Ashlynn
"I can't do this." I say, throwing the covers back and getting out of bed.
Chris goes to grab my arm but misses. I throw my jeans back onto my hips and rifle through his clothes to find my bra and shirt, "What are you doing?" He asks.
"I'm going for a walk."
He looks at the clock, "Right now? It's almost twelve o'clock."
"I know what time it is, thank you." I say moving about the room, "Fuck! Where are my shoes?" I say more to myself.
"Ashlynn." He sighs, rubbing his hand over his face, clearly stressed out about this situation.
"What Chris?"
"Why are you still stressing about this? I mean, it's been like four hours and you're still worked up."
"Well excuse me for being a little 'stressed out'. I only saw my ex-boyfriend who I walked out on, leaving him high and dry with a new girlfriend who, coincidentally, thinks I am Satan herself for trying to get him killed. Excuse the fuck outta me for being a little worked up." I say, finding my shoes and slipping them on.
"Wait a minute," He says while I try to walk out of the bedroom, "Wait a goddamn minute!" He yells, causing me to stop, "What bothers you more, seeing him or seeing him with someone else?"
My face contorts into a sarcastic expression, "What are you talking about? I don't give a flying fuck about that bitch."
"Well then why do you keep bringing her up?"
I put my hand up and shake my head, "You know what? I'm not going to listen to this shit, I don't need this. You could be a little understanding and try to calm me down but you just wanna start some bullshit with me."
I stalk out of the room and slam the door shut behind me. By time I'm closing the front door, I hear the bedroom door being opened. I sprint down the corridor and don't stop until the villa is just a little dot in the distance. I slow down to a walk, where in the hell am I going to go? I don't know shit about this place and it's fucking twelve o'clock. Damn, this is really fucked up. The first night we're here and boom, we're hit with a shit storm. Out of all of the fucking places we could be right now, we had to choose the same goddamn place that they were coming to. How is that for karma? I guess this is what I get for running all that time ago. You can never get away from your past, never.
After walking for what seems like forever, I happen upon that little Italian joint that we had dinner at. The place has long been closed but they left the patio tables and chairs out so why not pop a squat for awhile? I walk around the little building and take a seat at one of the tables, propping my feet up on the metal fence that separates the property and the sand. I sigh while looking out on the waves gently rolling in and how the water sparkles under the moonlight. A random dog starts to bay at the moon, the trees and bushes that surround the building rustle as the wind dances with the leaves. I close my eyes and let the subtle breeze whips through my hair and fills my lungs, calming me for a just a second. I open my eyes again and focus back out onto the water, the only peace I've received since running into Justin.
"Ashlynn?"
I jump and whip my head around to lay eyes on the one and only. I groan loudly and curse the heavens, "Fuck Justin, are you stalking me now?" I stand from my seat, pushing it harshly underneath the table.
"I'm not fucking stalking you. What are you doing out here so late?"
"Why is that any business of yours?" I ask.
Before he can answer, I try and side-step him to leave but he blocks my with his tall six-foot-one frame. I move to the left, but again, he blocks me. Becoming frustrated, I cross my arms over my chest and try my best not to make eye contact wit him, "Will you let me go?"
"No, not until you talk to me."
I laugh sarcastically, "I don't want to talk to you! Just let me go!"
I try to side-step him but for the third time, he stops me. In a split second decision, I turn around and jump over the metal barrier. I break off into a sprint, hearing him call my name. Damn it's hard to run in the sand and damn me for not putting on my sneakers. Before I can make it very far, his hand has grabbed onto my arm, slowing me to a stop and he whirls me around, "What is your problem?! I just want to talk to you!"
"Didn't you hear me the first time? I have NOTHING to say to you Justin! Nothing!" I start to walk away again but he grabs me.
"You have nothing to say? It's been eleven months since you walked away from me and you have nothing to say to me?"
I turn from him, putting my back to him, "No."
He sighs behind me, I hear him shift his weight from his one leg to the other; something he does when he gets upset, "I'm sorry about earlier, she shouldn't have said those things."
I shrug in response keeping my eyes glued on the water, "I don't know where it came from but she was, fuck, I don't know." He says.
I keep silent and he sighs again, "Fine, you don't have to talk to me but you are going to listen. I've tried really hard to get you off of my brain, really hard. And just as I think that you're gone, you reappear in my life. I'm trying to move on with Kim and I can't do that unless you know what I've gone through since you left me. You fucking ripped my heart out that day, do you know that? Ripped it out and stepped on it."
I turn back around to him, letting him see the tears that have welled up in my eyes, "You know what? I know I did you wrong, but you have no right telling her anything about me. You have no idea what goes on inside of my head. You can play the victim all you want Justin, you can blame me for everything in the world but I never once, asked for anything that happened to us. She has no right to judge me for what happen to you, none."
He looks away from me, "I know." He says softly.
"You better keep her away from me or I'll beat her down and you know I will." I pause for a few moments and then continue, "I know I hurt you and I know that you're still hurting over what happened those last few days. I'm sorry, I truly am. If I could take it back, I would. But I had to get out of there, I would've died if I had stayed. I'm happy for you in that you're trying to move on. So let me give you this so you don't have to think about me anymore."
