It’s been a week and a half since the whole… incident and I am proud to say that I have managed to avoid Justin the whole time. I think it’s come to the point that he’s trying to avoid me just about as much as I’m trying to avoid him.
I figure that the tour only goes on for another month and then I don’t ever have to see him again. It is very possible that I make it that long without having to talk to him. I’ve done it for a week and a half, what’s a couple more months? Easy as pie.
Although the tour has been extremely boring, I’ve come up with a few things to do to pass the time away. Mostly I play, I got a keyboard and all I do is sit in my dressing room and play. I’m sure that has something to do with the reason why I don’t really run into Justin that much, but I am coming up with some good songs.
My door opened and Justin walked in. I totally jinxed it. I hate that he comes in like he owns the place. He doesn’t even knock. I continued playing, ignoring him completely but he didn’t like that. Obviously he didn’t like that, he needs everyone to acknowledge his presence all the time. “They want us to work on a song.”
I continued playing, “Who is they?”
“Johnny.”
“That would be he, not they.”
Justin took a deep breath and sat down on the couch next to me, “Are you really going to correct my grammar right now?”
I took a deep breath, mimicking his, “Well if you say they it means more than one person and…”
“Alright, he.” Justin broke in, “Johnny wants us to work on a song. Us… you and I, is that the correct personal pronoun?”
I rolled my eyes, “Well I’m kind of busy so maybe some other time.”
He took another deep dramatic breath, “Look Gi, I don’t want to be here anymore more than you do.”
“Good, then leave.”
I looked over to see him rubbing his hands through his hair, “Your album is dropping in a few months and if we want a song on it we need to do it now.”
“Well we don’t want a song on it so we don’t need to worry about It.” it is not his album he does not need to act like he has any control over what I put on my album.
“Fuck Gianna, I’m trying to help you. People don’t know your music yet and having a song on it with me will get their attention. You want attention.”
What’s that supposed to mean? “And if I don’t have a song with you no one will buy it?”
“I didn’t say that,” he ran his hands through his hair again, “Gianna, all I’m saying is it will give you attention. We all know it’s going to be a crazy album but they don’t. The people out there don’t know you from shit and if we do a song together it will get their attention and then they can figure out what a crazy album it is on their own. What’s the point of having such a kick ass album like you do if no one knows about it?”
“Fine,” I said softly as I started to play again.
I could see him smile out of the corner of my eye; I think he even laughed a little. I don’t know why, but there’s a lot I don’t understand about that kid. He grabbed the guitar that magically appeared next to him. I guess he brought it in with him but I obviously didn’t see that.
He started playing and I swear there’s just something about us when we’re together that it’s like music just forms. It’s like we know what the other one is going to play next and we can write a song in seconds. The hard part about a song, for me at least, is the lyrics. It’s easier for him. Who am I kidding? Every part of music is easy for him.
Justin started humming and mumbling and I just kept playing. I’m more focused on listening to him then to write my own lyrics. He just becomes a different person, it’s like he has an out of body experience. I wish I could write music like he does.
I flipped through the pages of my notebook and found a song I wrote that would fit perfectly with the music. It’s hard for me to put two and two together. I can write lyrics but not with music and vice versa. I guess that’s just something I need to work on. Justin, on the other hand, can sit down with a guitar and write music and lyrics in a matter of seconds.
I don’t really want to sing it in front of him, since it’s obviously about him but it would fit perfectly so I need to just do it. “Wait, start over, I got it. Let me go first then join in.”
“You thought we'd be fine
All these days gone by
Now you’re asking me to listen
Well then tell me bout everything
No lies we're loosing time
Cause this is a battle
And it’s your final last call
It was a trial, you made a mistake, we know
But why aren’t you sorry, why aren’t you sorry, why?
This can be better, we used to be happy, try
You've got them on your side
And they wont change their minds
Now its over
And I'm feeling like we've missed out on everything
I just hope it’s worth the fight
Cause this is a battle
And it’s your final last call
It was a trial, you made a mistake, we know
But why aren’t you sorry, why aren’t you sorry, why?
Things could be better, we can be happy, try!”
I stopped singing but continued playing. Justin looked over at me but I turned my gaze away from him quickly because I don’t want him to see me ready to cry. It’s just so much easier to get my feelings out in a song than it is to actually talk about it.
“Cause this is a battle
And it’s your final last call....
It was a trial, you made a mistake, we know
But why aren’t you sorry, why aren’t you sorry, why?
This can be better, we can be happy, try!”
