January 2001
I had only really known him for three months and we hardly got to spend any time together, but Justin had me wrapped around his finger. I can’t even try to deny it. He would send me plane tickets and I would beg, lie and do whatever else was necessary so that I could get time off work to go to him. When we couldn’t be together in person he would call me. He didn’t call every night, but I hadn’t actually expected him to do that anyway. But he would call at least three times every week. It got to the point where I wouldn’t go anywhere if I thought he was going to call. Rachel would ask me to go out with her, but I wouldn’t budge until I talked to Justin.
We had our share of phone sex, but that wasn’t all he called me for. We had long conversations that sometimes went on all night. I can’t tell you how many times I woke up to a dial tone, with the phone still pressed against my ear. Sometimes, though, Justin would call me and then all of a sudden I would find myself on the phone with JC. I think those conversations are what helped solidify my relationship with JC. I never could have guessed that he was just using JC to keep me busy while he took calls on his other cell phone. That’s right. That sneaky son of a gun had two cell phones. He was young, but Justin was working me like an old pro. When his other phone rang, he would stick the phone that he had me on in JC’s hand. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Before I found out what a scandalous bastard he was, I thought Justin was the best boyfriend in the world. Handsome, talented, funny, generous and the ability to do things with his hips that made grown women cry. What more could any woman ask for?
I was with him almost every weekend in November and I’ll never forget that Christmas. He timed his gifts to arrive so that starting on the 14th of December I would get one present everyday, right up until Christmas. Just like that song about the twelve days of Christmas. There was clothes, jewelry, cd’s, books. Anything that I had ever randomly mentioned to him that I liked or wanted, he got it and he sent it to me. He was so good to me. I remember one of the gifts in particular, because it was the sweetest thing that anyone had ever given me.
He sent me a teddy bear. But not just any teddy bear. This was a one of a kind bear that Justin had custom made just for me. This bear was named Teddy Timberbear. Teddy Timberbear was three feet tall , solid white and he had blue gray marbles for eyes. He was wearing a baby blue sweater, a pair of blue jeans, Nike tennis shoes and he even had little diamond studs in his ears. Not cubic zirconias, real diamonds.
Rachel thought it was the dumbest thing she’d ever seen before, but I loved that thing. I slept with that bear every night. I look back on that and I wonder what the hell was wrong with me. A grown woman sleeping with some big ass, corny ass, earring wearing teddy bear. But I couldn’t help myself. That stupid bear reminded me of Justin right down to the playful little smirk that was sewn onto his face.
Teddy Timberbear wasn’t the only thing about my relationship with Justin that troubled Rachel. She’d been supportive of my seeing him when she thought it was just a casual fling, but she became concerned when she saw that I was getting serious about him. She thought it was all too much, too soon. She thought that everything he’d told me about his relationship with Britney was a bunch of bull. Basically Rachel believed that Justin was full of shit. She was right, but I wasn’t trying to hear it. I had a man that loved me and she didn’t so I just dismissed her concern as jealousy.
The evidence was building that Justin was up to no good but I wouldn’t let myself see what was right in front of my face. Even when Rachel showed me the pictures of Justin and Britney at the American Music Awards in those ridiculously tacky denim outfits, I still refused to process the truth. Rachel asked me if seeing those pictures upset me and I told her the only upsetting thing was that Justin had actually left the house in those clothes. Rachel just shook her head at me like I was an idiot.
Things started to unravel after the Super Bowl. Nsync was one of the acts at that years half- time show. They performed with Mary J. Blige, Aerosmith, Nelly and Ms. Britney Spears. I hate football, but I sat through that entire game so that I didn’t miss a second of Justin walking across that stage like he owned it. Even now I can still admit that he looked damn good that night. He’d gotten his hair cut, his body was in top form and that cocky smile was working overtime. He called me on the Monday night after the game to make sure that I had watched and to discuss our plans for his upcoming birthday.
The conversation started off well enough, but it went downhill quickly. I was about to have my first encounter with asshole Justin.
I was waiting for his call and I practically leaped on the phone as soon as it rang.
"Hey, did you watch?"
"Watch what?"
"Don’t play with me."
"Calm down. Of course I watched. You guys were great. You and Miss Britney actually looked kind of cute up there together. I’m starting to get jealous."
"Well you shouldn’t be. What would I want with that little girl when I’ve got a woman to call my own?" Justin always knew the perfect thing to say. He had a line to smooth his way through every situation.
"I saw pictures of you and her at some Super Bowl party. You looked awfully cozy."
"That was just for the cameras. How many times do I have to tell you that nothing is going on? Don’t you believe me?"
