you, that doesn’t mean that I’m the same way. Don’t judge me by his mistakes.”
“Don’t try to use Justin’s dishonesty to weasel your way out of telling me the truth. I am already well aware of his lies. I’m trying to find out about yours.”
“Can’t you see what’s happening here? This is exactly what Justin wants. He plants the seed of doubt in your mind and once again his bullshit comes between us. Why are you letting him do this?”
That’s not an altogether ridiculous explanation. It does seem like the kind of shady thing that Justin is capable of, but my gut is telling me that there is more to this than meets the eye.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe Justin is lying, but all I know right now is that I want to go home. I need to take some time to think. I tried to rush into something with you that we both know I’m not ready for. Maybe Justin showing up tonight was just fate’s way of telling me that I need to slow down.”
JC folds his arms across his chest and leans back against the doorframe. “That’s the dumbest thing that I’ve ever heard.”
“And now you’re calling me dumb.”
“I did not call you dumb. Don’t twist my words, Kay.”
“Your words don’t need twisting. They’re insulting enough just the way they are.” I can hear a horn blowing outside which alerts me to the fact that my cab has arrived. “I’ve got to go.”
I try to walk out the door, but JC blocks my path. “Wait a minute. Are you leaving here so that you can be with him?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Did you agree to meet Justin somewhere?” He grabs my arm and swings me around to face him. “Is that what this is really about?”
“You are paranoid and delusional.” Can I pick them or what? “Now get your hands off me.”
He turns me loose immediately. “Don’t you think I have cause to be paranoid when it comes to you and Justin?”
I can feel the slightest bit of guilt pressing down on my conscience, but it’s not enough guilt to make me spend the night here. “I don’t have time for this, JC.”
“Don’t do this. You’re sabotaging this relationship before it even starts. I’m not Justin, don’t punish me because of what he’s done.”
“I’m beginning to think that you and Justin have a lot more in common than you want to admit to. I’m sick of both of you. I’m sick of you fighting over me like I’m some kind of trophy or inanimate object.”
“Maybe if you didn’t bounce back and forth between us like a human ping pong ball, you wouldn’t feel like an inanimate object.”
“You’ve got a hell of a point. Trust that I will not be bouncing back this way anytime soon.”
JC gently touches my shoulder as I try to go past him. “I don’t want to leave things like this.”
“Then tell me the truth.”
He looks down and shakes his head. “I knew from the start that Justin wasn’t going to treat you right. He has everything and appreciates nothing. Nothing I did or didn’t do changes the fact that he was no good for you then and he’s not going to be any good for you now. Why can’t you see that?”
“JC, please. Just tell me what you did.”
JC’s face shuts down and the last little bit of light goes out of him. I guess he’s finally given up. “Ask Justin to tell you.”
“I already told you. I’m not leaving here to be with Justin.”
“Doesn’t matter. One way or another that’s where you’ll end up, because that’s where you really want to be. I could pull the moon right out of the sky and put it in the palm of your hand and it wouldn’t mean anything to you because I’m not him.”
“JC. . .” I stop there, because I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I can’t deny what he just said.
“It’s okay, Kayla. We can’t help who we love, can we?” JC’s eyes are shimmery, reflecting the light like diamonds.
“I’m so sorry, JC.”
“So am I. Just try to remember that I only did what I thought I had to do. Try not to hate me.”
“I could never hate you. I know what it’s like to love someone so much that it makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. Things that you don’t even really want to do. Whatever else you’ve done, you’ve been there for me when I didn’t have anyone else. I might get mad at you for a little while, but I will never hate you.”
I drop my suitcase to the floor and wrap my arms around JC. He lets me hold him for a little while, but then he pushes me away. “You need to leave now, Kay.”
I pick my bag up and head for the door.
“Justin is a dick.” I stop walking but I don’t turn around. I can tell by the slight tremor in his voice that JC is crying and I can’t bear to see it. “But he really does love you.”
I run outside and jump into the awaiting cab. I don’t really know where to go, so I just ask the driver to take me to the nearest hotel.
Is there anything lonelier than staying in a hotel room in a strange city by yourself? If there is, I certainly don’t want to know about it. I had told myself that I would feel so much better once I took a nice long bath and climbed into bed. But somehow I find myself incapable of doing anything besides sitting on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands. Just sitting and thinking.
I think about JC. All alone, shedding tears and broken hearted over someone that isn't worth it. I can only hope that one day he finds the kind of love that he deserves.
I think about Justin. Driving around on some deserted stretch of highway with nothing but his guilty conscience to keep him company. I wonder if he’ll ever be able to bridge the gap between the boy that he was and the man that he wants to be.
And then I think about myself. I’ve finally figured out what I don’t want.
But I’m still working my way backwards to what I do.
