Next day....

At Justin's....

September...Early Friday Morning...

Orlando, FL

Be Without You

"I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know."

What the fuck is that noise? Shit, it's annoying as fuck and pissing me off. Groaning, I roll over unto my back breathing heavily.

"Ju! Wake the hell up!"

Oh that annoyance is Zara? What the fuck does she want? Can't she see I'm trying to sleep here?

Mumbling some incoherent profanities not even I can understand, I place my arms over my face trying to fall back asleep.

"Ju!" Zara giggles, poking at my bare side.

She's not going to let up is she? Shit, we stayed up whole night ‘working out' if you get me. I'm tired; I need more sleep to recuperate. Damn it...women are so frustrating sometimes.

"What!?" I snap harshly. I'm not a morning person. She needs to learn to never wake me up unless it's a life or death situation. "Are you sick, is someone dying?" I ask, with my eyes still closed.

I feel her tense next to me and I can almost bet she's giving me one of those ‘he's crazy' looks. "No. Why?" She's so cute and her innocence is sometimes sweet. But I really don't want to wake up right now.

"Unless any of those things are happening, I'm not waking up." I mutter, rolling unto my side.

"Ju! You are crazy..."

See? I told you she was thinking I'm psycho or something.

"Wake up!" She yells, shaking me roughly. Moving unto my back again, I crack one of my eyes open to get a glimpse of her. She's sitting Indian style, facing me with a large smile on her face. I hate cherry morning people. No one should be happy fresh out of sleep damn it. But she looks amazing, with her curly hair flying all over the place and she's dressed in my t-shirt that's swallowing her and my boxers. She's too adorable.

Breaking out into a smile, I huff a bit at her. "What time is it?" I inquire.

"Some time after six." She replies unfazed.

"What?!" Is she fucking serious? The sun isn't even out yet. Fuck me! "Ok, it's still night! What the hell berry? Go back to sleep." Closing my eyes fully again, I hear her let out a snort.

"No it's not. It's morning Justin. Don't you have to head to the office?" She enquires but I don't answer. I couldn't be bothered really. I was sort of hoping to spend the day with her today.

"Justinnnnnnnn....."

She has a death wish with her scratchy whining. She knows I hate that shit.

Ignoring her, I deepen my breathing fighting to control my irritation.

"Justinnnnnnnn...."

Still ignoring her.

"JUSTINNNNNNNN...."

"Oh my fucking god Zara!" I scream, shooting out of the bed and hitting her with the pillow before I lunge at her. "You are so fucking annoying!" I laugh, placing my hands on her waist before I begin tickling her mercilessly.

"Ahhhh....stop Ju! Ah!" She belts, squirming under my hold.

"Say uncle." I reply smartly, still tickling her sides. She's so ticklish. It's hilarious.

"Ah! Oh my god! I'll pee my pants...stop!" She breaks out through laughs mixed with sobs.

"Say uncle." I retort not letting up. I've fully straddled her waist. She's not going anywhere.

"Ok! Uncle! I give up I can't breathe." She giggles, sucking in air when I stop my actions. Looking down at her I smile triumphantly.

"That wasn't so bad was it?" I ask coyly and she flips me the bird still panting from loss of breath. "Don't make me bite that finger off girl. You're so rude." I chuckle and she smiles at me before I lean down to place a kiss on her chocolate lips. "Mmm...You taste delish." I mutter against her lips.

"Ju! Stop! You have work today and I'm hungry. If you continue we'll never leave this room." She pushes at my bare chest but I'm too engrossed with kissing and feeling her up right now. Early morning sex is the best. Right now, I'm mentally calculating how long we'll need to pull it off before I have to head into the shower.

"That's the idea woman. Come on berry. You know you want to." I coax her, now nibbling lightly on her neck.

"Uhhh...yes I do but we can't. I need to get home. Malcolm maybe called the whole Orlando police force to search for me when I didn't come home last night and Jeremy...." She trails off when I freeze solid on top of her. She should know better than to say that asshole's name around me after what he did to her. I most definitely will be having a talk with him.

"What about gym boy?" I sneer, moving off her and getting completely off the bed.

"I'm sorry Ju. I...I still have to deal with him you know?" She tries to reason, but I don't want to hear any of it.

"Whatever." I walk into my wardrobe, looking for a change of clothes. It's not long before I feel Zara wrap her arms around my waist from behind. Looking at me through the tall mirror, she grips the waistband of my boxers, lifting it higher up over my waist, before she places a soft kiss on the angel tattoo covering my freckled back.

