The Day from Hell

I burst through the double doors to the service hallway entrance and march right out until I can’t stand it, and then I sink down onto the curb and cover my face.  I fucking hate my life.  I hate it.  It’s like every fucking thing is just piling up on top of each other.

And now I’m probably fired.  No, I know I’m going to be fired.  Jobless and homeless within 24 hours.  I just, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I can’t go live with my parents.  I just can’t do that anymore! God, my fucking brother and my fucking boss are messing up my whole fucking life.

This has to be some sick joke.  Just has to be.  It’s like everything is completely doing a 180.

And I was having the best week.  I mean, the best week.  Justin…Justin and I were really getting along, moving along.  The flirts have turned into small touches and I just…dammit! Tonight was supposed to be my night, our night.  I was going to go to that party and I know I would get drunk and we’d probably make out, all hot and rubbing, and maybe if we could find a deserted room we’d really go for it.  I’d do it, too.  I want to do it.  But now I don’t even know if I can go.  I need to find a roommate and a new place to stay.

I sigh and rub the bottom of my apron over my face.  I saw Justin twice in the past two days and he was all cute and sweet. And god he was so fucking flirty.  After our lunch date, he walked me back to my store and I snuck him a Reese’s.  Bev gave me a curious glance and I just squealed and told her I needed to call my friend.

When I called Liz and told her who my Justin was I think she was more shocked than I was.  She kept going, “Wait. Your Justin is Rich’s sweet little cousin Justin?”  Then she kept telling me that I had to date him, that she wouldn’t let me talk myself out of this.  I spent the rest of the day on the phone with her at work. She told me little stories of when she went over to family functions with Rich and Justin was there. She told me he was always sweet and how much his family loves him and how good he is with all his small cousins, and I kept giggling and squealing into the phone.

And Liz said to me, “Seriously girl. Me and Rich were actually talking about it the other day.  He had called up to see when everything was starting and we both talked to him on the phone and when we hung up Rich and I talked about how we gotta find that guy a nice girl.  God I even said, if only Jess wasn’t so obsessed with that guy at the mall.”

We both squealed simultaneously and she said she’d be sure to look through photo albums to try to find pictures so I could come over and gush.

I told her she was taking it a little too far, but secretly was loving the idea.

Wednesday he was in a little bit of a rush, but I told him that I talked to Liz about him and he was like, “Oh god, I hope she didn’t tell you any embarrassing stories.”  I just grinned at him and he winked at me and had to leave.  It was just a couple minutes that I got to see him, but it was enough and I was giddy all day.  I’ve been giddy all this week, until today.

Yesterday I was in the back of the store restocking some stuff and he came right up to me and put his hands on my shoulders, rubbed them and whispered, “Hey good lookin’,” in my ear.  I almost died right then and there at the feel of his lips and breath that close to me. He talked animatedly about a few new employees they were hiring and then I asked him if he wanted to get lunch together.  He sighed, pouted and said he really couldn’t take a lunch that day because he had so much to do.  It kind of made me sad. And then he gave me a hug and whispered in my ear, “I’ll make it up to you at the party.” Then he poked me in my sides with his fingers and laughed, sticking his tongue out at me.  I told him I hated being poked and he just grinned at me knowingly.

I wouldn’t mind being poked by something else.  It’s really sad how much I want to feel it.  Like I keep thinking about being at the party and sitting or standing all close to him, close enough to feel him in his jeans or pants or whatever.  I really, really want to touch him there.

And I’m starting to feel thirsty without his kisses.  It’s all I think about.  When I’ve seen him the past few days all I’ve done is stare at his mouth.  I haven’t even gotten them yet, and I’m already addicted to them.

But…but this morning he didn’t come in. I didn’t get to see his mouth move into a small, casual smile, and I didn’t get to pass a smile back and flirt with him. I knew right then it would be a horrible day.  And it has been.  It’s been horrible enough to make the entire week and all the wonderful shit that’s been happening with me and Justin seem insignificant.  And then that bitch lady came in and I couldn’t stop thinking about what my brother told me the last night. Then my boss came in with a bad attitude and I snapped at her and she snapped at me and now I’m out here crying. 

It’s only fucking 12:30.