"I do. But how much longer are you going to have to do this?"
"Not much longer. We’re heading to New York in a couple of weeks to start recording. By the time the new album comes out things won’t be like they are now." Truer words have never been spoken.
"Okay. It’s just that Rachel says. . ."
Justin cut me off. "How many times do I have to tell you not to listen to that bitch?"
"Justin, don’t talk about her that way. She’s my best friend. She’s just trying to look out for me."
"She’s jealous and she’s butting herself into something that’s none of her business. I’m sick of you telling me what she thinks."
"I know that but. . ."
"But nothing. Either you trust me or you don’t. Haven’t I been good to you?"
"You have. I just. . ."
"Don’t I try to spend as much time with you as I possibly can? I’m so tired that I can barely stand up. I should be in bed right now, but what do I do? I call you. Just because I need to hear your voice. And here you are accusing me of things. How do you think that makes me feel?"
"I’m sorry Justin. I won’t bring it up again." Was that some slick shit or what? He was the one living foul, but he had me apologizing to him. Boy had game and then some.
"Never mind. Let’s just forget it. Did you get the ticket I sent?"
The guys had decided to remain in Tampa for the rest of the week. Joey’s birthday was on the 28th and Justin’s was on the 31st. They planned to have one big blowout that weekend and Justin had sent tickets so that I could join them.
"Yeah, I got the ticket, but I won’t be able to come."
"What?"
"I tried Justin. But I can’t take anymore time off work. People are tired of switching shifts with me and I’ve used all my sick days."
"So?"
"What do you mean, so? So, I can’t come. I want to see you. But I can’t afford to lose my job."
"You don’t need that shitty job. I can take care of you until you find something else."
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He had me strung out ,but I wasn’t totally crazy. "You expect me to lose my job, just so I can come and see you? You must be tripping." And then I made the mistake of laughing.
"What the fuck is so funny?"
"What are you expecting from me? Should I just quit my job and follow you around the world like some kind of love struck groupie? Would that make you happy?"
"What would make me happy would be to have a girl that was willing to make a few sacrifices to be with me."
"I have made sacrifices. You know that I want to see you, but it’s not going to be this weekend."
"What about my birthday?"
"I know it won’t be the same, but couldn’t we just celebrate your birthday next weekend? I talked to one of the girls at work and she can cover for me next week, just not this week."
"My birthday party is not next weekend."
"For god’s sake Justin. You’re not a child, you can celebrate your birthday anytime you want to."
Justin was quiet for a minute. His voice was so gentle when he did finally speak, I thought he had calmed down. "You know what baby?"
I let out a sigh of relief, because I thought he was no longer upset. "What?"
"Fuck it." Ah, Justin’s favorite phrase. I can’t tell you how many times I would hear those words over the next few years.
"What did you say?"
"You heard me, Kay. I said fuck it. If you don’t want to be with me on my birthday, that’s just fine. I don’t need you to have a good time. I’m gonna go out, get pissy drunk and I’m sure I can find someone that won’t mind spending the night with me."
"Justin, please don’t say that. I. . ." I never got to finish my sentence, because he slammed the phone down so hard, that the sound vibrated in my ear.
Now, anybody with half a brain would have been pissed off and cursing Justin’s name. Not me though. I called Justin’s cell several times. I tried calling his hotel room. I even tried calling JC. When I couldn’t get Justin on the phone, I decided to wait for him to call me back. He didn’t call back that night. Nor did he call the next day or the day after that.
By the time Friday came and I still hadn’t heard from him I started to panic. I couldn’t stand the thought of Justin being mad at me. So you know what I did, don’t you? When Rachel got home from work I was packing a bag.
"Kay, what the hell are you doing?"
"What does it look like? I’m going to see Justin."
"You have got to be kidding me. He has a temper tantrum and you just drop everything to go rushing off to his side? What’s wrong with you?"
"I have to see him."
"What about your job? You’re supposed to go to work tomorrow. You’re going to get yourself fired."
Everything she was saying to me was falling on deaf ears. I was too busy rushing around throwing stuff into my overnight bag. "I called work and I told them that my grandmother got sick and that I was the only person that could go and take care of her."
"Your grandmother is dead."
"They don’t know that."
"You’re making a mistake, Kay. Do you really want to give Justin the idea that he can snap his fingers and you’ll be right there?"
"You don’t understand. I’ll just pop in his party and then I’ll fly right back tomorrow. I have to do this."
"This is a bad idea and you know it."
I snapped my suitcase shut and snatched it off the bed. "I didn’t ask for your opinion and I don’t want it. As a matter of fact from now on, I’d appreciate it if you would keep your views on Justin to yourself."
