One month later....

October... Monday Afternoon...

Tennman Records

Orlando, FL

How Do I Breathe

"One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else. For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."

"Tennman Records, this is Jahzara speaking how may I help you?" Clenching the phone in my hands, I sigh sadly hoping whoever is on the other end won't hear my distress. Listening to the person on the line intently, I transfer the customer to public relations before I place the phone back on the receiver, inhaling sharply.

Looking around at my spacious, plush office, I inwardly scowl. I hate this. I actually got my own couch in here and everything like Justin's office. But, even my new working environment won't fill the void in my heart. My new salary and new found career won't take away the emptiness I feel. I miss him. I miss Justin. It's been a little over a month. And guess what? I haven't seen or spoken to him in any of that time. He didn't just kick me out of his house a month ago, but out of his life as well.

The day after I spoke to Trace about the terrible argument Justin and I had, he called and apologized for barging into my apartment. He was sad, and angry I broke his best friend's heart but I think he understood me in a way I know Justin never could. Jeremy also called me later that night begging for my forgiveness. I'm not sure what came over him but he almost seemed terrified of something. I've also heard rumors that Justin confronted him but Jeremy won't justify them and Justin isn't around. I'm a little scared to find out what went down between those two. Whatever it was, Jeremy and I made back that night. I thought if Jeremy and I were ok, I could maybe build the courage to break things off with him and make up with Justin but, I was wrong. Because when I tried to get a hold of Ju the next day, I was unsuccessful. Desperate to make things right with him, I went over to Trace's hoping he could tell me where Justin was.

I think a part of me emotionally died that day when Trace looked at me with this sympathetic smile, not even wanting to let me into his home. "He's gone." He told me coldly and I nearly fainted by that statement. I was ready for the worse, but not what Trace was about to admit. "What do you mean he's gone?" I asked angrily. No, Justin was supposed to wait for me to come back. He should have known I would always come back, damn it. "He left; he's gone Zar-bear. I have no idea where he went, but he packed some shit and left." Trace explained and at that moment my heart sank to my feet.

Justin, he just...vanished, disappeared off the face of the earth. Not even Trace knows where he is. The only person who knows Justin's location is his mother and she won't even tell Johnny Wright, Justin's manager his whereabouts. Lynn stated her son needed this time to himself and his health came first. Now you know I'm panicking, wondering if he's sick, but I think I'm his illness and it's not physical. But shit, it's serious if Justin could just uproot himself from his career and life with no warning to the people around him. They're going crazy trying to cover for him and take over at Tennman.

The entire fucking industry and Jive are throwing tantrums, demanding the return of their superstar. But, if I know Ju, he doesn't care about any of that. He won't return unless he's fully ready. I blame myself for everyone's problems at Jive and Tennman. I caused this. I, I pushed him away. Maybe he's trying to mend his heart, or soul. I know I'm trying, but it's been a tough month without him. However, I can't dwell on this. Justin clearly doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Like I've stated, it's what's best, I guess. I'm not sure anymore. I know if given the chance, I'll not rest until things are right between us again. It's the least I can do for the mess I've caused.

I miss his smile, his laugh, his voice, his cute facial expressions, the way he'd always call me berry, his craziness and the sweet little things he'd do or say to me. I miss everything about him. I miss his kiss, and his touch and I just, I just wish we could have another amazing night together.

I'm a mess. I don't even feel right with Jer anymore. We haven't fought since that faithful night, but sometimes I wish we would. That would give me a reason to leave him and never look back or dwell on the guilt that I'm in love with another man who will never fully be mine. The night I slept with Justin - it was all over. I'll never feel satisfied with any other man unless it's Justin filling me up just right again. Sex with Jeremy is like a routine now and it shouldn't be. We've only been seeing each other for a few months but still, no one but Justin can quench this insatiable thirst I have.

I need to stop doing this to myself. I, I have a job to do...I can't keep doing this. I need, I need to...

"I hate him! Where the hell is he?"

Ripping my eyes away from the stack of papers on my desk, I glance up at a crying Yolanda. Oh no, what happened now? She just barged into my office without knocking and she's all hysterical.

