Ashlynn
Don't think of this as a sob story. No, i haven't started using drugs, no, I haven't become an alcoholic. Nothing like that so if that's what you were expecting, sorry. It's been a while though huh? Almost eight months since I left Los Angeles. Almost eight months since I left Justin, and a little over eight months since I killed Tony. So I'm guessing that you wanna hear what I've been up to all this time. Frankly, not much. I moved to Long Beach not long after I left L.A. and um... I got a dog, her name is Emma. But other than that, I haven't really done anything. I should be thinking about getting a job or atleast call back my old firm since they want me to come back. But I'm kind of having a good time right now, not like, have a party good time but I like just being with myself. I've never really been alone with myself.
I have thought about my life though and everything that's happened over these last two years or so. What I thought about was not pretty, let me tell you that. I was so confused and broken back then, I could barely stand on my own to feet without someone there with an arm around me. That's not how I wanted my life to be and that's why I had to get out of there. Tony's re-appearance in my life solidified my low self-worth and then... when I, you know, that just fucked me all up. If I hadn't of left when I did, I would have went crazy or I would have killed myself. And neither of those options are great ones.
Leaving was hard though, leaving Justin was hard. Oh god, I hate thinking about him sometimes, sometimes it hurts more than others. I can only imagine the hate that he feels for me and everything that I put him though. I mean jesus, he watched me kill a man. He saw the last breath of a man, why did I expect him to act any other way then he did? Our last days together are still haunting ones but I doubt that he even thinks about me or our relationship anymore. He's probably got some pretty little young thing strapped on his hip now. If he does, good for him, I'd be happy for him if he found someone who could give him everything that he wants and deserves. That doesn't mean that I don't miss him sometimes, and that doesn't mean that I don't love him anymore. But I know that it's over and he deserves a fresh start.
So where does that leave me, you ask? Alone, well with Emma anyway. I talk to Olivia pretty much everyday but she keeps asking me to come back and I just can't do that right now. She drives up here like every other weekend, it feels good having her with me though. I guess it feels even better that she doesn't hate me for leaving her a note and leaving. She understands that I had to get away and I'll always love her for that. She still kinda talks to Trace on occaison but she says that he's really short with her and that he doesn't always have the nicest things to say about me. I understand that though, he's Justin's best friend and you know how that goes. Olivia tells me that I need to try and move on and meet some new guys and get out there. And i've tried a few times but the guy has always ended up being an idiot. And, of course, I've compared them to Justin so it just didn't work out. Dating really sucks nowadays.
That was really heavy, I know. But besides all of that negative stuff, I'm feeling pretty good about me right now. I don't have any baggage anymore partly due to my therapist but I've come to realize that I don't need someone else to validate me. I don't have to care about what people say to me, about me or what they think. I'm just doing me and that's okay. So I no longer have Tony's voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm no good. I'm no longer afraid to stand up for myself. It's kind of like a new me, and I like the new me. Jackie, that's my therapist, says that in order for me to get on with life, I have to say goodbye to the old one so that's why I'm outside right now. Oh damn, I forgot to tell you what I'm doing, typical me.
Okay so, I'm at the beach right now, with five roses and Emma at my side. I was instructed by Jackie to say goodbye to who/whatever and then throw the rose into the water so, I've finally gotten around to doing this. A gust of wind comes from the east and chills my skin but i've gotta do this. Emma jumps around and bounces around at my feet and I pat her on the head a few times.
"Okay Em, so this first flower is for my old self. I say goodbye to that old, sheltered, broken girl." I pick the first rose from the bunch and throw it out into the choppy, wavy water.
"This sencond flower is for my old life. Goodbye old life." Again, I throw out another rose.
"This third rose is for Anthony Williams. Goodbye to my monster forever." Another rose lands into the rough water.
"The fourth rose goes out to all of my old memories. No longer will these memories plague my thoughts and feelings. Goodbye."
I pause when I'm left with the last rose. I bring it up to my face and smell it, a slight smile tugs at the corners of my mouth when the sent hits my senses. I look down at Emma again and that little smile fades. I look back out at the water and the falling sun and say goodbye to the final rose.
"This fifth rose is for Justin Timberlake. I say goodbye to you so you and I can be free. I'll love you forever and always but I'll love you from afar. Goodbye Justin."
I throw the final rose into the water and watch them as they are carried out into the sea. As they vanish from my site, I start my way back up the beach and to my home. Just as I slide the patio doors shut, the phone starts to ring, filling the once quiet house. I jog over to the kitchen and grab the cordless phone off of it's cradle.
"Hello?"
"Hey girly."
"Oh hey Liv, how's it going?"
"Not bad. Is something wrong? You sound a little down."
"I just did my final exercise."
"Oh, the rose one?" She asks.
"Yeah. It felt good though, I feel like I'm clensed now."
"Hmm, that's good to hear Ash. I'm glad your finally back on track."
I smile at her kind words, "Thank you Livie. So, are you still coming to see me tomorrow?"
