July 2001
I didn’t really waste a lot of time crying over Justin. We had only dated for a little while and I wasn’t the type to obsess over anything. I spent about a week listening to Alanis Morrissette and then Rachel helped me dismember Teddy Timberbear, but after that I was pretty much over it. At least that’s what I told myself.
As Rachel always says, the best way to get over one guy, is to get under another one. I wasn’t going to take it that far, but I did start dating someone else. Garrett Stephens was a doctor at the clinic where I worked. He had been interested in me for a little while, and now that I wasn’t seeing Justin anymore I decided to give him a chance. He wasn’t exactly the most exciting man in the world, but he was kind and attractive. And most important, he was genuine. He called when he said he would and never did anything to make me feel like I couldn’t trust him. From time to time I would find myself comparing him to Justin and he would always come up short. But being with him made me feel comfortable and safe. Two things that I definitely needed at the time.
So I fell back into the regular routine of my life and put all thoughts of Justin out of my mind. I was doing a good job of not thinking about him until he started calling. Apparently he was actually serious when he said that he wanted to be friends with me.
Sometime around the middle of February he started calling. His calls would always come late at night. He would conjure up the most pathetic voice he could come up with and beg me to talk to him. Naturally, Rachel and I took turns cursing him out. We even made a game out of it. We would plan ahead, making up the most colorful, inventive insults that we could. After getting thoroughly clowned for about two weeks, Justin gave up.
Then in March, JC started calling. Rachel said that I should hang up on his behind too. And at first I did. But one night when he called I actually listened to what he had to say. He seemed genuinely sorry for his part in what had happened. I started to understand how he must have felt, being caught in the middle of Justin’s lies. Little by little he started to win me over.
It got so that I would look forward to his calls. I would tell him about what was going on in my life and he would tell me what was happening with the group and his latest fight with Bobbie. They were fun, friendly conversations and he was always careful to edit his stories so that Justin’s name never came up. Or at least that’s the way it was at first.
JC is a lot smoother than most people would give him credit for. He gradually started to work Justin’s name into our conversations. He would tell me small things, but if I said I didn’t want to hear it, he would immediately stop talking about him and move on to something else. But eventually he would always come back to him. Then he started telling me that Justin had asked about me, that he wanted to know if I was okay. Then he let me know how sorry Justin was for everything that had happened. Bit by bit most of our conversations started to be about Justin. Some funny thing he’d said or some silly thing he’d done.
One thing that I had to find out the hard way is that JC is Justin’s biggest enabler. Justin makes a mess and JC seems to have an almost pathological need to come behind him and try to clean it up. They’ll knock each other senseless and curse each other out, but they’ll still come to each other’s defense. So when Justin asked JC to try and smooth things out with me, that’s what he did.
One night in the middle of April, JC and I were on the phone. We talked about all the usual stuff, then he asked me to hold on for a second. I could hear him put the phone down and when it was picked up again, Justin was on the other end. I should have hung up, but the truth is I missed the sound of his voice. We only talked for about five minutes and then JC came back on the phone. They kept up those tag team phone calls for a couple of weeks, but by the time May rolled around, Justin started calling me without JC. And like an idiot, I talked to him.
Justin listened attentively and started to take on a kind of brotherly attitude toward me. He even gave me some dating advice. Most of which I completely ignored, but still it was nice. More than anything else, I really had missed talking to him. I was trying to have a mature attitude about the whole situation. Yes, Justin had lied to me. But I figured that everyone is entitled to a second chance. I felt like Justin was young and immature and he’d made a mistake. I decided to forgive him. I didn’t ever intend to have an intimate relationship with him again. But I told myself that we could be friends. Big mistake.
Justin and I were getting along so well that when he invited me to come to Tampa to catch a performance of the Pop Odyssey tour, I agreed to go. July 31st 2001. I will never forget that date for as long as I live.
Rachel told me that it was a horrible idea for me to get involved with Justin in any kind of way. She practically begged me not to go to that stupid concert, but of course I didn’t listen. Anyone that would like to slap me for my idiocy should form a line.
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I took great care in choosing an outfit for the show. I’d been spending a lot of time in the gym and I wanted to flaunt all of my hard work. And if Justin looked at me and thought about what he’d passed up, that was just a bonus. I was wearing a white, midriff bearing halter top and a pair of white capri pants that fit like a second skin. I got dressed and a limo took me to the stadium.