And it’s hot out here, sticky, humid hot, and I can feel myself getting sweaty.  I just don’t know what to do.  Maybe I should just go to my car and drive until I run out of gas (which probably won’t take long) and wind up somewhere and like, I don’t know, just stay there.  I want to hide from the world.  Sometimes I wish I was back in high school where I thought everything was so important but now, looking back, I realize it wasn’t important at all.  I’d go back and I’d have that knowledge and just have a fantastic time and not be stressed out about my whole fucking life like I am now.

And maybe I’d reapply for college and have a better chance of getting in.

I can’t believe this.

I put my hands on my face and lean down against my knees and let out a sob. I use to be one of these girls that cried a lot, and then one day I forced myself to suck it up.  I mean I still cry when something shitty happens, but I don’t wail and moan about it.  And now here I am being that pathetic girl again.  I haven’t cried this hard in so, so fucking long.  I can’t stop. I wipe my nose on my knees and the bottom of my apron and I try to breathe deeply and calm myself down.

It’s sad and pathetic, but there’s only one thing in the world I want right now and that’s him.  I mean, would it be completely out of line if I went down there and asked to speak to him?  Probably.  I can see one of the workers looking at me with my red face and snot smeared on my apron and being like, “Uh, yeah he’s busy.” I mean he likes me, but it’s not like we’re dating or that we have any obligations to each other.  He probably doesn’t want to know all about my pathetic drama.

I close my eyes and pray for a lightening bolt to come crashing down on me, but instead the sun just bares down on top of me.

Suddenly, the double doors that I came out of burst open. I gasp when I see the familiar black and white striped jersey and black pants that are hiding what I want to see most in the world. I’d almost give anything to be naked with him in bed right now, smiling and happy and at ease.  It would make me happy to be wrapped up in bed, touching him all over, memorizing every freckle and curve and muscle in his body. He’s smiling, a cell phone to his ear, and in his other hand he has his keys. He’s smiling as he talks, looking down as he approaches where I am on the curb.

I just stare at him.  I can’t believe he’s here.  He’s the one person I want to see most in the world. “Yeah, it’s tonight….Dude I fucking hope so…That’d be real, real nice if ya know what I’m saying…I don’t know, she’s a flir-” He stops his speech when his dark blue eyes lock onto me.  I bury my face back in my knees.  God I want him here to comfort me, but now he has to see me like this. I bet my mascara is running and that I have snot all on my face and that I look ugly and stupid.  I hug my knees, putting my forehead against the tops of them, curling up into a ball and hoping he’ll just step past me and keep walking, even though I know there’s no way in hell he’d do that.  I want him to ignore me because I don’t wanna bother him.  But at the same time I want him to pick me up and carry me off like a fucking prince charming or something. 

“Hey I’ll call ya back,” I hear him say. As much as I want to stay mad and upset at the world part of me melts and becomes giddy because he sits right down beside me and wraps both his arms around me, pulling me tightly into his chest.  “Shit, what in the hell happened?” He says full of concern.

“Everything.” I whine and I move my arms around him and it feels so good.  He’s warm and solid and his body feels so comforting.  And he smells so, so fucking good.  I don’t know what cologne it is, but it’s strong, not over-powering, not flowery or powdery, but deep and masculine. And even though it’s hot and sticky outside I don’t mind being this close to him. I don’t mind at all.  His hand rubs my back and I feel his cheek against the top of my head.

And…and dammit I start to cry even more. Not so much because I’m upset about what happened but because he feels so fucking good.  He’s exactly what I need right now and here he is, being perfect.  I feel good curled up against him, like this is where I’m supposed to be.  I was starting to doubt it, thinking maybe this week was too good to be true and that’s why all this shit happened to me today.  But now, now wrapped against him, everything is put back into place.

And I cry because I realize that this, this really is so much more than aggravating lust or a strong crush.  This is serious.

“Shh, shh it’s alright,” he says and then pulls back a little and wipes the back of his hand against my cheeks.  “What’s going on?”

He looks so fucking good, all worried and I almost wish I were drunk or something even worse had happened ‘cause then I wouldn’t have any restraint and I’d give into everything. I’d ask him to take me home and have sex with me and make me forget all the horrible shit in my life.  I have to wonder if he’d do it.  He’d probably be a gentleman and tell me that he wouldn’t want to be with me like that in those circumstances, that he’d want me to want him, just because I wanted him and nothing else.

