June 2006
Lynn spent the rest of May in Atlanta. She took Jonah to the zoo and the circus. They went to the Fernbank Museum to look at the dinosaur exhibitions. And of course she took him shopping. That little boy has more clothes, shoes and toys than any other child on the face of the planet. Jonah was stuck up under her the entire time that she was here and he took to calling her grandma like he’d known her all his life. Much like his father, Jonah wasn’t about to turn down the opportunity to have another woman in his life that was going to shower him with affection. She left town a few days ago after making me promise that both Jonah and I would come visit her in Tennessee.
It’s a Sunday afternoon and Jonah and Justin are at the park. I’m enjoying the momentary silence, stretched out in front of the tv, when I hear someone coming in my front door. At this moment it occurs to me that way too many people have the keys to this house.
“Kayla, Kayla, Kayla. What the hell are you thinking?” Rachel comes over and shoves my legs onto the floor so that she can sit down. “Why are you letting Justin stay here?”
I can’t help the surprise on my face. I’d done my best not to let Rachel find out that Justin was actually living here, just so I could avoid the conversation that we are obviously about to have. “How did you find that out?”
“JC called me. He said that he couldn’t talk any sense into you, but he hoped you’d listen to me when I told you what a horrible idea it is to have fuckface staying here.”
“Haven’t we matured from the name calling stage?”
“Please. Like he doesn’t curse me out at every available opportunity.”
She’s got a point there. I won’t even repeat some of the things that he’s called her.
“I think that you and JC both have the wrong idea about what’s going on with me and Justin. He is only staying here so that he can spend time with Jonah. Justin and I aren’t sleeping together anymore. We talked about it and came to the mutual decision that it would be better for us to be friends.”
Rachel rolls her eyes to the ceiling. “Do I need to remind you what happened the last time that you decided that you could be friends with Justin?”
“No, you do not have to remind me. But this is a completely different situation.”
“How is it any different?”
“Well for one thing that was four years ago. I’d like to think that I’ve smartened up some since then.”
“The fact that you’re letting him live here casts some serious doubt on how smart you are. What else do you have?”
“Justin and I both realize that we aren’t any good for each other.”
“Correction. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to Justin. He, on the other hand, is a complete nightmare for you.”
“None of that matters. Justin hasn’t made a move on me since he’s been here. He’s been completely respectful of the fact that I don’t want to have that kind of relationship with him anymore.”
Rachel gets up and starts pacing back and forth in front of me. “He is just biding his time. But sooner or later he’s going to come slinking around with no shirt on, then he’ll lick his lips and give you that look and you are going to fold like a cheap lawn chair.”
“Oh come on. Do you really think that I’m so weak that Justin can just flash a little skin at me and I’ll just fall flat on my back?”
“Yes. I do think you’re that weak. And so does Justin. He doesn’t believe that you’ve moved on from him. You haven’t given him any reason to believe that you’ve moved on.”
“What do you expect me to do?”
“You could try going out on a date.”
“I’ve been on dates.”
“When’s the last time that you went out?”
I’m thinking hard, but the truth is it’s been so long that I can’t really remember.
“Honey you haven’t been on a date in over two years. Justin’s little impromptu late night hit and runs don’t count.”
“I’ve been too busy trying to raise my son to meet anybody.”
“There are plenty of single mothers that somehow manage to meet guys. You know that if you want to go out Brian and I would be more than happy to look after Jonah.”
“I’ve been caught up with Justin for so long that I wouldn’t even know where to start trying to find someone to date.”
“I happen to know someone that wants to date you. Real nice guy. Wavy brown hair. Biggest blue eyes you’ve ever seen. Not quite six feet tall, hard body. Used to be in a boy band. Last name starts with a ‘C’. Is that description ringing any bells?”
“There is no way in the world that I am going to go on a date with JC.”
“Why not? You already practically sl-”
I cut her off before she can finish. “I wish I had never told you about that. It was a mistake and it’s never going to happen again. Besides Justin would have a fit if I went on a date with JC.”
“That’s reason enough to do it. And truthfully, Justin is going to have a fit no matter who you go out with.”
“I’m not going on a date with JC.” I stare Rachel down until she backs off.