"What's wrong Yol?" I ask out of concern. We've built quite a bond over the past month when Justin walked out on everyone. I'm the only one keeping her career afloat right now. So, it's tough on me but I'm dealing with the planning and scheduling.

"Justin! I hate him! Where is he?" She sobs.

"You know Justin isn't here Yolanda."

"Well, why the hell not? When is he coming back? I need him." She whines, pushing some of her blonde hair out of her face.

"I don't know when he'll be back. Hopefully it's soon. I thought you hated him?" I smirk.

"I do! He hired the worse team of bodyguards for me ever! I can't do anything or go anywhere Zara! They're so strict! It's not fair! And my new Personal trainer is the devil in disguise. He's so mean and uncaring. Jeremy never worked me like that. I miss Jeremy. This Blake guy is the biggest jerk ever! I hate him and Justin for hiring him! And all my studio times are fucked up too!" Yolanda vents.

Well, I've been dealing with these outbursts from her for weeks now. Everyone is on edge. I hate to say it, but Justin is the glue holding this business together. Without him, things are falling apart. I also failed to mention that he fired Jeremy. I'm not sure how or when it happened since he's been gone all this time, but Jeremy did inform me that he wasn't working for Yolanda anymore. He's gotten a new job though, dealing with a new artist signed to Universal so, he's good.

"Ok Yol. No use crying over spilled milk. I'll tell you what though. I'll get your studio times fixed up and what say me and you have a girls night this weekend? Just the two of us." I know she's still young and this business is getting to her. I think she just needs to unwind a bit.

"Really?" She asks excitedly, wiping at her tear stained cheeks.

"Really girl." I smile at her.

"Ok! Does Friday sound good? You can sleep over at my place and head back home the next day."

"That's fine Yol. Whatever makes you feel better, I'm here for you." I give her a reassuring hug. This might be good for me too. I could get my mind off the disaster that is my current life.

"Ok, I'm going to head out to the spa so I'll see you later. Bye Z!" She states cheerily, dashing out of my office and slamming the door behind her. Well that was easy. I wish everyone could be cheered up and forget about their problems like that. Yolanda makes it seem so simple but it's really not.

Reclaiming my seat at my desk, I begin fiddling with the silver charm bracelet on my wrist, smiling at the memory of the day Justin dragged me to the mall in LA to show me the infamous ‘Strawberry store'.

...Flashback...

"Berry I swear to you we are leaving now; you've gotten enough." Justin laughs, pulling me towards the entrance of the store with endless bags in all our hands including his bodyguards.

"Wait, no. One more thing." I giggle, as he keeps his grip around my arm still hauling me away.

"No! You're going to run me broke woman. Let's go!"

"One more thing Justin please?" I beg with pleading eyes. I really don't want anything. I just want to hang around for a bit.

Sighing with defeat, he lets me go, still smiling brightly. "Fine. But I liked it when you were panicking earlier and ready to bolt out of the store because you thought they didn't have your dress size." He jokes.

"Oh shut up." I hit him playfully, walking over to the display case.

"So, what's the one more thing?"

Scanning the items carefully, my eyes zoom in on a beautiful silver charm bracelet with chain links. "Oh, that's pretty." I coo, touching the glass case.

"You like it?" Justin enquires, coming up to my side to get a better look at the item.

"Of course it's nice but..." I stare at the price tag and frown. two grand for a fucking bracelet? Are you shitting me? Ok, so it's diamond encrusted and all, but still...

"Then it's yours." Justin states, signaling Ashley ‘the sales girl' over.

"What? No Justin it's too expensive I..."

"Don't you dare protest berry. Just let me do this." He warns.

Silencing me with his hand, he greets Ashley with a warm smile. "We'll take this one Ashley." Justin points to the object and I feel my heart skip a beat. He really shouldn't be doing all this for me.

"Great choice Mr. Timberlake" Ashley states, pulling out the bracelet from its display to wrap it up, and he nods in agreement with her.

All I can do is stand and watch in silence and awe. He's amazing. And I'm not just saying that because he's buying me jewelry. Justin is just...well he's Justin. He's something special that could never be duplicated. He truly is a rare catch. Too bad we can't be together though.

