I’ll never understand the concept of death; why do we die, who chooses when? When I got the phone call that my Dad was really hurt, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and stomped on, well what was left of it anyways.

I don’t even remember how the hell I managed to make it to Justin’s house alive, but the second I did I punched in the code to the gate and went straight into the backyard. Without a key to the house I was S.O.L and since there were no cars where they normally would be I was stuck until someone found me.

I’m pretty sure hours went by that I was sitting out there, dazed and confused, before I noticed the sun rising from off in the distance and I heard the sliding door creak open behind me. I didn’t have to turn my head around to see who was coming; 9 years is long enough to know when a certain person is entering a room.

“Uh, Alana what’s going on?” Still I didn’t turn my head around; I stayed curled up in a lounge chair, staring off beyond the cliff Justin lived on while the sun rose.

“Hello? Can you hear me?” He came around to the front of the chair I was in and stared down at me, I could tell he had just been woken up from a deep sleep and  that he was annoyed. Instead of answering I watched as Buckley and Brennan came running out from the open door at us only to get pushed aside by Justin.

“I heard you.”

“Then answer me.” I picked my head up when he rose his voice; it was way too early for him to be yelling at me and with the frame of mind I was in I couldn’t even get out the words before I started to choke up again. He noticed that I was struggling to speak and crouched down to my level where he finally saw that I was extremely upset.

“What’s going on? Have you been here long?” I shrugged my shoulders and looked past him at the two dogs who were wrestling each other dangerously close to the pool.

“I don’t know. I walked here from Trace’s a while ago.”

“You what? Are you insane, you could have gotten raped or something walking way the fuck over from there. What is going on?”

“My Dad’s been in a really bad car accident when he was on his way home from work. They doubt he’s going to make it.”

Picking me up and carrying me into the house, Justin put me down on the couch in the living room before he left and headed into the kitchen. When he came back into the living room Justin handed me a hot mug and a blanket and sat down next to me. Immediately, regardless of how pissed off I was at him, I latched onto him and sobbed uncontrollably.

“Shh. It’s going to be okay, please don’t cry.” Hearing him say that only made me cry harder, because from what Isaac told me I knew things weren’t going to be okay; he had been trapped in his truck for too long before someone even saw it lying totaled on the side of the deserted highway.

“Nothing is okay Justin, nothing at all. My dad is dying, things between us are fucked up, I fucking hate it here. I just want everything to go back to the way things were a year ago. I want to be back at home in Jersey with my fucking house, working with my own kids and not these stuck up California snobs. I want to go home..” Why was I being such a complete and total mess around him? I was supposed to stand strong and show him that I didn't need him to console me; I didn't need him to protect me when he was causing me my pain.

“I’m sorry about everything Alana, but you don’t have any control over any of this. Things will work out, trust me. When have I ever lied to you?”

“Things will work out Justin? Things aren’t going to fucking work out. My dad is dying, maybe you didn’t hear me when I said that. I lost my best friend because the both of us were too fucking stupid to keep our pants on so please tell me how everything is going to work out, please Justin.” By that time I had stood up and was pacing around the living room with tears streaming down my face harder and faster with every octave that my voice rose.

“Calm down Alana, this isn’t going to help anything. I’m just trying to fucking help and you’re jumping down my throat. What do you want from me?”

“I want you to fucking man up Justin, own up to your fucking mistakes. I want to be with you, be your fucking girlfriend, and not just the best friend that you run to when you need a good fuck…” I stopped pacing and faced him, breathing heavily, and trying to stop myself from getting any crazier.

“Don’t you think that I regret the day that me and you first had sex? Don’t you ever stop and think that I want things back to how they used to be too?”

I couldn’t believe he had said what he did; I couldn’t believe that he really said that he regretted sleeping with me. He was the one who wanted me to move out to LA and now he was telling me that he wanted things back to how they used to be; I used to be back in New Jersey, I used to be with Derek, I used to have a dad in perfectly good help.

“Fuck you Justin.”

“Please stop saying that shit to me Alana. I didn’t mean that how I said it.”

“Justin, do you want to be with me, yes or no?” I needed my answer, because it was going to change everything.

“Alana, come on…” I held up my hand as the tears streamed steadily.

“Yes or no? Answer my question please.”

“Why is that relevant?”

“Answer my fucking question!” I didn’t mean to scream as loud as I did, and I scared the both of us when I did.

“I…I can’t be with you…not now…no.” He couldn’t even look me in the eyes when he answered, the whole time he muttered and stumbled to find the words he was staring at the floor with his head in his hands. When I gasped at his response he looked up and peaked through the spaces in his hands; for the first time in a while I saw tears fall from Justin’s eyes and for the first time ever I had no sympathy for a tough situation he put himself in.

And that was all I needed to hear for me to be out the door. I didn’t know where I was going but I wasn’t staying at Justin’s house; I wasn’t staying anywhere that I wasn’t wanted.

I wasn’t wanted in Los Angeles; or at least I wasn’t wanted by the person I intended to be wanted by.

“Daddy?” I walked into the hospital room where my dad was staying and saw him lying lifelessly on the bed, hooked up to all sorts of monitors and cords. Isaac, Jimmy, Mom, Lizzie, and Cindy were sitting around my dad’s bed crying when I walked into the room. Immediately my brother’s came over to me and hugged me tightly.

“What’s going on guys?” I sat down on the edge of the bed and grabbed my Dad’s hand before turning towards the rest of my family.

“It’s not good Baby…”

“I didn’t think it was going to be good.”

After hearing that my Dad was most likely not going to wake up out of the coma that he was in, Isaac took me down to the cafeteria and of course, being my big brother he had to ask me what was going on.

“So tell me Lana, why are you here?” I took a sip of my coffee and stared at him over the brim of the styrofoam cup before answering.

“To be with my family.”

”Listen, I’ve known you for all your life and I know when things aren’t always what they seem with you, so what’s going on lil’ sis? Stop beating around the bush.”

“Ugh, fine. I got into it with Justin a while ago and things just got really bad. I’m done with him, I can't do it anymore. He's not a good person and I can't support the shit that he does to people anymore.”

“That’s your best friend, how do you just ignore him?”

“My best friend has done some pretty questionable things Isa, and I can’t deal with that on top of everything with Daddy right now.” He reached across the table and grabbed my hand for comfort; Isaac didn’t have to say anything else because I already knew that he knew what I was talking about.