“I figured you’d say that. That’s why we have plan b.”
“Rachel, what have you done?”
“Brian works with this guy that would be absolutely perfect for you.”
“I don’t do blind dates.”
“Beggars can’t be choosers, Kay. I’ve met the guy myself and I think that you would love him. His name is Eric. He’s thirty two. He’s smart, funny and totally gorgeous.”
“How gorgeous?”
“We’re talking Maxwell gorgeous. He’s got the hair, the dimples, everything.”
I love me some Maxwell, but still. “I don’t know if I’m ready for this, Rach.”
Rachel sucks in a thin stream of air through her teeth. “We already told him about you and showed him your picture. He said that you were cute.”
“You showed him my picture? Does he think that I’m completely desperate?”
Rachel tosses her hair over her shoulder and smiles at me. “Not completely.”
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but you can just tell this guy that I’m not interested. I’m not ready to go out on a date and I’m not going to force myself just so I can prove a point to Justin.”
“Fine. But let me know if you change your mind.”
I get up and give Rachel a hug. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
******************************************************************************
After Rachel left I drifted off to sleep. I’m woken up a few hours later by the sound of Jonah and Justin coming home. Jonah bounds over to the sofa and jumps into my lap.
“Did you have a good time?”
“Yeah. Daddy and me played basketball.” Justin scoops Jonah out of my lap and lifts him into the air.
“I think we might have a future NBA star on our hands.”
“Last week you said he was the next Tiger Woods.”
“He can do both. But first he probably needs to take a nap. I think he’s a little worn out.”
“I’m not sleepy, daddy.” Jonah says this while yawning.
Justin rubs his nose against Jonah’s. “I know you’re not sleepy, but it would make me really happy if you would just lie down for a few minutes anyway. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Good. Now give mommy a kiss.” Justin brings Jonah over to me and he gives me a big smack on the cheek.
Justin disappears down the hallway with Jonah in his arms. He comes back a few minutes later and falls into a chair. “He was asleep by the time his head hit the pillow.”
“I figured he would be.”
“God, it’s hot.” When I glance over at Justin, he’s plucking at the sweaty material of his tank top and fanning himself.
“Why are you telling me? If you’re hot, turn the air up.”
Justin gets up from the chair and fiddles around with the thermostat. Then he pulls his shirt over his head and drops it onto the back of the sofa.
Rachel doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Justin is standing just inches away from me in very little clothing and I could not care less. I am not tracking the progress of the single bead of sweat that’s sliding down the center of his chest. I am paying no attention to the thin sheen of perspiration glistening on his skin. And I have absolutely no interest in the fact that his baggy, low slung shorts look like they are only seconds away from falling right off his hips.
Nope. I don’t care about none of that. But still I think it’s best if I look the other way and get him out of this room as soon as possible.
“I know you did not just drop your funky shirt on my furniture.”
He screws up his face. “Why my stuff gotta be funky?”
“It’s the middle of the summer and you just got done running around on a basketball court. Now get that shirt off my sofa and go take a shower or something.”
“Are you trying to say that I stink?”
“You don’t need me to tell you that you’re less than fresh. You’ve got a nose.”
“So, it’s like that?”
“It’s just like that.”
I can tell by the look on his face what he’s about to do, but I’m too slow to get away. Justin launches himself at me and stretches out on top of my body.
“Justin, get off me.”
“Why should I?”
“Because you’re heavy and you’re musty.”
“Now see, I was gonna move. But now that you’ve insulted me and hurt my feelings, I’m gonna have to a lie here until I feel better.”
“If you don’t get your rank behind off me, you’re gonna be sorry.”
“What are you gonna do?”
I put my hands against his chest to push him away. But the feel of his soft skin and hard body sliding under my fingertips makes me forget what I’m supposed to be doing. Instead of pushing him away, I want to slide my arms around his back and pull him closer. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying desperately to clear my head.
“Please move.”
“I really don’t want to.” Justin grabs my hands in his and raises my arms above my head. He stares into my eyes and then his gaze drops to my mouth. I know that he’s about to kiss me and I don’t do anything to try and stop him. His lips brush against mine, lightly at first but the pressure increases with each passing second. He lets go of my hands and grips me around the waist.