They put on an incredible show that night. Of course I had the best seat in the house and both Justin and JC made eye contact with me as they walked out onto the catwalks that extended into the audience. After the concert was over, I went ahead to the nightclub where they were having their after party, while Justin, JC and the rest of the band went back to the hotel to shower and change their clothes.
Justin had gotten me a room on the same floor in the hotel that had been reserved for the group, but they were already gone to the stadium by the time I had arrived that day, so I had only seen JC and Justin on the stage. I had tried to convince myself that seeing Justin again wasn’t going to be a big deal, but the closer it got to him actually showing up, the more nervous I became.
The club we were in had five VIP rooms and the biggest one had been reserved for Nsync. The room was filled with various groupies and hangers on, including Bobbie and Trace. Bobbie looked at me, shook her head and then immediately looked the other way. I hadn’t been formally introduced to Trace yet, so I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. I was standing around, starting to wonder if I should make a break for it, when the song Pop started playing. That was the DJ’s way of letting everyone know that the guys had arrived.
The first person that I saw was JC. His face lit up as soon as he laid eyes on me. We met each other in the middle of the floor and he lifted me up into a hug. “I’m so glad that you could make it.” He put me down and stood back, taking a good look at me. “You look great.”
“So do you.” I reached out and ruffled his hair. “I like your hair longer like this, but what the hell is that greasy stuff you’ve got in it?”
He laughed and ducked his head out of my reach. “Speaking of hair, I can see that you’re doing something different with yours.”
I had just gotten my hair cut. It was that little short flip hairstyle that everyone was wearing that summer. I self consciously raised my hand to rub the back of my neck. That was the shortest that I had ever worn my hair and I was still getting used to it. “Well, I thought it was time for something different.”
“It looks good.” He hugged me again. “I know I already said it, but I’m really glad that you came.”
Someone came up to us and cleared their throat. I looked over JC’s shoulder and there was Justin.
It is an unexplained, but well known phenomenon that somehow guys always get better looking after you’ve broken up with them. Don’t ask me how or why, but we all know that it’s true. It had only been six months since I’d last seen Justin in person, but he had gone through a lot of changes. Some were easy to see, others would reveal themselves over time.
First of all he’d cut off all his damn hair. I didn’t think much of his shaved head based on the pictures I’d seen, but seeing him in person made a world of difference. The haircut gave him a more mature, polished look. This was also right around the period of time when Justin seemed to be having a love affair with sleeveless t shirts. He’d just gotten the cross tattoo on his left shoulder and he meant to show it off as much as possible. All traces of baby fat had dropped off his face, putting his sculpted cheekbones on full display. He had left cute behind and glided seamlessly into sexy.
Justin approached me shyly. “Hey.”
I was nervous as hell, but tried to pretend like I wasn’t. “What’s up baldy?”
Justin rubbed his hand over his stubbly head and grinned at me. “How did I just know that you were going to say that?” We stood there staring at each other for a minute and then he reached for me. He put his arms around me and I tensed up immediately.
“I missed you, Kay.” He rubbed his hands up and down my back and I could feel my body relaxing under his touch.
JC gently pulled us apart. “That’s enough of that.” He said it like it was supposed to be a joke, but I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t.
I stepped back from Justin and noticed the tall, spiky haired guy standing by his side. The guy nudged Justin in the ribs and he got the hint to make introductions. “Kayla, this is Wade. I told you about him, didn’t I?”
“Yeah. Nice to meet you.” Instead of shaking the hand that I extended towards him, Wade lifted it to his face and kissed my knuckles.
“Nice to meet you too.” Wade held my eyes just a little bit longer than necessary. Justin looked back and forth between me and Wade. Then he looked at JC. JC and Justin shared a look that pretty much said, ‘Oh hell no’. I was starting to feel like one lonely bone in a circle of dogs. I excused myself to get a drink and to give the boys a chance to argue amongst themselves.
Even then I was smart enough to know that none of their alpha dog behavior had anything to do with me. Wade had just added another layer of jealousy and competitiveness to the already complicated relationship that existed between JC and Justin.
The DJ was on it that night and I swear every song she played was one of my favorites. Peaches and Cream by 112. All for You by Ms. Janet. And you just know that I showed out when Get Ur Freak On started playing. That was the song that summer. I took turns dancing with JC and Justin. And Wade threw himself into the mix a little bit too.
