I had disengaged to avoid being totaled
I would run away and say good riddance, soon enough
I had grown disgusted by your small-minded ceiling
Imagine myself bolting had not been difficult
Soon be my life
Soon be my pace
Soon be my choice of which you'll have no part of
Everyone says that I’m too reserved… maybe they’re right. I tend to obsess about everything that happens in my life. It drives everyone around me crazy, along with myself. I do not wish that kind of stress on absolutely anyone.
But honestly, it’s like I can’t control myself, I have to be rational and think about every possibility before I do something. It’s draining, almost to the point where I feel like I just can’t do anything anymore. My best friend Bailey always tells me to just let go and just be. How is that even possible to do? How could someone just let go of their inhibitions and just be?
Bailey just wants me to pick up and leave. I want to so badly. I’m just so afraid, I don’t know what’s going to happen and I guess that’s what pulled me away from leaving for so long. I just want to know that everything is going to be okay… haha well that’s impossible of course.
“MADISON! Get your fucking ass to bed!” Paolo Monaco’s voice echoed the hallway, causing me to freeze in my steps. The man who I was cursed with as a father. I guess I hadn’t realized how long and how heavy I had been pacing my bedroom floor.
I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I try to hold things in a little more; I try to pretend everything is okay in hopes that maybe I’ll wake up one day and things will be different.
Ugh, I don’t live in a fantasy world… I’m just a dreamer. I know the difference between my harsh reality and what my heart wants. I know that things aren’t going to get better, I guess Bailey kind of helped me realize that. She’s giving me the strength to do what I never thought possible, to get out.
“DID YOU NOT HERE ME YOU LITTLE BITCH?” My room door slammed open, practically falling off the hinges in one violent motion.
SHIT! I wanted to scream, I wanted to run; more than anything I wanted to fight back. Stupidly I stood, tears flying down my face and staring like a deer in headlights at the man who abused me since early childhood.
“I’m sorry… I was just-“
A slap across the face knocked me down to the floor. My cheek stung but my resolve grew. Everything that Bailey had tried to get through to me felt like it finally sunk in after 7 years of friendship. I just needed to be strong.
“You never learn, do you Madison? That smart little mouth of yours constantly gets you into trouble; you need to get through your head that it needs to be closed.” He leaned down and sent a heavy punch to my jaw.
The room darkened for a minute before clarity set in. I stared my father through the pain and I wasn’t afraid. I let my fantasy become a reality. I let go.
One word came out of my mouth, but it had such a deep meaning; “NO!” No… what a powerful little word. It can’t halt the most dangerous of actions, it can give an order, and describe an emotion. This word just described me. I wasn’t going to take anyone’s shit anymore, not my father’s not anyone’s. My life was going to be put into my own hands for once.
“FUCK YOU PAOLO!” I climbed to my feet, wiping away the stray trickle of blood. The blood was the last of my weakness, the last image of my everlasting pain. “YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO TOUCH ME AGAIN!”
He stared at me shocked and amused. He didn’t believe me, but he would. Now was the time to show that my pain was not in vein. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, this was my time to give truth to that phrase.
That amusement soon turned to pure rage; my father lunged at me, giving me no other choice but to protect myself. How crazy is that? For the first time in my life, I was protecting myself against the animal that used me as his punching bag. It was freeing.
I wouldn’t let myself feel anymore pain from my father. Fighting back was the only way I could get out and probably my last chance at salvation. Things were getting worse at home and now would probably be the only chance I could fight back.
Choosing to fight seemed like a better choice than sitting back and waiting for him to most likely kill me. He would too, my father was capable of a lot of insanity when he was in a bitchy mood. I must of took after him at that moment because I reached over for the closest thing that could protect me, which ended up being table lamp.
How ironic that the lamp I used to protect me from the monsters when I was a kid, was actually doing the job? The lamp crashed over my father’s head, knocking him to the ground and releasing my spirit.
I didn’t even want to bother checking if he was out cold; I just didn’t care. It was time to be selfish; Bailey and I would be the only ones that mattered. In the beginning to the end that was what it always would be.
I ran to the door with my father’s car keys in hand, more specifically, the keys to his 06 Acura MDX. Fucking prick, he didn’t deserve that car. It was going to be mine now.
I raced outside to the garage and got in as quickly as I could. I had to escape, it was my destiny. No more fights, the vicious taunting, and everyday physical abuse are going to deter what I needed to do. I was a survivor. I said that to myself repeatedly as I backed up and sped out of the hellmouth that's kept me a prisoner for so long. It was frightening, but I had to think about myself and Bailey. Knowing we're in this together was the only way I could focus and drive to where I needed to go.
Bailey was staying at her aunt's house now I remembered. Her mother was out of town she had told me. Won't be much of scene if I came to her mom's place now. I figure since, her aunt isn't really there most of the time and I can just get Bailey and get the fuck outta here. I was going to do this. No more waiting and tapping my foot at the possibilities. If I wanted something done, I had to take most of the action and save myself. It's the only way to overcome anything.
Millions of thoughts were screaming through my mind as I tried to find my way to Bailey's. Was I going to pull it together without crying so hard? This was dangerous, driving this way, but I told myself I was going to just make it. If I can make it through the way, who knows? My life is up in the air, I never know what's going to come.
