18 days later...

Thursday Night...

At Jeremy's

Orlando, FL

Jahzara's P.O.V

No Holding Back - Part 1

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."

"You're not taking that job Zara!"

"Yes I am Jeremy! God, what is wrong with you?"

"Aren't you all supposed to hate each other? Why do you even care? You and Justin don't get along." Jeremy screams at me.

"We're trying to. I mean, this could be good for us. We could...bond." I choke out, reversing away from Jeremy. He has this maniacal glimmer in his eyes I've never seen before. "Look Jer. I haven't even seen or spoken to him in over two weeks." I explain.

"I don't care Zara! I don't like you two spending so much time together. You start work next week. Something just doesn't seem right here." He hisses, walking forward.

"Look Jer. You're upset. We'll talk about this tomorrow. I'm just going to leave." Grabbing my purse I turn for the exit of Jeremy's condo, but he grabs unto my arm roughly spinning me around.

"You're not leaving Z. I'm not done yet. And I'm not upset Zara. Ok, maybe a little but jealous would be closer along the lines." He snaps, digging into my flesh. Damn it, why does his hold have to always be so rough?

"Listen Jer.."

"Shut up Zara! Damn it! Are you cheating on me with Justin? Is that it? Because I care about you Zara. I don't want to lose you."

Staring into his eyes I can see the redness in them. When I came over here I was hoping we could spend some time together but, now I'm regretting my decision. He's clearly high. I'm a little scared to find out what he's high on. I never pictured Jeremy as the kind who takes drugs. Something is very wrong. And, when I showed up about half an hour ago, he began ranting on about me and him and our future together. Can we say creepy?

So, honestly, I'm the reason I haven't seen or heard from or spoken to Justin in over two weeks. I've been avoiding him like the plague...especially when I saw photos of him and Mallory gracing the television screen and tabloids. The public has successfully forgotten about me. They're now centralized on Justin's new ‘girl toy'. I should be thrilled but I'm not. I miss him. I really do. I've ignored all his calls and voicemails. He's really trying you know? I can tell he cares because he won't stop calling me. He won't stop leaving me voicemails, begging for me to call him back. He seems like he's suffering. I'm not sure why. I've told Malcolm everything and he was ready to head over to Justin's and beat him to a pulp. I think he hates Justin now. I don't see why. Ju hasn't really done anything wrong.

Malcolm actually wishes I would quit my job. Some brother right? He's supposed to support his sister and all her spontaneous whims, but he pushes me to the side because of his own issues he's having with my boss. Ah yes, Justin is still undoubtedly my employer. Now more than ever. I'm not looking forward to learning about my job description and what it entails to be his assistant. I just hope I can survive it.

"Earth to Jahzara! Are you fucking listening to me?" Jeremy grips unto my shoulders shaking me violently. "What is wrong with you? Where is your head? You better not be thinking about him!"

You have no idea how terrified and shocked I am right now by my supposed boyfriend. I'm staring at him dumfounded as I blink slowly. I'm having a hard time digesting what's going on. It's happening too fast. He's completely gone mental on me. I've never seen him this worked up before. I think the drugs have something to do with it.

"I'm just going to leave Jer. You're high. You need some rest." I force myself out of his hold, ruffling my black t-shirt and cotton shorts. I didn't dress up to come here. I just wanted us to hang out, but that's not happening because Jeremy is bitching. I'm wondering why it took him until now to stress over Justin like this. Did something happen I don't know about?

"NO! I won't allow that. Do you know what I found out Zara?" he sneers, approaching me with blazing eyes.

"You're crazy and high! I don't want to hear this, I'm leaving..." Whipping around, I grip unto the door handle, but before I can twist the knob, I feel his strong arms around my waist hoisting me off the ground.

"Let me go! What has gotten into you?" I belt, clawing at his arms as he effortlessly brings me further into the condo.

"Just stop! Do you know what the fuck I found out Zara?" He snaps vehemently.

"Shut up!" I wail, covering my ears.

"Tell me something isn't going on with you two. Because for Justin to buy you a fucking yacht, there has to be something there."

Gasping loudly, I cease my struggling as he tosses me unto a nearby couch. How did he find out?

"Didn't think I knew? I know a lot Zara, but this topped the fucking cake. Have you slept with him? Has he...has he..."

"No! god! It was just a harmless gift." I think I'm trembling now. I need to get out of here. This man has turned into a monster.

"Bullshit! Don't lie to me. Don't! You came home the next morning Zara! Am I supposed to believe nothing happened?"

