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I found myself sitting on the deck, listening to the waves crash on the beach a few yards in front of me. It is now pitch black, it seems as if the sky had just opened up, throwing buckets of rain on top of me. I moved over to the table where I sat under the umbrella, trying to get away from the rain that had already drenched me. I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my head and held the warm cup of hot chocolate close to me. I need time to think, but that’s all I’ve had is time. My brain isn’t working anymore, there’s only so much I can think about, and I’ve done all that thinking the first two hours after we split. I want to be with him. I took a sip from the cup in front of me and rested my feet on the chair across the table. I really think we are going to get a divorce, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to deal with that. I can’t be away from my kids, even if it’s only a couple days a week. And I can’t deal with Justin being with other people. It’s like without him my life isn’t worth living. And it’s so sick that I feel that way. It’s not the 1950s anymore; I know physically I can survive without a man in my life. But mentally, I don’t know if I can survive without THAT man in my life. I need to just tell him everything I’m thinking. We’ve always been open, and able to discuss everything, but it’s like everything has changed. Neither one of us has really talked about this whole thing, and I mean really talk about it.
As if on cue Justin walked through the sliding glass doors behind me, “Hey” he said softly, sitting down next to me under the umbrella
I looked over at him, his hood was pulled over his face too, “Hey” I said looking out to the ocean, or into the darkness, “Where are the kids?”
“My mother’s watching them”
“Oh, I didn’t know she was here” I looked over at him and he nodded his head, looking out into the darkness. I hate this. I hate the way we’re hardly talking; it’s not supposed to be like this. We sat for a while, neither of us saying anything, or even looking at each other. He must have come for something, he’s probably thinking about how he’s going to tell me… something, either that he hates me or he loves me, I guess it’s fifty fifty. I took a deep breath after placing the cup of hot chocolate on the table, “Ok, this is stupid, we need to talk” I said as I looked over at him
He nodded his head and then moved his chair a little so he was facing me more, “I know. Look, Kim, I’m… um”
“No wait, let me go first please?” he nodded his head, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying to sort all my thoughts out, although everything was a blur… ok here we go, “I have so much I want to tell you and I can’t remember any of it” I said as I dropped my head into my hands
“It’s ok”
“It’s ridicules is what it is” I took a deep breath, “I want to hate you so bad sometimes, but I can’t. Sometimes I just want to hate you so much but I can’t” oh great here come the tears, “And it sucks because sometimes Justin you do things that I should hate you for, or at least dislike you a real lot, and I never do. And it’s sick” I paused, “And I know you hate me sometimes and that sucks because I don’t hate you” what am I even saying? I don’t even understand myself
“Kim, I don’t hate you. I never have and I sure as hell never will” he rested his hand on my lap
“I know, I’m just…” I put my hand on his, “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, I mean obviously, I honestly can’t find one good reason for us to divorce. Even though I know you have Leah, and she’s like everything you’ve ever dreamed of, but I can…”
“Wait, Kim, I don’t have Leah. It was a mistake, the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, and I think about that every day. I can’t hear her song on the radio or see her face in a magazine without wanting to shoot myself in the head” well that was kind of a relief, to actually hear it coming from his lips, “It makes me sick. I literally feel like I’m going to hurl when I hear anything about her”
I nodded my head and wiped my eyes before speaking again, “it’s just… like… what went wrong… it’s over, and it can be forgiven and forgotten. Because it’s not worth it… for me… without you it’s not even worth living” I said actually looking at him for the first time, “Sometimes, like when I’m sleeping, the few hours I actually sleep, I wake up and I’m crying, or I just scream out your name, like it’s all a nightmare or something, and all I want is for you to be there next to me.” I paused, the tears were now taking over, and I could hardly speak, “What right does she have to take you away from me? What gives her the damn right to take your heart away?”
“Oh shit Kim, it’s not like that” I looked over at him and saw a tear falling down his cheek, “my heart was not involved in that shit. Kimberly you’ve had my heart since the second I laid eyes on you, that was never a question”
“I can think of so many reasons for you to stay with me, I mean here’s two right off, and you know how much they love you. How can we tell them that you’ve changed your mind?”
“God Kim, are you even listening to me? I don’t know what else to say. I did not change my mind Kimberly. It was never like that, god” he said as he threw his head in his hands and took a deep breath, “I don’t know what else to say. It was the stupidest thing I’ve done in my life, at the time I wasn’t thinking. I hadn’t seen you in so long, I was lonely, and I’m not making excuses it’s just how it is. We were fighting, every time we were together or talked to each other it ended up with one of us screaming or hanging up the phone. It was me getting away from it or something, I don’t know. I still don’t know what the fuck I was doing I wish I did, I wish I thought about it before I ruined everyone’s lives”
“Yeah me too” I said as I wiped my eyes with the palm of my hands, “So why has it taken us so long to actually talk?”
“Because we’re both stubborn,” he said with a slight chuckle
I laughed a little and wiped my eyes again, “How are the kids? Jacob’s lip ok?”
“Yeah, they’re fine” we were both silent for a couple seconds, I hate the silence, “Ok I hate the silence” he said… ok apparently I’m not the only one
“I know me too, so now what?”
“I don’t know” he paused for a second and then moved his chair so he was facing me, “Alright well listen, I want you to take me back… and I promise that I’ll work less and spend more time at home and we’ll talk more” he paused again, “I’m not stupid, I’m realistic and I know that things are going to be hard, just like they always have been but we can make it through them just like we always have. We’ve never run away from things and I don’t know what happened to us to turn us both into Forrest Gump or something” he stopped and grabbed onto my hands, “But damnit Kimberly I love you so much. I don’t know how I’ve been able to live this past month without you. It’s been hell. You’re not the only one waking up in the middle of the night. Every damn night I wake up and wonder why I don’t hear you breathing next to me, half the time I fucking walk around the house looking for you” I felt myself smile, “I love you so much Kimberly. I’m so sorry, I can’t say it enough. We’re just being so stupid. I can’t even believe you think that I wouldn’t take you back. We’re in this whole ordeal because of me”
“Yeah but I thought you hated me” I stopped when I realized how stupid I was, “I just thought you were over it, you wanted to move on or something”
“Kim I could never hate you. I love you, I love everything about you. I love the way you are, I love the kids you’ve given me” he paused, “Damnit Kim will you just come home?”
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