May 2006
Justin has been here for almost two weeks and he’s been on his best behavior. He plays with Jonah and reads to him all the time. He calls if he’s going to be late coming home. He does the dishes, makes his own bed and takes out the garbage without being asked. He’s been completely respectful of the house rules that I set up. He’s been just as sweet as he can be.
Of course Jonah is thrilled, but I don’t know what to think of this new and improved Justin. I can’t shake the feeling that I should be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
No matter how many times I ask him why he’s all of a sudden decided to become the Father of the Year, he still hasn’t given me a satisfactory answer. I don’t want this to be another one of his temporary attitude shifts. If he goes back to being his regularly negligent self, Jonah will be devastated. It’s one thing to disappoint me, but if he hurts my son, I seriously think I’d try to kill him.
I’m trying to remain strong, but I find my heart softening toward Justin. I’ve found myself falling into a pattern with him. He drops Jonah off at preschool on his way into the studio and on the days when he doesn’t need to be in the studio until later in the afternoon, he’ll come back to the house and hang out with me. He’s played me a few of his new songs and even made a half-hearted attempt to teach me how to play the guitar. I declared that he was a lousy teacher and he said that I was unteachable. We argued about it, but not in a bad way. It was fun. Like the kind of silly arguments that people in love have with each other.
On this particular morning Justin came back from dropping Jonah off and he’s parked himself at the kitchen table. He’s flipping through some kind of paperwork and I’m reading a magazine, but every once in a while we glance up and kind of catch each other’s eyes. Everything is going along fine, until Justin’s cell, which is laying in the middle of the table, goes off.
He’s the kind of person that has a different ringtone for everyone he knows. He uses P. I. M. P. for that little troll Trace, and he uses Sweet Home Alabama for his mother because that’s one of her favorite songs from back in the day.
When I hear the tinkling notes of California Girls, I know exactly who’s calling. The phone rings about six times and then rolls over to his voice mail. Apparently the person that’s calling is really impatient, because they call right back. The best part is the way that Justin doesn’t even blink. He pretends not to hear the phone ring and he must think I’m deaf in addition to dumb.
After hearing that annoying ass song for what seems like the hundredth time, I can’t take it anymore.
"Justin, aren’t you going to answer that?"
He doesn’t even look up. "It’s not important."
"How do you know it’s not important if you won’t answer it?"
"Trust me. It’s nothing."
"Okay."
Immediately the phone rings again. He reaches his hand out to put it on mute, but I put my hand on top of his to stop him. "You seem very engrossed in those papers you have there. Do you want me to answer that for you?"
Justin doesn’t say a word. He just slides the phone over to me and lets me answer it. I’m not at all surprised by the shrill voice that greets me.
"Why didn’t you pick up, J? I’ve been trying to reach you for the longest time."
"Hello, Cameron."
"Kayla?" Her voice is equal parts confusion and anger.
That’s right, Ms. Diaz knows all about me and I know all about her crazy ass too. But that’s another story for another time. "Yeah, it’s me."
"Why the fuck are you answering Justin’s cell?"
"He’s staying with me for a little while." Justin doesn’t even try to get the phone away from me. He just sits at the table with a resigned look on his face.
"Why the hell is he staying with you?"
"That’s a good question. I’ve asked him, but he hasn’t given me a decent answer yet. Maybe he’ll tell you." I stretch the phone out in Justin’s direction. "It’s for you, J."
Justin snatches the phone from my hand and goes outside to take the call. I’m guessing that was the other shoe that I was waiting on.
Justin stays gone for about ten minutes and then comes back into the kitchen. I’m fully expecting for him to let me have it, but he doesn’t.
"You don’t have to worry about that happening again. I told Cam that I’m spending time with you and Jonah and I’d appreciate if she didn’t call while I’m here."
"What’s going on with you?"
"Wasn’t that the right thing to do?"
"I’m not talking about Cameron. Why are you here? Why are you being so nice to me and Jonah?"
"I love you. Both of you. I just thought it was about time that I started acting like it."
"I don’t believe you."
"Don’t or won’t?"
"Same difference."