"You're spying on me now?" I ask incredulously.

"Don't change the subject."

"No! Just let me leave. I don't have to sit here and listen to this." Standing on my feet, Jeremy jacks me roughly, pushing me back down. I can feel my rage building in my system.

"Don't push me like that! You have not right!" I yell standing and punching his arms to get him out of the way.

"The hell! Just sit down." Now he's manhandling me. Only Justin can get away with that. Not Jeremy.

"I'm leaving." I enforce, shoving at his chest.

"No you are not!" Jeremy snaps and in a split second my world is turned upside down. I think time just stopped. All I can hear now is our erratic breathing. What just happened?

Stumbling back a bit, I can feel the tears flowing down my cheeks as I grip the side of my face. "You...you...you hit me?" I spit with detest. "Oh my god." I mutter, clutching unto the sore spot. I didn't even see it coming. It was too quick to comprehend. I do know that I felt his hand connect with my jaw. He backhanded me. That bastard.

"Oh my god. Oh shit. Zar...I...I'm...I'm sorry." Jeremy instantly sobers up and I can see his eyes glistening as he plops down like a lump on his living room floor. "I'm sorry." He mumbles. What is wrong with him?

"Asshole!" I hiss, storming for the front door. He sounds like a broken record just repeating ‘I'm sorry'. Swinging the door open with haste, I turn around to look at him. He's not looking at me. He's just on the floor staring off into space. He's not trying to stop me. I should be thrilled, but I'm still scared.

Not wasting any time, I step out of the condo, slamming the door shut. Sprinting to my car, I hop in and bring the contraption to life, speeding out the parking spot.

Getting unto the freeway, I touch my cheek lightly and instantly breakdown. "Oh my god, what just happened? Oh my fucking..." Sucking up my sobs, I look at my ringing cell. It was attached to my side the entire time. Glancing at the caller ID I realize it's Justin. "Oh no. Not now." He's the reason why I'm in this mess. I was kind of hoping it was Jeremy calling to apologize. That was some Jerry Springer shit that just went down.

I can't go home. I have a fair complexion. I'm almost certain the side of my face is turning purple right now. Malcolm would flip out. I can't have my brother committing homicide in a fit of anger. The call finally goes to my voicemail and I breathe a sigh of relief. What do I do? I need out. I need..."Trace!"

That's it. I'll go by Trace. He'll know what I should do. Instantly making a U-turn and being cussed out by other drivers, I head in the direction of Trace's house.

On my way there, I pick up my cell phone to listen to the voicemail Justin just left. I think that was a mistake because I'm full out bawling right now. I can't even breathe right and my tears are blinding my vision.

"Berry, please talk to me. Did I do something wrong? Why won't you return my calls? I'm worried about you. I hope everything is alright..." I can hear him pause, taking in deep breaths. Why does he always do this to me? "I miss you berry. I'm going fucking crazy not being able to be around you, or touch you or smell your familiar sent...I need you...just...please call me back..." Justin whispers into the line before I hear him hang up.

I don't bother to listen to my voicemail commands on what I want to do next. Instead, I shut the phone and toss it in the back seat. Screw Trace right now. I need Justin. I need to see him. I just...god I'm a mess.

Finally turning into the street of Justin's neighborhood, I notice Trace's mansion but I pass it straight. Justin is about another fifteen minutes away. I'll talk to Trace another time. Besides, I think he'd freak out if he saw me right now. I've sort of been avoiding him too.

About twenty minutes later, I pull up to the main gates of Justin's estate and begin having flashbacks. The last time I was here was for his cookout with Jeffery Rush. That was the first time we kissed in his pool. That was the day before we left for LA. That was...over two months ago. Time changes everything. Justin thinks our little ‘attraction' started the night we danced at Tim's club, but for me, it all started when we shared that kiss. It terrified me because I never felt so many emotions in one single kiss before. And I think they are still present as we speak; only getting stronger...

"Zara?"

Snapping my head up, I wipe at my eyes when I hear Justin's familiar voice filter through his intercom system.

"Uh...yeah." I reply weakly.

"What are you doing here? I thought you hated me or something."

"I...uh...I...well..." What do I say?

"Still driving that white Celica I see." He laughs. God, I've missed that laugh.

"Whatever Ju." I smile up at the surveillance camera.

"You need an upgrade girl." He jokes, and before I can respond, the front gates to his estate ease open.

Well, this is the moment of truth. No holding back this time. I need everything out in the open. Though I'm not sure what exactly I'm doing here or going to say.