Finally getting everything I could think of purchasing in the store, we finally exit with mountains of bags, laughing up a storm when Mike trips over and nearly loses his balance. Mike just scoffs at us, ignoring the fact that Justin and I are laughing at his expense.

"So, did you have fun?" Justin asks as we make our way out the mall and to the parking lot with his bodyguards right at our side.

"I did." I smile at him. "Thank you for a great day Justin." I would kiss him right now, but we're out in public and our hands are kind of full.

Shaking his head, he grins without responding as we continue on our journey. There's no need to respond though. I think it's safe to say we're just enjoying this moment being in each other's company.

....End Flashback....

Sniffling a bit, my head snaps up and I clear my thoughts when I hear a knock on my office door.

Brushing down my grey and white pant suit, I fix my composure before I voice ‘enter.'

Watching the door ease open, I immediately break out into a smile when I see Jeffery Rush walk in, taking a seat on my leather couch.

"Hey girl. You know I need to get me one of these couches. They're so comfortable. So what's going on?" he asks, making himself at home on my office couch.

"Not much. Just finishing up some work to head home for the afternoon." I respond, stuffing some papers into my desk.

"Yolanda's got you busy huh?" He queries and I nod in response. "Ok, well how about we hang out and grab a bite to eat on our way home? We could catch up since things have been busy and everyone has been running around here with their heads cut off." He suggests, staring at me while awaiting a response.

"Sure. I'd like that. Just let me put these schedules in order and I'll be right with you." I explain.

"Take your time girl. I'm not going anywhere." Jeffery jokes, lying back on my couch and shutting his eyes. Ah good ole Jeffery. He's turning out to be a really great friend. Especially since I've been back on the job. He's like my own personal bodyguard against Mallory. He defends my honor non-stop when she tries to start confrontations with me. I thank my lucky stars for Jeffery. He's a godsend.

A few minutes later, I'm done with my work and packing up my belongings before Jeffery escorts me out of my office. Locking up, we make our way down the hall, passing Justin's vacant office on our way to the elevators.

Suddenly, I feel like crawling into a hole away from all civilization. I really hope Justin comes home soon. I really do want to make things right between us. I can't stand to be away from him like this. I need him. As selfish as I've been, I still need him and he's still my Ju.

****

Days later...Somewhere up north...

This is the life. Sometimes, I'm a little disappointed that this can't last forever and I'll eventually have to return to my crazy, hectic existence. Living in the mountains is really amazing though. I bought this log cabin years ago when I was dating Britney. Fortunately, she never knew about it. No one did except my mom. I was actually looking for vacation spots and this place grasped my attention. A few days later, I was up here looking at real estate and picked out this cozy log cabin overlooking the mountains, lakes and dense forests. It's so peaceful out here and away from all human life. That's the best part about this spot. No one can find me up here. It's my own private getaway spot.

I've never shared it with anyone, not even Trace. There was a time when I felt like Zara was as close as they came but I was wrong. I still don't understand how I could have been so wrong about her. I know I'm not the best person. In fact, on a normal basis, I'm the biggest jerk you'd find. I don't care much about people liking me. I care about getting whatever needs to be done, accomplished in the least possible time. That doesn't only apply to my work, but also my life on a whole. There's no room for slip ups in the entertainment industry. It could cost you a shit load of money if any mishaps took place.

But back to my reason for being here. It's no surprise that Jahzara is the main factor in my ‘runaway' antics. It's what I did obviously. I was too chicken, too heartbroken, too much of a soft sap to stay and deal with my demons. I still can't believe I'm here. How did I get here? I can't believe that this has become my life. I, Justin Timberlake am in love with a woman that might never be mine. It's sad, because it started out fucked up, so I guess that's the only way it could end right? I guess that's life for you. Ever realized that we don't care what life throws at us as long as we're happy with it? But, when things aren't working out our way, life suddenly becomes unfair.