I’ll admit it, I got a kick out of the way that Justin’s jaw clenched up when he saw me dancing with JC. And I really thought he was going to have a heart attack when I danced with Wade. The DJ put on I’m a Slave 4 You and Wade and I were all over each other. What can I say? I was half drunk at the time and that song can bring out the freak in anybody. I don’t know if Justin was more offended by who I was dancing with or the song that we were dancing to, but after the display that we put on, he made it his business to make sure that Wade and I didn’t dance together again for the rest of the night. He was obvious in his jealousy and I thought it was hilarious. Of course Justin’s issues with Wade went way further than a few dances with me.
I split the rest of my time between JC and Justin. I also met Trace for the first time that night. I don’t know about love at first sight. But there is such a thing as hate at first sight and I experienced it the second that I laid eyes on Trace. I didn’t like him and the feeling was obviously mutual. But I could not have cared less about that. The music was bumping, the champagne was flowing and I was having the best time that I’d had in quite a while.
I was sitting down, giving my feet a rest when Justin made his move. He sat down beside me and bumped his shoulder against mine. “You having a good time, Kay?”
“Yeah. Thanks for inviting me down here.”
“Thanks for coming.”
“What?” The music was pretty loud and we were yelling just so that we could hear each other.
“I said, thanks for coming.”
I nodded my head in acknowledgment of what he’d said. We sat there for a few minutes, just listening to the song that was playing. Then Justin spoke again.
“Do you want to get out of here?”
“What?”
Justin put his mouth right against my ear so that I could hear what he was saying. “Do you want to go back to the hotel? I want to talk to you and I don’t feel like yelling.”
“Okay. I’m starting to get a headache anyway.”
Justin gave me an ear to ear grin. “Alright, let me round up some transportation and I’ll be right back.” I grabbed my purse and went to look for JC so that I could say goodbye. The look on his face when I told him that I was going back to the hotel with Justin was indescribable.
JC looked both ways and then pulled me off into a semi secluded corner. “I really don’t think that you should go back to your room with Justin.”
“Why not?”
“You’re drunk Kay. And Justin- Justin isn’t as drunk as he seems to be.”
I let out a derisive laugh. “Do you think he’s going to attack me or something?”
JC looked horrified. “God no. I don’t mean anything like that. It’s just that your judgement isn’t the best right now. I would hate for you to do something that you’re going to regret in the morning.”
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m not really that drunk. Justin said that he just wants to talk.”
“And you believe that?” JC was looking at me like a was a child. A really slow, incredibly naive child.
“Yes.”
“Okay. If all he wants to do is talk, then it shouldn’t be a problem if I come with you. Just to make sure that things don’t get out of hand.”
“What things?”
Before JC could answer me, Justin popped up out of nowhere and hugged me from behind. “What are y’all talking about?”
JC shook his head a little bit. He was subtly trying to tell me not to let Justin know what we’d been talking about. Of course I missed his cue.
“JC was just offering to be a chaperone for us. To make sure that we don’t get into any trouble back at the hotel.”
Justin tightened his grip on me. “We don’t need anyone to watch over us. You should stay here and enjoy yourself.”
“I wasn’t trying to say that you two needed supervision or anything. It’s just that I wanted to spend some more time with Kay.”
“I think you’ve spent enough time with her already.”
JC ignored the obvious edge to Justin’s voice. “I was thinking about leaving anyway. Give me a few minutes to find Bobbie and then we can all ride back to the hotel together.”
Justin let out a loud sigh. His irritation was apparent. “Kay and I are ready to leave right now. We don’t have time to wait for you to track down that cow you call a girlfriend.” He grabbed my hand and started pulling me toward the door, but he turned back to JC. “When you do find Bobbie, shake your checkbook in front of her face and maybe she’ll give you some tonight.”
I’m ashamed to say that I did laugh at that. Bobbie was such an obvious gold digger that the statement didn’t seem that far from the truth. Justin and I were both laughing and it was almost like we couldn’t stop.
JC shook his head at both of us. “You can kiss my ass.” I’m not sure if he was talking to me or Justin. Or maybe he was talking to both of us. But we thought that was funny too. We had the drunk folk giggles. Anyway, JC walked away without another word.
Justin and I stumbled outside and fell into the car that was waiting for us at the curb. We were falling all over each other in the back of the limo like two drunken fools. Or to be more precise, one drunken fool (me) and one semi buzzed, manipulative asshole (Justin). We were giggling and singing at the top of our lungs.