Parking in front of his stairway to his front door, I hop out and make my way up to his porch. Before I can knock, the door swings open and I'm greeted with a grinning Justin. His smile is so huge it stretches all the way to his eyes. I guess he's happy to see me. Bowing my head slightly, I begin to fiddle with my nails as I take in his tall form. He's wearing some grey slacks and a plain white t-shirt. His usual stay at home attire. His hair has grown out a lot more from the last time too.

"Hey stranger." Justin coos, reaching out to grasp my hand but I move away. "Berry what's wrong?"

Finally lifting my head to stare into his orbs, I watch at his eyes go from a light sea blue to a dark misty color. "Hi." I state meekly, not quite being able to place his current emotion.

"What the fuck happened to you?" Justin inquires, gripping my chin and turning my head into the light. "Oh my god." He gasps, tracing a pattern over my bruised cheek with his finger.

Flinching in pain, I smack his hand away. "That hurts." I whisper.

Locking eyes with me, he pulls me into his house slamming the door shut and locking it in the process. Leading me into the living room, he instructs me to sit before he disappears somewhere upstairs.

A few minutes later, he returns with a wash cloth filled with ice and some antiseptic. Taking a seat next to me, I watch intently as he focuses on my cheek not saying a word. Pouring some of the liquid substance on a piece of cotton, he looks directly at me before he places the cotton on my cheek, cleaning the wound. Squeezing my eyes shut, I take in air through my teeth when I feel the stinging pain shoot through my face.

"Sorry, but you have a light cut. Don't want it to get infected." He explains, gently passing the cotton over my cheek. When he's done, he takes the wash cloth with ice and places it in my hand. "Hold that against your face, it will help the swelling go down." He instructs and I obey without protesting. I mean, he's not exactly showing any sign of emotion right now. I have no idea what he's thinking or feeling or if he even cares.

Moving away from me, he looks down at my other arm with a frown on his face. Grabbing a hold of my wrist, he lifts my hand up to his level of sight. Touching my skin delicately, I hear him release an annoyed groan before he drops my arm and gets up to walk away.

Furrowing my brows at him, I look down to where he was watching and my eyes grow wide with shock. "Holy shit!" I blurt out, when I see the red outlining of a hand print on my arm. I guess Jeremy's hold was tighter than I thought. I also never realized how easily I mark. That's something to take note of.

After a long while of sitting in silence, I realize that Justin isn't going to return. I'm guessing he's pissed off. He hasn't exactly said much to me. Deciding to go in search of him, I walk into the kitchen dumping the wet wash cloth in the sink. Before I can turn to head up the stairs that I'm guessing leads to his bedroom, I hear loud coughing coming from outside in the yard. Rounding the corner, I walk over to the glass sliding doors, pushing them open. The moment I step foot outside, I'm bum rushed by two big blurs.

Nearly falling over, I bend down to get a good look at my attackers, smiling brightly when I realize it's Buckley and Brennan.

"Hey guys!" I coo, petting them softly. "Good to see you again."

Brennan whimpers slightly, licking my hands and Buckley lets out a bark. Giggling at them, I continue petting them when I hear Justin call out to them.

"Buckley! Brennan!" He shouts, and they instantly turn on their heels, leaving me in search of their master. They really are sweet dogs, and I know they miss Justin terribly when he's not around.

Standing up straight and dusting off my t-shirt and shorts, I walk out to the pool area, slightly mesmerized by the ripples in the water. Summer is over, so the nights are cooler than before. Folding my arms across my chest, I walk further into the yard.

"Behave. Go lie down...both of you. Hey, quit it...go...now." Justin chuckles heartily.

Turning my head in the direction of his voice, I notice him sitting on the grass as he pushes his dogs away playfully. Sighing, I kick off my slippers by a lounge chair and walk unto the soft grass until I get to where he's chilling out.

"Can I join you?" I ask hopefully.

Looking up at me, he shrugs before his dogs scamper away to another part of the house. As he dusts off his hands, I take a seat next to him on the large blanket he has spread out over the grass. I'm thinking he was out here before I came by.

Remaining silent, he lies down on his back with is hands propped behind his head. Following suit, I look around the spacious yard, listening to the bristling of the trees in the wind.

"It's nice out here." I voice, trying to make conversation. I hate this silence between us. When he doesn't answer I groan inwardly. "Listen, Justin..."

"Shhh..." He interrupts me. "Look up." He demands.

"What?"

"Look up at the sky. Tell me what you see." He states. Ok, has he lost his damn mind too?