But I do want him.  And I need him, too. 

His hand rubs in a circular, smooth motion against my back and I know I’m starting to sweat like crazy out here because it’s so fucking hot and it makes me a little self-conscious, wondering if he can feel it through my shirt. 

“My brother kicked me out last night,” I say, closing my eyes and enjoying the comfort he’s giving me.  “And, and, and this lady called me a trampy bitch this morning and my boss is probably going to fire me.”

He’s quiet, so I pull back and look into his face and eyes.  I find him smiling at me, not mean or malicious, but kind and caring and he nods at me. “Start with your brother.”

I pull my arms from him and sit there, picking at my nails as I talk and he starts to rub my shoulder, massaging it a little. “He wants to room with his friend Cal.  I’m his fucking sister and he told me that Cal wants to move in in two weeks.  Where the fuck am I gonna go Justin?  I don’t have enough time to find a roommate or a new place in that time.  And I definitely don’t have enough money to live by myself, and I won’t let myself go back and live with my parents.  I’m not gonna put myself or them through that again.  I just, I don’t understand why he just wants to kick me out?  I do all his shit for him.  I mean why not just get a three bedroom when his lease is up next month.  But no, no he wants to live with his buddy and is tired of his poor, pathetic, stupid sister cramping his style.”

He keeps massaging and now moves to my neck a little, able to massage it all real well and good with just one of his large hands.  God damn I want to ask him to do that, to take me home, put me on a bed and just work my back out good and slow with those hands of his….and then he can work the rest of my body out just the same, but maybe with other parts of him.  He could just slide down on his knees and hike up my hips.  I’d so let him do me from behind.  He could just pull up on my hips so I was resting on all fours and he could just put it in so slow and thrust so deep inside of me. “Look, I’m sure you can find someone to stay with until you get on your feet.  Hell, I’ve got a guest bed.”

“Stop that…” I roll my eyes and lean my shoulder into him, pushing him a little.  If I stayed with him there would be no way in hell I’d sleep in a guest bed.  Even if he told me I had to, I’d sneak out in the middle of the night and curl up into him.  I wonder what he sleeps in at night, if he wears boxers or nothing. I wonder what kind of bed he has, how big it is, what kind of sheets he has on it.  I wonder if his place is cluttered and messy, or pristinely clean. I wonder if it has artsy black and white photos up, or sports posters.  I wonder what kind of beer he keeps in his fridge even, god, even what kind of toothpaste he uses in the morning.  I want to see his place so bad and I want to be a part of it.  I…I want to be his girl.  And I want him, I want him so bad and I really hope tonight at this party I get to have him.  Not only would it make me sexually happy but it really would make my day so much better and it’d give me some hope that not everything in my life was shitty.

I can’t think of anything better than having him have sex with me and making me feel all good and mushy inside.

“What?”  He grins.

“Stop making me feel better.”

“Um, I kind of thought that’s what I’m supposed to do.”  He laughs and it’s loud and when he ruffles my hair a little, I push at him and he grabs my hands for a moment and then lets them go.  “Look, it sucks. It really does. I say just talk about it with your brother some more and if it doesn’t work out just know you’ve got friends and people that care about you and wanna help you out. Me included.” I find myself starting to smile a little and he raises his hand and holds up two fingers.  “Ok number two, this nasty lady.”

“Oh my god, Justin…”  I run my hands over my face and groan.  I don’t even want to retell it but I know it’ll feel better once I vent. “She always come in and usually is just a grumpy bitch.  She’s like 50 or something and really snotty and collects these shit glass figurines that are like 90 dollars.  So, ok we only had one of the kind she wanted left in the store, right? She already wanted a discount ‘cause it was a display and was pissed when I told her we don’t do display discounts in our store because a lot of our shit is in glass cases anyway.  And so I go to put it in the box and I don’t know how but it just fell out of my hands and broke on the floor into a gazillion pieces and I’ve had mad customers before and normally I just let them slide off my  back.  But the way this lady was acting, she just fucking got to me. And maybe it was because I’m all stressed out from my brother but I don’t know.  Like, I don’t even understand it.”  I sigh and shake my head.