"I'll be there around six. And you know what, it'll be Friday night, me and you are going out so pick out an outfit girl."
She does this to me everytime and I keep telling her that I'm not ready to date. Do you think she cares, no, not a bit. But you gotta love her, she won't allow me to sit and wallow. Okay, so what do you think for tomorrow. Should I go with capris and heels or a dress with flats?
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Justin
How's it going? It's been a while huh? Ha. How have I been? Ah, you know, I've been okay, just taking it day by day. I moved a little while ago to a great new place on the beach, I really like it here and so does Marty. Um, Trace and I opened yet another car shop and the business is really booming nowadays, I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm single still but I'm trying to change that. What am I talking about, no I'm not. I haven't been able to even look at women the same way since... Ashlynn left. I'm just not really interested anymore; I don't want anybody but her.
Trace tells me that I need to snap out of it and quit thinking about her but can't just forget about her like that. I love her; we shared a life together, I just can't stop thinking about that. I try to understand her reasoning for leaving and I know that she needed to get her life together. God knows that I didn't make it any easier. I worry about her though; I can't help but think that something has happened to her or that she needs me in some way. I haven't heard from her now in um, like eight months and the days just drag on. If I could just talk to her again and let her know how sorry I am for my behavior during that last few weeks of our relationship and that I love every fiber of her body, I think I'd feel better. Even if we didn't get back together, I'd know that she didn't hate me and that's okay. Her happiness means more to me than anything, and if she's happier without me, then I'd have to deal with that.
But the feeling that I might see her again never goes away. When I go out, I find myself looking around and surveying people hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I listen intently to people's conversations, praying that maybe they know her and that they'll drop her name or her address or phone number or something. I've even thought about hiring somebody to track her down but that's kinda creepy, I wouldn't want to scare her anymore than she already is of me. But I never give up hope, I do believe that I will see her again. I still have her letter, I keep it in my wallet so I don't loose it. I feel close to her when I read it even though it's filled with heart ache and pain. I've got pictures of her and us all over my bedroom and in the bathroom so I never forget the good times. I like seeing her happy, makes me feel good that I made her happy for a little while.
Ha ha, I'm kinda pathetic, I know but this is what happens when you fall in love. Whoever said that love shouldn't hurt was lying and deserves to be shot. It does hurt and it should, love isn't love without hurt and pain. You know, I wonder if she thinks about me like I think about her. I wonder if she still cares even a little bit but I guess that's wishful thinking. She's most likely moved on by now and is with some other dude. She's so gorgeous, I guess I’m stupid for thinking that somebody hasn't snatched her up by now but I don't allow myself to think that deeply into it. Like I said earlier, I still carry that little hope around with me.
I look out the window and sigh a little bit as Marty runs in from the patio and nudges my hand with his head. He's gotten so damn big in the last couple months, he's starting to eat me out of house and home. He's my boy though, without him I would've thrown in the towel a long time ago, believe me. It smells like rain, I hate the damn rain. It's so friggen' depressing and I've already had my daily share of shitty-ness. I get up from the couch and shut the French doors that lead out to the patio and lock them. As soon as I do that the rain begins to fall and another deep sigh comes from my lips. I kinda feel like God hates me and is personally out to get me. He always make it rain on my shitty days. The ringing of my phone startles me and scold myself inwardly for being such a girl sometimes. I pick the phone up from it's holding place and answer it.
"Justin? Hey it's me Kim."
Her soft voice floats into my ears and I look into the corner of my living room, "Hey Kim, how's it going girl?"
"It's going okay. I was wondering if you were busy tonight? I'm all be myself and I was thinking that we could go see a movie or something."
Please don't look at me like that, I'll explain as soon I'm done with her, "I dunno. I'm kinda tired, I wouldn't be much fun tonight."
"Oh please? I feel like I haven't seen you in forever and I just need to let off some steam from work. Plus, I saw Trace today and he said that you've been working a lot too. Come on, it'll be fun. I'll cook dinner for you and we'll just stay in."
"I don't know-"
"Please Justin?"
The southern twang in her voice starts to take it's toll on me, "Okay, you can come over but you'd probably have more fun by yourself cuz I'm tired as hell."
"Oh hush up. Okay, I have to stop by the store and get stuff for dinner. I'll be there in like an hour."
"Okay, see you then." I say.
"Bu-bye."
Look, she came into the shop a like a month ago and Trace set us up and blah blah blah. No matter what excuse I come up with, she continues to push me until I say yes, she just won't give up. But sometimes her company is nice, she's really easy to talk to. I haven't told her a thing about Ashlynn or anything but I think that's why I can talk to her so easily. Because she doesn't know where all of this emotional shit comes from and I can kind of put up a front and have her not ask me a million question like Trace does. Don't get any ideas though, this is strictly a platonic relationship, you can tell that I am just not ready for something like that right now. Damn, now I gotta get in the shower and shave and put on some clothes that are descent. What do you think, a polo and khakis or a button-down with jeans? Fuck it, whatever my hand touches first is what I'm going with.