Doing as I'm told, I frown. "Uh, I see blackness Ju."

"What else?"

"Justin..."

"What else Zara."

Breathing deeply, I gaze up at the night's sky again. "I don't know...clouds and stars...."

"Exactly, stars." He mutters.

"What is this?" I ask.

"Whenever I need to think, or just meditate or relax and clear my mind, I look at the stars. Because in them, I see me, I see myself. I see something that seems so simple, giving off a light so bright that despite how far away it is, you can still see it. Yet, they are so complex and filled with mystery. I don't know. I guess sometimes I wish I could just be a star you know? Just be this celestial body of hot gas that radiates energy millions of miles away and nothing more. I'd not have to deal with this cruel world." He explains and I'm stumped for words. I'm wondering where that divine outlook came from. Something is going on with that man. He always amazes me sometimes. Who would have thought he felt this way? This is a side of him I've never seen before. He's so, Zen-like now, made up with all these layers.

"What's wrong Ju?" I touch his side lightly and he breaks his gaze turning to glare at me.

"Did Jeremy do this to you?" He switches mood on me almost instantly. I think I can see the anger seeping out of his eyes.

"Yeah, we got into a little fight. It was an accident though..." I quickly respond.

"Bullshit. That was no accident. He hit you deliberately. Did you call the cops?"

"What? No! Why would I do that?"

"Because berry, that's abuse." Justin states obviously.

"It was just one stupid mistake. He was high ok? It wasn't his fault." Why am I defending Jeremy?

"It only takes one time Zara. You are so stubborn. That asshole. If I ever get my hands on him I'll..."

"You'll do nothing Justin. This is between the two of us." I snap.

"No it's not. Because I'll be firing his ass really soon." He hisses with fury.

"Don't do that Ju. He said he was sorry."

"Oh please. That's how it starts. They're always sorry. I knew something wasn't right with him. You just don't raise your hand on a woman no matter how much she pisses you off. High or not."

"Just shut up Justin!" I don't need him pointing out my mistakes or any one else's. I'm well aware of them.

"I knew I should have gotten you away from him some time ago. Then none of this would have happened. I promise you he won't lay another hand on you. I'll break off his limbs before he has a chance." Justin snarls. Wow, I've never seen him this angry before. And he's controlling it so well.

"I'm sorry Ju. I just. Let's not talk about that right now. I already know Malcolm will have a heart attack."

"So much for your precious gym boy." He mumbles, looking up at the sky again.

"Justin why must we always be like this? Why can't we just...just be happy with each other without getting into some type of fight?"

"I don't know berry. You've been avoiding me for almost three weeks and when you finally show up on my doorstep, you have the biggest fucking bruise on your face because of your precious Jer. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? That's fucked up berry and you know it."

"I don't judge you and Mallory." I retort. Here we go again.

"I don't give a fuck about Mallory. I care about her but I don't love her berry. I never will. Not when my heart is being pulled in a different direction..." he trails off.

"Wait. What do you mean by that Justin?" That's the second time he's mentioned something like this. The first time was on his jet when we were coming home. But I avoided the situation. Now, now I want to know.

"Just forget it. When you're ready you can leave."

"No I'm not leaving. Tell me Justin. Tell me what you meant by that."

"Why do you care? You're happy with your abusive boyfriend." He speaks with detest.

"Please Ju. Don't do this."

"I didn't do anything berry. You did...he did. Just leave me alone. I don't want to say anything I'll regret."

"Then let's go for the truth. Tell me what's going on. Tell me how you feel Ju. Let's just, forget about Jeremy and Mallory for now." I try to reason.

Turning on his side, he props himself up on his elbows. Studying me with his eyes, he leans forward touching my face lightly. "I can't forget about him and he scared you. I just, we need to end this. What was the fight about anyway?"

"Uh..." Looking away from him I shrug.

"Just forget it. Listen. Are you hungry? We could, order pizza."

"I'm not hungry. Where's Mallory? I thought she would be here."

"Na, she's home. I need my space too you know." He chortles, still staring at me.

"Oh..."

"You look nice." He suddenly states.

"I just have on a t-shirt and shorts with no makeup." I laugh.

"Yeah well it's cute. You're all natural. I like that. You don't even need makeup. I don't know why you wear it." He smiles.

"Don't need no Maybelline, 'Cause you're a beauty queen, Don't need no L'oreal, 'Cause bitch you're bad as hell..." I begin singing but stop when Justin busts out in a fit of laugher.

