We were sitting on the porch of this little food stand at the beach when Justin brought it up. I had been able to somewhat get it out of my mind so that I forgot that it happened around this time of year.

“How are you feeling?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s November 15th La.”

“I’m fine Justin.” I immediately lost the craving for ice cream I had before.

“Sure.”

“Why are you bringing it up? I thought we were going to have a good day?”

“You can’t just erase it from your mind Alana, and you know that. We never talk about it, Trace and I worry about the whole situation still. You can tell it’s had a big effect on you.”

“Sorry that I don’t want to think about the abortion, okay Justin? Can we just drop it?”

“Have you seen him?” He doesn’t listen, did you pick that up?

“No, not since last year around this time; and because I was with you and Trace and you guys threatened the shit outta him he knows better than to try to come around anymore.”

“Good. I’ll fucking kill him if he gets within 100 feet of you ever again.” Defensive Justin wasn’t a pretty sight, so I knew I had to end the conversation quickly before he got angry.

“Can we drop it? It’s getting kinda cold, wanna head back up to the house and watch movies?” He nodded his head and we got up to throw away the rest of our ice cream. I guess it wasn’t a smart idea to eat ice cream in the middle of November; I was freezing by the time we got back to my car.

I’m thinking I should tell you about Tommy. He was my last serious boyfriend and the main reason as to why I’m ‘always the bridesmaid and never the bride’. He and I dated throughout college and things were bittersweet. Tommy was everything I always didn’t want in a man, but I loved him deeply. He cheated, he lied, he manipulated, he sweet-talked, he was loved by everyone in my family, and he occasionally hit me when he got drunk. But I loved him.

From the day I introduced Justin and Trace to Tommy they hated him, and I’m glad that someone in my life saw through the smoke screen with him. There had been one incident where for Spring Break, instead of going to Cancun with Tommy, his friends, and their girlfriends I went on tour with Justin, which made Tommy livid. I got phone calls every day from him that ended up with me crying and him hanging up on me. During those phone calls he called me a slut, accused me of sleeping with both Justin and Trace, and told me that he’d been fucking girls left and right while he was there, and I knew he was telling me the truth. But I still stayed with him.

My first year out of college Tommy got me pregnant and then told me that he knew the baby wasn’t his when I broke the news to him; day in and day out for two months he would rant and rave about how he just knew my baby belonged to “Timberfag” as he liked to call Justin. He never flat out told me to get an abortion but I knew that’s what he wanted me to do. I knew that deep down he knew that baby was his but that he didn’t want a baby because he didn’t want to be attached to me for life. He broke up with me and two weeks later I decided that I wanted rid of the baby that was growing inside of me. Tommy told me that he wished we stayed ‘just friends’ because he didn’t have a problem with being just friends with sluts, he had a problem with dating them.

Justin and Trace are the only people other than Tommy and me who know about my pregnancy and they supported me through everything. Because I was just out of college and didn’t have a job yet Justin gave me the 500 dollars to get the abortion, and told me I didn’t have to ever think about paying him back for it. Trace took me to the Planned Parenthood the day of my appointment; Justin wanted to be there for support, but how would that look if he showed up at the Planned Parenthood with a distraught female? And because I lived with Tommy when he left me, I stayed out in LA with them for a while and got a part-time job to raise some money before I found the teaching position in New Jersey (Justin actually fronted me the down payment on the one floor house that I live in).

We don’t ever talk about what happened though. Everyone other than Justin and Trace think that Tommy and I just grew apart and ended it mutually, and it hurts that I can’t tell anyone but I don’t want them to place judgments (which I’m sure everyone else will do). But when the middle of November comes around it hurts, because that’s when my baby was due; November 20, 2004 was the day I was supposed to give birth to new life if I didn’t terminate the pregnancy. It was for the best though, I’m still sad about it sometimes but I know that I wouldn’t have been able to support the both of us on my own.

We got back to the house and kicked Lizzie out of the basement and went to watch our movies down there. I was engrossed in Murder by Numbers, one of my favorites, when Brennan came trotting down the stairs and hopped her big ass up on the couch and laid across Justin and I. She was licking my hand when I noticed Justin staring at me.

