”Standing here before you all is just so unbelievable to me. Months ago we were together as a family, celebrating the return of Isaac and Jimmy from Iraq, and here we are together again, mourning the life of David James Gagliardi. Those of you who knew him personally knew that he was a loyal friend, a loving husband, and the best father a girl could ever ask for. It’s so hard to fathom that when I wake up tomorrow I won’t be able to call him and tell him how my night was, or about the bad dream I had, or that come Christmas time he won’t be here to celebrate with our family like normal. I could sit up here for hours and share all of the things my father taught me or share all of our positive memories together, but I won’t bore you with it all and I want to keep all of those things private because I never want to let go of the short 24 years I had the chance to spend with him. I know that Daddy is looking down on all of us, grinning from ear to ear, and watching over us as we sit here remembering the great person that he was. I also know that he wouldn’t want any of us to cry over the fact that he’s gone; he would want us all to celebrate that he lived a full life and accomplished so much, so that is what I’m asking you all to do whenever you think of him from here on. Please don’t forget the good that Daddy did, please don’t cry over the life that he lost; be happy because he lived more than some of us in this room put together…”
By the end of my speech the tears had begun to fall freely for the first time since I got the news that my dad had given up. I stepped down from the podium, touched my hand to my lips before touching my father’s closed casket softly, and made my way to the front pew of the church where the rest of my family sat crying. As I sat through the rest of the speeches made by family and friends everything was so surreal to me; it felt so odd knowing that I wouldn’t be able to ever tell him I loved him or be able to hear his loud voice boom throughout the house during family get-togethers.
After the burial I was driving back to my Dad and Cindy’s house in Lizzie’s car, alone, when “Bed” came on the radio. I just couldn’t handle all of the emotions that overcame my body so I pulled over into a parking lot and cried while the song played through to the end.
“That was ‘Bed’ by Justin Timberlake. And just to go off topic quickly, our condolences go out to Justin and his friends and family right now; early yesterday morning we got word that Justin cancelled his shows at the House of Blues for the upcoming week and rumor has it that there has been a death in his family. All of us here are praying for your family JT…”
It seems as though as soon as I heard the radio DJ break the news Justin showed up outside the window. Breaking me out of my daze, Justin tapped loudly on the passenger’s side window, making me jump nearly out of the seat.
I was numb to his existence though and wanted nothing to do with him at that moment in time. I left him standing there for a good 8 or so minutes before I eventually unlocked the door so he could climb in.
“I tried catching up to you at the cemetery but you got into the car and took off too fast…” Do you think I answered?
“You know Alana, I told you I was sorry I don’t get what more you want from me. You put me in such a tough situation back at my house I didn’t know what to say or do. You know I love you La, but I can’t ruin this anymore than it has been…”
“Please just shh… I love you too Justin, which is why I need my space. I can’t be around you at this moment in time. You were the main person telling me that I needed to start dating around and I needed to stop settling for less than I deserved, but I fucking settled with you, thinking you were what I deserved, and I got my heart torn in the process. So if you’re here to support me and be my friend, do that but please don’t bring any of this excess bullshit into my life right now because I don’t need it.”
Without another word, he kissed my forehead and climbed right back out of the car. I sat there for a little while longer, watching his rental car pull out of the parking lot, before I headed back to the house to join the rest of my family. Of course Justin was around the house for the rest of the day, but I managed to keep my distance and stay away from everyone when he was around.
It was so hard standing up to Justin all of the times that I had. It was so hard shutting him and Trace out of my life, Trace in particular because he didn’t really do anything wrong but I couldn’t be around him knowing that he would probably report everything back to Justin. I needed to completely rid myself of things that were wrong in my life, starting with the fucked up relationships I held with people.
I constantly got lectured by my Mom and brothers about shutting them out of my life though; they didn’t understand why I would want to lose two more people in my life after losing my dad, and they’ll never understand because they didn’t go through the turmoil I did to try to convince myself that I didn’t need Justin in my life.
When the time came for me to go back to LA I was dreading it completely, but I needed to be back at work and I needed to stop dwelling on the fact that my dad was gone.
After about a month of being back ‘home’ I ran into Trace at Starbucks on my way to work, which was definitely odd to say the least.
“Hey La!” I turned around from where I was standing by the door and saw Trace making his way over to me. We quickly embraced in a hug and pulled apart before I dropped the cup frappuccino I had in my hands.