Our two person party continued through the lobby of the hotel and during the elevator ride up to our floor. When we got off the elevator, Justin gave me a piggy back ride to my room. Once we got inside he dumped me on my bed and then he laid down beside me. We were both flat on our backs, staring at the ceiling.
“What have you been up to Kay?”
“Not a whole lot actually.”
“Are you still dating Gary?” No matter how many times that I had told Justin that his name was Garrett, he still insisted on calling the man I was dating, Gary.
“Dr. Stephens and I are no longer seeing each other. We were just too different. He was too old for me and we didn’t have anything in common.”
“I told you that wasn’t going to work out. Doctors dating nurses is just too big of a cliche for it to actually turn into anything serious.”
“Nurses dating pop stars doesn’t exactly work out either.”
“Ouch. If you want I could hook you up with somebody. What did you think of my boy Trace? He’s not seeing anybody.”
I rolled my eyes. “I can see why.”
“Don’t be mean.”
“He and I didn’t exactly hit it off. But if you want to do me a solid you can give Wade my phone number.” I didn’t want Wade to have my number. I was just enjoying the look on Justin’s face when I said it.
All the laughter went out of Justin’s voice. “You don’t want that.”
“Why not? Does he have a girlfriend?”
“Let’s just say that he’s got his hands full.”
“Care to elaborate on that?”
“Not really.” Justin sat up and rubbed his hands across his face.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Then he licked his lips and shook his head. “No, I don’t think I am okay.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Was there ever anything that you really wanted? I mean it could have been a toy that you wanted when you were a kid or some expensive item of clothing that you just thought you would die if your parents didn’t get it for you. Or maybe it was some guy that you thought was the love of your life. And then you got that thing that you just couldn’t live without and it just turned out to be one huge disappointment.”
“I think everyone experiences that kind of thing. Anything that you spend too much time building up in your mind is bound to be a letdown when you get it. Nine times out of ten, reality is never going to compare to the fantasy that you’ve created. That’s just the way the world works.”
“Yeah. I guess so.”
“What’s going on with you, Justin?”
“I’ve just come to the realization that some of the things I thought I wanted aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.”
“Is this about Britney? Are you two having problems?”
“Kind of. Things with her just aren’t working out the way that I want them to. It’s not the way I thought it would be.”
“Well, you can’t expect a real relationship to live up to the expectations of a childhood crush. I think you need to let go of how you thought things were going to be and start trying to embrace the way that things are.”
Was that some good advice or what? I was taking the whole ‘friends’ thing seriously. I was sincere in wanting to help him.
“I guess you’re right. I’m sorry for bringing the mood down. I’m sure that my relationship with Britney is probably the last thing that you want to talk about.”
“Don’t worry about it.” We sat there staring straight ahead until the silence in the room started getting to me. I got up and walked over to the stereo. “Do you want to listen to some music?”
“Sure.”
“What’s a good radio station?”
“Put on 95.7.” Justin stretched out on the bed with his arms under his head while I tuned in the radio station. Now see, I should have known what the deal was right then and there. Late nights on 95.7 they have a program called The Quiet Storm. We have the same thing in Atlanta on V-103. They choose this particular time of night to play the old school slow jams. What my daddy used to call baby making music. Yeah, think on that one for a second. The trap had been laid and I was getting ready to step my dumb behind right into it.
I went back over to the bed and laid down beside Justin. He was quiet for a minute and then he rolled over to face me. “Whatever happened to Teddy Timberbear?”
“Rachel and I cut off his arms and legs and then we pinned his torso to the wall and threw darts at this head.”
“Damn. Don’t you think that was kind of harsh?”
“It was either him or you and you have a lot more removable parts.”
“Well in that case that damned bear got what he deserved.”
“I thought you’d see it that way.” We both cracked up at that.
“I’m glad you came, Kay. I’ve got to tell you, I was worried about you not showing up. I kept thinking that you were going to call and say you’d changed your mind.”
“I wanted to see you.” I thought about how that sounded. “And JC. I was glad to see him again.”
“He was happy to see you too. A little too happy in my opinion. I think he’s got a crush on you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m serious. Not that anybody could blame him for wanting to get with you. Half the guys in that club were checking you out.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes it is. You’re a beautiful woman, Kay. And the fact that you don’t seem to realize it, just makes you more beautiful.” If my skin was any lighter, I’m sure I would have been blazing red.