"What's wrong Ju?" Her eyes are so deep and she has this pensive expression on her face.

Turning around, I pass my hands through her curly locks, bending my head to capture her sweet lips again briefly. Inhaling deeply, I tell her exactly what's on my mind. "I want you to break up with Jeremy." I voice.

"What? I...I can't." She backs away from me with a frown on her face. That's not the reaction I expected. I thought she would be thrilled I was stating my true feelings.

"Why not Zara? We've established how we feel for each other and after what happened last night..."

"What happened last night? No Justin! It was just sex. I...I can't break up with him. It's not that simple! I've told you this."

Hold up, just sex? What the fuck? It wasn't just sex. "Jahzara..." I move closer to her but she backs all the way out of the wardrobe.

"No Justin! Stop it. You have no idea what I'm going through. I can't be with you Justin." She screams. Am I missing something again? She tells me I'm bi-polar but I think she has that trait more than I do.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I follow her out, tossing some clothes unto a nearby chair.

"Ju..." Zara sighs, wiping at her face roughly. "I should go."

"What? No!"

"You have work and I need to get home so Malcolm doesn't have a heart attack. I need to find out if Jeremy is ok too."

And my blood just began to boil again. "Why berry?! Why does it always come back to that asshole? He hurt you, not the other way around. I'm sure he's ok!" I state matter-of-factly.

"He was a mess when I left Justin. I don't know if he did something stupid or..."

"Just shut the fuck up Jahzara! God!" I raise my hand to my growing hair, pulling at it a little. She's driving me crazy. She's fucking driving me up the wall! How and when did I allow her to have this much power over me? "Did nothing that happened last night mean anything to you?" I need to know. I need to know for my fucking sanity. How can she be thinking about Jeremy after what we shared?

Blinking slowly, she moves away from me, gathering a few of her things around the room. "I'm going."

"Not until you answer me." Gripping her hand, I spin her around and she shoots me an evil glare.

"Just leave me alone...Just accept you and I can never be together. There are too many factors against that happening."

I didn't just hear her say that. I'm going to ignore that.

"Why is it so hard to answer that question huh Zara? I mean, I practically placed my heart on the line. I fucking told you I loved you and you did and said nothing about it. Now, I can understand that maybe you're scared so, I'm not making a big scene but why can't you fucking answer me? Answer me berry. It's a simple yes or no question!" I shout. I know my eyes are maybe blazing because she's looking at me timidly.

"You're hurting me." She cries out and I immediately let go of her. I don't want to be like Jeremy. I would never hurt her like he did. Yet she wants to go back to him. Why?

"Answer me. Did you feel anything at all? It wasn't just sex berry. It meant a whole lot more to me." I explain, calming down a bit.

"Justin..."

"Answer me Damn it! I need to know!"

"Fine! You want to know what it was? It was just sex Justin! It meant nothing! Nothing! I was upset; I was angry because of what happened between me and Jeremy. I used you as a release ok? I used you because you were available and I was furious at my boyfriend. He's still my boyfriend Justin! Or did you forget that. You shouldn't talk when you have Mallory. I don't see you breaking up with her. God! You are so frustrating! I felt nothing ok? Happy now? And I don't love you either...so get over yourself." Zara spits out and instantly covers her mouth with her hand as her eyes grow wide with shock over her ranting. I guess it doesn't matter to say that I would kick Mallory to the curb in a heartbeat for her if she asked me to.

Is it me or did the room just become immensely small and congested? I think I just stopped breathing too. Trying to gather my bearings, I stumble back a bit away from her, as I feel a burning pain rise from my stomach to my chest. Shit, I think I'm going to be sick. What's happening to me?

"Justin..."

Shaking my head rapidly, I continue to back away from her and towards the bathroom in complete silence. She...she didn't just say what she did. She couldn't have. This is Zara...she's my sweet strawberry. She would never say those things to me. Oh god.

"Ju..."

Still shaking my head, I inhale through my mouth as I feel my entire core shake. Fuck...fuck...fuck! Groaning loudly, I blink a few times, suddenly tasting the salty sweetness of my tears. Shit...fuck! I don't ever fucking cry. Touching my eyes in astonishment, I blink again feeling a few more tears slide down my cheeks.

"Oh my god...Justin...I'm sorry...I..." Zara moves towards me and I can see her eyes glistening with unshed tears but I don't feel any remorse for her. She just stabbed me in the fucking heart. She deserves to feel bad about it.

"Get out." I whisper in a shaky tone. I can't be around her. I won't be held responsible for my actions. I need to get to the office today since we won't be spending any time together like I planned.

