A Hollywood Divorce
7: That Funny Divorced Feeling
We didn't get back together. I told him that I couldn't just jump back in his arms after everything that went down. He was upset but he promised one way or another he would make it back in my good graces and back into my heart. As soon as we got home, he kicked Mr. Diaz to the curb. How did I find out? She drove by Tobey and I's house and threw a brick through my car window with a note attactched to it. The dumb bitch signed her name at the end of the note. Now, she owes me five grand and has a restraining order pressed against her.
Tobey and I broke up too. I told what had happened between Justin and I while we were in Salt Lake. To my suprise, he wasn't really that upset. He was hurt but not angry like I had expected. We talked for a really long time that night and decided that it was best if we just called it quits. I was far too fucked up to be in a relationship and he was having problems with Ruby's mother as well. He's a good guy. Laila James and Ruby still play on occasion.
The divorce was final on November 19, 2009, just like I said earlier. It was kind of weird though. I just got a packet of papers in the mail that day saying that after twelve pm that evening, I would no longer be Mrs. Justin Timberlake. That day happened to be a Friday and just as scheduled, Justin came and picked up the kids. He made a couple nasty jokes about having sex one last time as husband and wife but I recinded his offer and just went home.
But, you are going to be mad at me. I don't just only see Justin when he comes to pick up the kids. We... I...damn. Please, don't give me that look, I can't help it. I'm a single woman who deals with two kids all day. I don't have an outlet. Justin.... well, he is now my outlet. What does that mean? Justin and I are still having sex. Our sex life now is better than what it was when we were married. How fucked up is that?
I know that we shouldn't be doing this and I know that I'm leading him on because I'm giving him false hope that we'll get back together. But god, he feels so goos inside of me. It's just, you know, whenever I have a hard day or one of the kids is driving me crazy, he understands. He comforts me. He takes off my clothes. The kids have no idea of course. My sister has recently moved into to town and watches them for me when I decided to "go the store" for the evening. Yeah, she's pissed at me too.
Justin has started working on a new album and wanted to take the kids with him to New York with him for a week or so, so I am currently sitting in the bathroom with my panties around my ankles. I've had some... well... feelings for a couple months now and I just want to make sure. I glance at the clock as my stomach drops even further to the floor.
"Fuck, just do it." I say.
I stick the pregnancy stick underneath my vagina and squeeze my eyes shut when I start to pee. I know I didn't have to be that graphic, but this is real life here people. I pee on the stick and then set it on the counter and flush behind me. I take a seat on the edge of the tub and my foot involuntarily begins to shake as I stare at the clock. Thirty more seconds.
I shut my eyes again and pray softly to the heavens above. Please God, I can't handle another baby right now. Especially another one of Justin's babies. That would complicate our fucked up relationship more than it needs to be right now. Please God, if you don't hate me, please do let me be pregnant. Please.
I glance at the clock again, it's been a minute. I put in another quick prayer and then stand up and wipe my hands nervously on my dress. I walk slowly to the counter where I laid the stick and tower over it. I reach out my hand, pick it up and flip it over.
Blue.
I gasp and continue to stare at the little piece of plastic, hoping that I was mistaken and that I would change color again. But nothing happens. It stays blue. My stomach drops to the floor as the realization washes over me. I'm going to be having a baby to my ex-husband.
I drop the stick and walk into the bedroom, numb of everything around me. I look at the clock again for what seems like the millionth time today. It's 9:23pm here in Los Angeles so its.... 12:23am in New York. Justin should still be awake, I really need him to be awake right now. I grab up the phone and dial his cell phone.
It rings, but there's no answer. Fuck. I throw the phone on the bed and change into my night clothes quickly before trying his phone again. Again, no answer. My fingers are shaking by time I hit the redial button for the third time. Answer the goddamn phone Justin.
"What?!" His annoyed voice invades my ears harshly.
"Justin?"
"Luci? Is that you baby?"
"Yeah it's me. Why did it take you so long to answer the damn phone?!" I ask, cleary irritated.