“Hey how are you doing?” Talking to my ‘best friend’ shouldn’t be that weird. Things shouldn’t have been the way they were, but I was the only one to blame for that.
“I’m alright, working on the line a lot. How are you doing girl, you look real good. Have you lost weight or something LaLa?” He looked me up and down and nodded his approval.
“I lost the couple pounds that I put on since I’ve been out here, back down to a size 5 from the 9 I got to be after the first month or two out here.”
“Well you look great, you always have La, but you look fucking amazing now…” Things got silent for a few minutes before Trace finally spoke up again.
“Look, I don’t understand what’s going on right now, and maybe I shouldn’t, but I didn’t hurt you Alana. I didn’t do anything for you to just ignore me, I’m not Justin.”
“I know Trace and I’m sorry for that but I needed time alone to cope with everything hitting all at once.”
“I’ve been carrying this around for a while because I didn’t know any other way to get it to you. Just read it and don’t ask any questions…” He grabbed an envelope from his back pocket and handed it to me before making his way out onto the street.
That blinding white envelope sat on my desk back at the condo for days before I even took notice to it; I didn’t have to open it to know who it was from. But just when I had truly forgotten it even existed, I came into the house one day and found it opened on the dining room table and Zoe was nowhere to be found. Stupid bitch.
LaLa,
If you’re reading this I guess you ran into Trace somewhere or he dropped it off to you. Before you even think about ripping this to pieces just hear, well read, me out. Who would have thought you pet sitting lead us to all of this?
Look there isn’t really anything I can say or do to change the shit that I said and did to you. Sorry isn’t good enough for me, so it sure as hell isn’t going to be good enough for you. I never meant for things to get so carried away the way they did, I can sincerely tell you that much. We’ve come too far to just stop talking to each other though, and Trace sure as hell doesn’t deserve any of this when he’s not to blame at all; at least talk to him if you won’t speak to me.
I can’t be with you because I’m fucking scared of ruining us any further. Do you understand how weird it is that I can’t come home from a gig and call you, or that I can’t call you to come bring me food in the studio because I’m too lazy to do it myself? I miss you so damn much Alana and it’s killing me that all of this came undone the way it did, I just want you back to being my best friend. I get that you need space to get over everything that just happened and I’m giving you your space but don’t shut me out completely because this here is killing me.
I’m sorry that I chose Jessica over you, but this is just the way it needed to be; I’m ready to beat myself up over the decision I made every day but like I said, I just can’t fuck this up anymore than I already have so I chose the safe route. I do love you though Alana, more than I ever thought I could love any friend of mine. You have my heart La; you have me whenever, wherever, you need me. Take as much time as you need to come around, but don’t wait forever because I miss you and so do my beasts.
I don’t regret anything that happened between us though Alana, even though I told you I did. Call me whenever, please. I don’t care when it is, just call me and let me know that this will all be okay eventually.
-Jay
My vision was so cloudy by the end of the letter that it took me all of five minutes to read just the last two lines. In the end, I was livid that Zoe would open something personal that had been in my room, but I was more upset over the fact that he picked Jessica over me because she was safe.
I did the only thing I thought was right at that point, and grabbed my cell phone from my bag that was on the counter.
To: Justin
Subject: None
Look, I’m past being pissed about everything. I just read your letter and I really have nothing to say to you right now though Justin. I’m used to always being put last so if you think I’m going to beat myself up over this shit anymore you’re wrong. I've realized that I’ve never been the one for you, in your eyes, so I guess I’m goin to have just get used to it.
After I sat in the living room for a while I realized that in a way my father and I were the same; the both of us had no fight left in us anymore, we saw no reason to continue on struggling when there was nothing to do to benefit us in the current state we had been in. But while he stopped fighting for his life, I stopped fighting for my spot in Justin’s heart.
Things may not be the way the used to be between Justin, Trace, and I but they’re slowly getting there as I sit here and tell you all of this. There are still times where I want to beat myself up over losing my dad and being so stupid to let Justin into my heart the way I did; I should have just kept him at the distance he was at but the pain that I felt from Tommy and everyone else in my life blinded me and in the end I got hurt.
To this day I’m learning that there really isn’t anything wrong with being second best, and the way I see it (now at least), I’d rather be second in his heart than first because I don’t have to deal with all of the heartache and tribulation that comes with being Justin’s girlfriend. So for now I’ll remain the best friend and I’ll be that helping hand when he needs someone to vent to but I’ll always remember what I had to go through to establish my spot at the (almost) top.