I walk up to him and get up on my tip toes, like I had to do so many times before. I leave a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth, feeling his chest tense underneath my fingertips. I step back from him, but I'm still close enough to feel his hot breath on my skin. He stares down at me, his beautiful blue eyes sticking to my brown ones, no wanting to break the contact, "Goodbye Justin." I whisper.
His breathe catches in his throat as he watches me back away from him and start my walk back down the beach. I can feel his eyes on my back as I walk slowly, trying not to break down until I'm out of his hearing range. I turn back only once, seeing him still standing there, watching me. I fight the urges to run back to him, throw myself into his arms and tell him that I love him, and continue to walk away from him. The tears fall down my cheeks silently, blurring my vision. He's moved on, I can't ruin that for him. I've already done so much to him that he didn't deserve, he's finally gotten over me and I'm happy for him. I have to force myself that I love Chris, I have to force myself to not secretly believe that I'm making a mistake with him.
Awhile later, I walk quietly into the villa, closing the door softly so I don't wake Olivia or Braxton. I walk into the bedroom where Chris is asleep on top of the covers, his cellphone in his hand. I pull off my clothes numbly and climb into bed with him, wrapping myself in his arms. He wakes up and calls my name, pulling me closer to him and kissing my forehead. He tells me he's sorry for what he said to me and I start to cry. He has no idea why and he thinks it's because of him so he starts apologizing to me over and over and over again. I won't hurt him like I hurt Justin. I can't, he's too good to me. I have to force it, if I force it long enough, I'll start to love him...eventually, right? Chris falls asleep again, only after he thinks that I'm okay but I can't get sleep to come that easily. I stare out the windows onto the ocean, imagining Justin standing outside of my window, wanting to whisk me away. I love him. I can't deny it anymore, I love him.
But I'll never tell him. Nobody will ever know but me.
Everybody has their secrets.
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Justin
"You better keep her away from me or I'll beat her down and you know I will." I pause for a few moments and then continue, "I know I hurt you and I know that you're still hurting over what happened those last few days. I'm sorry, I truely am. If I could take it back, I would. But I had to get out of there, I would've died if I had stayed. I'm happy for you in that you're trying to move on. So let me give you this so you don't have to think about me anymore."
She stands on her tip toes, and lays the softest kiss on me that I think I've every felt. She lingers for a minute, and then sets back slowly on her heels, staring at me with those big brown eyes. Then without another word, she turns from me and starts walking down the beach, back to her new life and him. I reach my hand out, her name almost rolling off of my lips but they stop themselves when she turns and looks at me again. For a split second, I think that she's gonna run towards me, jump into my arms and tell me that she loves me. For a split second, I want to smile at the thought but she turns back around and continues her journey. I stand there, numb to everything and watch her walk out of my life for the second time. And for the second time, she shatters my heart and leaves me bloody and broken on the sand.
I could barely breathe as she became smaller and smaller in the distance. When she disappeared, a tear slipped down my cheek. Not because I feel like she's getting better, but because she's doing it for me. She's trying to make me feel better by trying to make me believe that she's moved on as well. I believe her when she said she's happy for me, but she's not happy, I can see it. I could see it in her tears when she was talking to me, I could see it in her walk when she walked away from me. I wanted to run to her so badly, just take her in my arms and kiss her and tell her how much I've missed her. But I couldn't, you want to know why? Kim, and I guess because of her punk ass boyfriend.
My thoughts return to Kim as I walk in the opposite direction of where she left me, kicking sand up into my shoes. Even though she pissed me off, she deserves all of me. It wouldn't be fair for me to string her along and only give her half of me. It's only been a few months though, if I just cut her loose, she wouldn't have had the chance to get to attached. I sigh loudly, she is attached. She's been on my dick since the first time we met, she's wanted me all along. Then there's Chris. Ashlynn deserves to try and move on to somebody else, who am I to deprive her of that? Even if it's not love with this guy, which I know it's not, she deserves the chance. That's why I didn't go after her this time, to give her the chance.
I find a hotel not far from the villa's and check into a room for the night. I fall out of my clothing and climb under the sheets, trying to push everything into the background. I try to force my eyes shut but they fly open, and I know that sleep won't come tonight. Not with all of this shit on my brain. One thing is certain though, I love her still. I tried to push it down because of Trace, and Kim but I can't do that anymore. I love Ashlynn, that'll never change. But, for sake of her and me, I have to force it to go away. I have to force myself to fall in love with Kim so it won't hurt so much when I think about another man on top of Ashlynn. Another man loving Ashlynn, kissing Ashlynn. I'll have to force myself to think about Kim when I'm at the office, in the shower, at the grocery store.
I can't tell anybody this, of course. Trace will flip out and start getting into my business again and make me feel bad. Kim will hate me and I can't have that on my conscience. I can't tell anybody, I'll just keep it all in; like I have all this time.
Everybody has their secrets.