He gently eases his tongue into my mouth and my first natural reaction is to caress his tongue with my own. Justin has never been a particularly patient man and his passion can go from zero to sixty in a matter of seconds. What starts off as just a little kissing quickly turns into something more. I can feel him using his knee to wedge my legs apart and his hands are busy at work trying to get my jeans open.
I bring my arms up and my hands grip the back of his head, pulling him deeper into our kiss. He starts to roughly pull my jeans down my hips and I can feel his growing erection pressing against my thigh. There’s a million thoughts racing through my brain, but one pushes itself to the front of my mind. I can hear Justin’s mother speaking to me. Her voice is so loud and clear that it’s almost like she’s in the room with us.
Her words give me the strength to push Justin away. “Get up. Now.”
Justin slides away, giving me room to get up from under him. “What’s wrong?”
I stand and pull my jeans back up. “I can’t believe that you’re asking me that. I thought that we had agreed that we would just be friends.”
“We did.”
“Then what the hell was that?”
“That was just a little kiss. There’s no law against friends kissing each other. Or touching each other.”
“When’s the last time you tried to stick your hand down Trace’s pants?”
Justin starts grinning at me, showing all his teeth. “He’s not really my type.”
“This is not funny, Justin. Is it impossible for you to have even a little respect for what I want?”
The smile drops off his face almost instantly. “You are completely overreacting.” Justin gets up and snatches his shirt off the sofa. “Just for future reference, if you don’t want me to touch you or kiss you, you should push me away. Not pull me closer.”
He stomps out of the room and a few seconds later I can hear the bathroom door slamming shut.
I go into my room and flop down on the bed. Rachel was right. I am weak. She knows it, JC knows it, even Justin’s mother knows it and she just met me. More importantly though is the fact that Justin knows it. If I don’t do something, it will only be a matter of time before he’s right back in my bed.
I roll over and pick up my phone from the bedside table. After a few rings, Rachel picks up. “Hey.”
“What’s up, Kay?”
“Do you think that Eric is free this Friday night?”
******************************************************************************
I’m staring into the freezer trying to decide if I really feel like cooking or if I just want to run to McDonald’s, when Justin comes into the kitchen.
“I’m sorry about earlier. I wasn’t trying to disrespect you. It’s just that it’s hard for me to be that close to you and not kiss you. But it was wrong and it won’t happen again. I promise.”
I let the freezer close and turn to face him. “Don’t even worry about it.”
“Are you sure? Cause you seemed really upset earlier.”
“I’m over it. This is new territory for us and there was bound to be at least one slip up. It’s not a big deal. Besides, I’m just as responsible for what happened as you are.”
“So we’re cool?”
“Absolutely.” I’m trying to think of a delicate way to broach the subject, but I might as well just come out with it. “Do you have any plans for this Friday night?”
“Nope.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I figured we could just rent a movie and hang out at home. Why?”
“I’m going out and I need for you to watch Jonah for me.”
Justin shakes his head and pulls a pack of Oreos from the cabinet. “Do you mean that Rachel’s husband lets her run in and out of the clubs?” He laughs and starts stuffing his mouth with cookies. “Don’t let her get you in trouble out there in the streets.”
“I’m not going out with Rachel.”
“Then who are you going out with?”
“I’m going out on a date.”
Justin abruptly stops chewing. “You’re going out on a date?”
“Yes.”
“With a man?”
“Yes. You haven’t turned me into a lesbian yet.”
He looks at me like I must be crazy. “Let me get this straight. You expect me to babysit while you go out with some other guy?”
“That about sums it up.”
“Kay, you must be out of your fu. . .” He stops right in the middle of his rant. He closes his eyes and I can hear him counting to ten under his breath. He opens his eyes again and a pleasant look comes over his face.
“I want to apologize for that. You caught me off guard and I spoke without thinking. I’m more than happy to look after Jonah and I hope that you have a good time.”
What the hell was that? “What’s wrong with you?”
“I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. You have every right to go anywhere that you want, with whomever you want to go with.”
“You’re really okay with me going out on a date?”
