“How are you doing?” I heard Justin’s voice and woke up from my episode. I forgot where I was and what was going on for a second. Then I quickly remembered.
“Horrible.”
Justin laughed and ran his hand through my hair, “You’re breathing, that’s a plus.”
“I don’t get how she can just show up and think that I’m going to be happy to see her. I mean I’ve never even met her. She’s never called or sent me a birthday card. And now she just shows up?”
“I know Pooky, it sucks.”
I know he’s trying to be nice and understanding but he doesn’t know. He doesn’t get it because he has a mother that’s amazing. “You don’t know how much it sucks Justin.”
“I don’t know? Are you serious? When you make it everyone comes out of the woodwork. You have all these cousins you never knew and all these old friends that never existed. That’s when you know you made it.”
“Yeah but your mother? I understand cousins or something but my mother? I didn’t think she was that shady. I thought she just was scared and ran away because she couldn’t take care of me. I thought she was a good person but now I know she is shady. I should have known that from the beginning.”
“You don’t know that. Maybe she’s been trying to get in touch with you and couldn’t. Maybe this is the only way she knows how.”
“Maybe not. I’m not falling for that. We’ve lived in the same house since I was born, she knew where to find me if she wanted to. It’s different, you don’t get it. You’re mother is amazing, you don’t have this issue.”
“Yeah, my mother is amazing, I’m lucky. But my father is more like your mother.”
“Your father?” Now that I think about it I haven’t heard much about Justin’s father.
“Yeah. He was around until I was two then disappeared until I got signed. He didn’t call or send me birthday cards either. He wanted nothing to do with me until I could do something for him.”
I don’t know how to react to that. I just always assumed his life was perfect. “What did you do?”
“I have step brothers so if I want to see them I have to see him.”
“Do you think I have step brothers?”
He shrugged, “There was a kid with her.”
“There was?” I did not even notice a kid. Granted, I did see her and pretty much run away. “So you think I should talk to her?”
“It’s up to you baby, it’s a decision you need to make. No one would look at you badly if you didn’t want to. It makes complete sense, I don’t know if she deserves you even recognizing her. But it might help to talk to her.”
I nodded my head, I’m sure it would help a little to talk to her. I mean, my whole life I wished I could meet her. But now that I have the opportunity I’m not so sure I want to. “I don’t think I can though. I can’t even look at her without having a panic attack.”
“I’ll go with you if you want. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, it might be good just to listen.”
I know he’s right and I can’t just make her leave. I’d feel bad about it forever and always wonder what would have happened if I did talk to her. Maybe Justin is right. Maybe she’s been trying to talk to me for my whole life but couldn’t and now she finally found a way. I don’t think that’s the case but what if it is?
“Either way, you go on in ten minutes. Tell me what you want to do and I’ll go tell them. If you want me to get rid of her I’ll get rid of her.”
“I can’t go on with her here.”
He nodded his head, “What if I get rid of her and then she can meet us for dinner after? If you change your mind we won’t go.”
“OK,” that sounds like the best option.
“Great, I’ll go take care of it and come back when it’s all set,” he kissed my forehead before standing up, “Do some yoga will you?”
I should do some yoga to calm down. But instead, I pushed my ear to the door so I could hear what Justin was saying to the lady that calls herself my mother.
“Hey, I’m Justin.”
“Of course you are,” I could hear her.
“Yeah, of course. Well listen, you should leave. Gianna wants to meet up for dinner after the show.”
“Oh, well that’d be great. We really were looking forward to seeing her on stage though.”
“Right. Well it’s not going to happen. So, do you guys want to show her out and Rachael can you set up dinner? Thanks, nice meeting you.”
I kind of love him. The door opened and I almost fell out, “Eavesdropping?” he asked with a smile.
“Thank you,” I fell into his arms, “You saved me.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“You were kind of an asshole.”
“I was,” he agreed with a smile holding me tightly, “I was good right? Real believable.”
“Yeah, thanks Snuckums.”
Rachael knocked on the door a few minutes later telling me that the lady who calls herself my mother was gone. Then she told me that I had to get to stage like ten minutes ago. As soon as we opened the door she handed us each a shot. She’s so good. “You’re amazing Rachael.”
She smiled but I don’t think she realizes how much I love her, “She is amazing,” Justin agreed with a smile. Now Rachael rolled her eyes.
I walked to the stage and took a few deep breaths. It’s pretty obvious that I’m nervous before I go on every night, but now I’m freaking out like it’s my first show. And I even know that the lady who calls herself my mother is gone. Imagine how I would feel if she was here. Probably like I was passed out on the ground because I’m pretty sure that’s where I’d be.
The show was over too fast, and then Justin’s show was over way too fast. I swear it was the quickest show ever. I kept running through it in my head wondering what songs he must have skipped. I couldn’t find any though. Maybe he just shortened them. I don’t know what he did but he had to do something.
I waited for Justin right under the stage and walked out with him. He put his sweaty arm around me and we went straight to his bus, “Are you ready for this Pooky?”
“No.”
He laughed, “We can handle it. I’ll be the asshole for you, I don’t mind.”
“Good,” I smiled as we made it into his hotel room. I did my hair and tried to get ready while Justin was in the shower.
“Are you ready?” he asked me as I finished up my hair. I am ready physically but I’m not ready mentally. I would say we could wait for me to be ready mentally but that may never happen.
