Walk Away
July 2003
Melanie and Nic left with me. Melanie and I were in a cab while Nic followed behind us in my car. I was way too messed up to attempt the drive home.
Mel, Nic and I said our goodbyes, and made promises to keep in touch. I staggered my way up the driveway and felt blessed that I didn’t fall down on the way. I was tired and disgusted. Justin’s suggestion that I take a bath and get in bed was definitely starting to sound like a good idea. But as soon as I walked into the living room, I knew that I wouldn’t be taking a bath or getting in bed any time soon.
I was only half right, though. I was in bed about twenty minutes later.
I don’t know how in the hell he beat me back to the house, but Justin was waiting for me. He was stretched out with his feet up on my sofa, he had a glass in his hand and there was a practically empty bottle of Alize on the coffee table.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“I was trying to keep my buzz going, but I couldn’t find any decent liquor. Although, I do have to say that this fruity shit right here packs more of a punch than I thought it would.” He put the glass down and picked up the bottle. “Want some?”
Was that some shit or what? Offering me my own liquor after he’d already damn near drained the bottle. “Hell no.”
“Suit yourself.” Since he was drinking alone, he decided to forgo all formalities. He turned the bottle up to his mouth and didn’t put it down again until it was dry.
“You can’t just come in and out of this house anytime that you want to.”
“Yes I can.” I already knew that he was drunk, but judging by his heavy lidded, red rimmed eyes, it looked like he was high as well.
A drunk Justin was usually easy enough to deal with. A drunk Justin was goofy, playful and after a few alcohol fueled philosophical discussions, he’d throw up and pass out. Not necessarily in that order, but still, not a big deal.
A high Justin, however was a different story altogether A high Justin was unpredictable and destructively impulsive. His emotions were erratic and his senses seemed to be heightened rather than dulled. Simply put, a high Justin wasn’t nothing nice.
“This is my house, that I bought for my son. I can come and go any time of the day or mother fucking night and there’s not a damn thing that you can do about it.” I was not at all surprised that he had pulled the “my house” card.
“I’ve had enough of you in this one day to last me a lifetime. I don’t want to hear any more of your nonsense and I’m not going to argue with you. I just want you to get out.”
“I told you before. You can’t make me leave this house.”
“Fine. You can sit there and talk to yourself because I’m going to bed. Try to remember to lock the door on your way out.”
“We’ve got unfinished business, Kay.”
“No, we don’t. I couldn’t be more finished with you if my life depended on it.” I started to move toward the hallway, but he sprang up and grabbed me by the wrist.
“Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you.”
“Who are you supposed to be? I can walk away from you anytime that I want to because you are nothing to me right now. Matter of fact, you’re less than nothing.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. You’re not my daddy, you’re not my man and you’re damn sure not a friend. At this point you’re nothing more than a sperm donor. An involuntary one at that.”
“You can’t talk to me like that.”
“I just did. Now, you need to call one of your flunkies and get them to take you somewhere so that you can sleep it off.”
“I’m not drunk and I don’t want to argue.” He took a deep breath and softened his voice. “I just. . . . I just need to talk to you.”
“About what? What kind of foolishness do you want to spout this time? Have you decided to become a pimp and you want me to be your bottom bitch? Maybe I can be an ass shaker in one of your videos. What degrading proposition do you want to throw my way this time?”
“You know I wasn’t serious about that open relationship shit. I don’t really want to share you with anybody. The thought of you being with someone else makes me crazy.” I think crazier would have been a more appropriate choice of words.
“You need to get over that. I’m going to go out with other men. I’m going to kiss them, I’m going to touch them and when I feel like it, I’m going to fuck them. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”
I was trying to make Justin mad, but the look that raised up on his face scared the hell out of me. His nostrils were flared, his eyes were on fire and I got the fleeting feeling that he wanted to hit me. I’d never been afraid of him in a physical sense before, but after seeing the way he tried to rearrange JC’s face, I was wary of his temper. He raised his hand toward me and I flinched.
