Prelude

My eyes were staring intently at the monitor, watching the green lines of her heart monitor pace along normally. The steady beep has become a familiar noise and the deafening silences have become something I've become used to. It still surprises me that just a year ago, she was fine. Healthy. Happy. Cancer free. But things have changed so drastically. So quickly. It caught me completely off guard. It caught us off guard.

This just doesn't happen to our family. You see it elsewhere, but you never imagine in a million years that you'd be dealing with the same shit.

"Justin. . ." My eyes quickly divert their attention to her as I hear her breathe my name. I smile and she returns the gesture weakly as she squeezes my hand. I looked down momentarily at our intertwined fingers and my attention falls onto the silver wedding band on her tiny finger.

"How ya feeling, babe?" I ask softly as my eyes look back up into her green ones. She sighs and turns tiredly on her side, causing the hospital bed to tremble lightly.

"Tired." She was always tired. Her body was getting weaker everyday. It was trying to fight off the cancerous cells and it killed me to know it was just a losing battle.

"You just need some more rest." I say as my hand lovingly caresses her cheek. She tries to nuzzle her face into my hand, a cute habit she has when she wants me closer. I move in and try the best I can to press her against my chest in a comforting manner. My eyes involuntarily fill up with tears as I savor this moment, knowing it could be our last together.

She was dying.

I knew she was. The doctors knew she was. She knew she was. It was an overwhelming feeling of helplessness to know that with every passing day, she was slowly slipping through my fingers like grains of sand.

We tried everything. Pills. Diet and exercise. Radiation therapy, which caused her hair loss. But nothing worked. The cancer would leave and come right back. She finally gave up, frustrated with and tired of treatment after treatment. At first, I was completely pissed when she told me she wanted to stop fighting this. When she told me she wanted to spend the time had left with her family and friends, not in a treatment center, I couldn't get my head around it. I couldn't understand why she just wanted to die and leave me. Leave our daughter. Leave our friends and family. But that was only because I didn't want to have to live without her. I needed her. I still do and I always will.

"It won't be so bad," she told me, "I'll still be here. In your heart." I didn't want her to just be in my heart. I wanted her to be in my life.

But I don't say that anymore. I've somewhat accepted this. . .pain. I'm in a state of numbness where I just take what I have with her and burn it inside of my memory so that I never forget. I act tough and smile for the cameras. I tell my daughter that mommy's only going to heaven and will always watch over her. I pretend that everything's going to be okay. But secretly, I'm mush. I'm falling apart. My world is slowly dissipating into oblivion and I don't think I'll be able to breathe without my wife by my side.

I love her with my whole being. We've been together now for almost 10 years. She's my heart. She's my muse. And I know that our love is eternal.

But it's far from perfect. Believe me, we've definitely had our ups and downs. Stuff that my mom doesn't even know about. Things we have with each other and nobody else.

But I want to share it with you. I want to show you the other side of things. What really happened in our so-called "perfect" marriage.


Come on and go with me
There's something new for you to see


I want you to see a side of me that you never knew existed. I want you to see things from my point of view and live my life vicariously through my story.


Come on and go with me
There's something new for you to see


Don't worry, there's nothing too bad. Just a lot of things I'm not so proud of.


Just relax
Just relax