"What? No Ju. I didn't mean it like that; I'm just scar..."

"Get the fuck out Jahzara! Now!" I scream at the top of my lungs. My voice booms off the walls of my room frightening the both of us. Zara jumps and quickly creates space between us, as she grabs her shoes, heading for my room door.

I hear her whimper before she turns to look at me, opening the door in the process. "Ju, I don't..." Sighing, she sobers up, gripping my door handle tightly. "I'm so sorry. But maybe things are better this way." And with that, she walks out the door slamming it shut and taking my heart with her.

I'm still standing by my bathroom when I hear her Celica come to life and speed out of my driveway, disappearing down the streets of my neighborhood. What the fuck just really happened?

"Shit..." And just like that, for the first time in years, my fucking walls crumble and I cry.

I'm actually crying, gasping for air.

Walking into my bathroom, I slam the door so hard, the cabinet mirror cracks and all the condiments are tumbling out, falling into the sink and onto the bathroom floor.

Dropping unceremoniously unto the closed toilet lid, I place my face in my hands feeling my shoulders tremble as I fight to control the water works. God, I'm a fucking pussy. I'm a fucking pansy. She's destroying me. She's fucking ripping me to shreds. I can't play this game with her anymore.

Flashes of last night pop into my head and I battle to clear my thoughts of Zara. How the fuck can I work beside her now?

"Fuck!"

****

Hours later...

"What have I done? What have I done?"

That's all I've managed to get out since I've been home today. Thankfully, Malcolm guessed I might have stayed the night at Jeremy's so he said he wasn't worried. That means, Jeremy never came here looking for me. That's kind of disappointing. I thought after what he did, he'd be breaking down doors to get to me and apologize. Maybe he's afraid of what Malcolm would do to him. My brother is pretty intimidating. But, I would never admit to Malky that Jeremy and I got into a fight and I spent the night at Justin's. He'd flip. Plus, I hid my bruise with a ton of makeup so it's almost non-existent. There is just a light shadow of it but nothing too alarming to grasp Malcolm's attention.

Still, I've been in this house the entire day crying to myself. I only saw Malcolm briefly when I got home this morning. He had to run to work since he was late for his shift. I got a quick kiss on the forehead and he stated we'd have our movie night tonight when he got home. So, there was no time for him to notice something was terribly wrong with me.

"What have I done? Damn it!" Taking out my frustration on the poor pillow, I jump from my bed shedding my clothes in one swift motion. I kept the t-shirt and boxers I slept in on me whole day. It was my only way of being close to Ju. I can't believe I said those terrible things to him. I know I've said I keep people at a distance to save myself from being hurt, but I think I kicked him out of my life with this one.

And the sad part is, I didn't mean any of it. He put me on the spot and I panicked. I freaked out. I lashed out at him because everything he said was true. He's so right. It wasn't just sex. It meant so much more. But I'm scared. I'm so scared he'll hurt me that I ended up hurting him instead. When I saw him crying, in front of me, I knew it was serious. I was so shocked. I've never seen Justin cry before. And yet, there was so much anger and resentment in his eyes. I think I might have broken his heart.

I'm such a terrible person. I'm so terrible. I don't deserve happiness. I'm just worthless. If it wasn't for Malcolm, I don't know what I'd do. I just feel depressed and...and maybe I need my pills. I haven't taken them in a while.

Dragging myself into the bathroom, I look at my nakedness in the mirror. Crinkling my nose in disgust and disapproval, I open the cabinet, pulling out the small bottle, and twisting the cap off before I toss two pills to the back of my throat. Nearly gagging in the process, I wrap a long, white robe around my body and amble into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, I grab a beer and open it, taking a few large gulps to wash down the pills. Mixing pills and alcohol? Not the smartest idea, but I don't give a fuck right now. I just broke the one man I've been daydreaming about being mine over the last year plus. When I finally got him, I had to go and fuck everything up.

I still can't believe Justin told me he loved me though. I wanted to scream, cry, laugh and jump for joy all at the same time. I felt like it was a fucked up dream just taunting me because our love could never exist. He knows that. He fucking knows that so, why did he have to say those words to me? God, I know I love him too. If I didn't I wouldn't be beating up myself right now, but we can't be. We just, we can't. We'd never survive it with his lifestyle. Shit, I begin work again on Monday too. This is going to be odd.

Finishing off the beer, I go for another one in Malcolm's stash but halt my actions when I hear loud banging on my front door.

"Who's that?" I question, walking over to the source of the noise. Tightening the robe around my body, I walk out of the kitchen and into our small living room, swinging the apartment door open.