Justin tipped his head to the side and looked into my eyes. “Did you really think that I was going to hit you?” He looked hurt and insulted. “I may be capable of some really fucked up stuff, but I would never lay a hand on you. Not you or Jonah. Ever. I thought you knew that.”
“I didn’t think you’d try to beat the shit out of JC until I saw it. I don’t know what you’re capable of.”
“You know as well as I do that JC’s punk ass didn’t get half of what he deserved. But, you know what? I’m not the least bit interested in talking about him right now. This is about me and you.”
Justin grabbed my other wrist, backed me up against the wall and held my hands above my head. “Is this your idea of not laying a hand on me?”
“We’re not gonna play that game. I’m not hurting you. I’m not even holding you tightly. You could get away from me if you wanted to and we both know it.”
“Get the hell out of this house.”
“No.”
“I’m not asking you. I’m telling you. I want you to leave.”
“No you don’t. You need me. You need me the same way that I need you. Cause me and you, we’re just alike. The only difference is that you hold your pain inside and punish yourself. I turn mine out and punish everybody else. But the bottom line is that we’re broken in all the same places.”
“You are truly certifiable.”
“Am I?” He let my arms go and backed away from me. “If I’m so crazy and you really don’t want me, why are you still standing here? I’m not touching you. You can call the police. You can go into your bedroom and lock the door. You can get away if you want to but the point is that you don’t really want to. You want me here. You just don’t want to admit that you want me here.”
He had hit the nail dead on with that one. Being close to Justin always confused me. He made me doubt my instincts, made me unsure of what I wanted and what I didn’t. He could say the most awful things to me with so much love in his eyes. I could feel my already feeble defenses breaking down. “Please leave me alone.”
“I can’t.” He reached toward me and traced his fingertips over my face. “I would if I could, but I just can’t.”
I was naive, your love was like candy
Artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping
Got caught in your web and learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed and devoured completely
He stared me down until something inside of me broke. In a matter of seconds, my whole body had betrayed me. My eyes wouldn’t look away. My heartbeat quickened with anticipation. Desire uncurled in my stomach. My aching center released a rush of wetness as my body prepared itself for what my brain was still pretending to resist. As a final betrayal, hands that should have pushed him away, took on a life of their own and gripped him about the shoulders. I pulled him close enough that I could breathe every breath as it left his body.
And it hurts my soul, cause I can’t let go
All these wall are caving in, I can’t stop my suffering
I hate to show that I’ve lost control, cause I
Keep going right back to the one thing
That I need to walk away from
He didn’t look as cocky or triumphant as I would have expected. He just looked grateful and vaguely shocked. It was like he knew what he wanted to happen, but never expected that it actually would. He regained his composure immediately and put his mouth on mine before I had a chance to change my mind. His lips parted and at the first touch of our tongues, I knew there was no way to stop what had been started. I had forgotten how much I liked kissing Justin. There was something about him that if you kissed him once, you wanted to do it over and over again. I don’t know if it was the lush feeling of his lips or the skill with which he maneuvered his tongue, but whatever it was I just couldn’t get enough.
I should have known that I was used for amusement
Couldn’t see through the smoke, it was all an illusion
Suddenly it seemed like he had grown an extra set of hands and they were all over me; caressing my breasts, squeezing my ass, running up my thighs and sliding down my back. He started pulling and tugging on my clothes like they were on fire. He was in such a hurry to have me naked, that he couldn’t master the complicated mechanics of pulling my top up over my head. Instead he just gathered the filmy material in his fist and yanked straight down. I heard a slight ripping sound as the straps popped. He didn’t stop pulling until the shirt was a useless piece of fabric bundled around my waist.
Now I’ve been licking my wounds, but the venom seeps deeper
We both can seduce, but darlin you hold me prisoner
My mind started sorting through what I could possibly say to Rachel to explain how I’d managed to break both the straps on her shirt. I had a feeling that no matter what I said, she’d be able to piece together how it had happened. Then I felt Justin’s warm, wet mouth close around my nipple and a ruined piece of clothing was the last thing on my mind. I couldn’t think about anything but Justin and the way he made me feel. I grabbed the back of his head and arched my back.
