May 2006
Justin ended up sleeping over last night. He and Jonah had settled down on the sofa to watch Shark Tale. They'd been quiet for a while and when I came to see what they were up to, they were wrapped around each, snoring up a storm. I looked back and forth between their sleeping faces and the resemblance between them squeezed my heart. You would only have to glance at Jonah to know that he was Justin's son. They look just alike, not only around the eyes. Even through his baby fat I can see the start of what will one day be a square even jaw and high cheekbones.
I hated to wake them up, but I lightly nudged Justin's shoulder. He got up and helped me get Jonah ready for bed. After we got him bathed and tucked in, Justin started getting ready to leave, but I stopped him.
"It's late and you're half asleep. Why don't you just stay here tonight Justin?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah." I turned to go to my bedroom and Justin was right behind me. "Where do you think you're going?"
A look of confusion settled on his face. "I thought we were going to bed."
"We are. I'm going to bed in here and you're going to bed in there." I pointed to the guest room across the hall.
"Come on Kay. Are you really going to make me sleep in that big cold bed all by myself?" He stuck out his bottom lip in an exaggerated pout.
"Do you really think that's going to work?"
"I had to try. But just to show you that my intentions are good, I'll sleep in there by myself, without complaint."
"You've already complained."
"Okay. Without any more complaints." I could tell that he was trying to get me to laugh, but I wasn't in the mood.
"Goodnight, Justin." I tried to close the door, but he put his hand out to stop me. "What now?"
"Can I get a goodnight kiss?"
"I don't think so."
"One kiss isn't going to hurt anything."
"If I kiss you, will you go away?"
"I promise."
"Fine."
He framed my face in his hands and laid a soft, sweet kiss on my lips. It was so different from the way his kisses have been lately. It wasn't like he was rushing through it just so he could get to something else. He kissed me like that was all he wanted. Without meaning to, I found myself slipping my fingers into the belt loops on his jeans, pulling him closer. When he moved to pull away from me, I didn't want to let him go.
After our kiss, he backed away and went into the guest room without another word.
At about three o'clock in the morning, I could feel my bed dip slightly under his weight. He slipped under the covers and eased up behind me. He didn't try anything. He didn't say anything. He just molded his body around mine and put his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him.
I let him stay. But when I woke up this morning, once again he was gone.
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I came to a decision this morning to try and take JC's advice. It was one thing to let Justin run all over me when I was the only person affected by the fallout, but Jonah deserves more. I have to start thinking of him.
What kind of example am I setting for my child? Kids pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for. I don't want Jonah to grow up seeing me as a weak person. I've made a promise to myself to be stronger. I need to keep Justin away from my bed, off my mind and out of my heart.
It's about one o'clock in the afternoon and I'm just finishing up Jonah's lunch, when I hear a lot of knocking and bumping and someone coming through my front door. After the way things went down yesterday, I know JC wouldn't come back so soon.
When I go to see what's going on, Justin is dragging the last of his luggage in from the front porch.
There is so much wrong with this picture that I don't even know where to start. "How did you get in here? I know the door was locked this time."
"I found your spare key." With that he reaches into his pocket and dangles my key ring in front of my nose.
I snatch the keys from his grasp and put them in my own pocket. "You went snooping through the house while I was asleep?"
"I didn't have to snoop. The keys were hanging on a hook by the backdoor. If you hadn't had the locks changed on me last year I wouldn't have had to take those."
"I had the locks changed because I got tired of never knowing when I might wake up to find you trying to climb on top of me."
"Now you're exaggerating. That only happened one time."
"Once was enough."
"I was drunk and I apologized about a hundred times. But if we're digging up stuff to be mad about, why don't you explain to me why JC has a key to this house and I don't?"
"JC has a key to this house because he has earned my trust. You haven't."
"Don't let C's innocent act fool you. I may be a jackass, but at least I'm up front about it. JC is a sneaky bastard."
"He has been there for me and Jonah at times when you were nowhere to be found. He's been a good friend to me."
Justin throws an annoyed look my way. "I'll bet. JC is only interested in one thing and it's not your friendship."
After all the shit that Justin has pulled, I know I don't owe him anything, but still I can't help the wave of guilt that washes over me. If he ever found out about some of the things that have happened between me and JC he'd shit a brick.
I look around at the various bags and suitcases littering my floor. "What's all this?"
He looks at me and shakes his head like the answer should be obvious. "This is my shit."
"Jonah is in the kitchen so watch your mouth. I can see what it is, what I want to know is why it's here."
"I'm gonna be in town for at least another month if not more. It seemed stupid to be staying in a hotel when I could be here with my family."
Yeah, I'll admit it. Hearing him use the word family to refer to me and Jonah definitely put a move on my heart. But there's no way I'm about to let him know that. "Did it occur to you to ask me whether or not I wanted you moving in here?"