"Haven’t I been good?" He asks this question like a little boy that thinks he’s being unfairly punished.
"A couple of weeks of not acting like your head is stuck up your ass isn’t going to make up for everything you’ve done."
"I know that. But I’m trying. I’m sorry and I’m trying to make up for it. Doesn’t that count for anything?"
"No. It doesn’t. Why can’t you just tell me the truth? Why have you suddenly decided to act like you care?"
Justin drops back into his chair. "Because of my father."
"What does Paul have to do with this? He doesn’t know anything about me or Jonah."
"Not Paul. My real father. Something happened with him that made me rethink some of the choices I’ve made." Justin stops talking and looks down at the table. "I’ll admit it. When I came to see you a couple of weeks ago, it was just about the sex."
"That’s hardly a revelation."
"Would you just let me get this out?"
I cross my arms against my chest and lean against the counter. "Whatever."
"My father, Randy, he called me. I asked about Jonathan and Steven and after that, there wasn’t anything to talk about. I had absolutely nothing to say to him. And I wasn’t interested in anything that he had to say to me. I made up some lame excuse that I was on my way out, just so I could get off the phone. I sat down and thought about it for a little while and it finally hit home with me that I don’t know my father and he doesn’t really know me."
"I was only two when my parents got divorced, but I still remember the yelling. I remember watching my mother crying and knowing that he was the reason. I remember weekends when he was supposed to come and get me and he didn’t. I remember all the times when he wasn’t there. I don’t want to call Jonah twenty years from now and realize that he doesn’t have anything to say to me. I don’t want him to think of me and only remember me as the person that made his mother cry. I want something better for my son than what I had. And I want something better for you than the hurt that my mother had. I want to be a better man than my father was."
He sounds sincere, but he always sounds sincere. Many times before he’s turned on the waterworks and laid out a sob story when he was trying to get me to forgive him.
"I want to believe you Justin. I really do. But you have to understand why it might be hard for me."
"Isn’t there anything I can do to make you believe me?"
"There’s one thing you could do for me."
"I’ll do anything. Just tell me."
"I want you to tell your mother about Jonah. She’s the most important person in your life and she doesn’t even know that you have a child. If you can tell her the truth about Jonah and me, I’ll be willing to give you the benefit of the doubt."
Justin pulls the corner of his bottom lip into his mouth and chews on it for a second before releasing it. I’m waiting for it. The blow up, the temper tantrum that I just know he’s about to have. But it never comes. Instead he smiles at me and nods his head.
"Okay."
I definitely wasn’t expecting that. "You have been hiding your son from day one and now all of a sudden you’re willing to tell your mother about him, just like that. Are you serious?"
"It’s about time. I know she’ll be upset that I waited so long to tell her, but she’ll be happy in the long run. She’s gonna love Jonah." He flips open his phone and starts to make a call, but I snatch it from his hand.
"What are you doing?"
"I’m going to call my mother and ask if she can come here. I really think this is the sort of news that I should tell her face to face."
"You’re doing this now? Right now?"
"You just asked me to."
"I know that, but I didn’t think you’d actually do it."
"I said I’d do anything and that’s what I meant. Unless of course you’ve changed your mind. If you don’t want me to tell her, I won’t."
Now I get it. He’s trying to bluff me. Thinking that the thought of having to meet his mother will cause me to panic and call the whole thing off. Two can play that game. I hand the phone back to him.
"Go ahead and call her." I fold my arms across my chest, fully expecting him to make up some sort of excuse. But instead he actually makes the call.
"Hey mama. Yeah I’m doing good. I wanted to know if you could come and see me. It’s really important, so the sooner the better. Call me when you get to the airport and I’ll pick you up. Alright, see you Saturday. Love you too. Bye."
Justin snaps his cell shut and stares at me. Almost daring me to say something.
"Is this some kind of trick? Was that actually your mother on the phone?"
"I guess you’ll find out in a couple of days, won’t you?"
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I’ve been a nervous wreck since that day in the kitchen. I keep trying to convince myself that Justin is just playing games with me. Like any second now he’ll come in and give me some excuse about why his mother can’t come or why he can’t tell her about Jonah. But he hasn’t said anything.