Oh I’m about to break, I can’t stop this ache
I’m addicted to your allure and I’m fiendin for a cure
Once he had me properly distracted, he reached under my skirt, shoved my panties to the side, and slid two fingers into the gathering moisture between my legs. He kissed his way back up my body and whispered in my ear. “I knew you wanted this.” He sucked on my neck while his fingers kept up a furious pace down below. My hips were working double time as I grinded myself against his hand.
He abruptly removed his fingers from me and I nearly cried at the loss. Before I could ask him anything, he grabbed everything I had on, the top, the skirt and my underwear and pulled it all down together in one big puddle that landed at my feet. I was standing before him wearing nothing but the heels on my feet and the dazed expression on my face.
Every step I take, leads to one mistake
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need, oh
I reached for him and starting trying to pull his shirt up over his head, but he removed my hands and pushed me back. He dropped to his knees in front of me and slowly ran his tongue across my stomach, over to my hip and down my right thigh. He looked up at me as he lifted my leg in his hand. He placed kisses up my leg, working his way inward until he reached the most sensitive part of me.
I can’t mend, this torn state I’m in
Getting nothing in return, what did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn, and everywhere I turn
I felt like I was falling. I only had one stiletto clad foot to balance on and nothing but the flat wall to try and hold on to. I begged him to stop, but my pleas for mercy fell on deaf ears. He simply pushed my leg up higher, allowing him to push his tongue in deeper. He didn’t turn me loose until I had exploded against his mouth and my body went slack. My knees buckled as he let my leg drop, but he caught me around the waist before I could slide down the wall. He smiled at me while licking his cherry red lips and my stomach dropped.
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
To walk away from
I grabbed his forearms and pulled him towards me. Then I turned around, reversing our positions. He let me push him against the wall and pin his arms down by his sides. I leaned forward and caught his bottom lip between my teeth. I nipped and sucked on his lip before plunging my tongue deep into his mouth. His tongue met mine and I could taste the salty, sweet flavor of my own skin.
I need to get away from you, need to walk away from you
Get away, walk away, walk away
I reached between our bodies and nimbly unfastened his jeans with just one hand. My fingers slid into his boxers and closed around his growing erection. I massaged him, slowly at first, then increasing my speed as his breathing got heavier. I was handling him a little bit roughly, but he made no complaints. As a matter of fact, my sudden display of aggression seemed to turn him on even more.
The more force I put into our kiss, the harder he became under my touch. I slid my mouth down to his neck and bit down; not hard enough to break the skin, but hard enough to make a strangled cry escape his lips. I would be lying if I said it didn’t pump up my ego to hear him whimpering like that knowing that I was the reason.
Turned on or not, Justin’s control freak nature reared it’s head. He was content to let me run things for a little while, but he wasn’t about to let me forget that this was his show. He removed my hand from his pants and twined our fingers together. “Not like this.” He kissed me and then started moving me backwards toward my bedroom.
Every time I try to grasp for air
I am smothered in despair
It’s never over, over
We stood near the foot of the bed, our kisses were sensuous and deep as we worked together to undress him. Unlike the hurried way in which my clothes had been dispatched, Justin’s clothes came off slowly. I savored every second and worshiped every inch of his flesh as it was revealed.
At that point I could no longer pretend that I’d been caught up in some sort of sexual frenzy. I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew that it was a mistake. I knew that I would regret it, probably as soon as it was over. But none of this knowledge stopped me or even slowed me down. I let my mind have the rest of the night off and my body took over. My body had no moral objections or conflicts. My body only had memories; good memories of the body that it was pressed so closely to.
