I’m really not surprised that I got stuck at home, alone, while Trace and his cousin Jose went to a movie and Justin went out with Jessica. I don’t know what I was thinking, getting excited at the last moment about straightening things out with Justin over dinner; you and I both know that things don’t ever work in my favor.

 
“Why are you still sitting at home, you’re in LA; you should be out finding some fine ass men to be with.” It had been a while since Noel and I spoke, so the second Justin left the house I picked up the house phone and called her; his phone bill was going to be a bitch when it came that month and I really didn’t care.

“I’m sitting at home because it’s Sunday and I start work tomorrow.”

“You’re going to be a substitute, you don’t do anything but make sure those spoiled brats are behaving. Don’t act like you can’t get your swerve on tonigh and still do your job efficiently tomorrow morning”

“You know Noel, I called you so you could make me feel better about all of this, not so you can get on the lack of significance my job has.”

“Sorry Alana, but seriously you may want to consider getting a better job until next school year. Aren’t you trying to move out of Justin’s place?”

“I’m looking online as we speak.”

“How is $200 bucks a week going to pay rent and everything else?”

“I don’t have a car note so that’s one less thing.”

“You have no car note but you’ll have utilities, food, rent, clothes; that’s not even all of it. I don’t get why you’re acting like you’re new to this living on your own thing. Stop being so naïve.”

“Are you serious Noel? I’m not being naïve at all, I’ll figure it out okay? Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m worrying because I’m your friend Alana, and you don’t seem happy out there. What is even going on with you and Justin? He’s clearly just using you for sex.” Noel and Justin don’t really see eye to eye on much, so you can imagine her feelings towards me moving in with him.

“I’ve gotta go. I have things to do for tomorrow.”

“Yeah, just like you to run when shit gets tough.”

“I just don’t feel like hearing you lecture me like you’re my Mom. I’ll talk to you later Noel, love you.” I already knew that I make sucky ass decisions. I didn’t need her to tell me that I’m an idiot so the only option was hanging up to prevent my ears from hearing it.

Hours later, when I heard the front door open just as I was getting into bed I couldn’t help but to outwardly groan and let out some pent up frustration; I definitely didn’t want Justin to bring Jessica back because I had a feeling that I was going to beat the shit out of her if I saw her. When I heard the footsteps stop underneath my door I immediately pulled the covers over my head and acted like I was sleeping; don’t tell me how juvenile I was acting, I’m fully aware. Thanks.

“…I think she’s sleeping.” Was the only part of the sentence I heard when whoever cracked my door open.

“Bullshit. Alana get up bitch I know you’re faking!” I sat up in my bed and reached over on the night stand to turn the light on just as Trace was taking a running dive for my bed.

“You are an asshole.”

“Yeah and you suck at fake sleeping.”

“How do you know I was faking?”

“You don’t sleep with the covers over your head; you feel like you’re going to suffocate in your sleep, remember? Why are you even here anyways?” Jose came walking cautiously into my room and sat on the bed. I smiled at him and looked back at Trace with a disgusted look on my face.

“Your friend…”

“My friend? Oh God, what’d he do now?”

“I was getting to that if you’d let me finish. Your friend forgot that he had to have dinner with Jessipoo’s parents tonight because they’re in town so ‘Operation Make Alana Not Hate Me Anymore’ got pushed back to whenever he has another free day.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, ouch…”

I wasn’t able to say anything else because Justin came barging in the house singing his new song at the top of his lungs. It took him a few minutes before he found the three of us lounged out on my bed, but when he did he didn’t look too happy.

“What’s with the mess all over the living room?” Oops.

“What mess?”

“The mess that I just cleaned up. There were papers and shit all over the place, you guys don’t know how to clean up after yourselves?”

“You’re one to talk about cleaning up Justin, I clean up after you everyday like I’m your mother.” I couldn’t miss his eye roll before he turned and looked at Trace and Jose with a stack of paper in his hands.

“You moving out here Jose?”

“Hell no, Ma would kill me if I even thought about leaving her alone in Memphis.”

“Then who’s apartment searches are these?”

“They’re mine Justin.”

“Well, look at the time. I think I left my car lights on, Jose you wanna help me turn them off?”

“It takes two people to turn off car lights?”

“I have a very complicated car… God just come on.” Justin and I watched Jose and Trace leave the room before he turned back to me and dropped the papers I left on the table on my bed without saying a word; talk about uncomfortable silence.

“You leaving?” When he finally spoke his words were barely audible; I couldn’t tell if he was mad or just shocked.

“I wasn’t going to stay here forever.”

“I know that I just didn’t think you’d be here for a month before you tried to be out on your own.”

“I can’t be here anymore Jay. I’ve been thinking this past week and I realized that I need, and want, so much more from you that you aren’t willing to offer.”

“Like what?”

“Our friendship used to be the shit but lately it’s been so fucked up. I don’t know what I was thinking when I got myself into this mess.”

“So now being with me is a mess?” I didn’t get why he was getting so upset, he had Jessica. Why would he care if I left?

“That’s just it Jay, I’m not with you. You and Jessica break up like every other day and you come running to me, we fuck, then you go running back to her once you get off. All my life I’ve been the go-to girl for men and I can’t deal with this shit anymore; I shouldn’t have to deal with it from my best friend. I’m almost 25 for fuck’s sake; most women my age have someone they want to be with for the rest of their lives.”

“I don’t even know what to say Alana, it’s never been a problem before. When’d this all start?” I didn’t mean for my laugh to sound so sadistic so I wasn’t expecting the strange look he gave me.

“Have you ever bothered to ask if fucking around was a problem to me? No, you haven’t. I want more than you can offer me, plain and simple. I need to move out to get my act together and move on. I’ve got something good with Derek and don’t want to fuck it up.”

“Derek isn’t here, so how can you have something good with him?”

“Do you understand how stupid you sound right now? Do you even know what’s good for me anymore, have you ever? All of those fucking dates you’ve set me up on have been garbage, you make this move on me that virtually fucks up my life, and now you’re telling me that Derek isn’t good for me because he isn’t around all the time. Get a grip.”

“So you’re just running away then? You say you want more than what I can offer, tell me what that is La, please.”

“Why the fuck is everyone basically calling me a pussy; I don’t fucking run away from things I’m not going to stay in a bad situation. Remember what I had with Tommy in the beginning? When everything was perfect and we were completely head over heels in love with each other?” He only nodded in response, fully expecting what was coming next.

“I want that and so much more, and unless you’re going to leave Jessica completely to give me that Jay, I’m moving out.”

“You don’t even have a place to stay.” I didn’t think he was willing to give up everything with Jessica to be with me.

“One of the teacher’s I met at my job orientation is willing to let me live with her rent free for a few months if I just cover the bills. I’ve got it covered, I’ll be gone by Tuesday.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

Silence has never been a big fan of mine, but the twenty minutes of silence that passed after I told him I was leaving was empowering; for once he had nothing to say about any decisions I made and it felt like I was on top of the world for putting my foot down for once. I felt like nothing could bring me down until he stood up, crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his eyes at me.

“If you think you’re making things better by doing this Alana, you’re not. This is pretty fucked up of you to do, trying to make me choose. I hope you know that.” Who said I was making him choose? Didn’t I pretty much tell him I was leaving because I know he couldn’t choose?

“Oh fuck you Justin…” But before I could finish the door to my room was being slammed shut and seconds later I heard his Jeep rumble to life from the driveway. Immature little shit, I thought he was going to take that better than he did.