"I know I've got a lot of work to do to make things right with you and Jonah. I figured now was as good a time as any to get started. I missed out on a lot of stuff with my son. Before you say anything, I know I'm to blame for that, but I want to spend as much time with him as I can."
"For Jonah's sake you can stay here, but we need to set some ground rules."
"Such as?" The irritation creeping into his voice is obvious.
"You are going to sleep in the guest room. Every night, all night. There can't be anymore creeping into my bed in the middle of the night."
"I thought you liked sleeping with me."
"I can't believe you said that."
"I didn't mean it like that. I'm not talking about sex. I feel peaceful when we sleep together, I always have. I thought you did too."
"I do. Or I guess I did. It's besides the point now."
"No it's not. I'm gonna earn your trust back. I know I can fix things between us."
"Justin at this point the only relationship you should be worried about is the one with your son. As far as you and me, I think that's beyond repair. Which brings me to rule number two. I'm not going to have sex with you again."
Justin's brows are knitted together in genuine confusion. "Why not?"
"Because I don't like the way I feel afterwards. I have to start trying to get my life together and not letting you hop in and out of my bed is a good first step."
A scowl starts to rise up on his face and I can tell that his asshole side is about to make an appearance. "That's fine by me. To be honest, the only reason why I still have sex with you is because I feel sorry for you."
I pause before I say anything because I need time to censor my language and control the volume of my voice. I take a deep breath and speak as calmly as I can. "What did you just say?"
"You haven't been seeing anyone else have you?"
"I don't see how that's any business of yours."
"You don't have to tell me, I already know that I'm right. You're not with anybody else and I appreciate that because I don't want you bringing a bunch of strange dudes around my son. But I know that you have needs, so I thought the least I could do was break you off a little something every now and then."
"You arrogant son of a bitch. You beg me to sleep with you, not the other way around."
"You don't have to beg with words. I can just look at you and tell how much you want me. At any rate, you never turn it down."
"Is this your idea of fixing things between us? How can you stand there and talk to me like that way?"
His features shift and his voice is flat when he speaks. "I'm sorry."
"I am so sick of hearing those words come out of your mouth. They've lost all meaning. You're not sorry. You don't love me, you don't respect me and I'm tired of it Justin."
I start to walk away from him, but he grabs my upper arm to hold me in place.
"I shouldn't have said that to you. I've gotten used to saying pretty much whatever I want to people and usually no one calls me on it. But you deserve better from me. You always have."
"You're right. I do deserve better. I'm not going to let you keep playing this Jekyll and Hyde game with me. You're all sweet talk while you're getting what you want, but as soon as I show the slightest bit of backbone or don't do whatever you want, you turn nasty."
"I don't know how to act around you."
"What are you talking about?"
"I can front for other people, but I know that you see through me. I act the way I do because I'm afraid of you and what you could do to me."
His voice is choked up and when I take a closer look at him, his eyes are glassy. "You can save the crocodile tears Justin. That's one of your tricks that stopped working a while back."
"This isn't a trick Kayla. I live in fear of the day that I will come here and you and Jonah will be gone. You could just pack him up and take him away from me. The sad part is, I'd deserve it."
"I would never do that. I wouldn't deny you the right to see Jonah. But if that's how you really feel, why do you go out of your way to hurt me?"
He relaxes his grip on my arm, sliding his hand down to my wrist. "You've got the upper hand here and you don't even know it. I feel like I have to control you, before you realize that you could control me."
"Relationships aren't about control and having the upper hand."
"My relationships are."
It occurs to me that as screwed up as I am, Justin just may be a little bit worse.
"Then I feel sorry for you." I remove his hand from my arm. "You can stay here, but please, just concentrate on Jonah and leave me alone."
I turn to head back to the kitchen and Jonah is standing in the doorway. I wonder how much of this conversation he heard. How much of it he understood? He's only four, but he's smart. A lot smarter than either of his parents.
He stares at Justin with a look of surprise on his face. How sad is it that he seems shocked to see his own father two days in a row?
"Did you finish your lunch?"
"Yeah." He slowly enters the room and looks up at me. "Why is daddy here?"
"Hey, JoJo." Justin picks Jonah up and carries him over to the sofa. "I'm gonna be staying here with you and your mom for a little while. You'll like that, won't you?"
Jonah looks at me before answering and I plaster a smile on my face. He looks back to Justin and nods his head.
"Cool." Justin stands and reaches his hand back for Jonah. "Want to help me put my stuff up?"
"Okay." Jonah slides off the sofa and tucks his hand into Justin's. While they sort through all of Justin's junk I head back to the kitchen to clean up.
The phone starts ringing and when I pick it up, JC is on the line. I knew I should have let the machine get it.
"Kayla, I just wanted to see how you were doing."
"I'm fine JC."
"Good. I want to take you and Jonah to dinner tonight. Or if you want I could just come over and we could order in."