"Oh hell no. Where did that come from? You've lost it girl." He laughs loudly.

"This coming from ‘the crazy guy'. I was only quoting a badass superstar. What's your deal?" I grin innocently.

"I'm not crazy. But thanks for the badass compliment." He mocks me playfully.

"I think we both have issues, to go from being angry with each other to laughing because I quoted the lyrics of your ‘damn girl' song. Ha!"

"Well I like that. We're flexible." He suggests, moving closer to me. "And about the way I feel..." Justin immediately turns serious again.

"Don't say it. I know. Trust me I...I know because I feel the same way." I place my hand on his lips and watch as his eyes widen.

"No berry, you don't understand...I..."

"Just kiss me Ju." I coo, smiling at his stunned expression.

"Wh...what?"

"Kiss me crazy man." I giggle.

"I'm not craz..." Not giving him a chance to finish his statement, I rush up to him and plant my lips firmly against his own, knocking him off balance.

Squealing, I feel him grip my waist tightly as he rolls unto his back, pulling me on top of him. Relaxing against his hold, I move my hands up to his hair, fiddling with his small curls as we continue to kiss deeply. He doesn't waste any time and plunges his tongue deep within my depths while groping me. Shit, this is so wrong but I'm not complaining. Wait, why aren't I complaining?

"Mmm...Ju...I'll crush you." I mutter, against his soft, moist lips. Damn, he tastes good. I don't remember him tasting this good.

"Shut up berry." He mumbles, snaking his hands under my t-shirt to my bare back. Inhaling deeply, he moves his hands up the bare of my back as I fight to control my breathing.

"But Ju..."

"Shut up Zara..." He hisses, moving his hands down to my legs, pulling them apart so I'm straddling his waist.

"Justinnnn..." Cutting me off, he sucks in my bottom lip, growling loudly before he flips us over.

Now hovering on top, Justin nestles himself between my legs, as his hands begin to roam. Wow, this is...how did we get to this point? I'm confused. No, no I'm not. I want this. I want him so bad right now. I...I need him. I need to feel him I just...shit.

Gasping, my eyes shoot open and all my clouded thoughts are cleared when I feel his large bare hand massaging my breasts through my shirt. "Ju..."

Breaking our lip-lock, be pauses to look at me. I swear his eyes are the most beautiful, hypnotizing thing. And they're staring back at me with so much desire and lust.

Sighing, he rests his forehead against mine. "You want me to stop?" he asks in a deep raspy groan.

"No!" Who said that? Was that me? Because we should stop before this gets out of hand. But, my body is betraying me. I mean, we're out here laying underneath the stars on this huge soft blanket in his yard, in the dark, away from all other life forms and...fuck it. "No don't stop." I whisper.

"Are you sure?" I think his eyes just popped out of their sockets. He wasn't expecting me to say that. Hell, I wasn't expecting to say that. But I don't care anymore. I'm not going to hold back and deny what we've both been craving and longing for. Oh man, this is something unexpected, that's for sure. I'm becoming really nervous right now and immensely self conscious. I don't want him seeing all my flaws.

"Berry I..." Drifting off, he leans down to place butterfly kisses along my neck and I instantly shut my eyes. Shit, that feels so good. His lips are like magic. I wonder what else they could do. "I want you so much...are you sure?" He asks again, pressing his lower half firmly against my center. My breath catches in my throat when I feel how rock hard and ready he is. Oh boy, can I really go through with this? I'm...I'm not sure.

Lifting his head to look at me when I don't respond, he smiles widely, caressing the side of my face gently as he examines my wound. "You know I'd never intentionally hurt you right? And I'm sorry for all the times I have in the past." He explains and I nod, swallowing harshly. I think I'm just about ready to pass out from the amount of heat radiating between us.

"Ju I..."

"What?" He inquires, lifting my shirt over my stomach. Diverting his attention elsewhere, I can hear his rugged breathing as his fingers begin to play with my navel ring, massaging the flesh of my stomach.

"Oh my god." I moan, when he leans down and starts placing light kisses up and down my stomach, flicking my navel ring with his tongue. "Oh god." Arching my back he holds unto my waist, keeping me in place as he continues his torturous actions. I can't take this anymore...

"Ju!" I snap desperately, gripping his face and yanking him up towards me. Kissing him roughly, I pull away to see the amusement and mischief twinkling in his eyes. But, nothing can top the priceless expression on his face when, I finally whisper what I've been fighting with myself to voice out loud for some time now. "Make love to me Justin..."

****

Quote by: Barbara De Angelis