"Suit yourself, Kayla. But I think you’re going to be sorry."
I left our apartment, slamming the door behind me. I paced around outside until the cab that I had called pulled up. I got to the airport just in time to make my flight. All I could think about was how surprised Justin would be when he saw me.
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Once I got to Tampa, I got a cab straight to the hotel. They had rented out the entire top floor of the hotel and there was a private access elevator. Anyone that wanted to get up there had to go through security. I hadn’t met all of their bodyguards and at first I didn’t see anyone that I recognized. I called up to Justin’s room, but there was no answer. I paced around for a while and then finally I saw Mike come around the corner.
"Hey, Mike. I’m so glad to see you. These other goons wouldn’t let me go upstairs."
Mike glanced at me with a sympathetic look, but then a mask fell down over his face. He may have felt sorry for me, but he still had a job to do.
"I’m sorry, but you can’t go up there."
"Quit playing."
"I’m sorry Ms. James, but you’re not on the list of people that have been authorized to go upstairs."
What I thought was that Justin was still pissed at me. He wasn’t expecting me to show up, but he wanted to make it difficult for me just in case I did.
"Fine. Can you at least tell me whether or not he’s up there?"
His cool demeanor lifted for a second. "Kayla, you know I can’t tell you that."
I went back to the lobby and tried calling Justin’s room again, but still there was no answer. I was at a loss as to what to do, until I looked up and saw JC and Lonnie coming in the door. I jumped up and ran over to him.
I threw my arms around his neck. "JC, I’m so glad to see you."
Talk about a whiter shade of pale. JC turned colors when he saw me. "Hey, um, Kayla." He briefly returned my hug and then eased my arms from around him.
"Does Justin know that you’re here?"
"No. He won’t answer his phone and Mike refuses to let me go upstairs."
JC was quiet for a second. He was scrambling, trying to think of something to say. "I don’t think Justin is in his room. I think he went out."
"Do you know where he went?"
"No. I’m not sure. Why don’t you wait here and I’ll try to find out."
"Can’t I just come upstairs with you? I want to freshen up a little bit before I see Justin."
JC was clearly at a loss for anything to dissuade me from going with him. "Um. . .okay."
"Thanks." I grabbed my bag and followed JC into the elevator. It was a long ride to the top floor and JC spent the entire time trying to convince me that Justin wasn’t up there. We stepped out of the elevator and JC put his hand at my back, trying to rush me along.
While JC fumbled around in his pockets for his keycard, a loud female voice with a decidedly southern twang, carried down the hallway.
"There you are JC. We were looking for you."
I turned around and found myself face to face with Britney Spears.
JC looked back and forth between me and her. "Hey Brit. I’m kind of busy right now."
He finally found his key card and tried to gently shove me into his room. But it was too late. The door that Britney had just come out of opened up again and Justin came out. He flinched when he saw me. Britney grabbed Justin by the hand and dragged him over to where JC and I were standing.
"JC, we wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with us."
I was standing there, frozen to the spot. Unable to tear my eyes away from the sight of Justin’s and Britney’s hands clasped tightly together. I’d seen pictures of them holding hands before, but that was all supposed to be for the cameras.
Britney suddenly seemed to realize that I was standing there. "Oh god. You must think I’m so rude. Just running my mouth without even introducing myself. I’m Britney."
She let go of Justin and extended her hand to me. She had the kindest, most unassuming smile on her face. I remember thinking that she seemed like such a sweet girl. I lifted my hand and shook hers, but I was too stunned to actually speak, so JC spoke for me.
"This is Kayla."
"That is such a pretty name."
I finally found my voice. "Thank you."
"Are you gonna come to the party tonight? It’s gonna be a lotta fun."
"No." JC cut his eyes at me. "I think we want to be alone."
"Oh." Then Britney’s eyes widened like she had just figured something out. "JC, you sly dog." Britney lightly slapped Justin across the stomach to get his attention. "Justin did you know about this?"
Justin only grunted at her in reply.
Apparently Ms. Spears had come to the conclusion that I was creeping around with JC behind Bobbie’s back. Close honey, but no cigar.
"Well y’all don’t have to worry about me saying anything. I know how to keep a secret. I can’t stand Bobbie anyways."
Britney kept prattling on, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she was the only person talking. "Anyway, we were just gonna grab a quick bite before the party gets started. Y’all are welcome to join us. If you don’t mind being seen with us. I know we look like a couple of drowned rats, but we just got out of the shower."