I wiped at my eyes, washing out the emotion as best I could. I was shaking now. My entire body was about to breakdown and I could feel the edges just poking at me. I tried to clear it, anything. The world and Bailey are too important to loose it now. I've been alive for this long.
Success! I made it. I parked on the side of the house. Now comes the getting together without freaking myself out part. Shit, how was I going to do this? Killing the engine was only a small part the problem. I'm afraid when I come inside, I'll just lose it.
I grabbed a tissue and hide all traces that I was just balling my eyes out. I checked the mirror, making sure my eyes weren't too red. For some reason, I didn't feel like talking about this. Not that I think she won't understand, just that I could only take so much and rehashing would bring in more pain.
I just wanted to get away. I was on my way as I opened the door, getting out, and closing it in front of me calmly. OK, I needed to pull it together now. I was, well, I'd like to think I was the strong one here. Bailey was stronger, she stood up for herself a lot. I envied that about her.
But today was different. I felt it. I knew as soon as I smashed that lamp, I had my chance. Not just to get away but my life was a new life. I grew a brain. I felt so strong I couldn't think about anything else.
I breathed easy at that thought. I appeared a lot more calmer than before.
I looked up at the house, "Here we go."
I continued on and walked toward the door. I hesitated for a moment before I knocked a good 3 knocks on the door. I hugged my arms all the while, will my body to stop shaking. But it was getting harder.
At that moment, she opened the door. I couldn't help myself as I pulled my best friend in for a hug. I feel if she doesn't see that face, I won't have the sudden urge to scream out loud.
She hugged me back, "What is it? What happened?"
Two very good questions. If I had the answers, I'd speak now with ease. I really didn't know how to answer that. Or where to start let alone. How do you start talking about what I just went through without going through the crazy mind.
"Can I sit down for a second?" I meant that, I haven't really had the chance to calm down fully yet.
She nodded her head, "Yeah, come here. Thank god Irina isn't here. Let's go to the living room?"
I accepted and we made our way toward the couch. I sat down as if I was scared of the couch. I was still a little terrified. I got away with something I should have done a long time ago.
Bailey was in the kitchen, getting us something to drink. She usually brings tea or something really hot whenever we sit down like this. Its a rarity for us but I'm glad she's still here. I can't imagine going through this life alone without her.
Bailey walked to me, setting the maroon mugs on the costers. "Go ahead, its kind of cold now but its still warm."
I reached for the mug, taking in the semi-warm liquid, "Thanks Bail."
I took one more sip before I sat the mug back down. I had to be mugless to say what I need to say.
“I’m ready to go.”
She stared at me stunned, I didn’t blame her. It was uncharacteristic of me to be so spontaneous. I’ve said it before, but I’m a planner; everything has to be precise and perfect for me to even consider making a move.
“Okay, am I dreaming? Madison, are you possessed? The power of Christ compels you!” Bailey half smiled; I guess seeing me so distraught was upsetting to her. She wanted to see me smile even slightly, to cheer me up. That was definitely impossible at the moment. “Wait that only works if I believe in God.”
Okay, so I lied, it was possible to make me laugh. Bailey knew what to say to lift my spirits. Thank God-well, whoever, that she was in my life. She was pretty much my only friend and I think that without her, I probably wouldn’t be here now.
“I got into a fight with my Dad…”
“I could tell… the bruise on your face looks pretty bad…” Bailey sighed. “Do you want some ice to put on it?” I shook my head, dismissing it.
“We have to go…this is our only chance. I knocked him out with a lamp and just ran. Bailey, I can’t ever go back home, he will kill me.” I wasn’t going to cry, I promised myself that before I even started speaking, but there my body went, betraying my mind.
“Maddy, don’t cry…shit, we’re going to be okay. We just have to go and then everything is going to be different.” Bailey put her hand on my shoulder comfortingly.
It was little things like that, little bits of emotion that make me feel like I’m human. I never got much attention growing up, I guess I need to be touched or reassured that I’m cared about some how. I guess it’s a little needy on my part, but growing up without any affection can really damage you.
“Then let’s go… let’s just pack up and leave. You know I’m not the type to do something like this…to be so impulsive.”
“You know I’m down for it, I just want to make sure that you know what we’re getting into.”
I looked up at Bailey, her bright brown eyes were sparkling with excitement. Maybe she was right after all; maybe I just had to let go to be able to be happy. Life in a new city was going to be hard, but it was all worth it, right? No more pain, no more abuse, just a new quiet life. I think everyone is entitled to that.
“I’m sure. Pack up some stuff… we have to get on the next train out of LA.” I sighed, looking down at the floor. “I’m kind of a felon. I stole my father’s car.”
“Shit! The MDX? We could sell that car and get some money for Salem! Madison, this could really work!” Bailey jumped up and grabbed my arm. She was laughing, it was one of the few times I saw her smile all the way up to her eyes. There was pure joy in every movement. It made me feel the same way. “And you stole a car...dear God… we have to do this quick, Maddy. I’m going to pack enough stuff for both of us. Go call online and check the train times.”
I just nodded; almost stunned that Bailey was taking control of a situation that I would usually rule. I guess I was so drained that I couldn’t take the control that I always craved. I'm liking this feeling the more I just allow myself to let it happen.
I started my search. "This is going to work."
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