I mean, I'm not going anywhere. My life is at a stand still for as long as I allow it to be. I have all the time in the world right now as I sit on my porch in my rocking chair, staring off at the scenery. Ah, mother nature at her best. I love the serenity of the place. I can hear the bristling of the leaves in the wind and the calmness is like a soft, silent lullaby urging me to fall asleep right in this very spot. Too bad Zara won't give my thoughts a break to regain my normal eating and sleeping patterns. I've been here for a month and the most sleep I've gotten in a single night, is four hours with no interruptions. Sad right? I think out of all the drama that has been my life for the past few months, the scariest part is feeling like not having Zara in my life the way I want her to be will destroy me. It's almost like I need her to function. It's like, it's like...sighing, I rub at my growing beard trying to make some sense of my feelings and thought processes.

Ok, I've got it figured out. It's like I'm craving her, needing her in the way I need air to fill my lungs. You get what I'm saying? I can't stop breathing. If I do I'll surely die. Air is a necessity, and berry well, she's dangerously close in importance. Did any of that make sense? I think I'm suffering from temporary insanity due to seclusion and isolation from the outside world. I bet you're wondering, maybe dying to know what happened between me and Jeremy the night I showed up at his house. Honestly, he's the last person I want to talk about right now. You'll find out in due time, that I'm certain of. But right now, I'm trying to figure out how on this fucking green earth could I compare Jahzara to my necessity for air in order to stay alive. This is some fucked up shit. This realization is making things all the more difficult for me to deal with.

How do I breathe
How do I breathe
Feels so different being here
I'm so used to being next to you
Life for me is not the same
There's no-one to talk to
Don't know why I let it go too far
Starting over it's so hard

Seems like everywhere I try to go
I keep thinking of you

Shit, I'm in love with my fucking employee; an employee that I would never give a second glance to had it been just a few months ago. I hate time. Time is a bitch. Time changes everything. I need to stop thinking about her. She royally fucked me up. She broke my heart. She's the reason why I'm up here in fucking ‘Tim-buck 2'. She's the reason why I'm sitting out here by myself, on the verge of fucking tears because I'm too coward to deal with my problems; Because, I wore my heart on my sleeve which I never do; Because I'm a fucking dramatic idiot and maybe taking everything to heart and too seriously. But you know what? I still love her. It won't go away. I can't shake it. It's stuck with me. It all happened suddenly but I don't care. Sill, I'm the one that pushed her out of my life because I wasn't ready to fight for her. Even if I admitted my feelings, I wasn't ready to prove to her how much I truly cared and just what I'd do to make her mine and keep her.

I just had a wakeup call
Wishing that I never let you fall
Baby your not to blame at all
When I'm the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I care
You never would've went nowhere
Girl I should have been right there

For anyone who's loved someone and the person didn't love you back or you couldn't be with that person, it's one of the most fucked up feelings in the world. It can literally drive you crazy if you're not strong enough. I'd like to think I'm strong enough. That's why I'm here. It's a healing remedy for me. Yeah, this is my way of healing. I'll be back to myself and my life in no time, with a new attitude and outlook on things. But it's hard. It's hard because I miss her terribly and I can't stand the thought of being right next to her, knowing I could never have her.

How do I breathe
Without you here by my side
How will I see
when Your love brought me to the light
Where do I go
When your hearts where I lay my head
When your not with me
How do I breathe
How do I breathe

And it's all because we decided to be stupid and play this fucked up game of cat and mouse. Now, Zara's with another man. He's a first class asshole might I add, and I'm stuck with a clingy, needy female who I'll be getting rid of no questions asked, when I return home. I refrained from firing Mallory but I can't live like this anymore. She has to go. It's an early new year's resolution. I'm getting rid of all the negatives in my life. If I can clean up my act, I'm pretty sure things could be bearable again. But there's one thing I know I'd never be able to bare; it's Zara in the arms of another man. I'll rip my eyes out if I have to.

Girl I'm losing my mind
Yes I made a mistake
Thought that you would be mine
Guess the joke was on me
I miss you so bad I cant sleep
I wish I knew where you could be
Another dude is replacing me
Girl this cant be happening

But, you know what? I'm tired of sitting out here. I'm becoming too engrossed in my thoughts. If I keep this up, I'll be popping anti-depressant pills.