Her words caused me to take a closer look at her and Justin. They both had wet hair. I couldn’t shake the image of them being in the shower together from my mind. I felt like I’d been hit in the stomach.
JC gently took my hand in his. "Thanks for the offer, but Kayla’s kind of tired. I think she needs to rest."
"Alright. If you change your mind we’re just gonna be at the restaurant downstairs. It was nice meeting you Kayla."
I finally found my voice. "It was nice meeting you too." I glanced at Justin. Apparently, his initial shock at seeing me had passed. He met my gaze head on. There were a thousand different emotions swirling around in his eyes, but I couldn't tel if regret was one of them.
Britney grabbed his hand again and they walked toward the elevator. She wrapped her arms around his back and rested her head against his chest. Then the elevator came and they disappeared from my sight.
I walked into JC’s room like a zombie. He led me into the bedroom and sat me down on the bed. He was talking to me, but I just sat there staring straight ahead.
"Can I get you something? Do you want a drink or, um, I don’t know. Do you need anything?" He approached me and tried to put his hand on my shoulder.
"Don’t. Don’t you dare touch me."
"Kayla, I. . .I don’t know what to say."
"How long?"
JC furrowed his brow as though my question had confused him. "How long what?"
"How long has he been seeing her. Has he been dating her, really dating her, the whole time that he was seeing me?"
"I really don’t want to get in the middle of this. You should talk to Justin."
"You’re already in the middle of this. Clearly you knew that she was here. You knew that they were together. Now I want you to answer me."
"He was dating Britney before he ever met you."
"He already told me that he had dated her for a little while."
"You don’t understand what I’m saying. He was dating her when he met you. They never broke up. Justin has been dating Britney since last year. But they fight a lot. She makes him mad, he makes her mad, then they have like a little mini break up. Then Justin goes off and hooks up with someone else. He wines her and dines her for a couple weeks, sleeps with her a few times and then he and Britney get back together like it never happened."
"So I was just supposed to be one of his little flings?"
"That’s what me and him were arguing about at the Halloween party. I knew what he was planning to do and I didn’t think it was right."
"If you were so concerned, then why didn’t you say something yourself?"
"I couldn’t do that."
"Of course not. Bros before hos, right?"
"No. I liked you from the moment that I met you and I felt bad about what was going on, but I’ve known Justin since he was twelve years old. My loyalty lies with him. Even when he’s wrong."
"Was he with Britney on the night of the Halloween party."
"He thought she was going to be busy for the whole weekend, but she called him at the last minute to say that she was flying into town for a few hours."
"Did he sleep with her that night?" The thought that he might have rolled out of her bed and then slept with me a few hours later was making me nauseous.
"I don’t think so. But I honestly don’t know."
"How long did he plan to just string me along like this?"
"He was torn between you and Britney, but he told me that he was trying to make a decision. I know this may be hard for you to believe, but he really does care about you. He’s just confused."
"Confused? Are you kidding me? He’s not confused. He’s a lying bastard. I can’t believe that you think I’m going to sit here and listen to you defend him."
"I’m not trying to defend him. I’m just trying to explain." JC approached me hesitantly, but I made no protest when he sat down on the bed beside me. "I’m sorry. I really am. I was wrong to help him deceive you and I know that. Is there anything I can do to make you forgive me?"
"Tell me everything."
"I already told you everything."
"No you didn’t. I want to know every lie, every scheme, every trick. Start at the beginning and don’t leave anything out. You owe me that."
Guilt must have loosened JC’s tongue, because he spilled his guts. He told me about Justin’s cell phones. He told me that the clothes that Justin had me wearing probably belonged to Britney. He told me about all the times that Britney and I just missed seeing each other. By the time he was finished talking, I was sick. I don’t mean metaphorically. I was physically ill. JC held my hair back while I threw up and then he wiped my face with a damp washcloth.
He led me back to the bed and crouched down in front of me. "Do you have anyplace to stay tonight?"
"No. I had just planned to stay in Justin’s room. Guess I won’t be doing that now."
"Why don’t you just stay in here? I can sleep in Joey’s room. He’s probably going to be out all night anyway."
"I can’t ask you to give up your room."
"It’s the least I can do." JC grabbed his duffle bag from the floor. "I’ll come back in the morning and make sure you get to the airport on time." He started to leave, but he turned back to me one last time. "I really am sorry for the way things turned out. For what it’s worth, I was hoping that he’d choose you."
JC left the room and softly closed the door behind him. I laid there staring at the ceiling for about an hour, but eventually the mental and physical exhaustion I was feeling caught up with me and I fell asleep.