Seems I’ll never wake from this nightmare
I let out a silent prayer
Let it be over, over
I sat down on the edge of the bed and started scooting backwards toward the headboard. Justin went with me, climbing over my body, placing hot fevered kisses on every inch of skin he came across. He lingered in some places; spending immeasurable amounts of time kissing, licking and caressing.
Inside I’m screaming
By the time he got face to face with me, I felt like I had fire in my veins. I raised my legs up against his sides and lifted my hips toward him. I was desperate to have him inside of me, but he was not yet ready to give me what I could no longer deny wanting. He teased me mercilessly. Brushing his heavily swollen dick against my clit; letting the head slip into me and then pulling it right back out. I bucked my hips up against him, but still he refused me.
Begging, pleading
No more
I thought he wanted me to beg and I complied immediately. “Please,” dripped from my lips so many times that the word seemed to lose all meaning. But it was not begging that he was after. He wanted something else.
He hovered over me, close enough that his lips brushed against mine when he spoke. “Tell me you love me.”
Now what to do
My heart has been bruised
So sad, but it’s true
Each beat reminds me of you
My eyes fluttered open and the Justin that I saw above me was one that I hardly ever got to see. I saw the Justin that swore on his life that he loved me like no other. The Justin that acted like he couldn’t breathe without me.
“Tell me.” His voice more persistent and urgent than it had been before. “I need to hear you say it.” He seemed fragile, vulnerable and oh so very breakable.
It hurts my soul
Cause I can’t let go
All these walls are caving in
I can’t stop my suffering
I looked into his eyes and brought my hand up to caress his face. “I love you, Justin.”
He let out a sigh of relief and a slight smile crept onto his face. He hooked his arms underneath my knees and leaned forward, spreading my thighs as far apart as they would go and completely opening my body up to him. He thrust inside of me and it felt so good that I wanted to cry. Heaven help me, but I had missed him so much.
I hate to show, that I’ve lost control
Cause I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
He kissed me deeply, the undulations of his tongue keeping time with the smooth and steady grinding of his hips. I eagerly met him, thrust for thrust and it was only a few minutes before I was completely undone. My body clenched up, all my muscles tightening like a fist. Wave after wave of pleasure rolled through me until my entire being went limp. Justin remained inside of me until my inner walls finally ceased to flutter around his still erect member.
Oh I’m about to break
And I can’t stop this ache
I’m addicted to your allure and I’m fiending for a cure
He backed away from me and raised himself up onto his knees. He gave me a few minutes to recover before he lifted my hips and pulled me onto his lap. My feet were flat against the bed, my head was on the pillow, and my back was arched into the air. He looked into my eyes as he slid back inside of me, going deeper than he ever had before. Had me feeling brand new, if you know what I mean. He was still for a minute, giving me a chance to get used to the angle and depth of his penetration. When he did finally start to move, I bit my lip and dug my fingernails into his biceps. He had hit the bottom and was doing his best to knock it out.
Every step I take, leads to one mistake
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need, oh
Justin maintained his control for as long as he could, but I knew when he was right on the edge. I could tell by the flexing of his stomach muscles and the trembling in his arms. He let my body drop back onto the bed and he collapsed on top of me. He whispered in my ear, telling me that he loved me over and over again. His thrusts picked up speed and I gathered him as close to me as I possibly could. My hands slipped across his sweat soaked back and my legs wrapped around his waist. He came deep inside of me and I held him until he was completely spent.
Finally, Justin slid off of me and rolled over onto his back. He wiped the sweat from his forehead, while he tried to catch his breath. “You okay?”
I can’t mend, this torn state I’m in
Getting nothing in return
I couldn’t even speak. I just closed my eyes and shook my head. I was so ashamed of myself that I didn’t know what to do. I rolled away from Justin and tucked my body into the fetal position. I started to cry so hard that my sobs shook my entire body.
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
Justin eased up behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist. “Please don’t cry. It’s gonna be okay. I promise.” He kissed the nape of my neck and drew me tighter against his body. He held onto me and tried to comfort me all through the night. He told me how much he loved me and how he’d make everything right. He did his best to offer me solace, but I continued to cry, until eventually, I had once again cried myself to sleep.