Saturday morning rolls around and Justin just gets up and leaves the house without a word. I keep trying to convince myself that there is no way he will have his mother with him when he comes back. It’s late in the afternoon and I still haven’t heard from Justin. I put all thoughts of him springing his mom on me out of my head. I fully expect for him to come back talking shit.
Jonah and I are outside in the backyard tossing a baseball around, when I hear a car pull up outside. The doors slam and then I can hear footsteps on the gravel path that leads around the side of the house. When I look up, I see Justin coming toward me and he’s not alone. Even if I’d never seen a picture of her before, I’d know her immediately. Anyone could take one look at her huge mass of curly blonde hair and kind blue gray eyes and they would know that this was Justin’s mother.
Her eyes fall on Jonah as soon as she turns the corner into the yard. Jonah’s never been a shy child, so he steps right up to her.
"Hey."
She stoops down in the grass so that she can be eye to eye with him. "Hello. You must be Jonah."
He smiles at her and nods his head. "Who are you?"
"I’m your . . . " She hesitates like she’s not exactly sure how she should introduce herself. "I’m your daddy’s mama. I’m your grandmother."
"Okay." Jonah accepts that answer in the simplistic way that only a child can. "You wanna play ball with me and my mommy?"
She tries to smile, despite the tears forming in her eyes. "Maybe later, sugar. Right now I need to talk to your mother. Okay?"
Jonah shrugs his shoulders and goes back to throwing his ball in the air. She stands up and starts heading toward the house, with Justin and me following behind her. When we get up to the door, she turns around to Justin.
"You should stay out here and keep an eye on your son."
"He’ll be alright for a few minutes."
"I want to talk to Kayla alone."
"But mama . . . "
"Justin." Only the sound of her voice and a stern look are all it takes for Justin to turn around and take his narrow behind back to the yard.
I lead her into the kitchen and offer her a seat. "Would you like something to drink Ms. Harless?"
"A glass of water would be fine. And you can call me Lynn."
I pull a glass from the cabinet and a bottle of water from the refrigerator. I put both of them on the table and hope that she isn’t able to see how badly my hands are shaking. I sit down in the chair opposite her and we just sit there in silence for I don’t know how long before she speaks.
"You have a beautiful child, Kayla. He’s got your smile."
"Thank you."
"He looks so much like Justin did when he was that age." She stops talking for a minute. "I’m not a stupid woman. I know that Justin . . . gets around. I’ve turned a blind eye to a lot questionable behavior, but I didn’t think I’d raised him to be the kind of man that would do what he’s done. It would have been bad enough for him to hide his child from the public, but to not let me know that I had a grandson, that is just unforgivable."
I start to open my mouth, but she cuts me off. "If you’re even thinking about trying to defend him, please don’t."
I close my mouth because that is exactly what I was about to do. I sit back in my chair and let her talk.
"I spoiled Justin. Spoiled him rotten. I let him believe that the world revolved around him and he could do no wrong. I think every woman he’s ever dated has had to pay for that. He expects to be put on a pedestal and catered to all the time. If one woman won’t do it, he has no problem moving on to another."
Lynn opens the bottle of water and pours some in the glass, but she doesn’t take a sip. "Is he a good father?"
I don’t really know how to answer that question. "He loves Jonah."
"That’s not what I asked you."
"I think Justin wants to be a good father. I’m just not sure that he really knows how."
"And what about you?"
"What about me?"
"How does Justin treat you?"
That’s a discussion that I have no intention of having with his mother. "My relationship with Justin isn’t important. My only concern is Jonah. Whatever used to exist between me and Justin is gone."
Lynn studies my face and I find myself unable to look away from her eyes. "Are you sure about that honey?"
"Absolutely." I can tell by the look on her face that she doesn’t believe me, but she’s kind enough not to pursue the matter any further. "All I want is for Jonah to have a good relationship with his father. And with you. If you want."
"What makes you think that I wouldn’t want to be a part of that little boy’s life?"
"Jonah was born out of wedlock. Justin and I aren’t together anymore. I don’t know how you feel about me being black. I don’t know if this might all be too much for you to accept."