******************************************************************************
My sleep was far from peaceful. I’d been tossing and turning all night, so I was already half awake when I heard someone coming into the room. I sat up and squinted in the dark. "JC?"
I felt the bed dip as someone sat down. "No, it’s me."
I felt around until I found the lamp. The room filled with light and there was Justin. Sitting there staring at me. Before I could stop myself, I slapped him. The sound of my palm striking his cheek reverberated throughout the room. Hitting him felt so damn good that I wanted to do it again. I lifted my hand, but this time Justin caught my wrist.
His voice was steady and even when he spoke. "The first one was free because I know I’m in the wrong. Do not hit me again."
He slowly released me and I let my arm fall down by my side. I didn’t think he’d do anything to me if I hit him again, but I wasn’t going to take any chances. I sat there admiring the nice red hand print I’d left on his jaw.
"You have every right to be upset with me. But I think it’s only fair that you hear me out." I didn’t say anything, so he kept on talking. "I was going to tell you about Britney."
"That’s easy to say now that you’ve already been caught."
"I know it sounds like a bunch of bull, but it’s true. I was going to tell you. I just need for you to try and understand the position that I was in. I love Britney, I really do. But then I met you. I hadn’t planned to keep on seeing you, but I couldn’t help myself. I like you. I like talking to you. I like being around you. I didn’t want to break up with Brit, but I didn’t want to lose you either. I just wanted some time to think. Time to make up my mind about who I really wanted to be with."
"And I suppose that you were having sex with both of us as research to help you reach a decision?"
"It wasn’t like that, Kayla. Britney and I just started having sex a couple of weeks ago."
"Well, that just makes everything okay."
"I’m sorry for the way that you found out, but I’m glad to have it out in the open. I don’t like lying and sneaking around."
"But you’re so good at lying and sneaking around."
"I know that you’re hurt. . ."
"I’m not hurt. I’m pissed off." I was more upset with myself than I was with him. He had played me like an old fiddle and I had been too stupid to see what was right in front of my face.
"Just tell me why Justin? Why did you pursue me the way that you did? If all you were after was sex, why did you keep calling me and acting like you wanted to be with me?"
"It wasn’t just about sex. I really thought that I wanted to be with you. If Britney wasn’t in the picture, I would be with you. But she is. We fight and make each other miserable sometimes, but I love her. I’ve had a crush on her since we were kids."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"I need for you to understand why I did what I did. I don’t want you to feel like I was just using you."
"You’re just trying to soothe your guilty conscience by feeding me a bunch of shit."
"That’s not true."
"I think it is. And do you know what else I think? I think you were just using me for sex because your little virgin pop princess wasn’t giving you any. But now that she’s decided to give it up, you don’t need me for anything, so you don’t care that I know."
He just looked at me and it’s not even like he could deny what I’d just said. "Kay. . ."
"You know what? I don’t want to hear another word from you. You’re a deceitful dog and I’m an idiot. Why don’t we just leave it at that?"
"I’m sorry."
"Can you just get the fuck out of here?"
Justin stood up from the bed. "I know that you’re mad at me right now, but I hope that you and I can still be friends."
The oldest, lamest breakup line in the book and he actually said it. I didn’t think he’d say it. He must have been out of his ever loving mind to say it. But he said it.
"I don’t have a lot of real friends. There’s not a lot of people in my life that speak to me honestly and tell me what they really think. That’s one of the things that I like most about you. I don’t want to lose that."
"You were never my friend, Justin. Friends don’t look each other in the eye and tell bold faced lies. Friends don’t make fools out of each other. From now on when you feel like having a late night chat, I suggest you call your girlfriend."
"I really am sorry."
I couldn’t stand to look at him for another second. "Why are you still in here?"
"I just need to say one more thing. I know that you’re upset with me, but I would hope that we could just keep what’s happened between us."
"Who do you think that I’m going to tell?"
He didn’t answer me, he just let his gaze fall to the floor. Slowly it occurred to me what he was trying to get at.
"Is that the real reason why you came in here? To make sure that I wouldn’t go and tell the National Enquirer about my wild nights with Justin Timberlake?"
That was the last straw. Without even looking I reached around and snatched the lamp from the bedside table. I threw it as hard as I could. Unfortunately, I didn’t hit Justin. He had ducked out of the door just in time.
I couldn’t get back to sleep after that. I didn’t even try. The next morning JC came back, just like he said he would. He apologized one more time and arranged a limo to take me to the airport.
When I got home I told Rachel everything and I apologized to her. She told me that I should just be glad that I had found out what Justin was all about. It was a good thing that I had gotten away from him before I got in too deep.
But I wasn’t really away from him and things were only going to get deeper.