I just had a wakeup call
Wishing that I never let you fall
Baby your not to blame at all
When I'm the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I care

You never would have went nowhere
Girl I should have been right there

Standing from my sitting position on my chair, I make my way into the cabin, turning on the yellow lights as I walk further into the living room. Looking around at the simple décor that consists of everything wooden and vanished, I plop down on a nearby sofa, pulling my cell phone out of my pocket. Glaring at it like it's going to burst into flames at any second, I flip it open, hitting the power button and holding my breath in the process. It's the only connection I have to the world around me and this is the first time I've switched on that device since I've been here.

I cant get over you no
Baby I don't wanna let go
Girl you need to come home
Back to me
Cause girl you made it hard to breathe
When your not with me

My phone instantly beeps, showing that I have over a hundred messages. Oh, this can't be good. This is bad. I'm almost betting Trace, Jive and Johnny have been trying to get a hold of me as well as Tennman executives and employees. Hmm, I wonder if Zara ever tried reaching me. Not like it would matter but I can't help but wonder. I'll scan through the messages later though.

Ignoring the fact that my voicemail inbox is overloaded and my text message inbox is full, I hit speed dial, leaning forward to turn on the little makeshift radio in the living room. It's too quiet in here. Sometimes, the silence can be deafening. A little music would be a good change of pace.

Keeping the phone to my ears, I turn up the radio, trying to grasp the track and lyrics filtering through on the only accessible radio station up here. Lucky me. Ending the call, I pause briefly to listen to the song being played. I've finally identified it and my face instantly creases into a frown from disapproval. What are these people mind readers? I'm beginning to hate listening to the radio. There is always some fucked up track playing that toys with my mood. Now, I had to be greeted with Mario. It's fucking ironic if you ask me.

Tell me
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side
How will I see
When Your love brought me to the light
Where do I go
When your hearts where I laid my head
When your not with me
How do I breathe
How do I breathe....

Scoffing, I pull out the plug of the radio from the socket without thinking. Ok, I could have fucked it up by doing that but, at least I got the blasted thing turned off. Diverting my attention elsewhere, I hit the speed dial on my phone once again, praying that someone picks up this time. Looking down at my cotton pants and navy blue t-shirt, I laugh to myself at how pathetic I am. I've worn that attire the past two days in a row without taking a shower. Yeah, I feel nasty right now. That's very unhygienic of me. I'll definitely be taking a long, hot shower in a few minutes. But, right after I end this call.

"Hello? Justin baby is that you?"

My entire mood lifts up from its current obscurity when I hear my mother's warm voice over the line.

"Hey Ma. What took you so long?" I ask, happy to be interacting with another person at this moment.

"I'm so sorry. I was out taking in the laundry and missed your call. I was going to call back but you beat me to it." She laughs and I chuckle lightly. Her southern twang sounds like heaven to me.

"Oh, well that's good. How's dad and everyone?" I inquire. I feel like I've been living on another planet.

"Everyone is fine. We're all worried about you though. How are you doing sweetie? Took all the time you needed to get everything that's been bothering you out of your system?"

How do I answer that question? Zara is far from being out of my system. In case you were wondering, my mom doesn't know about everything that's happened between Zara and me. I just, no time ever seems to be perfect enough to tell her. I'll tell her, just...not right now.

"Yeah, I feel much better." I half-lie. It's only part of a lie. I really do feel better, just not as much as I'm letting on.

"Ok baby that's good. I'm so happy you called. At least now I know you're alright. But you can't deny your responsibilities for much longer Justin. Everyone has been hounding me, trying to get a hold of you." She explains and I hear Paul's voice somewhere in the background. I miss home. Maybe my next getaway will be home...well I know it will be, for thanksgiving at least. I'm not sure how Christmas is stacking up this year, but I need some peach cobbler from my grandma. That's a given.

"I know Ma. That's actually why I called." I state.

"Oh?"

"Yeah." I smile, even though she can't see me as I rest back in my seat to get more comfortable. I can handle this now. I don't need to be here anymore. It was fun while it lasted but all good things come to an end...

"I think...well, I know...It's time to go home. So, I'm going back home Ma. I'll leave some time tomorrow. Just wanted you to be the first to know..."

****

Quotes by: Judy Garland, Unknown

Song credit: How do I Breathe by - Mario