"Sorry baby, the kids had me on the move all damn day. I'm exhausted. What up?"
I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. My eyes start to well and I can't hold it in any longer. Fuck, I hate how I get so emotional when I'm pregnant.
"Luci baby? What's wrong baby? Tell me what's wrong." Justin says.
"I- I can't. Not over the phone. Not like this." I whail, falling back on the bed and crawling into a fetal position.
"What's wrong Luc-"
"Just come home Justin. Please? I need you."
He's quiet for a minute, "I can't just leave babe. I've gotta be in the studio tomorrow."
"Justin! I need you, I need to talk to you. You were gone half of our marriage, please don't desert me now."
"Okay, okay. I'll um, I'll be home tomorrow okay? Okay baby?"
"Okay, thank you Justin. Thank you."
"I'll do anything for you Lucianna."
"How- how are the kids?" I spit out through my tears.
"They're good, they're enjoying themselves. Baby, just get some sleep okay? I'll see you tomorrow, I promise."
"Okay, bye."
"Goodnight honey."
I hang up the phone but I don't feel any better. In fact, I feel worse. Now, I'm going to have to face Justin tomorrow and tell him that I'm pregnant. And even worse than that, I'm going to have to tell him that I'm not having this baby.
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Justin gets home the next day at eight in the evening. He's just tucked the kids into bed and is jogging back down the stairs at this very moment. I close my eyes and feel the couch shift under his weight. He places his large hand over mine, causing me to open my eyes again so that I'm staring into his blue ones.
"What wrong Luci? I'm really freaked out right now." He says.
"Jay, I'm... I'm.... We..."
"You're what babe? Are you seeing someone else?"
"No," I say quickly. He relaxes a little and continues searching my eyes, "I'm... I'm pregnant."
I don't know what the fuck I expected to happen just at this moment, but nothing does. He just looks at me like I've just told him that his dinner was ready. I have to admit, I expected a little more. His next question though, infuriates me. Which turns out to be the one good thing he's still good at.
"It's mine?"
"Excuse me?" I say, ripping my hand from under his and standing up to pace my living room floor.
"Sorry, that was stupid." He says, putting his head in his hand.
"Yeah, it was! Do you think I'm some kind of slut or something? Jesus!"
"No, I'm sorry okay? Just chill okay? Listen, this is... this is good, right? This will give us a chance to work things out."
"No." I say softly.
"What do you mean no? What do you mean Luci?"
"I-," I begin, this is going to break his heart, "I'm not having this baby Justin. I can't, not now."
He's silent for a long time. When he finally looks up at me again, his eyes are dark, "You're getting an abortion."
"What do you expect me to do, we're divorced!"
"But we've been together! We've made love hundreds of time since then, I thought we were going to work this out-"
"God I knew this wasn't a good idea." I say more to myself than to him.
"Luci, you can't kill our baby."
"You just don't get it. I've said this to you millions of times! You cheated on me, left me and then moved the bitch into our home. And you just think that you can waltz into my hotel room, have sex with me and think that I'll just jump back into your arms and be your wife again?! I can't do that, I've tried and I can't." I scream.
"So then, what in the fuck have we been doing since November then? It's been six fucking months Lucianna! You've been fucking me for six goddamn months making me think-"
"I haven't been making you think anything! I never said that we were going to get back together, you assumed that shit all on your own."
"So I've just been some toy for you? Is that it Lucianna? You couldn't get any anywhere else so you turn to the one person who still loves you?"
"Don't you dare!" I say lowly, walking over to him, "This is all because of you Justin. If could have kept it in your fucking pants-"
"You know what? I don't want to hear it!" He shouts, standing up and grabbing his keys from the coffee table, "Do whatever the fuck you want. You don't have to worry about me assuming things anymore either. I'll be by to get my kids on Friday."
He storms out of the house and I'm left all alone. I try and call him a couple hours later but he doesn't answer. I try and talk to him a few days later when he comes to pick up the kids but he ignores me.
So this is what it feels like to be divorced.