“She just got so, so, so mad at me and called me an idiot, an actual idiot!  I told her that I was sorry and that we’d order her a new one, that we could even ship it to her house free of charge.  I tried to be my normal, sweet, really apologetic self but she was already livid.”  I pause and feel my face red.  I don’t really know why this is so embarrassing to me, but I guess it’s just the fact that I was called out on it.  “And, and when I bent down to try and pick up the pieces she started calling me a trashy girl with my underwear hanging out!  I’m not even wearing low risers but I guess my shirt rode up and she could see my underwear and….” 

I stop my rambling vent and stare at him because he’s started giggling at me and shaking his head, biting his lip to try to hold it in.  “Stop laughing!” I exclaim.  I can’t believe he’s gonna make fun of me because my underpants were showing.  Little prick.

Little sexy prick.

He leans in and wiggles his eyebrows.  “Why won’t you bend down with me more often then?  Maybe I’ll start dropping my Reese’s and make you bend down and get them for me.”

He leans back a little and tries to look at my ass. I immediately put my hand behind me and pull down my shirt.  I don’t know why.  I guess because I feel like I have to, but I swear I wouldn’t mind him staring at me back there.

I narrow my eyes at him, but I feel my body start to ache and know my face has flushed. I guess it’s because I realize that he wants to see my underwear, and while the past week has made it pretty obvious that he wants me, it still surprises me every time I think about it. 

Wait, didn’t he just say something about dropping a Reese’s.  Shit, he wants me to bend down in front of him?  I wonder if he’s a guy who likes hitting it from behind.  Oh shit I bet he does.  I bet he’d like to hold onto my hips and lightly smack my ass and say dirty things.  Hell, he probably likes it everyway, anyway.

It’s probably why we like each other, ‘cause I’m the same way.

“Perv.” I glare.

He sticks his tongue out and then says, “So this bitch pretty much was having a bad day and took it out on you and hurt your feelings.”

“She called me an idiot and a tramp and it…it hurt.”  I sigh.  “Just the way she said it was like, you stupid pathetic retail worker, the only reason you’re here is because you weren’t smart enough for a real job or college and I just, I lost it on her.  When the words “you stupid little tramp” came out of her mouth, I told her she could get the hell out of our store because we didn’t want her business anymore.”

He’s grinning and pats me on the back, “Good for you.”

I wish he were my manager.  I wish I worked for him.  There’d be nothing to break and I’d get to have him support me when a customer was rude to me. I can see that lady coming in to complain and saying some nasty shit to me and Justin would just step up, “Is there a problem?”  And he’d just put that lady in her place.  And he’d keep his hand on my lower back the whole time.  Then he’d ask me to leave and he’d talk to the lady privately and I’d wait for him in the stockroom.  And when he came back in he’d come right up to me, smirk and not say a damn thing but lean in his head and start to kiss me, backing me up against the wall, pushing his crotch into mine and cupping my breasts in his hands.

Maybe he’d even whisper some shit like, “Shame shame Jess, upsetting a customer and all.  I think you’re gonna have to be punished.”

And maybe, maybe if I worked for him, I’d get to help him in the stock room, ya know, shelving shit and cleaning boxes…all alone.  And we’d pass looks to each other and flirt and spend all day turning each other on and when 5 o’clock came around I bet we’d barely be able to make it to the car.

“So what happened with your manager?”  He asks.

“Well, of course as this bitch is walking out of the store our owner comes in and of fucking course, our owner knows this lady and the lady complains.  So the next thing I know, I’m being lectured and threatened.  Hannah told me this was my final warning, that if I did anything else, I’m gone and that she’s tired of my slack ass attitude.  I mean, oh my god!  I didn’t know I had a first warning.  I thought I was a good employee.  I’m never late for work, I do what I’m told, I never call out sick.”

He shakes his head and points back to the building with his thumb.  “You need to get out of there.  I’m serious girl, it’s suckin’ the life out of you.  I might be in retail, too. But at least I have some authority and I don’t really mind it.  Plus it’s a corporate store so I get benefits.  Despite your cute little self and the Reese’s cups, that place is still a shit hole.”   I laugh but he’s still looking at me with concern in his eyes.  “Seriously, you need a new job and I’m gonna be on the look out for you.”