I had only been half listening to what was on the radio, but the next song that came on caught my attention. Weak by SWV. That right there is my jam. Or it used to be. That damned song just had to come on. If you’ve ever heard the song before, I’m pretty sure that you can probably tell where this story is going.
Justin stood up from the bed and reached out for me. “Dance with me.”
“I’ve done enough dancing tonight to last me a lifetime.”
“You hardly danced with me at all. Besides, didn’t you tell me that this was one of your favorite songs?”
I let Justin pull me up from the bed. “I’ll dance with you, but don’t be trying to grind on me.”
Justin just laughed at me and wrapped his arms around me. I clasped my hands together behind his back and rested my head against his shoulder. We were barely even moving. It was more like a full body hug than dancing.
“I can’t believe that you remembered me telling you about this song.”
“I remember everything that you ever said to me.”
“Is that a fact?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then what did I tell you about this song?”
“When you were in the tenth grade at South Side High School, they would always play this song at the end of every Friday night dance.”
“You actually remembered that.”
“It’s not like it’s been that long since we were together.”
“I know that. I just didn’t think that anything about me was all that memorable.”
“I remember everything about you.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “The way you smell, the way you feel, the way you taste.”
I pushed away from Justin and took a few steps backwards. “Whoa. I think we are coming dangerously close to having a conversation that we shouldn’t be having.”
“I know that. But sometimes I can’t stop myself from thinking about you. I know it’s wrong, but I just can’t stop.” Justin looked down, almost like he was ashamed of what he was about to say. “Sometimes I think that I made the wrong choice.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe I should have chosen you instead of Britney. Maybe I made a mistake.”
“Don’t do this to me Justin.”
“I’m not trying to do anything to you. I’m just telling you how I really feel. Sometimes I miss you so much that it hurts. Maybe things don’t feel right with Britney because you’re the person that I should be with.”
“I think you’re drunk and things with Britney aren’t going well and you’re just confused. What you need to do is go to your own room and sleep it off.”
“That’s probably what I should do. But it’s not what I want to do.” He started walking toward me and I kept going backwards until the back of my legs bumped against the foot of the bed. He put his hand to my face and stroked his thumb across my bottom lip. Believe me when I tell you that one little touch spiraled through my entire body.
“Don’t you ever miss me? Just a little bit.”
“It’s kind of hard to miss you when we’re on the phone together practically 24/7.”
“That’s not the same. Don’t you miss touching me? And kissing me? Don’t you miss the way that I made you feel?”
I’d been lying to myself for months. Pretending that I was over Justin. Pretending that I could be friends with him. Pretending that I could be alone with him and that nothing would happen. But I still tried to put up a fight. It wasn’t much of a fight. But I tried.
“I’m not going to do this with you. I think that we should probably say goodnight now.”
“Probably.” Let me just say one thing in case you haven’t figured it out already. Justin is one bold motherfucker. Always has been, always will be.
He did not say goodnight and he didn’t make a move toward the door. What he did do was reach his hands behind my back to untie my halter top. The thing was only held together by a couple of strings and it fluttered to the floor like a piece of tissue paper. I instinctively raised my hands to cover my exposed chest, but Justin loosely grabbed my wrists and pulled my arms away. He stared me up and down for a second and then he licked his lips.
“If you don’t want me, stop me.” To be fair, he did give me a few seconds to stage another half hearted protest. But when I didn’t say anything, he took another step forward. I fell backwards onto the bed and Justin fell right on top of me.
The sex we had that night wasn’t like any other time that we’d been together. Justin had gotten a lot more aggressive in the short time that we’d been apart and he tossed me around that bed like a ragdoll. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t hurt me or anything, but he wasn’t especially gentle either. He bent me into positions that I didn’t know my body was capable of making. At one point, my knees were touching my shoulders. Don’t ask.
He had also picked up the unfortunate habit of talking during sex. He tossed off all the usual lines. Stupid stuff like, ‘say my name’, ‘is it good baby?’ and the all time guy favorite, ‘whose is it?’ He used them all and I was dumb enough to actually give him the responses that he was looking for.
What I didn’t know was that Justin’s smiling face was hiding a crying heart. His relationship with Britney had seriously hit the skids. She was cheating on him and wasn’t even bothering to be particularly discrete about it. The public didn’t know anything about what was going on, but everybody in their circle of friends was well aware. The ironic part is that Justin had stopped cheating on her. After his fling with me, Justin was completely faithful to Britney. He really did love her and he was trying to straighten up and be a good boyfriend. But what comes around, goes around and it was Justin’s turn to play the fool.