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing
That I need
To walk away from
******************************************************************************
When I woke up the next morning, I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I just lay there with my eyes closed trying to convince myself that I had imagined the whole thing. I wanted to pretend that it was all just a nightmare. But the reality of what had happened was etched all over my body. My head was throbbing, my breasts were sore, all my muscles were cramped and there was a dull ache between my legs.
I couldn’t believe that I had allowed myself to fall back into bed with Justin. Even worse, I had let him go in raw. The thought of using a condom never even crossed my mind. Despite Justin’s seemingly super strength sperm, it wasn’t the fear of pregnancy that frightened me the most. He had been sleeping with Cameron’s nasty ass and who knows what other skanks he might have been tricking with on the road. I cringed at the thought of what he might have picked up and passed on. I felt like I was too stupid to live.
The only saving grace was the empty space beside me. I was grateful that Justin had the decency to make himself scarce before I woke up. At least that spared me from having the most awkward and ridiculous morning after conversation in the history of the world.
Or so I thought.
I finally dragged myself into an upright position. I grabbed my robe from the foot of the bed and started on my way to the bathroom, but the sounds of clanging pots and the smell of bacon drew me to the kitchen instead. Which is where I found Justin wearing nothing but his boxers and a big smile.
He turned off the fire under the pan that he was tending to and came over to take my hand. “I was just about to come and wake you up.” He led me over to the small kitchen table and pulled out a chair for me.
I discretely pinched myself because I was sure that I was dreaming, hallucinating or something. “You cooked breakfast for me?”
“Yeah and I didn’t set the kitchen on fire or burn anything. Pretty amazing, huh?” He went back over to the stove and then returned to the table and put a plate down in front of me. “Well, I have to admit that the bacon got a little crispy, but it’s not really burnt. Not all of it anyway. There’s also toast, softly scrambled eggs with a little shredded cheese sprinkled on top and freshly squeezed orange juice. I didn’t actually squeeze the oranges myself, but I trust the fine folks at Tropicana, don’t you?” He smiled at me again and I couldn’t remember the last time that I had seen him in such a good mood.
I just sat there, staring at the plate and trying to push down the bile I felt rising up my throat. Justin pushed the hair out of my face and gave me a concerned look. “You’re not too hungover to eat are you?”
“No.” I picked up the fork and started pushing the eggs back and forth on the plate. I had no intentions of eating. I was just trying to placate Justin while I thought of a way to extricate myself from the mess that I had created.
He grabbed a piece of bacon from my plate and spoke to me in between bites. “I guess that you and Jonah can just stay here until I finish touring with Christina. After that, I’m going to Australia. You and Jonah can come with me and then we can think about what to do with this house when we get back to the States.”
Most of what Justin was saying went in one ear and out the other. I was in a daze, trying to figure out how exactly I had ended up where I was. Slowly though, his fairytale yang-yang started to filter into my consciousness. “What?”
“I was just thinking that we could make our permanent home here in Atlanta if that’s what you want. I know that you didn’t feel comfortable in Los Angeles, so I wouldn’t mind moving here. If we do that though, we’ll definitely need to get a bigger house. Anyway, I don’t guess we need to worry about any of that right now.”
“Justin, what are you talking about?”
He leaned over, kissed my cheek and gave me a condescending grin. “You are hungover, aren’t you? I’m talking about whether or not we should sell this house. It’s not like we need it anymore.”
“If you sell this house, where are Jonah and I supposed to live?”
“With me. We’re back together now. Where else would you be living?”
“Wait a minute. Since when are we back together?”
He had the nerve to look at me like I was the kooky one. “Since last night.”
“What about Cameron?”
“What about her? I only hooked up with her because I was rebounding like a motherfucker and she kept hanging around. I’ll just tell her to kick rocks. I can murder that whole mess in one phone call.”
“So it’s that easy? You’ll just dump Cameron, over the phone no less. Then you and me will be back together. Just like that.”