"None of those things matter to me. Not in the least. I’ll be the first to admit that this isn’t an ideal situation for anyone involved. But Jonah is my firstborn grandchild. I don’t want him to grow up without me."
I let out a breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding. "You don’t know what it means to me to hear you say that. I was so afraid that you wouldn’t want anything to do with me or Jonah. I thought you might dismiss me as some kind of gold digger or something."
"If you were a gold digger, you would have dragged Justin into court or gone screaming to the tabloids a long time ago. Quite frankly I wouldn’t have blamed you for doing either one."
"I’ve never been interested in having my name splashed across the front cover of Us Weekly. I wouldn’t do that to Jonah or Justin. I’m not that kind of person."
Lynn reaches out and covers my hand with her own. "I know that. Justin and I had a long talk before we came over here. He had nothing but good things to say about you. He told me that you’re a wonderful mother and a good woman."
I don’t have anything to say to that. I get up from the table and go to take a look out of the kitchen window. I have a clear view of the backyard from there. I can see Justin and Jonah lying down on the grass, staring up at the clouds in the sky. Lynn comes to stand next to me. She looks out the window and then she looks at me.
"You still love him, don’t you?"
"I told you that is over."
"I heard what you said with your mouth, but your eyes are saying something else." She puts her hand on my shoulder, urging me to turn and look at her.
"We just met and it’s certainly not my place to tell you what to do, but I would like to give you some advice. Things have always come too easily to Justin. Don’t just give in to him. He won’t appreciate you and he won’t respect you. If he wants you back, you make him earn it every step of the way."
Lynn gives me a motherly pat on the back, then she goes out to join Justin and Jonah in the yard. But I’m just standing there, letting her words run around in my head.
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Lynn spent the rest of the afternoon doting on Jonah. She stayed until it was time to put him to bed, then Justin took her back to the hotel where she’s staying.
I’m sitting in the living room when Justin comes back from dropping her off. He comes in and sits down next to me.
"Is your mother okay?"
"She’s not exactly thrilled with the situation. She cursed a blue streak at me and threatened to beat my behind. But she’s already crazy about Jonah, so I think she’ll be fine. She just needs time to let everything sink in."
"I can understand that."
"She told me that you invited her to dinner tomorrow night."
"Yeah. I thought it would be nice to have a family dinner. I don’t have any idea what I’m going to cook though."
Justin lets out a snort. "You’re gonna cook?"
I narrow my eyes at him. "Yes."
"What did my mother ever do to you?"
"I know how to cook, jackass."
"Since when? Remember that chicken you cooked for me? I’ve never seen anything burnt black on the outside, yet still have ice in the middle. That takes real talent."
"This coming from a man who nearly burned down his whole kitchen trying to cook an Eggo waffle."
"You’re gonna keep bringing that up until the day I die, aren’t you?"
"No doubt." Sitting here shoulder to shoulder with Justin, laughing with him, reminds me that everything between us wasn’t awful. A lot of it was, but not all of it.
"I want to thank you for bringing your mother here."
"Don’t thank me for doing something that I should have had the decency to do a long time ago. Jonah needs to know his family. His whole family."
He lets out a soft breath of air. "I’m sorry, Kayla. I know that it doesn’t mean anything to you to hear me say that, but I don’t know what else to say. I’ve treated you and Jonah like you were something to be ashamed of when the only shameful thing was the way I was behaving. Can you ever forgive me?"
I look at Justin and the silent tears sliding down his cheeks make my heart ache. I lift my hands to his face and wipe the wetness away with my fingertips. I realize what I’m doing and try to move away, but Justin catches my hand and holds it against his face. He brushes a kiss against my palm.
"I forgive you Justin." He opens his mouth to speak, but I put my finger against his lips to silence him. "I forgive you for Jonah’s sake."
"What about us?"
"There is no us. Not anymore. And to be honest, I don’t think there ever really was."
Before he can say anything else, I go into my bedroom and close the door. Despite what I told him, I know that I’m coming dangerously close to letting him in again. My heart and my brain are doing battle. My heart is holding on to the hope of the future, but my brain can only remember the past.
