The Aftermath

It's silent. The radio isn't even on. His hand slides against the wheel nervously. His thumb twitches on his thigh. I lean back and my eyes search the console of his car for his speedometer as we abruptly turn past a McDonald’s towards the back entrance of the mall. I fall a little over in the car and hold myself in place by gripping the seat belt across my chest as the car jerks and slides. I stare at his profile.

He ignores me. He ignores the world. He's on a mission. He's chewing on his lips, braking suddenly to turn left.

I don't exist in his mind right now.

I haven't for a while. He kissed me when we were done this morning, he held me for a moment on his bed. He pressed his hands on the back of my ass as we walked out of his apartment to his car. We got in it, he kissed me, really kissed me, lingering, his hand pulling on my waist, trying to pull me into his seat. Bucket seats prevented that and he pulled away and licked his lips as he cranked the engine. He was happy.

I was happy.

Then he saw the time light up above his radio.

And he flipped out.

"Shit! It's later than I thought." He paused for a moment and then banged his fists against his steering wheel making his Jeep's horn whine a pathetic beep. "Fuck! I'm...dammit Jess, I’m gonna be so late."

I almost laughed at him. It was a ridiculous thing to get mad about, in my opinion. And I had never seen him this wound up about something. I mean, I had seen him wound up, panting, hard, me on top of him, kissing him and us staring at each other...but...but this..this was different.

I gotta stop thinking like this or I'll attack him in his car and he'll never get to work and then he'll really hate me. I can’t help it. I want him all the time.

And he better not hate me, not after this morning.

"We don't have to go by my place. I guess I can wear this to work," I had said and he had nodded curtly at me.

"Good. That's...that'll help."

I knew I was reading into things when he said "good." But I crouched down in my seat anyway when he turned to back out of the driveway. I felt small. I don’t know why. I mean, I understand that he's stressed. I understand this is a big day for him. Hell, I don’t even know what kind of pressure he goes through being a manager of a store. I know our manager freaks out over every little thing, but she's a drama queen. Our store is pretty easy to run, me and Beverly do it fine by ourselves almost every day.

God I hate feeling like this. I should be happy, smiling, giddy. Instead I’m sighing, a headache is starting to form and I feel tired.

Why am I not happy? Is this some sign that this is going to be disastrous? That this is a mistake?

Please don’t let it be a mistake.

We swerve into the parking lot and it amazes me that someone as cool and normally collected as Justin can be freaking out over this. He wasn’t freaking out last night when we were fucking in his store. He was fine, he was sure of himself and what he wanted. He was confident in me, in what he wanted. This is a new side of him, I’ve never seen this. Last night his store looked great and now he's got 50 minutes before the mall even opens. He’s got time, I think. He should relax.

Hannah tells us to get to the store between 9 and 9:30. I’m usually pushing 9:35. Today I'll be way early while he’s panicking about being late.

I wish I were coming in late. I wish we were lying in bed together, making ourselves late, not giving a damn.

It was perfect, the entire night. Even this morning with the slight awkwardness of him not wanting to do anything, but really wanting to do everything. It was great, perfect—until he looked at his fucking car clock. I have an urge to break it somehow.

It doesn’t help that every time I look over at him, he's sitting there with his jaw taut, eyes narrowed, jersey loose against his stomach and tight against his broad shoulders. I had sex with him in that jersey. So many times I fantasized about that and I got it. I finally got him, gripping me, impaling me, rubbing me and wanting me so bad I can taste it in his mouth as I kiss him.

So why is everything so awkward? Maybe I'm just over thinking everything. Maybe he's fine, just tired and trying to get to work on time. Maybe those corporate people were coming in early. Maybe I just don’t know him that well.

He pulls into a parking spot right near the service doors. He strips off his seat belt and I hurriedly move to scramble outside. It's a little chilly this morning and I don’t have a jacket. I really should have gone back home and changed.

He slams his door shut and locks his car. Then he glances at me only for a moment, not even focusing on me, before waving and saying, "Later Jess."

He starts jogging towards the doors.

I stare at him as he opens them, enters the hallway and then I watch as the door slowly creeps back shut with a metallic click.

Right…

You've got to be kidding me!

I stare at the door as if that didn't just happen, as if I'm waiting for him to realize halfway through his jog to his store that I’m still here. And then he'll turn around, sprint towards me, grab me in his arms, dip me back and kiss me like a freaking movie. But that doesn't happen.