“I think we should make her wait a little,” I said as I sat at the foot of his bed.
Justin laughed and sat down next to me, “Then let’s make her wait. You don’t want to wait too long though.”
“Why not? She made me wait twenty five years she can wait twenty five minutes for me.” So what if I’m bitter. I really think I have every right to be.
“You want to get it over with though. You’re thinking about it too much and working it up to be more than it is,” his hand rested on my leg and as corny as it sounds, feeling him by me made me feel like I can deal with it.
Justin stood up and reached his hand down to me. I took his hand and did not let go until we got to the restaurant. Even then I just let go for a second and felt like I was going to pass out again when I saw her, and he grabbed onto my hand again. “Let’s sit Gi.”
I nodded my head and sat down, taking a sip of water right away. I took a few deep breaths but Justin held onto my hand the whole time. We all sat in silence for what seemed like years. “So…” Justin began.
“So,” the lady who calls herself my mother responded… very original. I’ve decided I don’t like her, not even a little bit. This was a bad idea to come.
“So,” now it’s my turn to talk, “why after twenty five years did you finally decide you wanted to meet me and then have nothing to say?”
That must have caught her by surprise because the look on her face was complete shock, she didn’t know what to say. I don’t care if I’m being a bitch, I would like to know.
“What do you want? Money? Tickets? What?”
“Gianna I don’t want anything from you. There has not been one day that has gone by since you were born that I didn’t think about you.”
“Well there have been plenty of days that have gone by before you did something about it. Why now?”
“I don’t have an answer to that sweetie. I’ve wanted to contact you for a long time.”
“Right,” I know I rolled my eyes but it was more of a chain reaction. I don’t want to be here, “I’m not hungry, I’m ready to go.”
I wanted to get up but I couldn’t physically do it. Justin squeezed my hand to tell me everything would be ok. I took a few deep breaths and decided to let her talk.
“Your father didn’t think…” I don’t know if she finished or not but I sure has hell didn’t hear anything.
“Don’t you dare blame anything on my father. My father is a damn good man and he raised me on his own without a clue what he was doing.”
“I’m not blaming anything on your father. I know he’s a great man,” then what the fuck is her problem? I really don’t like her. “I regret what I did Gianna, I regret it every day. I was young and I was scared.”
“And he wasn’t? When you’re scared you just run away from things? Especially a baby. I mean I know I was a mistake but how do you just leave a baby?” Now I’m crying. This is wonderful.
“I couldn’t have taken care of you, I couldn’t have given you the life that you deserved.”
“And my father could do it all by himself? Without any help from anyone?”
“I was young,” she repeated for the twentieth time. I get it.
“Well if you’re too young to deal with the consequences than you probably shouldn’t be having sex should you?”
The lady who calls herself my mother took a deep breath. I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought I’d just jump into her arms after all this shit. I’m not going to just forget about everything, I can’t.
I’m starting to shake now, and I’m already sweating. I can’t tell if I’m crying or not, I just really want to go back to the hotel. Justin rubbed my leg under the table and I looked up at him. He gave me a concerned look and tried to assure me without words that it would be ok.
I want to leave.
“You didn’t even know me,” I said softly, “You didn’t even get a chance to hate me. Did you even look at me? When I was born did you even hold me? I’m your child. Aren’t you supposed to have some sort of a mother child connection after giving birth? Are you like missing that fucking gene?”
“Gianna I am so sorry.”
“Well that’s great. But sorry does not change anything. Sorry does not go back in time and answer all my questions. Sorry doesn’t take the only girl in Brownies without a mother to the mother daughter camping trips. Sorry does not help a young girl figure out how everyone else can find love except her and how she’ll ever find love when even her own fucking mother doesn’t love her. I’m glad you’re sorry. I hope telling me you’re sorry clears your conscience. But to me, you’re still shit.” I managed to stand up this time, “I have to go.”
As I walked out of the room I felt Justin grab onto my hand. It’s a real possibility that I’m going to fall over. I took deep breaths and tried my hardest to stop crying so I could at least see where I was walking. My eyes were all foggy from all the tears that it was really hard for me to even walk.
When we got outside there was obviously no car anywhere since we weren’t supposed to be out so early. I cannot stand here waiting, but it’s pouring. Of course it’s raining, that’s just my life. I kept walking out in the rain and Justin followed me, “Pooky, come on.”
“I can’t just wait, I can’t.”
He didn’t say anything but walked with me back to the hotel. It was a long walk but it was actually what I needed. The cold rain calmed me down a little and I could cry all I want and no one knew it wasn’t just the rain.
By the time we got to the hotel we were both dripping wet. We got on the elevator and Justin rubbed the back of my neck before kissing my forehead. He wiped under my eyes, “It’s ok.”
The elevator door opened and he lead me out. I walked to my room and pulled my wet clothes off quickly. I was walking around in my bra and panties trying to find something to change into for a few minutes before I realized that Justin was in my room too. I don’t know where my clothes are; I don’t even know what I’m looking for.
Justin came over to me and hugged me tightly. He didn’t say anything and I didn’t need him to. He just held onto me and let me cry in his arms. I’ve never been able to cry in someone’s arms before. Maybe it is possible for me to find love… even if my own mother doesn’t love me.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry it's been so long. I've been crazy busy. Thanks for all the reviews! Let me know what you think! :)
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Lily is the author of 9 other stories.
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