“You’re crying.” I wiped my eyes and tried to blink back the tears that were about to fall.

“Am not.”

“Are too. What’s going on?” He paused the movie and slid closer to me on the couch so he could wrap his arm around my shoulder.

“I’m just thinking about everything now. My baby would have been three years old, and I don’t even know if I would have had a boy or girl.”

“It’ll be okay Alana, you know it’s always hard around this time.” He made me look at him and when he turned my head towards his something felt extremely weird. With the pad of this thumb Justin wiped away the tears that had escaped onto my cheeks and then stared at me.

“You’re scaring me. Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Sorry.” I’m sure he meant to speak clearly but it came out in more of a whisper, and he didn’t look away. I went to say something else but was cut off when Justin leaned in a kissed me. Yeah you heard me, Justin “I love this little girl like she’s my sister” Timberlake kissed me.

“Wow, I’m really sorry about that.” I just stared in disbelief; I couldn’t believe that just happened. It’s not like we haven’t kissed before, but it seemed like he actually meant to kiss me. And it was sensual, not the stupid shit that we joke around with all the time to make people (Trace, Uncle Johnny, and my brothers) uncomfortable.

“It’s fine.”

And it was fine. The weekend went on like nothing ever happened, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Justin kissed me and he showed no shame about it after, did he mean to? What the hell happened to Jessica? I couldn’t wait to tell Trace about what happened. I knew he’d be able to tell me what went on.

After Justin got in the limo that picked him up to head back to Boston for his show that week I left my Dad’s house and headed back to New Jersey. By the time I was in CT I was annoyed with driving and decided to call Trace for him to keep me company.

“Talk to me.”

“Hola mi amor.” I could hear him try to hide his laugh on the other line.

“Hey LaLa.  What’s going on?”

“Are you busy?”

“Nah, I’m laying around at home. Why, what’s wrong?”

“I’m just feelin’ real weird, that’s all.” I guess he got the hint because I heard the TV that was playing in his house mute and he sighed.

“I don’t blame you, I’d be worried if you didn’t feel weird. You don’t have to worry about Tommy though, it’s been over three years and he hasn’t shown up since last year. I took care of that bastard for you baby girl.”

“Yeah I know. It’s not even really about that though Trace.”

“What’s got you feeling all fucked up then?”

“Justin stopped by my dad’s house this weekend thanks to you.”

“I don’t see the problem in that. I would have come too if I wasn’t stuck back in boring ass LA working with the designers. I swear to God I need more friends here, how do you feel about living on the West Coast, because if you moved here I wouldn’t need to make more friends for when Justin’s away…” I had to cut his rambling off or he would have gone on forever.

“Can you shut up? He kissed me.” He started to choke on whatever he was drinking/eating and had to catch his breath before talking again.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly. Did you just say Justin kissed you?”

“That’s what I said.”

“How the fuck did this happen?” I told him about everything and he listened, just like he always does. That’s the good thing about my friendship with them; Trace is the listener and Justin is the advice giver. I have my own personal therapists at my beck and call, not that I’m some mental case with tons of problems that needs them for therapists or anything.

“Oh Jesus. Were things weird afterwards?”

“Not at all. The two of us acted like nothing happened. I’m just confused as to why he did it.”

“He probably just got caught up in the moment. It’s good things aren’t weird between you two because Thanksgiving would be extremely bad if things were.” I hadn’t even though about Thanksgiving; my mom, grandparents, and I were flying down to Memphis to spend Thanksgiving with Justin and Trace’s families since it was just the four of us at dinner this year. He was right, thank god things didn’t get tense between Justin and I or things would be very off.

I talked to Trace on the phone until I was home, which was hours after I first called him. When I got home I called Justin and left a message on this phone that I got back safely and would talk to him when he got a chance. I knew things were about to get strange, even if they weren’t at the time. I knew that my life was about to change, and to be honest I wasn’t ready for the rollercoaster ride I was about to take.