And I should never, ever expect it to. The night is over, the morning is over. The fucking fairytale is over and I'm back to the beginning, back to every other stupid morning, going into a dreadful drudged day of retail hell with nothing to look forward to.

Now I don’t even have my candyman to look forward to. I don’t have 10:45 to look forward to. I've wanted him, I've got him, and now he's gone.

God, I'm being so fucking melodramatic. I must be getting my period. Yeah, that's a good excuse. Let me be forgiven for being a sappy-ass, pathetic little girl right now.

But dammit he didn’t come back. He didn’t even say "see you later".

He didn’t even smile.

I pry the heavy metal door open and force myself to walk down the hallway, letting my purse weigh my shoulders down. I walk to the other end or the hallway, open that door and enter the mall. Crappy soft rock is playing on the speakers and it’s louder than normal, or either the mall is just quieter than I’ve ever noticed it. Lights are on, the skylights let in tons of light even on an overcast day like today, but all the gates and doors are closed to the stores in the mall. I suddenly feel tired, worn out, worn down.

This is sick that some stupid boy is making me feel and act this way. Sick.

Maybe I should just go down there and…

No, no I won’t be that girl. But maybe if it’s still bothering me at lunch I’ll call the store and ask to speak to him.

Dammit, I don’t even have his fucking cell phone number. I stop mid-step and tell myself to calm down. This is stupid and ridiculous. He has a huge day, we’re not dating, it’s not like he owes me anything.

We just hooked up.

We had sex…twice.

That’s all. That’s it Jess!

And dammit it was…it was so fucking good.

He fit me perfectly, he stretched me just right. He got me going so fast. His hands and his mouth, oh damn his mouth on me down there, and his dick… And I shouldn’t be thinking about it. It’s over now. I’ve had him, the anticipation, the flirting, all that shit is over with. I should be happy I got what I wanted. I got laid.

Ugh, I hate being weird like this!!! I hate letting my mind over-work. I wish I could just be confident. I used to be. Why does this matter so much?

I sigh and shuffle down a few feet to the door of our store. The gate is all but three feet closed and the lights are on inside. I bend down to lift the gate. It rattles as I move it and I limbo under it a bit and then pull it back down as far as it’ll stay.

“Hey…”

I don’t make eye contact with Beverly. “Hi.”

“What…” I look up at her and she’s looking me up and down. “Are…” Her mouth snaps shut like a fish and then she speaks, “Hannah’s here.”

“And?” I really shouldn’t take this out on her.

“And I don’t care, but she’s gonna flip her shit when she sees you in jeans.”

I slap my purse down on the counter in front of where Bev is counting out money for the register. I dig in my purse to the bottom of it trying to find some ibuprofen or something. I slept hard last night. I shouldn’t be getting a headache this early. I shouldn’t let all this get to me as much as it is.

And what’s sad about it all is the fact that I am letting it get to me: that’s what gets to me even more! It increases the freak-out factor. Makes my nerves a wreck. I need therapy.

He didn’t even do anything. It wasn’t like he didn’t spend all night with me, or that he wasn’t happy this morning, or that he pushed me away when I got on top of him or that he told me he didn’t like me. He didn’t do anything.

Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’ve spent too long building him up in my mind, turning him into Prince Charming, when he’s just Justin, who’s got a job and is anxious today about what’s going on in his store.

And since he didn’t sweep me off my feet this morning, dip me back in a passionate romance novel kiss-- since for the first time since I’ve know him I wasn’t turned on beyond belief….I get upset.

I shouldn’t expect all this out of him.

But dammit, I deserve it. Right? I told myself after the last guy I dated that I wasn’t lowering my standards, that I deserved the best. I thought Justin was it. He is it.

But I shouldn’t expect him to be perfect.

“Well I didn’t have time to go back and get changed this morning,” I say with attitude towards Beverly.

“This morning...” Bev raises her eyebrow at me. I just roll my eyes and start walking towards the back so I can get my apron and see if we have any aspirin or anything in our bathroom.

“Jess?” I don’t have time for this today. I should have called in sick. Yeah that would have been good, at home, freaking out all day. “Jess!”

“What?” I turn.

She blinks at me and shakes her head. “What happened?”

I play dumb. “What happened with what?”

“Why are you upset? Are you ok?”

“I’m fucking fine!”