We both played for a few beats longer and then stopped at the same point. Justin took a deep breath and I wiped the tears that were starting to form in my eyes. There were a few seconds of awkward silence.
“I am sorry,” Justin answered softly.
I took a deep breath and stood up before I start having a panic attack. I go on stage in less than an hour; I don’t have time for this. “I’m done. I have to go to makeup.”
“Gianna,” he stood up to stop me but I kept walking.
“I need to go.”
I could hear him following behind me and then I noticed he wasn’t anymore. He turned into his dressing room as I made it to Stacy’s room.
“What’s wrong hunny?” she asked as I plopped down on the chair. I hate that she can always tell when something’s wrong.
“Nothing, please don’t ask me again, I need to focus on the show.”
She nodded her head and started on my hair, “Did you try those chicken wings? They’re to die for.”
I laughed and shook my head, “No, I didn’t eat yet.”
“I doubt there’s any left, but I’ll hurry up.”
“Thanks.”
She actually did hurry up. That very rarely happens, but I think she could tell I wasn’t really in the mood to chitchat. I grabbed some food on my way back to the room, planning on eating quickly so I have enough time for Enya. I’m running a little late since someone decided that he wanted to write a song with me an hour before I go on. Of course for me, things never go the way they’re planned.
“Here she is, Gianna, look who is here to see you.” I could hear one of Justin’s security guards. I don’t know which one. They’re all extremely huge and have really deep voices, it’s hard to tell who is who, and we all know how bad I am with names anyway.
Who could possibly be here to see me? We are in South Carolina; I do not know a single person in this state. “Oh, you’re beautiful, even more beautiful than you were on television. Just as beautiful as I remember.” It was a female voice… I know no one who lives here or even close to here that would know how beautiful I was to remember.
I looked up and my palms got sweaty, my legs shook, I stopped breathing and saw my mother. My mother that I haven’t seen ever in my whole life, except I would suspect the day I was pushed out of her. I don’t even know if I saw her then, for all I know she pushed me out and than ran away so I never even got a look at her. The only reason I know she’s my mother is because she looks just like she does in the one picture of her my father gave me when I was six.
“Are you ok?” I heard her ask and I shook my head.
“I can’t breathe,” I fanned myself and kept walking, I need to go on stage in a few minutes and this is not exactly helping the calming environment I’m supposed to be in right now with Enya.
“Gianna sweetie, were are you going?”
How does she have the right to talk to me like that? How does she have the right to show up here after not even writing to see that I was alive for the past twenty-five years? How the fuck did she get past security?
And why the fuck did she have to get past security today, out of all days, and now, out of all times? I need to go onstage and I just had a run in with Justin that I much rather would not have had and now I have to deal with all this AND go onstage in front of thousands in a matter of minutes.
I went into my dressing room and shut the door, locking it behind me and falling to the ground right in front of the door. It wasn’t even a second later that she started knocking, “Gianna, sweetie, I’m just here to talk.”
Stop calling me sweetie; I’m not your sweetie. Stop talking to me; stop showing up unannounced and stop pretending like you want to be part of my life.
“Is she ok?”
And stop pretending like you care if I’m ok or not. You never cared before, you never cared when I broke my leg or when Jason Sanders dropped a hammer on my head and I had a concussion.
“Go get Justin,” I could hear Rachael’s voice, “Someone go get Justin. You need to like… go away, she needs to be alone for a minute.”
I took deep breaths and tried to focus on something other than the fact that only a door separates me from the lady who gave birth to me. I don’t want to call her my mother; I refuse to call her my mother. Mother’s don’t leave their children as soon as they’re born. She didn’t even get to meet me; she didn’t even have a chance to figure out if she didn’t like me. She didn’t even give me a chance.
The door opened and closed quickly, with Justin sneaking in. He sat down next to me and handed me a bottle of water, “Are you alright?”
“I don’t want her here”
“I know. We’re taking care of it Pooky”
“I don’t want you here either.”
“Well I’m staying, so you need to get over that,” he put his arm around me and pulled me so I was on his lap, “It’s ok, breath baby.”
I really hate that he’s the only one that can calm me down. I hate that all he has to do is put his arm around me and I feel like everything will be ok. I’ve never felt like that before. There’s never been anyone that can just hold me and I feel safe. I feel like it’s actually going to work out when he’s there. That’s makes it really hard for me to hate him.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry it's taken awhile... Please let me know what you think. The song in here is Battle by Colbie Caillat :) I hope you like it!
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