“It doesn’t matter if I’m okay with it or not. It’s none of my business.” Justin pulls his keys out of his pocket. “I’m gonna go to McDonald’s and pick us up some dinner. Be right back.” Then he gives me another smile and goes out the back door.
I don’t know what just happened, but I get the feeling that I should be very concerned.
******************************************************************************
I’m nervous about going out tonight, but I’m excited too. I spent the day at the salon, getting my hair and nails done. I’ve gotten used to slouching around the house with no make up and my hair in a ponytail. It feels good to have a reason to get all dressed up.
I’ve talked to Eric and told him all about Jonah. But I didn’t see any reason to bring up Justin. There would just be too much to explain. So Justin has agreed to stay out of the way until after we leave.
The doorbell rings and I open the door to find Eric standing there with a big smile on his face. Rachel was right. He does look a little bit like Maxwell. He opens his mouth to speak to me, but then something over my shoulder seems to get his attention. I look behind me just in time to see Justin come into the room with Jonah on his hip. Justin is dressed like he’s going to a Kevin Federline look a like contest. He’s wearing a white wife beater, some baggy assed khaki cargo pants and he’s got on a baseball cap that looks like somebody threw it at his head. Sideways.
“Who is that?” I’m so horrified by what I’m seeing that I almost forget that Eric is standing there for a minute. I don’t even know how to answer that question, but that’s okay because Justin answers for me.
“Don’t mind me. I’m just her baby’s daddy.”
I have never been so embarrassed in my life. I look at Eric and I can slowly see the light of recognition coming on in his eyes. “Isn’t that . . .”
“Don’t worry about who he is. Please excuse me for just a second.” I go over and push Justin and Jonah into the kitchen. Between my son and his father I couldn’t tell you which one currently has the bigger pout on his face.
“Who’s that man, mommy?”
“He’s a friend of mine, Jonah.”
Jonah’s cute little face scrunches up into a big ugly scowl. “I don’t like him.”
“That’s not fair, honey. You don’t know him.”
Then Justin has to add in his two cents. He puts his mouth right up to Jonah’s ear, like he’s telling him a secret, but he’s speaking loud enough for me to hear it too. “I don’t like him either.”
“I don’t recall asking for your opinion, Justin.”
“I’m just saying. Ol’ boy looks like a buster to me.”
“Yeah mommy. He’s a buster.” Jonah and Justin give each other dap and then start laughing in the same loud, immature way.
I would spank both of them, but I think Justin would like it. “Put him down.” Justin stoops down and lowers Jonah to the floor.
“Go to your room.” Instead of doing what I just told him to do, Jonah looks up at Justin. Like he needs his approval before he does what I say.
“Don’t look at him. Just go.”
“You heard your mama. Get to stepping.” Justin lightly taps Jonah on the behind and sends him on his way.
“What kind of ghetto bullshit was that, Justin?”
“What did I do?” He can barely stop himself from laughing.
“What was all that baby’s daddy mess?”
“He asked who I was and I told him.” Justin hops up on the kitchen counter. “Am I not your baby’s daddy?”
“I begged you to stay in the back with Jonah until after we were gone.”
“Did you really think I was gonna let you leave the house with some stranger without taking a look at him?”
“He is not a stranger.”
“Have I ever met him before?”
“No. But. . .”
“Then he’s a stranger to me.”
“I know what you’re trying to do and I won’t let you. This is the first real date that I’ve been on in a long time. Please don’t ruin it for me.”
“I’m not trying to ruin anything.”
“Yes you are. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to butt out of my life for three or four hours.”
“Three or four hours?” Justin looks at me as though I said I’d be gone for three or four days. “Where all the hell are y’all going?”
“We’re going to see a movie and then we’re going to dinner.”
“That sounds thrilling.” His sarcasm is obvious.
“I know that it must sound boring to you, but those are the kind of things that normal people do on dates.”
“You deserve something better than normal. Do you remember how much fun we used to have when we were in Virginia and I would take you to Pharrell’s house parties?”
“Yeah, I remember those parties. I have a particularly vivid memory of the party where you disappeared for twenty minutes and came back with your shirt on inside out and your pants unzipped. That was all kinds of fun.”
Justin slides off the counter and stands in front of me with a guilty look on his face. “I forgot about that. I’m. . .”