Whoa, I scared myself on that one. Dammit, I hate it when I get like this. Get all…crazy emotional spastic. And I only get this way when I’m completely lost as to why I’m upset. I mean, it really wasn’t a big deal, I know it’s not a big deal. I know that I shouldn’t expect much out of him after we just spent the night having sex. I mean we haven’t gone on a date. We just flirt, we made out once…we then had sex…

I like him. And he says he likes me. But we’re not in love. That’s not part of this.

Shit…

And maybe…maybe that’s the reason I’m freaking out. Maybe I want to be in love.
With him.

And I can’t lie to myself about that. I can’t deny that all last night, all this morning, every moment since I’ve known him has been questioning that one thing, if I could fall in love with him. And I can.

God, maybe I already have.

Beverly sighs and crosses her arms over her chest and gives me her best motherly look. She’s good at this, too. I can’t keep shit from her sometimes. “Look, if you wanna be down all day that’s fine, but don’t you think about bringing that attitude out on me when I don’t even know what the hell is going on.”

I look at the floor and say quietly, “I stayed at Justin’s last night.”

“Really!!” She squeals, loud, piercing. She’s beaming.

“Yes.”

“Oh my god...” She walks close to me and her eyes widen, “Did you…”

“Yes…we did, twice.”

“Then what’s wrong? Don’t even tell me it wasn’t good or something.”

“No, it was…” I smile. I actually allow myself to smile just for a moment. ‘Cause damn, best sex of my life doesn’t even begin to describe it. “It was perfect. It was…it really was amazing, not just that part, but just everything about last night, him.”

“So then…”

I growl in frustration over myself. “I don’t know Beverly! I’m just over thinking this. He was in such a huge rush this morning to get to work and we didn’t even have time to go back to my place so I could change clothes. He has some big meeting today with his owner and some big people at Foot Locket or something, and he was all freaked out about being late and he didn’t even like really say goodbye to me. He parked the car and ran inside and I was just left there looking stupid.”

She laughs and rolls her eyes and I wish I could look as happy as she is right now. What is wrong with me? I got laid. Twice. By the guy I've been lusting after for months. I need a sedative or a straight jacket. “He’s a guy, he’s dumb. You know he’s down there thinking how stupid he is, but he probably can’t do anything about it if he’s in a meeting.”

“But like I don’t even know where we stand. It’s like everything I’ve wanted has happened and now all that’s left is the aftermath.”

“It wasn’t an earthquake or something bad Jess.”

“But it completely shook up my life. Seriously Bev. I don’t know what I want anymore or what he wants or what’s left to do about all this. I don’t know if he’s coming up to see me today, or if that’s just it, it’s over with. I mean, thank god we left my car here last night or I’d have no way home tonight.”

“You’re going into panic mode." She leans against a rack of gift books we have. " I mean, I know you like him but you need to calm down. I hoped hooking up with him would make you chill out a little bit, but it’s just made you worse.”

“Dammit Bev he just left me out there in the parking lot without even…”

“Oh my god," she laughs and throws her hands up, “Calm down or I seriously am going to have to smack you.”

“I’m going to get my apron, I’ll be back.” I turn and walk back to the stock room door that’s closed. Right before I get to the door I hear, “Hannah’s back there.” I groan and look up at the ceiling before bursting through the door.

Hannah’s sitting at her desk, her wiry, mousy brown and gray hair pulled back into a bun that was probably pulled tight, but is now frazzled. There’s a girl who looks about 18 and all smiles and annoying sitting there in fucking navy slacks and a button down shirt like she’s at a business interview. “It says here you worked at….” Hannah looks up from the paper she’s looking down at and I see it’s an application, “Oh, hi Jess.”

“Hi Hannah…” I say. Great, new employee means she’s firing me. Finally. At this point, I wouldn’t mind it.

Her smug smile dissolves when she looks me up and down and she narrows her eyes, as if me standing here in my jeans is defying her power in front of a possible new little peon. “Why are you in jeans? You know that’s not dress code.”

“Look…” I sigh heavily. “I didn’t have time to go back to my place and change this morning so either I wear jeans or you let me go home and change.”

Her look doesn’t change for a while and she keeps narrowing her eyes at me as if she’s challenging me. Finally, she relaxes her face and folds her hands neatly over the notepad and application in her lap. The girl is just sitting there staring up at me with her mouth open. “Go home, change. I can’t have you being unprofessional. You can either stay an extra thirty minutes later or forfeit your lunch break.”