"We can't do that."
"Did Justin give you a hard time after I left yesterday? Did he tell you not to see me? You shouldn't let him threaten you."
"He didn't threaten me. It's just that he's staying here and I think it might be best if you stayed away for a little while."
JC is quiet for so long that if it weren't for the low buzz of the open connection, I would think he'd hung up on me.
"Why are you letting him do this?"
"It's not what you think. He just wants to spend some time with Jonah."
"He is just using Jonah as a pretense for worming his way into your bed."
"For two people that can't stand each other, you and Justin sure do like to use the same lines. That's the same thing he says about you."
"You know that's not true."
"Do I?"
"Why would you say something like that?"
"I really don't want to talk about this right now."
"I think that we should."
"Well, I don't. I appreciate everything you've done for me and Jonah, but I think you need to back off a little bit right now."
"But, Kayla. . ."
"I'll call you later." I click the off button before he has a chance to say anything else.
"Who was that?" I didn't hear Justin come into the kitchen and I jump at the sound of his voice.
"Don't sneak up on me like that."
"Sorry." He doesn't look sorry at all. "Who was that on the phone?"
"That's none of your business."
"I already know it was JC."
I turn my back to him and start loading the dishwasher. "Then why did you ask?"
"I just wanted to see what you'd say. I wanted to know if you'd be honest with me."
Laughter bubbles out of my mouth. "Do you really think I'm going to stand here and listen to you try to school me on honesty? You can't open your mouth without telling a lie."
"I've never actually lied to you. Anything I've ever said to you, I meant it when I said it."
"This is a pointless discussion. Did you come in here just to eavesdrop and harass me? Or did you actually want something?"
"I want to take Jonah shopping and I wanted to make sure that it was okay with you."
It's a good thing the cup I'm holding is plastic, because it slips right out of my hand. Justin bends to pick it up and puts it on the counter.
"You want to take Jonah shopping? You want to take him outside of this house? Where people could see you?"
"That's what I said."
Justin has never taken Jonah any farther than the playground at the park up the road from our house. And even those trips have been few and far between.
"How does Jonah feel about this little outing?"
"He wants to go. I just thought I should check with you first."
"Where do you want to take him?"
"North Point Mall. We won't be gone long."
"I don't want him getting caught up in a mob scene."
"Nobody's going to mob me. I doubt anyone will even know or care who I am."
"What if someone takes a picture of the two of you together?"
"Then I guess they'll just have a picture of us. I'm really not worried about that."
"Since when are you not worried about preserving your precious image?"
"I just want to take my son shopping. Let's not make this a bigger deal than it is."
I know how much it would mean to Jonah to go somewhere, anywhere with his father.
"Okay. You can take him. But keep a good eye on him and don't be gone too long. And don't just buy him everything he points at. Don't let him go anywhere near that toy store, he'll just guilt you into buying him a bunch of junk he doesn't need. Make sure to hold his hand. Don't let him eat a bunch of junk food. And don't. . ."
Justin comes closer to me and gently places his hands on my shoulders. "Kay, calm down. We won't be gone more than two, three hours tops. I will only let him have one ice cream cone, single scoop. I will never let his hand go or let him out of my sight. Everything's going to be fine. Okay?"
"Alright."
Justin turns and calls out for Jonah. "JoJo, you ready?"
Jonah comes running into the kitchen with a huge smile on his face. "You want to come with us mama?"
"No. You just have fun with your dad, okay?"
I bend down to him and he gives me a hug. "Bye, mama."
"Bye honey."
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True to his word, Justin and Jonah were only gone for three hours. They came back loaded down with bags. Several of which were from KB Toys.
"Justin, you promised."
"I promised not to spoil his appetite, I never made any promises about the toy store. Jonah, why don't you show your mom what you got for her?"
Jonah digs around in one of the bags and comes up with a black velvet box. A jewelry box. "This is for you mommy."
What I find inside the box is the most gorgeous necklace I've ever seen. It's a diamond and platinum heart pendant that must have cost a fortune. I snap the box closed and glare at Justin over Jonah's head.
"Don't you like it mommy? I picked it out all by myself."
His delivery seems coached, so I seriously doubt that. "I love it, Jonah."
"Put it on."
Justin plucks the box out of my hand. "Let me help you." He lifts the necklace out of the box and fastens it around my neck. It feels heavy and cool against my skin.
Justin leads me over to the full length mirror in the hallway. He stands behind me and hooks his chin over my shoulder. "It looks beautiful on you."
He lowers his voice to a whisper and lets his lips brush against my ear when he speaks. "You look beautiful, Kay."
Jonah comes over to join us and I find myself staring at our reflections in the mirror. Anyone that didn't know any better would think we were a normal happy family. Looking at our bright eyes and matching smiles, I could almost convince myself of the same thing.