Anyway, the point is that Justin had a lot of pent up aggression and he needed some way to release it. He needed an ego stroke. He needed to be with a woman that he knew was in love with him. Someone that only wanted him. Someone that loved him more than he loved her. Apparently I was just what he needed. But again, I’m getting ahead of myself. I wouldn’t find any of that out until later, when I got JC to spill his guts again.
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As soon as he was done with me, Justin jumped up and practically ran into the bathroom. I could hear the water running and I knew that he was taking a shower. It was almost like he couldn’t wait to wash me off of his body. When he came out, I sat up in bed watching him while he got dressed. He made his way around the room, somehow managing to keep his back turned to me the entire time.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going back to the club.”
I glanced at the clock on the night stand. “It’s almost three o’clock in the morning.”
He just shrugged his shoulders. “It’s still open. I just called Joey, he and Chris are still over there.”
“Well, give me a few minutes to get dressed and I can go with you.”
“No. Don’t do that. I just want to go back over there for an hour or so. I’ll come back.” He came towards the bed and kissed my forehead. “I promise.” But he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I suppose he felt guilty and ashamed of what he had done. Too bad he couldn’t have had those feelings before he worked me over like I was a five dollar hooker.
I tried to tell myself that he wasn’t abandoning me. That he hadn’t just slept with me and now he was making his get away like a thief fleeing the scene of a crime. I tried to deny it all, but I couldn’t. I knew exactly what was going on. A two year old would have known what was going on. Justin had gotten what he wanted out of me and he was preparing to dip. The only way I could have felt like more of a whore, would have been if he’d left some money on the dresser.
As soon as the door closed behind him, the first of many tears I would cry that night had already started slipping down my cheeks. For the first time in my life, I literally cried myself to sleep.
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I was awoken by the sound of someone knocking on the door. I didn’t even stop to pick up my clothes. I just gathered the sheet around my body and went to see who it was. I looked through the peephole and I could see JC standing in the hallway. I opened the door and stood back, giving him room to enter.
“Hey, Kayla. Sorry for waking you up. I came to see if you wanted to have breakfast with me before you left.”
I wasn’t in the mood for any small talk or bullshit. “Where’s Justin?”
JC looked at me like I should have known the answer to that question already. “He’s gone.”
“What?”
“He’s gone. Everybody’s gone except for me. I’m gonna fly to the next city on my own. I just wanted to see you again before I left.”
I was still trying to process what I was hearing. “He’s gone?”
“Yeah. He left at about six a.m. He didn’t say goodbye?” I made my way back over to the bed and collapsed onto it. JC sat beside me and when he saw that I was crying, he put his arm around my shoulders.
“Kay, what’s wrong?”
I was crying too hard to answer him, but it didn’t take long before he drew his own conclusions about what had happened. I guess the clothes strewn about the room, the stubble burn on my cheeks and the torn up bed that we were sitting on, told the story. He pulled my head against his chest and held me tightly.
“I’m sorry, Kayla.”
“He said that he’d made a mistake. He said that I was the one that he really wanted to be with and I was dumb enough to believe it.”
“I should have done something. I knew it was a bad idea for the two of you to come here alone.”
“You warned me, what else were you supposed to do? You told me not to do it and I did it anyway. I thought I was in control of the situation and I wasn’t. There’s nobody to blame for that except for me. I never should have come here at all.”
I cried so long and so hard that my head started to hurt and I felt nauseous. JC sat there with his arm around me the entire time. When my sobs quieted down some, I got up to take a shower. I stood in that bathroom staring at my reflection for the longest time. I lost a part of myself that day and I don’t think I ever got it back.
After I got through in the bathroom I went back out to JC. We spent a little more time together and then he rode to the airport with me.
I didn’t tell Rachel about what happened with Justin. I didn’t want to hear the well deserved ‘I told you so’ speech that I knew she was going to give me. As it would turn out, I wouldn’t have to tell her what happened. It became very obvious, very soon.
I made a promise to myself that no matter what he said or did, I wouldn’t ever have anything to do with Justin again. Regretfully that was a promise that I would have to break. I put it off for as long as I could, but I would be seeing Justin again about three months later. I had a little news for him.
I still have mixed feelings about what happened that night. It was a horrible, hurtful experience, but still I can’t bring myself to wish it had never happened.
My greatest joy was about to come to me. But it was wrapped up in my biggest mistake.