I smile tightly back at her silently, sarcastically thanking her for being so generous with her options. I walk out and pull the door closed, pulling it a little too hard so it slams a bit.

I walk back up front and look at Bev. “Who’s that…”

“She’s hiring someone new.” She shuts the register drawer and proceeds to get the register ready to run to start the day.

“Bev…”

She sighs and looks up at me. “Part time Jess, but ya know, maybe she should replace you. This place is driving you insane. He’s driving you insane. And that’s making me insane when I have to work with you!”

“Just shut up, ok!?” I yell at her. Yeah, I’m insane. Insane. Insane. Insane. I seriously feel just so out of whack right now. I snatch my purse and I need to get out of here. Maybe I won’t come back. Maybe I’ll just go home and not come back today.

She can hire that girl full time and I’ll just figure out somewhere else to work.

No…no…

I pull up on the gate and look back at Bev.

“I’m really sorry Bev. I promise when I come back, I’ll be in a better mood.” She just shakes her head and waves her hand at me like it’s no big deal. I’m glad I haven’t pissed her off too much. I seem to never be able to piss her off too much. I seem to always annoy her, though. But whenever I think about it, I’m always annoyed at myself, too. Sometimes I do things, act certain ways that are foreign to me, skittish and frazzled.

Great, I’m turning into Hannah. But maybe that’s just it. Hannah’s been in retail since she was 18, more than 20-- maybe even 30 years of it and she’s been working her ass off in malls and stores. And now she’s bat-shit crazy.

Maybe I’m just not the type of girl that can handle this shit. Maybe I want more out of life. I think about Bev and how she can stand it. I guess her boyfriend and her kid ground her. I guess she can look at it as just a job, not her life. They are her life.

And I have no life. The life I have is downstairs with some big wig corporate people. Maybe he’ll charm them enough so they’ll offer him a job and he’ll leave the mall, leave this town, leave me.

Then, I’ll either get over him and get my act together and figure out my life, or I’ll completely lose it and I mean really…lose it. I’ve put too much hope into that man.

I just need some fresh air. I need new clothes. And I’ll calm down. Maybe if I get a little breakfast or something, I’ll be good. That’s what I’ll do. Go home, change, get the smell of him and his fresh cologne off me…

Wait. No, that can stay.

Then maybe make a bowl of cereal. Not rush, take my time, but not lag. Then I’ll come back ready for my day. I’ll call Liz. I’ll see how she’s doing. She’d love to hear some good news and being with Justin, that’s…that’s good news for me.

I purposefully walk to the set of steps away from his store and go down them and out the bottom entrance where I parked last night. I hope my car is still there and not completely burglarized or anything. There are few people in the mall at this hour, employees and elderly walkers. They come here in the morning when the temperature is regulated, it’s dry, well lit and there’s security. Sometimes it’s cute seeing these old little ladies walking as fast as they can down the walkways and other times it’s depressing. Like when you see this one old man, who shuffles slowly with his walker up and down and up and down the mall. All by himself, chewing on his toothless gums, every fucking morning.

I walk out of the mall and into the brisk morning air that seems to tunnel here on the lowest level of the parking deck. I walk across the small road and into the parking lot to my dirty little car parked on the first row. At least it looks untouched. As if anyone would want a ’98 Nissan.

I get to my car, unlock the door and get in, pulling the door closed behind me. I sigh for a moment, letting it all out, letting myself regroup, before pulling my seatbelt over me and sticking my keys in the ignition. I turn my wrist.

And my car sounds like its puking. I try again, and the same thing happens, but it sounds like metal scraping.

When I try the third time, I feel tears press against the corners of my eyes and I relax my hand from the keys only to smack my steering wheel and yell, “Fucking shit!!!”

My horn beeps, just like his did earlier, whining and pathetic. And I realize how horrible of a day this is, how horrible I’ve made it for myself.

I could have called out to him. I could have said his name and smiled at him. I could have run up behind him and kissed his cheek and told him good luck. I didn’t have to just stand there. But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where we stood. I didn’t know what all this really meant for us. If there really was an us.

And now I’m sitting in my car, dressed “unprofessional” for work, with a confused mind and an aching heart.

And a car that won’t start.

Dammit, I can’t even get away from this place!