“What more does there need to be?”
“Did you really think that you could dickmatize me and then things would magically go back to the way they were?”
“That’s not it at all.”
“Justin, we have problems. Big problems. None of which can be ignored or swept under the rug because we’re sexually compatible. Sex can’t solve what’s wrong between us.”
He chewed on his bottom lip and shook his head. “Don’t do this to me, Kay.”
“I’m not doing anything to you. You’re an adult, you know as well as I do that us sleeping together doesn’t mean that we’re back together.”
“Then what did it mean?” He asked the question with a childlike innocence that nearly broke me.
“It didn’t mean anything. It was a stupid mistake. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes it is.”
“No it’s not. You’re just saying that. I hurt you and now you’re trying to hurt me. But can’t you see that I’m sorry? You don’t need to do this.”
“I’m not trying to hurt you, Justin. I just don’t want to be with you anymore.”
“Then why did you tell me that you love me?”
“I do love you, but that doesn’t change anything.”
“I know that I’m screwed up and you’re afraid of me. I’ll go to therapy. We can go together. You know, couples counseling. I can be better. Tell me what you want me to do.”
The one thing that I have never been able to figure out about Justin was how someone that seemed so confident and arrogant on the surface, could have so much neediness and insecurity bubbling underneath. It was heartbreaking, but enough was enough.
“I want you to leave.”
“I’ll do anything.” He grabbed my hands from the table and clutched them against his chest so that I could feel the rapid beating of his heart. “Just give me another chance.”
I wrenched myself free from his grasp. “I can’t do that.”
“I love you, Kayla.” I can’t blame him for pulling out that old chestnut. It had worked before. Unfortunately for him, it would not be working again.
“No you don’t. You care about me because I’m the mother of your child. You like having sex with me. I think you lust for me. I think you may even have a certain amount of genuine affection for me. But this isn’t love and you know it.”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Kay. I did the best I could and it still wasn’t good enough. I love you as much as I know how to.” It was then that I knew for sure that I couldn’t fix Justin. No amount of unconditional love or understanding was going to patch the holes that were in him.
“If that’s true, it’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. I guess that maybe you really did try, but this just isn’t good enough.” I held his face between my hands and pressed my mouth to his. He parted his lips in an attempt to draw me into a deeper kiss, but for once I was the first one to pull away. I pushed away from the table and stood up.
“I’m going to take a shower now. I think it would be best for both of us if you weren’t here when I got out.” I went into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I could hear his footsteps as he passed through the hallway. I could tell that he had stopped in front of the door. A part of me wanted so much to open the door and let him in, but common sense prevailed. He must have stood there for about five minutes before finally moving on. About fifteen minutes after that, I heard him come through the hall again and he spoke to me through the closed bathroom door.
“Kayla. I’ll only ask you this one more time and then I’ll never ask you again. I won’t be able to do this again. Do you understand that?” I said nothing, so he continued. “Please take me back.”
“We’ve both made mistakes, but I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is you. Please, Kayla.” I pressed my back to the door as silent tears ran down my cheeks. He waited a few minutes more for a reply, but still I said nothing. “Please.” He pounded his fist against the door so hard that it felt like he’d hit me directly.
I don’t know how long we stood there like that on opposite sides of that door, but eventually I heard the front door open and close. I got into the shower. I turned the water on as hot as I could stand it and I stayed in there until it ran cold.
When I finally came out of the bathroom, Justin was gone.
That was the first time it happened, but obviously it wasn’t the last. It happened again and again and usually the same way. Only two things changed: Justin always made sure to be gone before the sun came up; and he never asked me to take him back again.
My refusal to take him back had cut Justin a lot deeper than I thought it would. I had hurt him and he made sure that I spent the next three years paying for it.
The thing he seemed not to understand though, was that it would have been impossible for me to take him back.
How can you take back what you never let go of in the first place?
Song lyrics:
Walk Away - Christina Aguilera