“I know. You’re sorry. You’re always sorry. Now can you please, please just let me have this one night.” I turn my back on Justin and go back into the living room.
I grab my purse and try to put on a happy face for Eric. I’m trying to pretend that he probably didn’t hear every word of the ridiculous argument I just had with Justin. Somehow, I don’t think there’s going to be a second date.
******************************************************************************
When I get home, Sanford & Son is blaring from the tv and Justin is stretched out in the easy chair, sleeping. I slam the door as hard as I can just to wake him up. He sits up and stretches.
“Hey. Did you have a good time?”
I glare at him as I cross the room to turn the tv off. “Does this look like the face of someone that had a good time?”
“Not really. Did he try something with you?”
“No, Justin.”
“Cause if he did, all you have to do is tell me and I’ll kick his ass.”
“He didn’t do anything to me.”
“Then what was the problem?”
“You were the problem. All he wanted to do was ask questions about why I’m shacking up with the dude from Nsync. Every time I thought he was done talking about it, he’d come right back to it. He even wanted to know if he could get your autograph for his niece.”
Justin actually has the nerve to laugh about that, but I silence his snickering with a look. “Why couldn’t you have just stayed out of sight like I asked you to?”
“I was just trying to look out for you. That’s what friends do for each other.”
“You weren’t trying to look out for me. You were trying to destroy my date. And you can congratulate yourself because you succeeded.”
“Alright, alright. I acted like a jackass. The thought of you going out with some other guy freaked me out and I didn’t know what to do. I was jealous.”
“I can’t believe that you would begrudge me one lousy date. Did you forget that you have a girlfriend? No wait, she’s your fiancé now. Isn’t she?”
Justin rolls his eyes at me like I’m saying something ridiculous. “Cameron doesn’t have anything to do with this. My relationship with her doesn’t have anything to do with you and me.”
“Do you even listen to yourself when you talk? Isn’t she in Los Angeles waiting for you to come home? As soon as you get tired of playing house with me and Jonah you’re gonna go traipsing right back to Cameron. Don’t bother to deny it, because you know it’s true.”
“It’s not gonna be like that, Kay. Not this time. I promise.”
“Your promises mean less than shit to me at this point.”
“I know. I know that you don’t trust me. I know that my word doesn’t mean anything to you. And I know that you’re tired of hearing me apologize. But I don’t know what else to say.”
“I’m tired and I’m in no mood for another long, drawn out discussion about how sorry you are and how you’ll do better. I don’t want to hear it.”
“Kay, please.” Justin gets up and grabs my arm, but I shrug him off. “I really would like for us to be friends.”
“We can’t be friends.”
“Why not? If we wipe the slate clean starting at this very moment, what reason is there that we can’t be friends?”
“Because. . .” And I stop right there. There’s about a million reasons why Justin and I can’t be friends. But the main reason, the most important reason, is something that I don’t even want to think about and I’m certainly not going to say it to him.
Justin extends his hand to me and gives me a warm, genuine smile. “Just give me one more chance. I swear I won’t let you down again.”
I let myself get drawn in by the hopeful look on his face. I shake his hand and force a smile onto my own face. “Okay, one more chance.”
Justin exhales and his smile widens. “Thank you.”
“Whatever. I’m going to bed.”
“Alright. I’m sorry about messing up your date. Maybe if you call Eric and explain things to him, you guys could get together and try again.”
“Maybe I’ll do that.” I head down the hallway to my bedroom and close the door behind me. I step over to my dresser and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I watch the phony smile slowly disappear from my face. I barely even recognize myself anymore. I can only see traces of the woman that I used to be.
I grab a Kleenex and start to wipe the make up from my face. I don’t have any intention of calling Eric for another date. I could talk until I turned colors and I’d never be able to explain my relationship with Justin. Besides, that date was doomed long before Justin put in his appearance. I’m not ready to date anyone else for the same reason that Justin and I can never truly be friends.
I change into my nightgown and crawl into bed. I hug my pillow tight against my chest, wishing that it could hug me back. As I drift off into yet another night of restless sleep, the words from an old song play on a continuous loop in my brain.
We can’t be friends, cause I’m still in love with you.