I sigh.  He’s so sweet and I’d love, love, love to work under him. I bite my lip.  I’d love to do anything under him, but we all know that’d be a major conflict of interest. Still, it’d kind of be hot, ya know, fucking the boss.  I wonder how long we’d be able to keep it from everyone else.  Probably not long.  I bet we’re so obvious.  I bet everyone else in the world just looks at us and goes, “Yup they wanna fuck.”  I really wish we could, too.  I wish all this pre-dating shit was out of the way and that we could really get to it and just be together.  But I guess I have to go through this before it can happen.  I hope it’ll happen.

“Yeah, Beverly told me to go take my break so I came out here and started crying like a loser.”

“Jess…”  He says sincerely.  “You’re not a loser.”

“I’m out here crying like a baby about stupid shit.  I guess I’m just stressed out.”

“Don’t be stressed.  We’re going to that party tonight, gonna get all drunk and you can take advantage of me and let out all your aggression.”

“Shush…”He’s giving me a goofy grin and I try to push at him again. He grabs my hands this time and  he holds them and pulls them around his middle so I’m hugging him.  He looks down at me and I look up at him.

He looks like he might kiss me.  God, please, please kiss me.

I bite my lip and he licks his own.  I just stare up at him and I almost start to close my eyes.

But he doesn’t do it.

“How about this?  How about I take you out?”

I blink, still trying to calm myself down from us almost kissing. “What?”

“Right now.  I took a half day today because I had to stay late yesterday.  So I’m leaving and we can go grab a bite and I’ll drop you back here in an hour.”

“I’m not hungry.”  I don’t know why I say it.  But I guess it’s the truth, I’m too anxious for actual food.  Still, I should just go to be with him instead of saying shit like that.  My mind is just too cluttered right now. I need a hot shower or a bath.  And I still need that massage.  I lean my head against his shoulder and sigh.

“Not even for ice cream?”

I begin to smile and turn my head so that it’s still resting on his shoulder but so I can look up at him. Ice cream would be real nice.  “It is kind of hot out here.”

“You’re telling me.”  He pulls his arms from around me and picks at the material under his arms and fans them out.  “I’m in fucking black polyester.”

“You look cute.  I always like your little outfit…”  I lean down and pick up the silver device resting against his stomach and hold it up to him.  “And your whistle.”

I try not to let the fact that my hand was inches from his crotch affect me.

He whispers to me and winks, “Go ahead, you know you want to blow on it.” Before I can tell myself to stop, I’ve put the thing against my lips. I know he’s put it in his mouth before and I don’t care one bit. I blow hard on it.  It makes a clear ringing sound that echoes and we both start to laugh.  “Thatta girl!”

He pulls back and starts to stand up and he puts his hands out to pull me up.  “You’re good,” I say and he hoists me off the ground and drops his hands from mine.

“What?”

I turn and smile at him, starting to walk towards the parking deck.  I decide to say what I’m thinking, not worrying about saying too much with him anymore, knowing I can flirt as hard as I want and I won’t offend him. “You made me forget all my problems and now I’m just thinking about blowing things.”

He stops walking and I giggle when I look over my shoulder and see him there just biting his lip, staring at me. “Girl….”

“You started it.”  I smile and turn back to walk some more.  He’s about 5 feet behind me and I know he’s checking me out and it makes my insides feel wiggly.  “Where’s your car?”

“Hold up…”  I stop and he jogs up to me and I watch as he digs in his pocket and pulls out his keys.  I start to walk beside him and then I feel it. I feel his hand warm and a little sweaty, which I don’t mind because of the heat, mine’s a little moist as well, but it clasps with mine and then his fingers interlock with my own. He looks down at me and smiles, “I’ll walk you.”

It feels good and right when he does it, not awkward or embarrassing.  I find myself having to bite my lip as he walks me to his Jeep and opens the door for me.  It feels natural when I let go of his hand and sit in his passenger seat and I start to forget about all of my problems and all my woes for the day.

Maybe he’ll start driving and he won’t stop and we’ll both be able to get out of here and just be together.  Or maybe he’ll drive and end up at his house. He’ll take me inside and we’ll spend all afternoon together and then go to the party together and get drunk together.

‘Cause I tell you, I’m really starting to figure out that everything, every damn thing in my life seems better, when I’m together with him.