I'm pushed to the side when a frantic Trace storms right in, not giving me a chance to even get out of the way. "Trace?" I state a bit stunned. How did he know where I lived and more importantly, what is he doing here? I haven't seen him since the night we landed back in Orlando.

"What did you do to him?" He snaps at me. Oh great, I should have expected this.

"What?"

"Justin. What happened between you two? I was just at his house and do you know the only words he uttered to me?" Trace asks, taking a seat on my couch, making him self at home.

Oh no, do I even want to divulge in this conversation? "What did he say?" I whisper, shutting my eyes.

"He said, and I quote, ‘I can't be without her Trace. It fucking hurts man.' That's what he said Jahzara, before he hopped into his Mercedes and disappeared god knows where. I haven't seen him this distraught in years. He didn't go to work today either. So, tell me what the fuck happened?" Trace is angry with me. I can tell by his tone and I feel horrible. I really hurt Ju. And there's nothing I can do to take it back. But maybe it's best this way. If we're apart. I don't know. I'm confused again.

Trace needs to leave before my brother gets home. I don't want any drama. I'm not telling Malcolm anything more until I can straighten this out myself. Besides, our traditional Friday movie night will help me forget about things for a while.

Sucking up my nerves, I decide to start from my fight with Jeremy last night to how it led me to Justin's door step, to us making love in the pool and then in his bedroom for hours on end. It really was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had in my life. I'm hoping when I'm done with my story, Trace won't completely hate me, but I can only hope.

****

Later Friday Night...

Parking my Mercedes and shutting off the engine, I look out at the lights shinning through the windows of the condo. I have no idea why I'm here but, I need to get this off my chest and over with. Opening the door, I step out, locking my car and turning on the alarm. Rubbing my hands together, I fiddle with my hard rock café t-shirt, and fix the belt in my jeans.

Stepping up to the entrance of the condominium, I feel my phone vibrate on my side. Looking down at the caller Id, I realize it's Mallory. Groaning, I grab the device, shutting it off entirely. I'll deal with her later.

Climbing the steps two at a time, I finally reach the front door, hearing what seems to be laughing on the other side. Frowning in confusion, I can distinguish at least two female voices and two males, one being Jeremy's. That inconsiderate prick. I know he's not throwing a party after what he did to berry.

Wanting to get things over with, I bang on the door loudly, since they have music playing.

Seconds later, the door swings open and I'm greeted with an unfamiliar man. He's a few inches shorter than me with auburn hair and some conniving green eyes. I dislike him already and I don't even know the fucker.

"Who's at the door?" I hear Jeremy ask, before he comes into view with a woman hanging on his arm giggling manically. Crunching up my nose in disgust, I look over at him. The girl is clearly high on something. And Jeremy looks stoned himself. This is the pussy ass bastard Zara wants to be with over me? Feeling my anger slowly rising, I clench my fist tightly to calm myself.

"I don't know." The fucker responds, before Jeremy pushes him out of the way with the same slut hanging unto him like a vice.

"Justin? What the hell are you doing here?" He inquires cockily, narrowing his eyes at me. If that bitch knew what was good for him he'd not test me right now. "Is Zara with you?" He enquires bitterly, looking over my shoulder.

"No." I state flatly. "After that bruise you put on her face, why would she want anything to do with you?" I enforce blankly. His eyes grow wide with shock. Guess he didn't think I knew. Asshole.

Whispering something to the red head, she giggles and moves away from Jeremy, disappearing into the house. I watch her retreating form, grimacing a bit. If Zara knew Jeremy was here having a ball of a time after what she went through, she'd hate him for sure. I almost feel compelled to tell her and watch her heart break, but I'm not that callous. I think I'll just turn the blind eye to this one. I have other things to worry about; like not pummeling this dickhead into the pavement if he doesn't stop gawking at me.

"Why the fuck are you here Justin? Are you tired of fucking my girl already?" He gives me a smirk. If that bitch only knew. I don't know what he's doing, but he's a bad influence on berry. She wasn't like this until she got with him.

Bowing my head in thought, I look up at him with a challenging, sinister smile. "You know why I'm here."

"No Justin. Enlighten me." He snaps, stepping out of the doorway and shutting the door behind him.

Folding my arms across my chest, I take a step towards him, keeping his intense gaze. If there is one thing I never back out of, it's a challenge. And this is one little competition that bastard is going to lose. I'll be damned if it turns out any other way.

Grinning at him slyly, I shrug, taking in my surroundings before I divert my attention back to him. "We need to have a little chat Jeremy."

****

Quote by: Unknown